The Playoffs are Here! The Capers Are Near! Show me dixx?
OH MY FUCKING GOD THE PLAYOFFS ARE HERE...
YAH that's right is a ragehatesexabortion filled version of the dish. Why? Because I'm fucking sick, and I'm fucking tired from (a) masturbating (b) denying that I was masturbating (5) not masturbating enough (11) finding a new shower to masturbate in and (f) cumming in my pants when I saw my five o'clock shadow in the mirror.
Also, I'd like to welcome Ged and Saksen back to their annual dish writing duties and point out that MATT BROWN DOESN'T WRITE SHIT. Why? Because it's hard to write while sitting indian style 3 inches from the TV first of all, and second of all because Matt (or Maui Matt, as we know him as) is a passenger, not a driver. Want to go golf with Matt? Sure, just make all the arrangements and he will show up. It's your birthday and he's paying for his fees? Oh, dog, don't make the mistake of thinking he's gonna pay for your round. WHY WOULD HE EVER? Want a fantasy league? Sure, Matt will be a member of all four of them but oooooh dog he's not gonna be a commish! That would require answering his phone, and we all know Matt is afraid his phone will give him Joey-AIDS if he picks it up. Even last place Dan writes a dish every week. Loaf.
But why am I shitting on Matt so hard? Because that's all I did all week baby, and I wasn't even playing against him. Enjoy third place you silly cock machine. ALALALLALALALAA! TALIBAN!
So, let's get to it you silly bitches! MATCHUPS and PLAYOFF PREDIXXXXX.
Also, I wanted to make sure you've all seen this? He's Coming! He's Coming!
Josh you better win, bitch.....oopz.
And I quote from the book of Penis Prophets, Chapter 6, Book 9, Verse 6969: "Well, I have to be honest, Dan's roster doesn't impress me a ton. Yet, given his rosterbating and bragging, I am going to assume that it's just because I am a retard and Dan knows more than me. BUT, and that's a big but, I reserve the right to feel satisfied and knowledgable later on this year when your team kinda sucks and I will come back to read this and just feel soooooooo smarmy and smart."
Dan, your body was done good by the double start week from Kennedy, Bailey, and Hamels. In turn, they left 14, 17, and 17 k's in your mouth for your digesting pleasure. All three of them had wins, ERA's below 2, and such sexy WHIP's. God, thats erotic. Even moreso sexy, Ziegler, Rodney, and YaBoyLaTroy had saves. You got a clean sweep in the pitching categories and with that, peace Josh.
Josh your pitching was pretty dogshit this week. Even David Price and Iwakuma pitched far below their levels. For your sake, you should hope that this is not the signal that your talented players are starting to tank at the end of the season. That ALWAYS happens in baseball. Fuckkkkk yewwwww. I don't know who Jacob Turner is? Congrats on the SWEET stream of Straily. Everybody around here sucks his cock and honestly I don't see it.
But on offense, where Josh was 5-1, Mike muddafucking Napoli swung a strong stick 7/4/9/476/1720. And, as Soriano goes, he's still Alfonso Soriano 5/1/8/1/.222/661. Luckily for Josh, that was all he needed to beat the offensive piss out of Dan's team-- because Dan's team sucks :-*
Dan: Joey Votto had a nice week with a solid 4/2/3/231/912. It's about....8 weeks too late and far too infrequent. Also, Headley was cute 3/2/2, and Eric Hosmer played outstandingly for the "whothefuckcares's" 6/1/4/1/375/1066.
So....Josh lost...Could GED sneak his way up the standings and into the second season???
Shit, so if Ged wins....OF COURSE Bodow Slings Dick
I'm not even going to bother typing up Bodow's offensive production. It's completely ridiculously awesome. Take a look.
Neither of your pitching was overly fantastic and thus ends a pretty fucking shitty season for both you. Enjoy the consolation bracket, fantasy football, fantasy hockey, and Bodow I hope you rejoin us next year for some less derelict ways. :-*
At least Matt locks up second place with a win...
Thank you, Charlie for beating Matt and making me the three seed. And thank YOU, MATT for being soooooo beatable the last few months. Also, thanks for refusing my attempts to get value for Josh Donaldson....haha! you're so lucky you didn't make the chris davis trade to me and so stupid for not trading me Josh Donaldson (not that I offered you shit, really).
