Baseball Bonerland!

Week 2: R u Drinkin mein' homerun?

Hey there u seksi sleeperz-

So, it's a little bit somber in the world around us today (and tomorrow when you'll be getting this hawt d1$h). It's a good time to quietly reflect on lucky we all are for the everyday graces in our lives, particularly every Tuesday or Wednesday when you are blessed with a several page chronicle of your fantasy baseball exploits.

Here, in Bonerland, we are blessed that our beloved Brian Addison of Bungfield fame is alive and well, as is his girlfriend, and all of his bitchen friendzzzz. Brian even had some sassy contributions to make:

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If you're not familiar with our banter about shit Tim McCarver says, well, he pretty much says stupid shit all the time. Sometimes he is ethnically inappropriate, other times he is historically inaccurate, or sometimes he is just plain casually racist. The link below is a good example of when he got into a bit of trouble comparing Joe Torre to a fallen Nazi General. Eeeeeeeeeeeek.

Anyways, Brian, we are all glad you are okay out there.

News and Notes From Around the World!

Please tell me that you have seen this video already
I sleep well at night knowing FOR A FACT that if any member of this league was put in a similar situation that we would all do the THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING.

Props to this hipster even though his haircut makes him look like the Goth Kid from South Park.

Mariners fan catches ball in beer cup, then chugs
Note: ESPN blocks embedded links so I can't post any of their content here. They did a follow up this fucking hipster and OF COURSE he was drinking some super hipster dark beer

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Empty-ass Marlins Park:

It gives a me a lot of pleasure to re-post this from Deadspin. They call it "Empty stadium porn." There's not much I can add to what they say after the jump but it pisses me off that the Marlins did this on the backs of their fans. Jeffrey Loria is a fucking asshole.

UPDATE: Last Thursday's HBO Real Sports hammered the Marlins as well.
People in Chicago Take Their Curses Very Seriously:
Yes, you read that right. Somebody cut off the head of a goat and left it at Wrigley Field for Tom Ricketts.

Overall Stats from Week 2

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Last week's top-ten hitters
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MMmmmmmmm that pleases me greatly to see Prince up there....

Also, Commish Fave Bruno Mars/Coco Crisp put in some serious work on his way back to Crogan's

Featured Matchup: Saksen v Pat

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At First John Buck Was All Like....

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And Then He Was Like

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Well, this is the third time I will bring up the fact that Saksen should thank his lucky stars that he autodrafted. He actually had (this hurts me to say it outloud) a pretty good week across the board. Pat had a good, competitive week but was, like Saksen's dick in the shower, beat up and down by Mike.

On offense, Mike had better counting stats but lost steals and percentage stats. I'm sure Mike would say to expect this output all year but let's put this week in perspective: In one week John Buck equaled nearly a quarter of his entire offensive output from last year (5/4/10/.238/1048). The only other person who hit a dinger on his team was Nick Markakis who backed it up with a .200/773 split. That doesn't bode particularly well for the future. But, Daniel Murphy did supplement his other New York Met with a line 3/0/5/.667/1489. We might as well rename them the Toilet Mets. Matt Holliday did his part as well, (5/0/4/.333/923). Mike did have a little bit of depth, to be honest, he had three guys score 3+ runs and four guys with 4+ Rbi's on the week.

For Pat, Justin Upton continues his monster mash across America (5/2/4/2/.375/1214) but other than that Pat lacked serious counting stat depth. Neither team featured particularly impressive percentage stats but Pat's lack of dogshit OPS guys on his team (Mike, I'm looking at Angel Pagan, Nelson Cruz, and Elvis Andrus) enabled him to get some points on Saksen.

Saksen won the pitching stats 3-2 thanks to Pat being unable to score another win for the tie. Jake Peavy slanged some dixxx for Pattycakes in a two start week with a win and 18k's but it hurt on the backside with a 5.11era and a loss. Also, Wade Miley had a good start with a win, 5k's, and a 2.7 era and 1.20 WHIP.

