Baseball Bonerland Post-Draft Dish
Shut the fuck up and come down on this yoenis, pt 4.
and now, what we have all been waiting for...
there was no joy for fans of Dodger blue,
as from the bat of Bobby Thomson
the "Shot Heard Round The World" now flew.
To this very day, deep in the heart of Brooklyn,
and the hearts of Dodger fans far away,
the call "The Giants win the pennant"
is still loathed to this very day."
- Rolf D. Ritschel, "The Shot Heard 'Round the World"
Ladies and Gentlemen...There has been a trade
Bourn, Soriano become dogs; jew, black guy named austin become cats
The Cat's Meow Get:
This is an interesting trade for both teams. Saksen has diversified his lineup adding steals, quality starting pitching, and saves. Matt, on the other hand, has chosen to go for power and offensive depth.
You have to wonder why Matt would want Jayson Werth (2011 numbers were 69/20/58/.232/718) who has worse numbers than Chris Davis and plays in a less hitter-friendly park. He's pretty much replacement quality at this point in his career. Austin Jackson gives Matt a starting centerfielder with some pop (103/16/66/12/.300). Paul Goldschmidt is coming off an excellent 82/20/82/.286/849 season. Moreover, FanGraphs projects around 27 homers, 90 runs, and 90-100 rbi's for him this season.
In return, Saksen got the closer for the best team in the league in Soriano who could contribute 40-50 saves this season, just what he had been looking for all week. And the addition of Michael Bourn adds another speedster to the lineup for the Dogs. But you have to wonder why he's going for steals in the first place because he lacks the stolen bags depth of most other teams in the league. In any case, Brandon Morrow should help offset the loss of future loss of Cliff Lee whenever Mike decides to trade him for Nate Schierholtz.
But let's get down to business....(it's business time)
pick number nine
Munzyball: Don't sleep on the sleepers/ goonies never die/ deep inside the eye of fantasy Sauron
1.(9)Joey Votto(Cin - 1B)2.(16)Justin Verlander(Det - SP)3.(33)Adam Jones(Bal - CF)4.(40)Jered Weaver(LAA - SP)5.(57)Roy Halladay(Phi - SP)6.(64)Brandon Phillips(Cin - 2B)7.(81)Chase Headley(SD - 3B)8.(88)Mark Trumbo(LAA - 1B,3B,LF,RF)9.(105)Miguel Montero(Ari - C)10.(112)Tim Lincecum(SF - SP)11.(129)Joel Hanrahan(Bos - RP)12.(136)Andre Ethier(LAD - RF)13.(153)Brett Anderson(Oak - SP)14.(160)Derek Jeter(NYY - SS)15.(177)Michael Morse(Sea - LF,RF)16.(184)Lance Lynn(StL - SP,RP)17.(201)Dan Uggla(Atl - 2B)18.(208)Manny Machado(Bal - 3B)19.(225)Michael Young(Phi - 1B,2B,3B)20.(232)Brandon Belt(SF - 1B)21.(249)Brian Wilson(SF - RP)
While no fatalities have been reported, the denizens of Bonerland certainly feel the wrath from High Chancellor Overlord Hatton.
"I am left impotent and fearful every time I logon to Yahoo!," a visibly scared and shaken Doctor Michael Saksen reported. "It's like he's about to lose every time somebody faces him. But then, out of some form of magic only (Overlord Hatton) can conjure, he always seems to slink away unscathed," Doctor Saksen said shortly before seeking shelter from another wave of flying monkeys. Saksen, a low-ranking member of Baseball Bonerland, claimed that he often spends nights alone in the dark huddled around his laptop trying to find ways to conquer the dreaded monster that is Munzyball. "I just don't know how to do it. I'm starting to think resistance is futile. I am defeated mentally, physically, and most embarrassingly, sexually," Saksen said.
The hubris is a concoction of first place finishes in baseball and football mixed with a dose of second place in hockey as well as a combination of conspiracy and disbelief from that hockey championship. The hubris, a toxin, paralyzes the muscles in the throat and anus, and forces a secretion of lubrication inside the walls of a persons ego. All the while the victim is awake, feeling the pains of nonconsensual fantasy intercourse throughout the entire week. A single dose of this toxin can leave a victim feeling angry and victimized but also begrudgingly admiring of Overlord Hatton mostly because he is just so darn sweet and cute during the entire horrific ordeal.
"Word to your moms, I came to dr0p b0mz...and ghey seks." --- Charlie Hatton
But not all is as it seems when it come to Hatton and his beloved pet, Munzyball. Indeed, last year Munzyball showed few signs of being dangerous until it summoned Mike Trout from the Waiver Wire Wizards. Even then, Munzyball looked to be defeated in the playoffs until it was given second life by disgraced asian warrior, Cobra Kai Dojo, who slain himself upon his sword of jaeger bombs, bud lights, and 2am shots of Jack Daniels the night before the final battle.
