Week 14: All You Mark Ass Bitches.....
To make it up I'll squeeze out a midseason recap in honor of the All Star Game instead of going back and recapping every game.
Let's just pick things up and start on with the show, shall we? It's a good one.
FOR DAN AND ANY OF THE MEMBERS OF YOUR WEAK ASS REBEL ALLIANCE.
Well, that's right bitch, take it all. Straight SWEEP CITY on offense and a split in the pitching gives me a raging clue after our week 3 tangle during which you straight SNAGGED a win from me on a stat correction. This would have been a big win for you to climb a game over .500 and into the the top position amongst the standings vipers.
Alas, bitch you got beat bitch.
Making my Yoenis drip with cloo-goo was Josh Reddick (6/1/7/.278/1000) while Alex Gordon seems to have taken the starting left-field spot on my roster with his 3/2/5/.600/1966 line. Also, some dude named Yasiel is in on my roster and he had his worst week in the bigs, launching a 4/1/2/1/.500/1378 stat line. Surely enough to vanquish Ged's offensively spartan PteroPtween's. They got a sweet week.....nobody. David Wright DID have 5/1/2/.323/916, though.
Ged has thrusted all his tiny energies in the vast abyss that is pitching stats. It's such a poker game. Mike has EIGHT starting pitchers on his roster. That's a lot. Because of this he easily vanquished me in strikeouts but still lost in wins! And, when you have that many pitchers you're clearly going to lose the losses category. Wade Miley went nutso though with 1w/12k/.66era/1.17whip. Also, Bronson was pretty cute 1/1/9k/3Era/.75whip.
Meanwhile, deep inside Karma, Pauly D didn't give a shit. He got wins from every starter except the two he forgot to start (oops), suffered one loss on a blown save, and somehow squeaked out more saves from one closer than Ged did with...three?
Capers BEECHHHHHHH. You gotta come onehunnitwidit if you gonna step to this SON.
Again, Ben lost all categories on offense and came up just short in pitching. How many fucking times have we said that and yet still Ben has not traded for any hitting help. Tsk tsk.
Austin's Cobras were not tamed by the scorching Anaheim sun, as both Trouty and Hambone had good weeks (3/2/5/.318/1082 for Trout) (3/2/5/1/.318/1036 for Mr Dickface who made a SWEET error again last week). Austin did have some nice depth as five players hit 2 homers for the guy. Ben had a cute week as well on offense but he still clings to Rickie Weeks who I am pretty sure is playing 3-5 days a week now as well as Andre Ethier who despite the $64 million left on his contract is now a 3rd or 4th outfielder.
Despite Ben's excellent K's and remarkably few losses, neither of these pitching staffs was particularly great. Your era's and Whip's are turdsssssss. Jose Fernandez was an excellent pickup for Bennycakes, he struggled a few times, got DFA'd by Munzyball and then threw 10k's in 8 scoreless for Los Chupas De Miami. And Lance Lynn tossed 15 k's but also had some pretty unfortunate percentage numbers (4.85 era/1.38 whip).
Austin's minimalist pitching staff (dude you really carry two catchers???) put up some very pedestrian numbers while Medlen and Leake got ripped. But your clear superiority on offense was enough to carry you to victory.
This was another important victory for my slant-eyed, oft slurring Dragon friend. He now sits in fourth place and a half-game above the rest of the vipers. Benny boy you were so close a few weeks ago but you keep tumbling downward towards Mr Spits When He Speaks in the basement. I'd make some moves...like paying me.
Charlie did it again, and I hope it annoyed as many of you as it did me that it seemed like all of Charzy's players are in the damn game. Fucking sleeper hunter came up turds last year except Trout this year he's all up inside Machado, Segura, Cole, Cingrani, et al.
A surprisingly weak showing for Charlie's offense but he still managed to sweep that shit and even got seven steals for his effort. The Fightin' Beanes were led by Joey Bats 7/1/3/.391/1.169 and Freddy "nice trade, Dan" Freeman (6/0/3/.292/732). Like I said, fairly atypical for CharCzar.
