Week 4 Di$h
SUCK A DI$H SON
If that video doesn’t turn you on in a major way, you can get right the fuck out of Late Night. So. Hawt. I couldn’t figure out which YouPorn category I could find similar videos, but yamo keep looking.
Several of us could relate to the poor worm in this video. Poor little guy just hanging out doing worm things when someone starts gently and curiously caressing him. Things are looking up until BAM you’re leech pewp.
If I had one word to describe this week, it would be unjust. Couple top 5 scores lost, and the vagernaut keeps on trucking despite only putting up 132. And wouldn’t you know it, who’s there on the top of the leaderboard? All-time worst Ugh McMenaborshface. Behind that it’s more bad news – he’s followed by two other social climbers. Luckily these are the wins of summer, and winter is cumming all over their faces. In the game of ffb, you work the waiver or you die.
Poor Jon Tu gets ddumpedd. With 2 ds because he gets a double dose of this unjust ass-blasting. Despite the preseason commish predixx, FYRB is the clubhouse leader in points for, yet is also leading in points against, and sits at only 2-2. On Monday he had to sit idly by and watch Chuckie make the last minute switch from Brady to Smith for the. Turns out trading for child abusers has fantasy god repercussions. Be better.
I’m officially never trading Martellus Bennett. On top of referring to himself as a black unicorn, this week he said “There’s two places where inches matter, one of them is on the football field.” AMAZING. You can tell he’s a proud Catfish because he’s using a classic End3r line AND talking about his penis. Party on Marty.
RELEGATION WATCH 2K14
Despite sneaking to 2-2, both the Jewfish are dragging ass in points for, and have average points against. Charlie knows he’s in trouble still too.
With 1-3 records, JC, Red and DB need to start getting some wins to avoid serious relegation risk. This week’s battles of the basement should separate the middle class from the frenzied panic button mashers. The losers may engage beta protocol and start selling big pieces or pixxx. Which would be nice because…
YOU'RE ALL PUSSIES
http://www.fitsnews.com/2014/09/30/wants-vagina-cookie/
I’m officially awarding myself the Trading Best crown, because I’m apparently the only one with stones in this entire fucking outfit. Speaking of which, if you’re in the market for a rb….call miii ;-Þ
THIS WEEK IN TIER II
They weren’t as good finally! We may have to put up with the k4t again as he climbed to 4-0. Seksi Cellar-Dwellers put up a season high 187 to climb out of last. Ged still doesn’t have a win le sigh.
Tier I avg: 143.3
Tier II avg: 140.6 BEAT IT YOU FUCKING NERDZZZZ
FACES IN THE CROWD
DIRK DIGGLER: Eli Fucking Manning with 33…WAHT. My computer melted when I tried to start this section with an eli derp face. Ties Philly D’s 33.
WILD CARD: Brandon LaFell put up 17, good for him.
ANTI-NIRVANA: Clear winner this week as Joey sat Walker’s 14 for VDavis’ 0, thus allowing the Vagernaut to narrowly escape a second straight loss.
PERFECTION: 337…Huge week despite the byes. Challah.
QB: Eli 33 and vagina buddy Luck with 31
WR: Perfection regular and JC fave and super cutie A.Brown 25, SSSr. 25, Cobb 24, Jordy/Royal 22
RB: JChar 28, Asiata 27, Murray 26
TE: Donnell sauce 23
Flex: Gore/Jordy/Royal 22
K: Walsh 18
DSt: Phi 33
TRADING BEST: Jerrud Catfish DUUUUH
TO THE MATCHUPS...
Ugh’s Red Dump 144-127: This time it’s not after late night JBox. Dan swept the QB-WR-RB major categories handily, this one was close thanks to Eddie Royal and SD’s D. We have our first 2 tight set of the season, shockingly for a win. Dan had steady production throughout the lineup, with his Saints being the only duds. Greg had dickslang from Jordy and Royal…and not much else. Strangely neither team registered a rushing TD.
HD GHOST-RECAP: Seriously, fuck Spencer. This shit is coming so easily to him it's a hilarious joke that all of us are getting raped by a guy who I am 100% certain doesn't even watch the games. Start Mike Glennon? Of course he gets 19 points! Trade for old ass Steve Smith? 25 points! Frank Gore hasn't done shit all season? 19 points. The LOL's go all the way down Spencer's roster just like his cock went down Mike's throat last week. Mike finally got what he drafted from Stafford and hit the jackpot with Teddy Bridgewater from the waiver wire. Mike had a very good week all around but it was not even close compared to Spencer's arson-filled roster. Spencer stands atop the league with Dan and Jess, while Mike kicks empty soda cans around in a parking lot wondering what he's gonna do if he gets relegated from his own league while he wife giggles around the house in the playoffs. Fantasy Football, cruel mistress she is. Pass the scotch.
