Week 5: Stamkos is out

Seriously, Austin pay attention


Fantasy manager to take Austin's place

In a shocking turn of events, Austin has managed to mismanage his team for a third straight week, giving league hanger-on Ryan his third undeserved victory of the young season. Apparently visions of Ziggly grandeur just aren't as strong for some managers. Is Austin flagrantly irresponsible with time management? No, not according to Charlie. Does he have a drinking problem? No, not according to Pete. Whatever the reason is, I'm sure it's really shitty and I'll totally care. So let this be a formal proclamation whereby Austin, if you do not get your fucking shit together and start participating in this league, then we'll start looking for someone who we can beat fair and square. Long story short - no more free rides for pretty boy Luzum.

Hey look who it is

It's Charlie

After five weeks of searching his couch cushions, Charlie finally scrounged up the $40 that unlocked his team. At first I thought using the $40 he won from Pete's fantasy baseball league would make perfect sense, but that proved too complicated. I think it's a lot easier to start 0-5, cuz we need the head start amirite? ;-)

Waiver Wire Update

This is a production update. Seriously this guy is owned in 0% of fantasy leagues?!

Line of the Night

Monday: The Malkin-g Dead: 1g, 2a, -1, 2pim, 13sog, 6hit, 3blk

Tuesday: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW: 4g, 5a, +7, 16pim, 3ppp, 32sog, 40fw, 9hit, 9blk

Wednesday: Joan Smoothers: 2g, 3a, +5, 15pim, 1ppp, 17sog, 10hit, 8blk

Thursday: The Cat's Meow: 2g, 3a, +7, 6pim, 1ppp, 25sog, 57fw, 15hit, 6blk

Friday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 3g, 4a, +1, 2pim, 2ppp, 18sog, 12fw, 15hit, 4blk, 0.92gaa, 34sv, .971sv%

Saturday: CatPasey: 4g, 6a, +2, 8pim, 2ppp, 34sog, 43fw, 22hit, 10blk, 2.00gaa, 24sv, .923sv%

Sunday: The Malkin-g Dead: 2g, 6a, +5, 6pim, 3ppp, 21sog, 28fw, 10hit, 3blk

Week 5 Matchups

Nesting sites not suitable for either suitor (ELBOWs 6, Fiber 6):

At least for me this felt like a legitimate playoff matchup, from the Addisonian spreadsheet madness to anguishing over adds to constantly touching myself. The little diamond mine in my butt was halted Sunday night, however, as this epic standoff ended in a (fitting) tie. I could say that my Carter Hutton add single handedly fucked me, as I would have won saves and not been so clearly fucked on GAA. I then had to go into scramble mode, but Chris was right with me on many categories - including faceoffs (?!?!). I remember last season you had 25 face offs for an entire matchup, now you have 169. I swear, when I find out who is managing Chris's team....I'm gonna shake his hand....or her hand. Former ELBOW draft pick Paul Stastny is still in a groove, and Kyle Turris of all people fucked me as well. Chris once again crushes the goalie stats, and through five weeks is leading all goalie categories except shutouts. Praise be for Rask's shutout on Monday, though - Ryan you can stuff that in your Bucket and shoot it right into your lungs.

I'd also like to highlight my stellar -14 on Sunday. That's great stuff.

Be better Austin (Droplets 10, Dead 2):

I've already addressed this in the opening statements, but Austin's fantasy airplane that has been on auto pilot is now running out of gas. As everyone except for Austin knows, Stamkos is out for at least three months. But it really doesn't matter seeing as Austin benches him anyway amirite. Granted, he only benched two Stamkos goals this week, but I have my all-seeing eye of Mordor on you you fuckin bomb.

Shut up Ryan.

Daem beat dat pussy up (Hot Ice 7, Meow 5):

No, 7-5 is not their respective scores on any given par 3. Saksen brings Matt down to his level this week as they both sit at 2-3 in the standings. Both managers went with the 4-goalie committee, but Catboi got the better end of the deal in both GAA and SV%. Brown just couldn't keep up with the primary offense, as....Bryan Little led Mike's team with 3g, 3a, and 40fw. Dubinksy stays hawt for the Meowzers, 1g, 4a, 12hit, but is still on the CBJs. Brown's cash cows in Spezza, Kopitar, and Backes didn't do a whole lot, and to make matters worse his hipster sleeper Gudas didn't quite deliver the PIMs and hits like he did against the ELBOWs. Matt will look to rebound against the Paseys, and Mike will continue to shut up profusely.


It has been prophesied that The Great NeonDion Revival will manifest as a migration of caper bats that travels from Pete's apartment directly to Lucy Hale's twitter account. The time is nigh, and before long Pete will even start to wake up in time for the west coast night games. He has decided to re-exert his dominance against BriChi's waning Bewb Squad, taking offensive categories by a storm of butt hail and party sprinkles. Perhaps the key to Pete's success was that Brian didn't do the goalie committee this week?

The Schaudenfreude tendencies in me actually wanted Pete to lose solely based on the fact that he sat Giroux's first goal of the season (in addition to another Taylor Hall goal), after whining like a little bitch about Giroux playing like a 10 year old girl for a month. Hey. Pete. Shut the fuck up. Then trade me Giroux for Kevin Bieksa. Then let's get some King Yen and make this official.

Five weeks late, $40 short (Pasey 9, Charzy 3):

Charlie, welcome to Hot Ice you seksi little horse pussy ;)

Charlie's first week back in the saddle probably didn't go quite as planned, but hey 11fw is a good start. Charlie sat half of Brodeur's shutouts, and could have made it competitive had he played both of them. Pat's goalie stats were pretty impressive at 1.67gaa, 73sv, .936sv%, as were his offensive stats at 13g, 19a. Zetterberg led the Bonerz with 3g, 3a, and is just dying to land on the Dangleberries. AO and Duchene led the Paseys, but uh oh down goes Quick with a lower body injury.

Week 5 Awards

Goalies Best: Fiber Frenzy

Shut Up: Hot Ice Beast, The Malkin-g Dead, Dangleberry Droplets

From the Grave: NeonDion PewpMachine

Week 6 Predictions

THAT IS NOT A PewpMachine: I AM GOING TO HAVE NONCONSENTUAL SEX WITH YOUR FACE, AND BUTT. I have waited for this day for many moons, my friend. I am going to unleash Wayne Simmonds all up on your bobbum, just like you did to me in April. Then I'm going to treat you to a salmon dinner and call your dodd. ELBOWs 7, Neon 5

Dangleberry Frenzy: If anyone can put an end to this ridiculous carnival of freeloading, it's Chris Mertens. Ryan you need to shut up and kiss me. Frenzy 8, Droplets 4

Malkin-g Beast: Austin I don't have any faith in you. Plus Saksen's team is actually pretty good. Beast 8, Dead 4

Pasey's Meow: MMMM it's the annual Cat Off, very highly anticipated. Both teams now have injured primary goalies, so let's see who can land the first Carter Hutton bomb. I'm gonna say it's Catboi. Pasey 7, Meowz 6

Smooth Bonerz: Charlie's first full week should see quite a few seksi moves, but he's going up against Move Man #1 in BriChi. Let's get it on Joan 7, Zamz 5

Eat mai buTT,