Brian's week was even shittier but he was led by Munzy castoff Domonic Brown who's coming on strong after a brief slump (6/2/5/.375/1135). And that's really it. Terrible week on offense for Brian. Brian is really struggling in his outfield positions. He's flipping bitches like crazy swapping Schierholtz and Joyce for Rasmus and Brown just this week.
His pitching is still legit though, even though he absorbed a "stinker" from Matt Harvey during which he still struck out 9. Chris Sale did the exact thing but had a much lower ERA. Nick Tepesch did the SAME thing with 9 k's, a loss, and an ERA above 7. Bad luck, old sport. Nice saves from Handjob Nathan and Papsmirelbon, though.
On his side of things Charlie got plenty of wins from the real Pterodactly Jered Weaver and 11 k's/.66era/.95Whip. Too bad for him the Angels fucking suuuuuuuck and I couldn't love it more. Fuck you Art Moreno! Eat a donkey dick, sir. Charlie's sniper closer pickup of Uehara paid dividends of 1w/1s/0era/.9whip and Verlander and Liriano had nice starts. Some were starting to worry about Verlander... Nah, he's still pretty good. I wonder about Gerrit Cole though. He throws smoke but can he pitch? eeeeeeek, I dunno. Fucking Pirates are tits though right now.
It comes as NO SURPRISE that Dan's victory came during a week in which Pat took an absolute shit in a bag and wore it as a stupid ass hat. It's a really good thing your roster can steal 12 bags in a week because they can't hit for fucking shit right now.
Let's just get this out of the way, Caros Gomez had 4 steals, Ellsbury had 4 (and hit .360), and both Ian Desmond and Pedo both had two stolen bags and hit over .300. The rest of your roster was just dogshit on offense. Really missing Ryan Braun right now. And who knows how he's going to play coming back from a thumb injury. You might needamakesome DEALLLZLZZ.
Desmond Jennings had a really great week for the cruel, lifeless dripping sack of shower bubbling excrement who parades around San Francisco popping quizzes on the street as if he wasn't wearing garters underneath, kicking homeless people, and harassing his friends for not acquiescing to all his stupid fucking demands, who we call Dr Eats A Penis Without Hands McMenaUGHHHHHHHH. (8/1/5/4/.478/1234) also playing above par were Seager (6/2/5/579/1625) and big smoothie Victor Martinez (5/1/4/360/967). Otherwise, it was a pretty for-par offensive week for a winning team 30/10/30 in the counting stats and an above the mark in percentages. Here's a prediction: it doesn't matter if it lasts, you're irrelevant! HAHAHA nice draft cockboi.
Dan had a no hitter by Homer Bailey, with 9 k's. No extra points. Moving on, Samardzjia had a sweet outing with a 7.5 ERA and 3k's! Nice draft pick, dude! In other news, some how Matt Moore threw for a win and 9k's and Rodney didn't blow the save so, suddenly Dan won four pitching categories. ooooook.
HOW THE FUCK is John Lackey good again? He's old, fat, sloppy, and he really does just LOOK stupid. You know, like Saksen does. Unlike Saksen's limp wristed, partial-skipping throwing technique, Lackey dealt some shit tossing 15k's with a 1.8ERA and a .87whip somehow going 1w/1L. Pat why the fuck do you have Roy Oswalt? Seriously? Unfortunately, Big Game James took a Big Game Loss for the streaking Royals, posting 3k's/8.44ERA/2whip.
And still we wait for Chris Perez to get arrested for being a fucking MORON and having a package of weed sent to his house while he was on the DL. And so now, we wait!
Anyways, enjoy your victory Mr. Wears Rainbow Panties. It may only happen once or twice more this year.
Either way, Miguels Scotch Club easily vanquished bode's two-man army of Hanley (8/1/2/.480/1399) and Matt Carpenter (6/1/5/.250/838) with a standard 30/10/30/300/800 week.