Walls Work Bongos 132-123: When your opponent has 64p from qbs YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME. The rest of the Vagernauts (save Reggie) had a disappointing day and limped to 132. 1p from Mega?! That’s uncouth. Bongos finally got JChar back on track and a good day from qbs, unfortunately everyone else shit the bed. When you throw a couple 0s up there and a -3, it’s nearly impossible to win. Lowest matchup DSt total in the history of Late Night.
Kickers Best, Chuckie 158-149: This week’s shootout came down to Monday night when a savvy move by Charlie faded Kelce’s munz for the win. Pretty solid production across the board from Bush, with stacked RB stats…not as good as TDS, but good. A crazy day for Asiata and Richardson scoring locked this one up. Lacy gets back on track thanks to a goalline score, but disappointing days for Edelmunz and Crabtree. Sweet Robinson sleeper Jon. Retard.
Jiz Catches Rolling Quarter 152-121: Pete takes low score of the week (shocking no one). Pete starts an Oakland back unlikely to do anything (shocking no one). I’m starting to realize the top teams rely on balanced scoring while the bottom-feeders are boom-bust. Ditka and Jiz had 6 players score 6 or fewer points each, and HD had two 0s. Pete got passed the Donnell sauce and had good flex-K-D scores, while Jiz benefitted from Cobb-Rodgers dubble dippin and DeMarco dropping DePenis on who dat nation. Keenan Allen finally awoke form his coma, just in time to be inconsequential for HD. Aside from Cobb and Murray, both teams starting wr-rb averaged 5.2p, had 0 tds and lost 2 fumbles. Not fun to watch.
ALTERNATE SCORING
"Spillman probed in sex assault"....luckyyyyy
Seriously though Yahoo?!
VH 5, FYRB 5, Ugh 5, Jiz 5, FL 5
HD 4, JC 4
TDS 3 DB 3
RHB 2
Pozishunzzz
QB
1) VH 187 2) FL 167 3) FYRB 149 4) Red 143 5) HD 135 6) Jiz 132 7) Ugh 131 DB 131 9) TDS 119 10) JC 108
WR
1) FL 173 2) FYRB 155 3) Ugh 154 4) JC 150 5) Red 146 6) VH 127 HD 127 8) TDS 115 9) DB 113 10) Jiz 124
RB
1) Ugh 144 2) FYRB 140 3) JC 131 4) Jiz 121 5) FL 114 6) VH 110 7) TDS 99 8) Red 94 9) DB 82 10) HD 68
TE
1) JC 52 2) Jiz 50 3) TDS 48 4) VH 36 5) Ugh 32 6) FYRB 29 7) HD 28 8) DB 24 9) Red 15 10) FL 7
BLACK UNICORN BEST
PREDIXXXXXX
Lynches D: Bad QB matchups all around, but one of those QBs is Peyton, so advantage Spencer. Extra tasty WR matchups, easily 40p a side from receivers. Ugh has a wide lead in RB potential, and that’s gonna be the deciding factor as FL's worm can't avoid being crushed by Ugh's powerful sucking.r. Fearless prediction: JJ Watt eats Romo’s soul. Ugh 155-134
Dynasty Hubris (Oren needs some): Is the Jiz gonna keep starting Cam over Flacco? Even with ARodg finally being ARodg, the Vag win QBs with Manning in shootout potential against Atl. I like Denver WRs after a bye at home and Andre against Dallas. Murray tops 100 again, and leads all the RBS in this one. Fearless prediction: Khiry is only Vag RB in double digits. Jiz 136-125
Hurricane Reggie: Tasty QB matchups, too bad one of them is FitzBeardFace. Surrender your philly dubble dipz. Floyd makes me very turgid this week, kinda like Marshawn always does. Martin pewps his trousers this week (again), but Ditka’s RBs are soupy dog pewpz. I like Hill to get better this week, but not RB2 better. More like Brendan LOLiver HAHAHAAHAHAHA I slay me. Hester’s 10p projection seems totes legit. Fearless prediction: Pete’s WR go for 50. Ditka in a tickle fight 128-119
HD GHOST-PREDIK: Squaring off in a battle of the derps, Ender faces Charlie in what's sure to be a boring affair. Fearless prediction has Antonio Brown outscoring all of Charlie's WRs, while Saksen is forced to play Drew Stanton at QB. Second fearless predixxx: Charlie's defense outscores all of Ender's QB's combined. Charlie takes this one, 145-120. 1-4 for the Catfish is not a good place to be.
;( I actually agree
Drunken Burst: The story here is all the red letters on Joey’s dewdz. At least 2 of these guys are gonna not play or be playing hurt and ineffective. Jordy and McCoy all day, I don’t know about running Royal back out there. So many players here involved in Jax games, do not want. I like the flier on McKinnon, he’ll score somewhere between 0 and 25 points. Who knows? We do know Gerhart ain’t about shit. Fearless prediction: Blount outscores at least 3 starting RBs in this one. Red 133-109