Saksen you were wise to release Carlos Marmol he is a a pile of dogshit. You should praise Allah he didn't caper the tits off your bullpen. You did get seven good starts this week, including two off the waiver wire. You should give some tips to Dan about that. Ps- Dan sucks at the waiver wire. Kershaw got 9k's in a loss, Anibal Sanchez got 8 in a win with a 1.29ERA, and Cliff Lee got his second win of the year (didn't that take until August last year?) with an ERA of 2.08 and a WHIP of .92. Not bad, mate.

I'd like to offer this congratulations to you, Mike. It's two weeks in and you haven't actually lost yet.

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This miiiiiight be my last win for a bit...

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Yeah, so we all know Jose Reyes busted his ankle sliding into second base. Fuck. This is the second time I've owned JR in fantasy and this is the second time he has busted himself up. FUCK. Well, the good news is that I'm hella fucking smart and drafted middle infield depth. Keppinger and Zobrist should hold down quite well. Unfortunately, this means I now have 3 players on the DL on my roster who won't play for like a month.

I had pretty decent numbers but Brian's bad numbers made my win a lot easier. The only people on Brian's roster worth mentioning were Yadier Molina and Troy Tulowitzki who combined for 6/2/8/~.270/~815. Brian, the Rays are stinking it up right now....maybe Wil Myers makes an appearance soon? Juuuust saying.

HOLY SHIT MAKE WAY FOR PRINCE FIELDER. 5runs/2dongs/11rbis/.632/1891. Looks pretty good for the fifth pick, eh Dan? My boy Brandon Moss dropped some dick on the Angels in Anaheim 3/2/9/.280/957. And my s00per sleeper Carl Crawford might make the loss of Jose Reyes easier to handle, especially if he gets hotter and re-emerges as one of the better fantasy players around (please o please o please).

Guys, it's time to face it the first sleeper pick to bloom is Matt Harvey. For three straight starts he has fucking blown bitches up. He had two of them this week and he gathered two wins, 15k's, an ERA of 1.2 and a WHIP of .60. Tip o' the hat to you Brian.

I can't believe I still beat Brian in the pitching categories after I made the ultimate Cheddar Bob self-caper of sitting Max Scherzer against Oakland (11k's, 1er, 1.0 WHIP). Anyways, Hideki Kuroda was probably my standard-bearer in victory here piling up two wins, 11k's, an era of 1.88 and a WHIP of .98.

Going back to the playoffs last year, the Stixx have established a little bit of the mental edge over the Bungfields. YUP. DENVER SUCKS ASS.

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While Dan will tell you that he should have won this matchup because Andre Ethier got thrown out going for the winning steal in the 9th inning of the Sunday matchup, the numbers back up that Bodow should have won this. Further, it is likely that if Matt Wieters didn't completely shit his pants (1/0/0/.095/269) and if Yoenis Peeniscespenis didn't get hurt mid-week that Bodow would have won this.

As it stands, Danilo Bonifacio is starting to fret his roster decisions and I am sooooooooo fucking horny for that. Like, beyond pants throbbing, beyond 4-hour boner, beyond three consecutive non-completion beej's horny.

Fucking Starlin Castro had a great week (he was probably paying attention this week?) with a 3/2/5/.379/1138 slash line. And cocksucker motherfucker Bryce Harper continued his hot start with 4/2/5/1/.333/1059 slash. While Joey Votto had a cute line of 4/1/2/1.353/1209, it's not quite the superstar production Dan was looking for. In fact, for those reasons Dan had this nice little interaction with the one and only Buster Olney of ESPN:

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I love it when Dan gets bitch slapped (with baby powder, I might add) by Buster Olney. WhaaaaaPISH!

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Hunter Pence had a good week for Bodow with some very timely homeruns, likely saving the series for the Giants against the Cubs.