Three words: Torii Motherfuckin Hunter. His son may not really appreciate women and he might be homophobic but he can still fucking swing that stick 5/2/11/1/.444/1248. Backing him up was his three-spot support dropping 3/3/8/292/1080. That was actually all he would need to beat poor Bodow this week. But he got some extra help his infielders who are super cute and cuddly.
Josh also dominated the pitching categories. David Price acted like he was fucking David Price for once, 2w/15k/.56 era/.69 whip. Meanwhile Another Tiger (you have FIVE tigers on your roster? well, six if you include the recently booted Omar Infante), Doug Fister got fistpigged for an ERA of 9. Jarrod Parker has looked pretty shaky this season, and his hammy might be even on less firm ground. Let's hope he's able to take it easy for the Amazin' A's during the all star break.
Steve Cishek, yes, that dude who looks like a geek from the 9th grade on the Marlins, had 3 saves this week. But that's all bodow had going for him. Also, Strasburg....eeeeeeeeek?
I reallllllllly like what Saksen did here. It's poetic justice that Soriano had 3 saves this week, eeking out the victory in saves. Although, to be fair let's talk about Goldschmidt, we could make a very strong case for first-half NL MVP there.
But, as it is Saksen slapped a sweep out of Matt's suddenly SUPER vulnerable pitching staff and was happy enough to have a split on offense when Matt clearly out did him in power, tripling Saksen's homerun total.
For the Banos Perros, Zimmerman had a sexy week (5/1/8/2/346/862), Nelson Cruz re-emerged from his steroid hangover (5/2/6/320/946), Aaron Hill returned from the DL to post 6/0/5/1/385/987).
But, like a game of strikers in which both of these buffoons end up taking shots, Matt said whatever you can do I can one-quarter of that extremely well, and still get slapped in the face. So, Matt triple Mike in his power numbers and posted 30% more RBI's, and an OPS plus 100 over Mikes.
Leading that charge was Matt's first round pick Robinson Cano (6/3/10/375/1317), and Mikes eighth round pick (?) Paul Goldscmidt (3/2/7/333/1086), and Adrian "they call me motherfucker jones" Beltre (4/4/5/478/1607). That's all very very sexy stuff right there.
Peace, Brandon Crawford. I'm sure you're totally as good as Ben Zobrist. Whatever, Baghdad Brown.
In another piece of pure karma, almost all of Matt's pitchers took a loss this week. Hooray! Even two of Matt's streamers couldn't help his sorry ass beat the Toilet Dogs. I fucking love that he got an era of 27 from Cashner. Man, those Padres are plummeting down back below the Giants level. Kevin Gregg did something sweet, getting two saves for little downtrodden Brown. He said "hey little guy, what happened? Your asshole fall out? I hate it when my asshole falls out. Here, have two saves. K, on your way you go, little street creature."
MAKE WAY FOR THE BIG BOIZ, Patrick Corbin (1/1/14/3.86/.79) and Clayton Kershaw (2/11/.53/.47). BLAP! BLAP! BLAP! Mariano Rivera and Raphael Soriano 3 saves! BLAP! BLAP! BLAP! Whats that sound?
First Off: If you haven't seen this video you're really missing out
THIS WEEK IN MATCH DOT BEEZY
My detractors (see: my friends in Davis) claim that my story is bullshit and that I am simply hyperbolizing some simple interaction that is at most perfunctory. To them I say "You are all some hater ass bitches, I do not give a fuck what you think or say and you can close this window now because your hater-ass opinions mean less to me than your word that you'll 'totally pay me back'".
I'll tell the story here before they try to defame me and my drunken hyperbolization as something less-than-truthful.
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Still with me? Okay. Well, let's get down to it then in a quick and dirty fashion.
Ever heard of Lucy Hale? Me neither.
Then she showed up at the bar on Maui, Mulligans, and she was really nondescript except for that her boyfriend (see: below) got kicked out for trying to talk to Steven Tyler.
