Week 8 Di$h

Fillin up your eyeholes with sweet fantasy spooge

How's my Anal Lysis Looking?

Pretty
Pretty
Pretty good
Preeeeety good.

You know what's looking even better? Tier I
Tier I: 136.1
Tier II: 128.7
That's all day sub-humans, you should all be better.

Top score was dumpster muffin Pete Shenkin with 212 while former champion in disgrace Chinky only managed 104 for the lowest. Eskimo bros joins him as the only two teams who would have lost to victim of fantasy hubris Ca7b0i. Be better Matt.

Brandon Meriweather to Get Invite to Late Night

You're out Greg
That's some legendary heat being thrown around. Hopefully BMeri chooses us over puttin some water in Buck Nasty's Mom's di$$$hhh

FACES IN THE CROWD

WILD CARD: Former and future legend of TBS Kenny Stills catches a bomb and another TD. Good for him but this guy is seriously a legendary piece of shit. For Oklahoma he tried to start fights in every game and was constantly sending out boneheaded tweets with super awesome grammar. He took a retarded pass interference penalty at the end of the Notre Dame game last year and lost his fucking mind. Legendary blowup, but I digress....Being a dipshit and a saint he probably won't get much love on the waiver.

ANTI-NIRVANA: Due to our excellent managing this week no real dreadful benches, or maybe it was just the bye week. Definitely the bye weeks. Anywho instead of Anti-nirvana we'll do something else...

GET AN AIDS TEST CUZ YOU JUST GOT RAPED: I'd like to recognize Matt Brown for his astonishingly unlucky* set of trades this week. After turning down acquiring Dalton (derp), he traded Thomas and Ivory which wasn't awful. Then he gave away Thomas (terple) AND Kris Durham (meeerp) for 3rd WR Reuben Randle (drrrrrr) who had a shocking 0 points. For those counting at home Durham had 5 and Thomas 8 which would have absolutely won Matt the matchup. Some may call it luck, but I call it walking down a dark alley in a miniskirt when Pete Shenkin is lurking hella blacked out. Honorable mention to Jon Tu who scraped a win despite 0 from former Catfish Steven Jackson, 11 pug rolls for 6 yards, this sounds like a familiar story in Atlanta. And yes I know the ultimate affront to the fantasy gods I'm making right now, I'll make shower drain sacrifices later, #praisebeJC #6-2.

DIRK DIGGLER: Calvin Johnson's inconceivable 41 came despite losing a fumble and scoring only 1 TD despite THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY EIGHT FUCKING YARDS. Megatron had more yards receiving than all but 3 qbs had passing this week. Losing effort tho. Beat it Lacey. Lacey did take some time out of her day to put you assholes on blast for offering too little for Megatron. Seriously guys, if you want the consensus number one at a position you need to offer 1 good one and 1 injured one for him. Beat it Jon.

SUICIDE WATCH CONTINUES: Fuck Greg 2 weeks ago you were still the commish fave, now you're on relegation watch. Sure you ran into a monstrous quivering boner of a lineup (Marvin Jones fucking seriously?!) but you've turned into a slightly better version of the Catz - led by your kicker. I love you. But be better. Cuz I'll stop loving you.

PERFECTION: Should I just say Hurricane Ditka? I still hate you Pete. 333 top possible score.
qbs Brees 33, Staff/Dalton 32
wrs Mega 41 Marvin 36 Jordy/Stills 24
rbs Ellington 21 DMC 19 Moreno 18
te Graham 15
flex wr tate 21 rb Gore 17 te VD 11
k Josh Brown 18
dst Cinci 31

* May also be interpreted as awful. Though Matty does deserve a stick-tap for the assist for helping me land AP. #collusion
Big image
Kenny Fucking Stills ladies and gentlemen

To the Matchups...

Bottom Found: Joey Durso buggers away challenger 149-115: Joey is just never gonna stop the pain train from rollin. Oren had some minor bye problems and some HUGE rb problems. Looks like we're back to the Oren who lives and dies by the QB. I'd just like to point out that MJD is Oren's best RB. 11 is a godsend from him...I realize now I'll have to eat my words this week. Joey got monstrous days from Stafford and Jordy to prop up some disappointing WR/TE play. NE defense played pretty well for a bye week fill-in. I'm coming for you JoeJoeBear. Also be better at golf.