Bodow's pitching saved him from a earning a loss this week. Adam Wainwright dropped enormous dong power Uribe-style with 12k's, 0ER, and a .44 WHIP. He slang some serious penis with Gio Gonzalez one start, with 1er and 7k's, and at a giant turd in another 3k's and 7er. Yet, Stephen Strasburg and Justin Masterson had quality starts, yielding no earned runs between them and 14k's. Justin Masterson, for those wondering, has been lights out these past few weeks.

I hate to admit that Dan had a great pickup in Paul Maholm (2w/14k/0er/.61whip) but I loved that Mitchell Boggs was a real FistPig with 1 loss and an ERA of 27. Mmmmm that's a tasty tr3at for me to feast on.

Dan, this season has not started like last year. You gonna make dem playoffs, son?

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Fantasy hubris shall be thrown upon us all for another week as the Hatton Hubris water balloons have been hurled upon yet another hapless victim. Poor Ben, first he sucks, then he has to face Charzar? The burns will be endless the next time we all hop, skip, and run naked :)

For the second week in a row, Charlie pooped in a bag and made Ben wear it as a hat on offense. For what he lacks in steals (wow, you won with TWO?), he certainly more than impresses in homers, ribbies, and the percentage stats.

Charlie's most outstanding offensive bats were clearly Michael Young (3/1/4/.381/1076), Manny Machado (3/1/4/.320/826), and Brandon Phillips (4/3/9/.318/1106). On another interesting sidenote, in an effort to improve his steals Charlie was hounding me for Jose Reyes. I wish upon wishes I had done that now (eats knuckles and curses Allah).

Ben. Look at your offense. It's fucking terrible. Seriously. Like, you're already in WIN NOW OR BLOW IT UP mode. I don't think I'd want any of your players on my team, and that includes Stanton. Okay, I'd want Heyward.

Your pitching, Ben, is actually pretty good, dude! You took a majority of categories from Charlie and if you had more than one closer you would have won that stat as well. You miiiiight want to consider making some moves from your position of strenght to supplement your offense but NOT WITH CHARLIE :-*

Ben had MadBum (2w/11k/2.92/1.46) and Lance Lynn (1w/10k/1.50/0.83) dealing last week. The rest of your staff was legit with only one Ian Kennedy major blow up to set you back a little bit. Your pitching is your strength but you need to add to it.

Charlie's 18-man pitching staff didn't have enough distance to conquer Ben's more refined and spartan pitching corps. Big Time Timmy Jim/The Freaky Franchise did notch 11k's with his lovely 8.18 ERA. Big ERA's were en vogue this week on the Munzy's with Timmy's, Brett Anderson's 11.12, Tyler "Fucking Hipster" Clippard's 27, Joel Hanrahan's 32.40, and even Roy Halladay's 6. That doesn't help the ballclub. Even still, Charlie escaped with a 1.34 whip and two more strikeouts than Ben, who has four less pitcher than Charlie.

Well, Charlie is at it again. Somebody beat this guy prz?

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Well, Detroit ended up winning the weekend series but at least Joshypoo got to experience the magic that is Pie-Time at the O.Co.

Another super-adorable tie here. Austin eeked by a tight hitting matchup and Josh (I keep typing Zack, force of habit I guess) beat Austin with just better pitching.

Miguel Cabrera was worth the number one overall pick again (I can't believe Austin took Trout, IT'S CALLED RESEARCH [See: Saksen about that]) and he did Miguel's Scotch Club's body good with 7/1/7/1/.333/956. Likewise, I was wrong so far about the other Tiger in Josh's lineup, Torii Hunter, who dropped p33n5 with 7/1/6/.423/1175 slash. Also, Paul Konerko helped greatly.

But where Austin lost in counting stats, his boys squeaked by with the percentage stats. Joe Mauer's 381 average and 1076 OPS were laudable. Josh Hamilton made an appearance with 3/2/6/.318/1047 line for the week. Is it me or is he becoming a total asshole? I used to love that guy back in '08 when he went all nuts at the home run derby. Now, even I kind of want to boo him for the way he acts. Adrian Gonzalez seems to have found his stroke down in Los Angeles again with a 3/2/5/.417/1190 line. Just enough depth in the percentages department and Austin was able to squeak out this tie. I didnt go back and look but I am sure, Austin, there is a player or three whom you left on the bench this week who could have helped you squeak out a win.