Cobra Kai Dojo was unavailable for comment, as it was possessed by vomiting Dragons.
This year the Munzyball Hydra has recomposed itself around lethal weapons Carlos Gonzalez, Joey Bats, Justin Verlander, and Jered Weaver. All four are impressive and worthy of praise and fear from potential victims.
Munzyballs offense is deep with power and several weapons show promise of improving on their 2012 numbers. Depth players Michael Young, Brandon Phillips, and Michael Morse all look primed to post better numbers this season. Meanwhile, Adam Jones lurks in the shadows ready to prove that, like his swag, his numbers are not to be fucked with.
Gonzalez is arguably the best all-around player in the game. Billy Beane could not be reached for comment. While CarGo, as he is known, has missed over 70 games the past two years he still posted a 90/22/85/20sb/.303/881 line last year in what he called "an off year." Gonzalez is 27 this year and is entering his prime year. It is likely that CarGo will post amazing numbers either this year or the next. "He's inside my head. I hear him coming for me and I feel a strange need for a thunder buddy. Fuck you, thunder," said a weary and distraught Matthew Brown.
It will be interesting to see what effect the addition of Shin-Soo Choo will have on the Reds lineup and how he will affect Brandon Phillips and Joey Votto. Phillips, a member of Team USA in the World Baseball Classic, is already an established all-star who may be able to improve on his already impressive 86/18/77/.281/750 numbers from last year.
Similarly benefitting from a change, Michael Young looks to prove that he can still play inside the confines of hitter-friendly Citizens Park. Young, eligible at 1b, 2b, and 3b, has fallen off from his prime in Texas but Overlord Hatton seems to think he has something left to offer in Philadelphia. As the 225th pick in the Bonerland draft, Young holds high potential as a sleeper.
"I just want to take things day by day, one step at a time. The coach has drawn up an excellent game plan, all that's left for us to do is just execute. We've got great guys in the room, I love this city, the fans are great. The fans here are the best in the league, I'm serious. I just want to do things to the best of my ability, and, Good Lord willing, things will work out." --Michael Young
Things don't stop in the batters box for the evil hydra, it's got a fair amount of skill on the pitcher's mound as well. Lead by Justin Verlander, Munzyball looks to slay his opponents like Verlander does Kate Upton (praise be).
Backing up Verlander, Jered Weaver looks to establish his dominant form of 2012 again. Weaver, a 20-game winner in 2012, will find it hard to improve on his 2.81 era and WHIP barely above 1. Similarly, third starter Brett Anderson looks to stay healthy for the entire season and to prove that, as the A's opening night starter, that he's not just some anonymous fat dude living next to the wrong team's stadium (he lives less than a block from AT&T Park, home of the Giants). It should be noted that Anderson was taken for excellent value at pick 153, belying his 25 strikeouts in 4 starts last season in Oakland.
Questions remain unanswered at the back end of Munzyball's starters with Roy Halladay and Tim Lincecum. While Lincecum recover from his disastrous 2012 or will he remain only a strikeout beast, looming on the trade circuit? Halladay has shown a sharp decrease in performance this past spring, with several scouts alarming Munzyball of his decreased velocity and bite on his strikeout pitches. Questions about Halladay's age, virility, and dickface have arisen. One must wonder if Halladay wishes he were back home in Toronto this season.
Finally, Munzyball features only one true closer to start the season in Joel Hanrahan. It must concern Charlie that his only true closer plays on possibly the worst team in the highly competitive AL East. Hanrahan's backup, Joaquin Benoit, is a member of the closer-by-committee situation in Boston- hardly adequate insurance.
All in all, it looks to be a successful year in Middle Earth (Denver). Barring another midseason conjuring of the best single season recorded in the modern era, Munzyball faces an uphill climb to repeat as champion. Yet, making the playoffs looks assured and, as Overlord Hatton knows, that's all you need to do to shut your critics up.
So, until then, be watchful of the skies. There are flying hubris monkeys everywhere.
And they are horny as FUCK.
Players to Watch: Chase Headley, Joel Hanrahan
Headley is currently on the DL with a thumb injury but while his return in a month is guaranteed, his performance is not. Will Headley arrive to compliment the rest of Munzyball's lineup? Or will he fall the way of the injured slugger unable to overcome a thumb injury without the benefit of a long offseason? Likewise, there is a lot of pressure on Hanrahan to succeed. If he falls apart, Munzyball might be too far up shit creek to find a traderape life raft on which to float back down. Be warned, fellow owners, Charlie is watching that waiver wire for relief men being handed the closers job.