As soon as her boyfriend got kicked out, she started hollering across the bar. I didn't know who she was and I didn't really care. The whole reason I go to Mulligans is to drink irish beers and Corona Lights and to mind my own business when I am not hanging out with my friends.
The first night, she flirted with me and asked what was up. I ignored her and kind of rebuffed her. I didn't know and didn't care.
The second night, I smoked a cigarette with her boyfriend Graham, who is a turd. Then I met her friend Drew Osborne, who I was 100% sure was totally gay, and this other chick whose name escapes me but is a writer for NPR and Lucy's roommate. The best part was that Lucy had kept making eyes with me across the bar all night and was clearly trying to start a conversation. The worst part was that somewhere along the way Lucy met Lisa, a chick I've banged several times, and they started drinking and smoking together. At some point Lucy turned to Lisa and said "who is the cute one in the middle?" referencing me in between two of my friends. Lisa, who I had stopped seeing about two weeks previous and is totally one for drama, gladly introduced us. I was a dick and said "great to meet to you, thanks for the introduction, Lisa." A half hour later she came over and sat in my lap and said, "I'm trying to make my boyfriend jealous, just enjoy it." what the fuck. At this point, Mr. Can I Get a Hot Tub actually did come over from the other side of the bar and asked her what was up. They went outside and she came back in and sat down next to me while he went across the bar and sat down next to three other guys. She started quizzing me about myself but she was soooo drunk she was slurring all her words and whatever I said didn't matter so I didn't really answer her questions. Her boyfriend, Graham, who by the way had given me a fake name of "Pete" once and kept responding to our repeated interjections of, "Hey, Graham!", mentioned once to me that he was leaving the next morning because of "a job in LA." Lucy also told me, "I can't wait to break up with him as soon as I get back to LA." So, I knew something was brewing
The next night was the Fourth of July.
Lucy arrived wearing a stars and stripes bandana, looking pretty hot but still young and stupid. Nothing really worthwhile occurred except for that the third night in a row she kept making eyes at me. I noticed it but I was also vigilant.
See, the night before she had been semi-accosted by a very very drunk Australian who was constantly hitting on her and her friend (with no idea of who they were) for a threesome. I don't blame him but, being protective of the bar, I kept an eye on him for quite some while. Eventually, she noticed I was looking her direction (directly to my right about 15 feet) and stepped to me. "Hey, you've been looking over here the past twenty minutes? what's your problem?" "I'm looking at him." "WHO?" Him! (pointing to the Australian dude)." "WHO?" HIM!! (pointing again at the dude) "Oh, he's my friend!" This was before all the incidents mentioned above. Knowing Dan, it helps to provide context.
So, she kept making eyes at me in a pretty empty bar. There were her and her three friends, the three bartenders, and me and my three friends.
She and her friends were pretty heavy drinkers. They showed up wasted and they ordered shot after shot of Jameson. Eventually, after making enough eyes at me, she sent me over a shot of Jameson. "From Lucy, dude!" Chris said.
About ten minutes later I heard, "HEY, DUDE." And I looked up and saw Chris pointing me to Lucy. Lucy was sitting there and she pointed her left index finger at me, curled it back, and mouthed, "come here....come here now!" I was hesitant at first but then Chris and Kieran yelled "DUDE GET THE FUCK OVER THERE!!" and started slamming on the bar. Fine, I took my Corona Light and my shot of Hornitos over her way.
So, I got to her side of the bar and she was wasted and wearing a pair of really revealing Daisy Dukes. She was sitting on the bar as a result of a brief but aborted attempt to get her to dance on the bar. She motioned her legs and hips towards me in a revealing and seductive fashion which was totally awesome. She said to me, "take your shot," which I clearly did. We made some small talk but she was hammered so I didn't really pay much attention to it. She briefly stood on the bar right on top of me and I stared deeply into her butt and otherparts. Sweet sweetness.