Fantasy Gods Take Pity on Jon: Bush inexplicably holds on 129-125: I'm still waiting for Seattle to give the rock to their best player who happens to be a running back against the worst defense in the NFL. If you guys missed watcheingthe win percentages scamper like a catbo1 on a hot tin roof Monday night then you're fucking out. Lynch was only slightly more disappointing than SJax (peace). Jon had 12 points from his 5 starting WRs. That's fucking breathtaking. Charlie (no way) overthought his team and played a two TE set with predictable results. Praise be Dalton #Catfishforlife.

What, me Worry?: Never had a doubt 145-129: Being thirty points down with 2 games to go gave me a super tight butthole, luckily my 3 dewdz outscored Lacey's 1 dewd 45 to -1 (yes that's a negative, it was a statcorrection but still). My colon walls were stretched to the brink by Megatron's monstrous phallus, but held fast, thank you Canasa! Adrian Peterson is 19943874 times more fun to watch when he's on your team, praise be. Lacy fucked Lacey too which must have been nice. That Andre Ellington breakout performance fucked me twice as Mendy's prospects are down the shitter. Be better Lacey.

Ugh Takes Out Trash, Joins .500 Club: Ugh has a bye week 132-109: Goddamnit Matt your team not only sucks but underperforms. 5 points from the RB position? Shoulda sold high on Helu. Drew Davis was a sweet pickup but did not come close to propping up your sagging vagina. Gio is now tied with TY for the 'Why the hell are you not feeding this guy more?!?!' award. Sweet trade for Reuben Randle Matt. If it makes you feel better even if you hadn't made trades you still lose :-*. Dan got 21 from Tate which made up for Vick's 0, I'm really glad Dan was such a bitch about trading him to me. Good job dropping edelmunz and Celek, they're stupid boners.

This Got Out of Hand Quickly: Ditka dominates 212-109: Our first 100p+ victory this year. I can't imagine what Greg was thinking watching Marvin Jones (who?!) catch 4 fucking TD passes. He was probably so angry his skin turned it's totally normal color. As an AJ Green owner I'd also like to say fuck Marvin, but I digress. Pete had 30+ from his WR4 and QB which is usually enough to win. What's worse is total WRs Pete had 79 fucking points from the 5 he started whereas Red had 18 from 4. That's capers precious. Greg is unfortunately taking on Matt's theory of having his kicker be his best player. NO! BAD GREG!


Pozishunzz

Brought to you this week by...Laptop covers?!?
Thanks to Mrs. Dr. Commish for the research*

QB
1) Jiz 391 2) HD 344 3) FYRB 332 4) KKK 279 5) Red 259 6) TDS 257 7) DCS 235 8) Ugh 230 9) K4t 214 10) JC 205

WR
1) JC 353 2) TDS 325 3) DCS 309 4) KKK 303 5) RED 302 6) Ugh 270 7) cat 254 8) Jiz 252 9) HD 248 10) Bush 174

RB
1) ugh 306 2) HD 281 3) TDS 272 4) jc 246 5) Jiz 206 6) kkk 204 7) bush 201 8) cat 188 9) dcs 180 10) Red 175

TE
1) fyrb 126 2) kat 92 3) red 93 4) JC 74 5) tds 67 6) kkk 61 7) hd 59 8) dcs 55 9) jiz 31 10) Ugh 27


*I think my wife was looking at porn and found laptop covers as a diversion

HAWT SAWFT PREDIXXXXX

FUCKING SMORE DELETED ALL MY PREDIX RIGHT WHEN I WAS FINISHING. In protest I will only list winners and one reason

HD over KKK, Ben + Thad = queef sound

TDS over katb01, because whores don't get a second chance

JC over Jiz, Luck is real

DCS over Ugh, because Dan is very concerned with his week 10 matchup. Never look past a matchup rook

J22 over Red, because Greg is playing Kenny Stills.

Smore can eat my fucking nuts