Fucking Josh Beckett made an appearance this week (booooooooo!) striking out 9 with an ERA of 1, but took the loss? Tough luck loss. All around, Josh met the innings quota (I still think it's too low) and took the pitching categories 3-2.

Austin had a nice start from Shelby Miller with a win, 8 k's, and no earned runs. And Tom Wilhemsen has been outstanding for the M's this season, getting 3 saves last week without an earned run or a hit.

Well, a tie's a tie, and I'm not gonna suck all your dicks for that. :-* It's better than a loss!

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Ged doesn't like to talk fanta533 ba538a77 yet because his team sucks and he is balls deep in our fantasy hockey playoffs. Well, I don't blame you Mike. With fantasy hockey, the decathlon, my two baseball leagues, this dish, and a little sports gambling on the side, I feel like my entire life revolves around this shit. Wah?

It's true that Ged's team sucked this week on offense. Sub-30 run's and RBI's is usually the mark of a bad week, and you've done that two weeks in a row. Nice! All in all you've won four categories out of a possible 24. Just outstanding. Wise move ditching Soriano, so I know you're paying some attention. And, I see you've ditched Adam Dunn. Couldn't hang with his dingers:K's ratio, huh? Well, it's a real motherfucker. On the bright side, Swisher did some work for you 4/1/3/.400/1217 and Coco had a good week too, albeit he got hurt on Thursday (5/1/2/4/.333/929). Your Posey flower has yet to bloom. When he flowers, you may start getting some wins. I'm dubious of Shane Victorino in your outfield, though. Even folks here on Maui kind of think he sucks now.

But for Matt, Cano would not be denied. Yes, you were lucky to get him with the 8th pick and my o my what a week: 6/3/8/.500/1633. Similarly, the Mike Saksen planter box of trade rapes bloomed another flower as Austin Jackson had an 8/1/5/.429/1000 line. Chris Davis cooled significantly hitting only two bombs this week (he's still on pace for like 40 dingers, right? MMMmmm 40 dingers....). And that dogshit shortstop Danny Espinosa you were trying to trade me got hurt and sucked anyways before that. But your overall offensive depth was easily sufficient to take all the categories except steals from Ged. Better buy Coco a shot, Ged.

Matt, you're a total pussy. Matt started Clay Bucholz and Yu Darvish last wek and that's fucking it.

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This is why I wanted a higher innings pitched requirement to avoid faggotry like this. But yes, you penis gobbler, Clay Bucholz has done quite well so far. I hope he fucking takes a giant cum-filled shit on your matchup soon.
South Park Butters' Bottom Bitch Evidence
Ged had a pretty good start from Sabathia (1w/9k/1.13era/1 WHIP) and some good K's across the board, but most of your pitchers gave up way too many earned runs. Burnett had 8 k's but 4.5era, Vogie had 5 k's but a 6era in a win, and J.A. (pronounced Jay, if you remember from last season) got knocked around in a stream gone wrong. But at least you made it closer by taking those K's from

shut up, bird.

This Week In

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That's been the extent of my ejaculating lately. But read on....there's some decent material this week.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

As most of you know I have been living on Maui for the majority of the past winter months and I am here, currently (suck itttt bitchesss). It's actually kind of hard to meet bitches here without a job. I frequent a few bars and restaurants and I have made a fair amount of friends along the way. One of them is this chick named Kristen, who annoyingly likes to go by her island name or something, "Summer." Whatever, Kunu.