She came down from the bar and wasn't exactly sure what to do with herself. She sat down next to me and didn't say much. She looked around and her friends were occupied in conversation to her right. So, she took her left hand and put it first on my leg, and then inward about 8 inches squarely on top of my dick and balls. Awesome. It was at this point she said, "I'd pay you $300 to shave your face and then sit on it." (mission accomplished in my book). I laughed because it was so outlandish and said "prove it," but it fell on deaf ears because she was stupid and drunk.
This is when her supposedly gay friend Drew Osborne (google him) started to make a bevy of cockblock moves. He started swooping in close to kiss her and she said, "you've tried to kiss me like 4 times tonight! What the fuck!" He said some other shit and then mouthed to her, "I am going to fuck you so hard tonight." She didn't really say anything but then about 30 seconds later she swooped in real close to his face and they started making out. Then they pulled back and he put his left hand on her right breast. It was at this point I turned to the bartender Damien, who was right in front of me in the third well, and said "what the fuck is going on?" At this point, the other now off-duty bartender sitting across the bar, Kieran, said "WHAT THE FUCK? IS PETER EVEN IN THE RUNNING ANYMORE?" I answered aloud, "I doubt it, dude."
A couple seconds or so later, Lucy realized what was going on and went strangely silent. She looked at me and flashed her smile and movie-star eyes, in an attempt to woo me. I laughed and looked the other way like, "yeah, okay, got it dude." That's when her hand landed on my junk again. I looked over to my right and laughed, saying, "That is so aggressive. That's so awesome." She was immediately apologetic. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. That was so stupid. I can't be doing that kind of shit." I said, "Are you kidding? That was awesome. I wish more women were like you. Just be yourself." She loved that and kept her hand on my junk. Fantastic.
But then the dude, Drew, started cockblocking again and again I was convinced that I was out of the running. It went on for about 5 minute again and I looked across and saw Kieran just laughing a "you're done, bro!" laugh.
All of a sudden, cockblock Drew was preoccupied by a conversation with a few people to my left and I spied Lucy walking down the stairs behind me. I thought, this is my chance to try for it.
She was seated about five stairs down the twenty-five step staircase, so I went and sat down next to her. I started talking to her about random crap. She asked me to put her phone number into my phone. I pulled out my phone and handed it to her, that's when she first kissed me. I was about to laugh when it happened, but it was pretty sweet. We made out for about a minute and then I broke it off and asked her to put her number in my phone. Then I texted her from my phone and she entered my name in her phone. I said we should move down the stairs, your ride will be here shortly. (She was waiting for a ride from the Four Seasons VIP 24 Hour Shuttle) We went like 30 feet down the stairs and started making out again.
I almost fucking blew it like 1 minute into this makeout by drunkenly saying, "this is so fucking awesome!" She pulled back as if to know I was saying, "It's so sweet to be making out with a celebrity chick." I don't know how I thought of this but I said, "It's so awesome to be kissing such a soft kisser. These are such sweet kisses, such a good Fourth of July." She said something like, "yeah, these are really delicious," and then started kissing me but then opened her mouth like full Shark mouth diving her tongue in the back of my mouth.
We moved down the stairs fifteen feet to the base of the stairs, again awaiting the arrival of the Escalade. We started making out again and she reached her hand underneath my boxers and shorts straight on to my junk. While we made out she gave a 15-30 second exploratory tug of my junk. Yes, when I WASTED afterwards I told Dan she gave me an HJ. That is not accurate, it was not a full HJ. It was still awesome and I take full responsibility for my nearly blacked out drunken supposedly misleading texts to Dan. Either way, who the fuck cares.
She started grinding her hips on me, while my hands were buried deep in her butt. I said "I live like 100 yards away if you want to come home for a swim." She gave me a really drunken slurry response and I lost interest in being a predator and dragging her home with me. She was drunk enough she kept asking me for my number, if I wanted her number, etc. It was fucking stupid.
Anyways, she got in her van, we texted a bit, but it was obvious that I was her skank to bang (or not bang) on the road. Oh well. I don't give a fucking shit. And that was it.
The rest of you, it's only half way through so good luck.
Dan, your teams eulogy should come after Week 16? You fucking nerd.