Paws for Reflection
Happy holidays from Liz, Brandon, Scorpy, Luci, and Boromir
The most multimodal time of the year!
Our holiday newsletter parody has entered the 21st century (finally), evolving into a multimedia extravaganza of attempted hilarity! We hope it brings you some laughter and joy.
Note: Since its inception in 2003, our newsletter has featured the antics of our increasingly cranky old girl, Princess. In honor of what may well have been her wishes, we inform you that she would not approve of this message. Or of anything, frankly.
Pet Wars: The Furs Awaken
Indeed, some audiences have been startled by leaked reports -- seemingly confirmed by the official movie poster (shown above) -- that Luci has taken over the role of Han Solo, and the part of Rey has been given to Boromir, who is not only male but also a bunny rabbit.
J.J. Abrams was not immediately available for comment.
Scorpy: Shaken, not stirred.
Our jet-setting cat about town, Scorpy, has been traveling extensively over the past several years, visiting lush, exotic locations such as East Lansing, Michigan. It's all part of the glamorous, thrilling lifestyle of the Feline Intelligence Service; armed with a keen sense of fasion and a license to meow, his exploits are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.
The dangers of the job are something Scorpy brushes off easily. Deceptively languid, the morally complex hero's casual demeanor belies an undercurrent of lethal menace. This cat of many contrasts has survived numerous deadly encounters, miraculously living to meow another day.
But at 19+ years of age, some have argued that Scorpy is too old to continue his fast-paced life of international intrigue. The stylish feline's response to such criticism is characteristically nonchalant: "Live and let meow."
For Your Eyes Only
Stealth is the key to a successful mission; nobody expects the Scorpy Inquisition.
From Toledo with Love
Although Scorpy is accustomed to first class travel, he still prefers formal attire even for undercover missions.
International intrigue is exhausting.
Watch as Scorpy attempts a stealthy escape:
Luci accepts management position
Luci is excited to announce in this exclusive story for the Holiday News that she is working on her own business book. Full of sage advice sure to incentivize the professional synergy of millions, her work is tentatively titled "Your Cheese is Melting."
Boromir spotted simply walking into Mordor
In a twist of fate that would give Sean Bean pause, Boromir continues to beat the odds, eluding dangers like the Uruk-hai time and time again with no signs of slowing down.