Week 18: Brown clinches a playoff spot, Dan is deep in last.
Greetings and Salutations Mein Bonairs,
So, the trophy is complete tomorrow but Charlie says he doesn't want the trophy any more since it's so fucking late. So, I'm going into that store tomorrow and I am going to put together a little trophy for last year's champion Charzy. Hopefully, I'll have some pixxxx of the package I'm sending Charlie.
Also, I am locking teams in the playoffs who haven't paid me. I don't care. Money was due in April. It's August. Figure it out, you're a grown ass man.
Let's see...in other news I got an apartment in Oakland starting in mid-September so some of ya'll bitches can take bart over and say WASSSUPP because I live a block from Rockridge Bart UNGHHHH.
The playoff race after this week is supppppper tight with seeds 3 through 8 all in the playoff picture. My epic collapse continues as I plummet towards the conso toilet.
Also, I found this little starlet on my Facebook feed, so, like, you're welcome
Still though, tits and costumes are kind of awesome.
Dan actually had a decently competitive showing on offense salvaging a 3-3 tie but he was faceblasted by a trouser snake in the pitching categories, losing 4-1.
Dan's most interesting offensive players were Victor Martinez (5/1/6/400) and Eric Hosmer (5/1/8/414/1072). Dan's favorite player Bryce Harper pulsed his way to a rudimentary 3/1/3/174/669. Remember all of Dan's epic shit talk about Brycey? ......What's that you hear?........that's right...fucking crickets. SILENCE IN THE BASEMENT, TROLL.
Billy Butler (6/1/5/429/1162) and Domonic Brown (4/2/6/333/1036) did their best WWF tag-team action in the rumble in the bungfield. Also, Wil Myers has been getting his nasty scissor kick going since the All-Star break, hitting like 380 or something. Good for him.
Brian's pitching is very non-descript. Sweet strategy. Totes worked again this year. His usually strong Sale-Harvey combo was again this year, with each getting a win, 6ks and no earned runs.
Let's turn to the better side of the ledger, where schadenfreude reigns supreme.
Thank you, Dan, for making my loss feel so much better that I'm not you mired in last place.
FYI- Dan has officially given up all hope in this league though he soldiers on. That's a lesson some of you can remember. Of course, I'm talking about Matt Brown who so famously quit like a pussy last season.
Bodow was three strikeouts short of the tie...which he had in spades when he left Strasburg on the bench with 10k's in his first complete game win. IN FACt, with WHIP and Wins the way they are, bodow would have WON this matchup had he had in Strasburg. Bodow you derelict asshole pay attention to the league, pay me, and send me a pic of your dick. If you had paid attention this week you would have been only a game out of the playoffs. It's not too late.
Bodow also had some nice offensive production from Matt Carpenter (6/0/2/355/859) and Alex Rios (5/0/6/2/450/1110) but his offense came from the group rather than a few individuals. FYI, Hanley Ramirez hasn't played in a week or so. Maybe CHECKING THE LEAGUE will help. :-*
Ugh, I don't even want to talk about Matt's smarmy bitchface dogtit roster. Adrian Beltre did good. Paul Goldschmidt is slowing down. Austin Jackson (thank you saksen) good. Chris Davis good. Andrelton Simmons bad. Josh Donaldson bad, Derek Jeter retire? Joey bad. Matt bad. Matt derelict friend. Avoiding my 30th birthday he is. Two years in a row he do this. Last year scared of Las Vegas and pussywhipped. Too scared to admit to friends. This year he still pussywhipped but afraid of having fun with friends. Sense of adventure he has not. He change much. He big sloppy bitch. He prefer hairbraid fiesta to beer and star wars and friendship.
Pitching. Colon bad. Not suspended. Good for A's. Mujica still mexican. Cardinals flush down toilet. Cain bad then good still lose both times. Gregg good. Cubs bad. Kazmir bad. Karma bitch. Grilli still hurt. Season gone for him maybe so. Darvish so-so, still Japanese yet look like white dude?
I'm not gonna waste my time with Bodow's pitchers because I don't think he reads these and doesn't give a flying fuck.
Pat took the hitting categories 5-1 and the boys tied pitching 3-3. We always knew that Ben had quality pitching but it was surprising he made a solid run against a better offense in the Jumbaco! militia.
Leading the way for Ben was Justin Morneau's ridiculous 4/4/10/226/895 week. JJ Hardy jumped aboard again with a 3/3/6/316/1199. Other than that you didn't really have shit from anybody else except maaybe Andre Ethier 3/0/5/294/839.
Meanwhile, I don't know if anybody noticed but Pat has significantly downgraded his hitting bench in favor of eleventeen pitchers. Actually, he has 12. Of his remaining players, Justin Upton is back to form 4/3/5/1/391/1243, Jay Bruce has an exquisite dickface 2/2/5, and Jacoby Ellsbury is dropping hot p33nz 4/2/5/2/300/949. Also, I am fucking shocked that Big Papi is still playing (4/1/3/440/1060), but props to you, Pat. You took a risk and it worked out well. I hope the same thing will happen for me with Curtis Granderson.
Pat's 12 pitchers were highlighted by John Lackey (dickface) who had 2 losses, 15k's, and a sweet pair of manboobs. Hyun Jin Ryu had a great start with a win, 7k's and no earned runs, and even big time timmy jim the freaky franchise had a great start no earned rounds, 8k's and a win! Wowzers.
Meanwhile, Ben's typically strong staff was up the challenge this week. Bud Norris had 1w/7k/2.45era/1.36whip, MadBum Lance Lynn and Jose Fernandez were all hard luck losers for Ben.
