Top 10 Qualities in a Marriage
10 qualities for a long lasting marriage
Top 3 Qualities for a marriage to last
It can't be stated often enough.If you don't have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble.
In order to have a successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication.You have to try to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire.The last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.
For example, the last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.Actually the last thing she probably wants to hear is, "Yes dear, you do need to slim down a little!"
Nor does she want just a sympathetic ear (just when a man thinks he's mastered the art of good listening).What she really wants is for her husband to say, "You look terrific!" "You look thin!" "You look so young!"
Having said that it is important to look at what Virginia Satir calls the "metacommunication." This is the underlying message, the motivation behind the communication. We all need to be amateur psychologists and try to figure out what our partner really wants. For example, when Susan tells her husband that she isn't feeling well, that may be her way of saying "could you drive the children to ice skating lessons today dear?" or it may be her way of expressing a need for more attention from her spouse. As I'm about to illustrate we can't all be mind readers, but it is important to try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.
It is important to hear what your spouse is really saying, but it is also important for the other side to give clues.
We shouldn't expect our mates to intuit our needs nor rely on some level of divine inspiration. If there's a special necklace you want for your birthday, point it out to your husband.It will save him the agony of choosing and spare you both needless pain.It works both ways -- maybe he doesn't want socks this year.
TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANT
Joe is the romantic type.Every week after he got engaged he brought his fiancee flowers.He even sent her flowers every day of the week before their wedding.
He continued this practice a number of years into their marriage.
Finally Emily, his wife, ever the unsentimental and practical one, spoke up."You know Joe, I really love you and I like that you want to bring me flowers.But I actually don't like flowers that much.And besides, they die so soon after that I feel like we've wasted our money.I'd rather you saved up for a more lasting gift."If we want something, we need to say it.
Luckily this is a very trivial example.But being able to express yourself in the small areas will lead to open discussion in the big areas as well.If we want something, we need to say it.
It sounds so obvious, but how many hurt and angry couples come in for counseling saying "he should have known..." or "she should have realized..."?How should he have known? How should she have realized?Did you tell him/her?
DON'T RELY ON INTUITION
I have a friend who never makes grocery lists.She goes to the supermarket and relies on her intuition.This led to, at one point, 12 jars of mustard in her refrigerator.
This approach to life has relatively little impact on her, other than maybe leading to excessive consumption of hot dogs, but in marriage it could be disastrous.This approach could be disastrous in a marriage.
Don't rely on your intuition. Ask. Don't rely on his/her intuition.Tell.
"You knew I wasn't feeling well.Why didn't you offer to make dinner? "This and many similar dialogues often lead to tension around the home.Yet the solution is so simple. "I'm really not feeling well dear. Would you mind making dinner?"
It is a common assumption that prophetic power is proof of your spouse's undying love and devotion.Let's destroy that myth right now.Tell your spouse what you want.His or her thoughtful response to your explicitly expressed needs is a sign of commitment.
While we're on the topic, don't ask for signs or proofs.It will get you in trouble. Everyone expresses their caring and develops their love in differing ways and at varying rates. A confrontation over "do you love me?" will be just that -- a confrontation. Express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind.
Perhaps the most essential quality for good communication in any relationship, and particularly in a marriage, is to be a good listener.
Take a minute to ask yourself if you listen attentively when your partner speaks.Or is your mind on tonight's dinner, tomorrow's business meeting, Bloomingdale's sale ... Do you comprehend clearly what you mate is saying?
LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER
Sometimes when my husband and I are quarreling, he'll stop me in the middle to say: "What am I saying, and what are you saying, and what's the difference? "It's infuriating but effective.
Frequently I find that I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk or the passion of the moment that I haven't really been listening.I'm amazed to discover that our positions aren't that far apart, in fact they're not apart at all.I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk that I haven't really been listening.
If this is a difficult issue for you it sometimes helps to establish structure.You could set aside a time where you are required to listen to your mate without interrupting for 10 minutes.Don't plan your defense or rebuttal.Just listen. You'll be surprised at how much you'll learn and when it's your turn you'll realize a unique pleasure in being able to express yourself freely.
Another technique psychologists favor is called active listening.There are many variations on this theme but the basic style is mirroring back what your partner says."I hear you saying..."
Keep doing it until you get it right. Maybe many of your misunderstandings are because your heard your partner wrong the first time, or you didn't hear your partner at all.