Quick recaps because nobody gives a fuck:
Charlie won pitching 4-1-1, Matt won offense 4-2: thus 6-5.
Matt's big stars on offense: Robinson Cano, Austin Jackson (thank you, Saksen), Shin-Soo Choo (told y'all), Brett Gardner.
Charlies offense: Freeman (thanks Dan), Machado, and Adam Jones (I want him back, please).
Charlie's better pitchers: pretty meh, as he was the least shitty of two shitty staffs. Verlander had 7 k's, Uehara had 2 saves 6k, Liriano was not good, Rex Brothers was also super untrustworthy and bad.
Matt's pitching staff?: Bartolo was not dogshit, Mujica was not good, Grilli isn't the starter anymore, and the Chia-Jen Lo experiment didn't work. Nice try though. And, then you handed me a week off. Thanks, I could use it ;)
Capers beech that second seed is all minezzzzzz!
I barely squeaked by but I DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKKKKKKKK SECOND SEED PUSSIES.
I'd like to thank my darling Edwin Encarnacion, my beloved Prince Fielder, my lovely Alex Gordon, my dear Brandon Moss, my chum Ben Zobrist, Sonny Gray, Dillon Gee, Max Scherzer and the rest of the STIXXX for a great season. I'm sad to say that because of course I will be losing next round this will likely be my swan song.
In other news, my left hand is pregnant AGAIN.
Ben, you never had a chance. But you did produce on offense this week and hey! That's PROGRESS. Just think of what you'll do next year when you know what you're doing during the draft. Two words that summarize your demise: GIANCARLO STANTON.
Next year will be better for you. I promise :)
Nobody cares but let's talk quickly
Apollo wins. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon lose.
Pat moves on to playoffs for second straight year. Brian? Better luck next year, babe.
Really, nobody gives a flying blow job from space here
Austin goes to where ever it is that he lives, masturbates, calls me super late night, shows up, we play pong....all of us are still smiling as we dragon puke off my balcony and climb atop it to pee.
PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS BABY
#3 The Cat's Meow vs. #6 Miguel's Scotch Club
Lineup analysis (last 14 days):
Josh: B- Napoli, Murphy, Iglesias, Soriano, Byrd, Price, Griffin (yeah, right, good luck dog, he won't do shit when it matters)
Matt: Cano, Jackson, Shin-Soo Choo, Gardner, Donaldson, Chacin, Gregg, Bartolo, Travis Wood.
Josh: Miggy, Kinsler, Ichiro, Torii, J Roll, Turner, Fister.
Matt: Arencibia, Goldschmidt, Beltre, Simmons, Mujica, Grilli, Darvish.
Record Last Ten Matchups:
Matt (3-6-1) Josh (5-5)
From a simple who's hot/who's not perspective its a bit of a toss up, ditto the streaks of winning. This matchup seems like it's going to be one that comes down to the streamers on sunday and the best matchups. I don't know which one of you is going to be the best but I think that someway, somehow, by some stroke of cat luck matt will be victorious. I wouldn't be surprised if his tiny, microscopic, super domesticated penis was forced to sell high on some of his players just to get that extra chance at greatness.
Thanks for Yu Darvish ahead of time. :-*
Sorry, Josh. FIght the good fight, there's always money in the banana stand.
#4 Jumbaco! Jumbaco! vs. #5 Toilet Dogs
Pat: Papi, UGH Fat Fuck Panda, Ian Desmond, Jay Bruce, Melancon, Huston Street,
Mike: Ryan Zimmerman, Elvis Andrus, Jayson Werth, Matt Holliday, Anibal Sanchez, Cliff Lee, Mariano (despite all his blown saves he still has 5), Rafael Soriano,
Pat: PedoBear, Justin Upton, Carlos Gomez, Mike Minor, Chris Perez, Grant Balfour, Jim Henderson.
Mike: Mcann, Aaron Hill, Markakis, AJ Ellis, Adam Dunn, Michael Bourn, Clayton Kershaw.
Maybe we shouldn't count Pat out..
IN FACT: I am predicting a Pat Steggall pitching masterpiece streamer bonanza that lifts him just barely above Mike. Why? Because it's fucking Mike Saksen. He knows about as much at fantasy success as he does about gentle sex and complimenting other men.
wait...no. I can't do it. I want to do it but saksen is just having a far better offensive month and there is no amount of dongery that Pat could sling together to conquer that amount of Dong. It's just not happening.