Josh's Numbers Confuse, Frighten Me
Luckily for Charlie he got a split in pitching stats, and he probably didn't deserve to win any category except saves. I'd also like to give a charlie a special fah-q for having 8 saves from Rex Brothers (free agent), Joaquin Benoit (free agent), Danny Farquhar (free agent) and Koji Uehara (free agent). HOW THE FUCK IS IT THAT CHARLIE HAS ALL OF THESE PITCHERS??? DOESN'T ANYBODY PAY ATTENTION? Fuck me, I swear to god charlie is plugged into some app that sends him immediate texts whenever a closer is available. I wake up every day and am thankful by the hairs on my peeny peen peen that I somehow swiped Puig. You KNOW charlie was lurking in the shadows on that one.
Once again, Freddie Freeman posted 3/1/6/429/1158. Dan, youre tremendous at tradez. Mr Banana-pants, Adam Jones went crazy 7/2/8/1/571/1470. And Joey Bats continued proving that Toronto has the best homerdome of them all, 6/2/3/435/1318.
Miguel Cabrera made himself worthy of the #1 overall pick yet again with 7/4/11/429/1444. Man he kicks ass. Torii Hunter continues to make waves with 5/1/5/1/250/586. And Soriano has been very Alfonso Soriano-like, 4/2/4/1/160/592.
Josh has been making some noise as of late and he's only a half game out of the playoff race. His remaining schedule features a tough matchup with the Toilet Dogs, a matchup with always curious Bungfield, and cellar dwellars Ged and Dan. I hear him creep creeping.
Big Boner City: The Chronicles of Reddick
As you all may or may not know, I buttfucked myself by sitting at least six A's homeruns this week (five by Reddick, one by Moss) and they had probably 10 rbi's during that 24 hour span as well. Wunderbar! What a piece of shit I am. Thankfully, it didnt have much to do with anything else, I might have been able to tie Austin but not likely.
Austin's bitchass swept my leg 4-2 in the hitting stats and 3-2 in the pitching. Son OF A BITCH I cannot stop losing and it is driving me fucking bonkers. FUCK. Alex Gordon did some nice work this week though 4/3/6/2/286/1001 and Jose Reyes wasn't too shabby 3/2/8/1/310/885 but other than that all of my production was on the bench and Austin fucked me up.
Mike Trout (5/2/6/3/350/1169), Adrian Gonzalez (4/1/7/1/227/705), Stephen Drew (4/1/5/370/1044) and Carlos Beltran (3/1/4/364/982) all took turns gang raping me and cumming in my hair and ear. It was very awkward the next morning.
Just how good was Austin this week? He picked up mothafucking Tyson Ross, who SUCKS and he still got a win, 6k, 1.29/114. Although, to be honest, last year's opening day starter for the A's and a bay area native, Ross has won 3/4 with quality starts in all 4. Also, Felix Hernandez haha a win and 12k while somehow taking a loss despite his 2.08 era and 1.31/whip. Even Kyle Lohse got in on the rapey action.
RA Dickface had a nice week for me taking a win and no decision with 11 k's and a decent ERA. The real dick of the week was Chris Archer who had 1k and a 5.4era/180 whip pretty much eliminating any chance I could catch Austin's amazing stats.
Austin, I'd like to finger your butt with a long wooden dowel. Mr Sonofabitch.
Well, this leaves the playoff picture very confroozing.
You Can't Rape the Willing...But Ged Likes Rape So Don't Stop Now
Andrew McCutchen, likely this year's MVP, had 3/1/4/471/1277 while last year's MVP, Buster Posey went 0/0/1/105/355. Yipes. Not much to see here, your team was fucking horrible. Two things: (1) David Wright is likely done for the year, so theres no sense in holding on to him...unless Charlie might pick him up for the last week of the season... and (2) Daniel Descalso went to UC Davis, so hey, brownie points there. Jeez, our league isn't SO deep that you should be this shitty. You need to watch more MLB tonight, babe.
On the other side of the ledger, Saksen/Hinton had a decent week, easily doubling Ged in all of the hitting stats. My boi Aaron Hill (I own him in another league) popped that pussy with 3/2/5/500/1622 while that brother Elvis had a sweet week 7/1/5/5/321/902. Yes, you read that correctly, Saksen had 9 steals and 5 were from Elvis Andrus. Also, the Christian Assassin Matt Holliday had 4/2/6/1/478/1325 and was super smarmy with his religion and dickfacedness in St Louis. Ugh, fuck that guy.
Anibal Sanchez had 19 fucking strikeouts last week. Jesus. Sadly, that was Ender/Hinton's lone win. Also Rafael Soriano had 1 save and 1k while Mariano Rivera blew THREE saves in a row last week. That son of a bitch didn't even take a loss though. Luuuuuuckkkkkky.
Ged's hodgepode of pterodactyl poop strung together a nice run at Ender but in the end he was just not good enough. Ervin Santana got uncharacteristically torched while Trevor Rosenthal tumbled along with the Cardinals. Aroldis Chapman blasted his cuban cock all over everybody with 2 saves and 7k's. Very similar to Ged, most of his pitchers quietly showed up, struck out a few people.....kept runs to a minimum....disappeared for a entire weekend without explanation...watched a lot of game of thrones...and had nothing special to report even though you're pretty sure there is A LOT more going on than he would ever admit or like to admit....you're pretty sure something is up....THAT'S right Bronson Arroyo (1w/7k/1.29 era/.57whip).....Also, Ged picked up Brian Wilson...because we keep track of Holds in bonerland? Hmm...speaking of holds....nevermind.