We have numerous distractions in our lives today -- telephones, televisions, and now the Internet.If we want to be listened to with concentration, we must provide the same.Hang up the phone when your spouse walks in the door.Turn off the TV.Escape from the Web.Otherwise your mate feels like second best, and when you have something to say it will also fall on deaf ears.
We have to remember that marriage creates a unity, a oneness.We can use our powers of communication to solidify that unity or, God forbid, to tear it asunder.
As the Chazon Ish, a great Jewish scholar, wrote "Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one ... and not an independent limb."If we accept this attitude we will recognize that spending time and energy to improve communication is the way to achieve a true marital bond.
When dishonesty is exposed, your spouse feels betrayed.
- How to Build Honesty in Teens
- What Honesty Means to Kids
- The Effects of Clandestine Relationships on Marriage
- How to Teach Honesty to Preschoolers
- Activities to Teach Adolescents About Honesty
- Why Is Communication Important in Marriage?
Dishonesty destroys trust and love in a marriage and prevents spouses from understanding one another, according to marriage and family expert, Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., author of “His Needs, Her Needs.” Even little white lies told to protect your spouse’s feelings hide your true feelings and prevent you and your spouse from addressing issues in your marriage or adapting behaviors to resolve conflict.
"I suggest you read this..." 7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.www.marriagemax.com/Free-Help
Conflict Never Admitted Can’t Be Resolved
Lying about your feelings or thoughts to prevent a conflict is counterproductive to a good marriage, according to Harley’s article, “The Policy of Radical Honesty.” If your spouse doesn’t know that a specific behavior gets on your last nerve until you blow up or announce you’re filing for divorce over it, he can rightly claim, “But I didn’t know!” Instead, be tactfully and respectfully honest so the issue can be resolved. Start with a statement that focuses on how the issue makes you feel, rather than making an accusation. For example, “When I find your wet towel dropped on the floor, I feel like I’m living in a gym locker room.” You can follow with a request that he hang the towel up or place it in the hamper.
Dishonesty Is More Than Lies
Lying is only one type of dishonesty in a marriage, notes marriage counselor Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D., in his article, “Honesty in Marriage: How to Get Back to the Truth.” To be totally honest with your spouse, don’t sidestep or distract her from an issue to avoid discussing it. Don’t omit information she needs to draw the correct conclusion or focus on an insignificant fact to avoid a truth you don't want to admit. Avoid answering in anger to shut her down or giving her the silent treatment instead of an answer. These strategies are dishonest and harmful to your relationship even when you do it to avoid an argument or protect her feelings, agrees Harley in “His Needs, Her Needs," because they erode trust and prevent issues from being resolved while they are still small enough to handle.
Honesty as a Basic Emotional Need
For many women, a husband’s honesty is a necessary emotional need, according to Harley’s book. Openness and honesty provide a sense of security that allows her to bond with you. When asked, be forthcoming with your true feelings and thoughts, likes and dislikes and your habits. Willingly discuss your personal history, daily activities and future plans and goals so she understands you better. If you don’t like something she says or does, discuss it calmly and respectfully to resolve the situation. Being open with each other helps you to draw closer to each other and build the trust that is necessary to keep your relationship strong and growing.
When You Can’t Discuss It
Some issues are too volatile to discuss without creating recurring conflict, admits journalist Jeannie Ralston in a Parenting.com article. If you know something will create a major fight, it can be helpful to discuss the situation in the presence of a marriage therapist. If you don’t feel a therapist is necessary, discuss such issues in a public place where you are more likely to work to control your responses. Avoid name-calling, disrespectful comments and bringing up ancient history. Once the situation is in the open, you can work on a solution. Dishonesty just allows the issue to fester, which can drive you apart and breaks down the trust that solid marriages are built upon.
2 Reasons for Marriage in the Church
1. Uniting of husband and wife
- communication and honesty unites you with your spouse because you are constantly discussing your thoughts and emotions with your husband/wife.
2. Procreating children
- procreating children relates to fruitfulness because in the church it is our duty to have children and further our relationship in the community.
The Importance of Marriage Preparation
Marriage preparation is very important. some couples may rush marriage and not know exactly what there spouse wants, in till its to late. during the preparation you talk with counselors, and your spouse about what you would like in your marriage. You could get This is a great way to find out what your spouse really wants in the marriage. During the Pre Cana the couple can go on retreats and have a "sponsor couple"