Anyways, Kristen is nice enough, not very pretty, but you'd probably fuck her if you were wasted. We started like talking at the bar when she got off her shift about two months ago. Thank God this chick only works Thursdays otherwise I would never go to this bar anymore. So, once upon a time she invited herself to my house after the bar and I was like yeah, ok, sound good. I still didn't really have any intention of having sex with this chick but I was down for a beer or two after being already drunk. Chick comes over to my house and casually mentions that she has two children. Well, that's not really a surprise because you have to be at least 36. How old are they? Well, one is 15. FIFTEEN?!?!?!? FUCKING TEENAGER? That was when I decided I was definitely not having sex with this chick. Chick lives on the other side of the island so she asked if she could sleep at my place. Yeah, no problem, here's a blanket there's an extra bedroom over there. Five minutes later, "hey, can we snuggle?" "Fine." Nothing happened, praise be. Turns out, though, that she had work across the street in the morning. Hm. Interesting.

Flash forward to when I returned to the island three weeks ago. I saw Kristen a few times but had flaked on her because I knew she wanted to hang out and I was starting to suspect that she was a bit of a clinger. She had told me once how much she really liked me man, and my response was cool, thank you, we're never going to happen.

This past Thursday, I had mentioned in her presence that I had purchased some Mickey's fortys for drinking over the weekend. At the end of the night she said, hey wanna drink a forty real quick and catch up? Hmm........okay. I hate drunken Pete. He's a real motherfucker and fucks shit up for sober Pete.

We go to my house and we start drinking the forty water. It's at this point when she started talking about her DEAD EX-HUSBAND. Oh man. She starts talking about this and I was listening but my mind started wandering.....

"Hmm....this chick has a dead ex-husband...a fifteen year-old's a Thursday night, why isn't she at home?....Wait, isn't she going to Spain for 2 months alone starting in June?.....Dude, what kind of mother is this woman??? What the hell is going on here..." Yeah, I was definitely not having sex with this chick.

We polished the forty and I declared that it was bed time. She asked me if it would be alright if she slept in my bed. Not wanting to be a complete asshole, and maybe keeping the door open for myself if the alcohol should overpower my mind, I said okay.

"Thanks for letting me sleep in the know, I work at the Spa at the Kea you want a quick backrub."

"hahah, okay sure."

"sweet, roll over..."

(she then starts rubbing my back....shoulders......middle her way down........oooh she's really going for it, the butt, nice.............umm......careful......WOW okay she just rubbed my asshole.......whoooaa she's going for the balls ahahah no wayyyyyy........haha! reverse cowboy double reverse handjob, very interesting....) and that's when she said....

"Put it in my ass."

"What the fuck did you just say?"


"I'm pretty sure you just said 'put it in my ass.' I don't know, I'm pretty drunk, but I'm pretty sure that's what you said."


"Yeah, dude, not happening. I told you I wasn't really interested in having sex with you in general, I'm def not starting there."

She then proceeded to roll off me. I turned over and passed out. I woke up at 10am with her leaving. Havent seen or spoken to her since, except the obligatory, "thank for letting me stay here last night."

After conferring with my friends here, I don't think this woman spends a night at her own home WHERE HER KIDS LIVE. I think she goes from dudes house to dudes house each night, talking their ears off and sleeping in their beds. Ugh, of all the chicks I'm really glad I never did anything with, this chick is climbing the charts. Also, she just lost her job because of her trip to Spain this summer. Nice work, ace.

Pipin' Hawt Predixxxxx

  1. Me v. Ged: Me (9-3) Because Ged Sucks and I shall have a two-sport win over Ged this week.
  2. Charlie v. Brian: Brian (7-5) Because Brian is due for a win and Charlie can't stay this hawt for this long so early in the year.
  3. Saksen v. Matt: Saksen (8-4) Because Saksen has lifelong slapbet dominance over Matt and because Matt is locked in fantasy hockey playoffs. I'm betting Matt will do a better job beating himself than Saksen.
  4. Dan v. Pat: Pat (8-4) Because the FistPigs are struggling and Jumbaco! is playing well. Also, fuck Dan :-*
  5. Josh v. Bodow: Bodow (7-5) Because Bodow has a better team and a way cuter tush.
  6. Austin v. Ben: TIE! These two noodles will go limp when they start making out halfway through the week. God that's fucking hot.

later boners