Puns

For those not punny enough

Holiday Puns

Easter puns

  • Some bunny misses you
  • Egg-actly
  • You're very bunny
  • I hop you enjoy your Easter
  • Have some fast food – it’s Good Fry Day!
  • Which April holiday is popular with chemists? Ether
  • What do you call a pervert in an easter candy factory? A Peep-ing Tom
  • Why is easter the best holiday? Because it is Eggcellant and quite eggstraordinary


St. Patty's day Puns

  • Irish you a happy St. Patrick day
  • I invested in potatoes, because someone said I’d be Dublin my fortune. So Irished everything I had.
  • Today, people are drinking enough liquid to turn the O’sheas green.
  • What do hamburgers celebrate on the 17th of March? St. Paddies Day


Valentines Day Puns

  • All the best Valentine’s gifts are made of wooed.
  • It was two heart to get you a present.
  • And you thought I never card about you.
  • I baked you something special. Cuz all you knead is loaf.
  • Let’s have a hearty dinner


  • Christmas Puns
    • Today is the best day of the year to lose weight, because it’s X-mass!
    • Don’t make me box your ears.
    • Sorry, that’s a wrap!
    • Look who’s stocking now.
    • Don’t act Wise Man with me. (Hey, Jesus only got three.)
    • Do I detect a note of Presentment?
    • What should you give a ghost for Christmas? Presence.

    • What do bad Eskimos get in their stockings for Xmas? A lump of cold.

    • What do you call a December 25 fog? A Christ-mist


    Halloween Puns

    • Obsessed with Halloween? You may have a ghoul-oriented personality. Don’t worry, it just ghost to show you: Witch ever path you choose, zombie-body will disagree. maybe even your mummy.
    • On Halloween we will not pun. Instead we make candied observations.
    • I went to a comedy show on Hallowe’en. It was a real boohaha!
    • What do you call a house that is being shot at? A Hunted house
    • What do coyotes put out for halloween? A Jackel-lantern

    Jokes

    • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
    • I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
    • I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
    • I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
    • Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
    • The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
    • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
    • I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.
    • Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    • No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
    • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
    • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
    • When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
    • My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
    • There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
    • There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
    • Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
    • A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
    • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    • I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!
    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
    • I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
    • Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
    • I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
    • I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
    • Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
    • If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.
    • When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
    • The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    • Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.
    • The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
    • Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
    • What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
    • Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
    • My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
    • I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
    • When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
    • John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.
    • Mummies are bound to be uptight.
    • Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
    • Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
    • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
    • Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips.
    • It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
    • I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
    • If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable?
    • I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.
    • I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
    • It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
    • I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet.
    • The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
    • He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.
    • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    • Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.