Paws for Reflection

Happy holidays from Liz, Brandon, Scorpy, Luci, and Boromir

The most multimodal time of the year!

Our holiday newsletter parody has entered the 21st century (finally), evolving into a multimedia extravaganza of attempted hilarity! We hope it brings you some laughter and joy.

Note: Since its inception in 2003, our newsletter has featured the antics of our increasingly cranky old girl, Princess. In honor of what may well have been her wishes, we inform you that she would not approve of this message. Or of anything, frankly.

Pet Wars: The Furs Awaken

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Eager fans anxiously await the release of the latest installment in the epic Pet Wars saga, due to be released this month. Expected cameos by well-known humans are sure to delight die-hard devotees and newcomers alike. The new movie, already set to break box office records, has spurred a veritable avalanche of merchandise featuring the film's multi-species, gender-swapping cast.

Indeed, some audiences have been startled by leaked reports -- seemingly confirmed by the official movie poster (shown above) -- that Luci has taken over the role of Han Solo, and the part of Rey has been given to Boromir, who is not only male but also a bunny rabbit.

J.J. Abrams was not immediately available for comment.

Scorpy: Shaken, not stirred.

Our jet-setting cat about town, Scorpy, has been traveling extensively over the past several years, visiting lush, exotic locations such as East Lansing, Michigan. It's all part of the glamorous, thrilling lifestyle of the Feline Intelligence Service; armed with a keen sense of fasion and a license to meow, his exploits are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.

The dangers of the job are something Scorpy brushes off easily. Deceptively languid, the morally complex hero's casual demeanor belies an undercurrent of lethal menace. This cat of many contrasts has survived numerous deadly encounters, miraculously living to meow another day.

But at 19+ years of age, some have argued that Scorpy is too old to continue his fast-paced life of international intrigue. The stylish feline's response to such criticism is characteristically nonchalant: "Live and let meow."

Watch as Scorpy attempts a stealthy escape:

Scorpy's Guy Smiley Impersonation

Luci accepts management position

Having been elevated to a management position this year as senior dog at House of Boltz, Luci has been working tirelessly to calibrate her core competencies in order to align with stakeholder expectations. Her goal, reportedly, is to proactively operationalize her brand trajectory as Alpha Dog (despite prevailing capability headwinds). To that end, she has been working her way though industry-standard process maps and proven methodologies.

Luci is excited to announce in this exclusive story for the Holiday News that she is working on her own business book. Full of sage advice sure to incentivize the professional synergy of millions, her work is tentatively titled "Your Cheese is Melting."

Boromir spotted simply walking into Mordor

Surprising everyone and defying conventional meme-dom, local rabbit (and well-known adventurer) Boromir simply and effortlessly hopped into Mordor. Reportedly, the temerarious lagomorph was seen foraging for treats with a spring in his step -- seemingly heedless of Orc hordes and the lidless Eye of Sauron. He then began to demolish a pile of snow -- it being unseasonably cool in Mordor this winter -- searching perhaps for something precious.

In a twist of fate that would give Sean Bean pause, Boromir continues to beat the odds, eluding dangers like the Uruk-hai time and time again with no signs of slowing down.

Boromir dashes through the snow.