Baseball Bonerland Post-Draft Dish

Shut the fuck up and come down on this Yoenis, pt 1

what the fuck is up you dirty harrys??!?!?

Fellow Managers of Baseball Bonerland,


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHASSSSUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP????????!!????!?!!!!


Before we get started, clearly, I am trying something new. Let me know if this shit works for you, if you can see it or not, and if it makes you as fucking horny as it does me. It's so much easier. It's made more for use on your actual computer than on your phone but it works on your phone. I wanted something that made it easier to include links, pictures (obvi naked pics), tweets, and the like in a more visually appealing format than just including them at the tail of an email. Let's give this a try and let me know if it's super ghey.


As usual, the first dish is a monster to write so I am breaking it up into several pieces this year. Here's part one.


I'd like to congratulate all of us for making it to the draft, even if Austin only made it by proxy. Seriously though, that's a big accomplishment for Austin this year after he completely fumbled the post-season by booze-snoozing his afternoon through the most important sunday of his fantasy baseball life completely handing Charlie a dub. Fuckin' A A-Hsueh, you must avenge yourself this season.


I'd also like to congratulate both Josh and Ben for completing their first Bonerland draft and not completely making morons of themselves. I have noticed however that Charlie's influence is growing here in this league and this is an issue that we ALL need to be aware of. Josh, I know that you like to party, I know you like to double down on televisions, and I am a huge fan of Matt's late night activities on your couch. As such, you shall be immune for a paragraph or so.


FUCK YOU MEL KIPER, this is my draft review you pussy

Now, THAT was a weird first round

Here is ESPN's projected first round:


ROUND 1

PickOverallPlayerPositionsBy

1Miguel Cabrera, Det3BTeam Cockcroft

2Ryan Braun, MilOFTeam Berry

3Mike Trout, LAAOFTeam Hunter

4Andrew McCutchen, PitOFTeam Carpenter

5Robinson Cano, NYY2BTeam Karabell

6Matt Kemp, LADOFTeam Lipscomb

7Carlos Gonzalez, ColOFTeam Cwalinski

8Joey Votto, Cin1BTeam Becquey

9Albert Pujols, LAA1BTeam Quintong

10Prince Fielder, Det1BTeam Zola

11Troy Tulowitzki, ColSSTeam Roberts

12Justin Verlander, DetSPTeam Gramling



Now, here is ours:



1.Mike Trout(LAA - LF,CF)Cobra Kai Dojo

2.Miguel Cabrera(Det - 3B)Miguel's sco...

3.Andrew McCutchen(Pit - CF)Pterodactyl ...

4.Ryan Braun(Mil - LF)Melk wasa ba...

5.Prince Fielder(Det - 1B)Pauly D's St...

6.Matt Kemp(LAD - CF)LILPEEN

7.Troy Tulowitzki(Col - SS)Bungfield

8.Robinson Cano(NYY - 2B)The Cats Meow

9.Joey Votto(Cin - 1B)MunzyBall

10.Giancarlo Stanton(Mia - RF)Field of Wet...

11.Carlos Gonzalez(Col - LF)WhereFistPig...

12.Albert Pujols(LAA - 1B)


WHY DID I TAKE PRINCE AT #5???? Ged took McCutchen at #3?? Cano fell to brown at 8? Tulo at 7? It was very clear that we had some people in mind whom we wanted in the first round and we werent afraid to draft outside of our Yahoo or ESPN slotted picks. Ged, however, I know you drafted mccutchen because he is like the city of Davis, just a deliciously cozy warm blanket of familiarity.


All in all, I thought it was a really interesting draft. I cannot believe Saksen got Cliff Lee for the second year in a row. Unfortunately for you, dude, Bryan LaHair is playing in Japan this year but I swear we can find somebody just as shitty for you to trade straight up for. Totes.


Let's take a look at what you assholes did to yourselves in this draft.


PICK NUMBER ONE

Cobra Kai Dojo: Sweeping Their Own Legs

1.(1)Mike Trout(LAA - LF,CF)2.(24)Josh Hamilton(LAA - LF,CF)3.(25)Felix Hernandez(Sea - SP)4.(48)Adrian Gonzalez(LAD - 1B,RF)5.(49)Joe Mauer(Min - C,1B)6.(72)Brett Lawrie(Tor - 3B)7.(73)Kris Medlen(Atl - SP,RP)8.(96)Jose Altuve(Hou - 2B)9.(97)Carlos Beltran(StL - CF,RF)10.(120)David Freese(StL - 3B)11.(121)Wilin Rosario(Col - C)12.(144)Dan Haren(Was - SP)13.(145)Tom Wilhelmsen(Sea - RP)14.(168)Alcides Escobar(KC - SS)15.(169)Jeremy Hellickson(TB - SP)16.(192)Pedro Alvarez(Pit - 3B)17.(193)Kenley Jansen(LAD - RP)18.(216)Kyle Lohse(Mil - SP)19.(217)Domonic Brown(Phi - LF,RF)20.(240)Howie Kendrick(LAA - 2B)21.(241)Jose Veras

Who needs pitchers anyways?

Austin your offense looks good. Hamilton is an injury risk but his productivity shouldn't be affected by staying within the AL West and, if anything, more games against the lowly Astros should help both your #1 and #2 picks put up some improved or similar numbers. I am concerned about Mr Chicken Wing's weight gain. I saw him try to steal some bags in spring training and he looked visibly slower. I mean, I saw him get gunned down by a catcher from Single-A. Also, given his past performance's unsustainable pace there is no way he matches his numbers from last year. The question really is where does he improve his numbers, where does he decline, and how is he affected by having a year of service under his belt as well as by having Josh Hamilton in the lineup.


Thoughts on the rest of your lineup: You really took Mauer too early. Why did you also draft Rosario? Who the fuck is Domonic Brown? Have you never heard my A-Gon rant? He will drive you nuts with his lack of power and inconsistency at the plate.


Kenley Jansen should garner more saves than he did last year, assuming all the usual questions about the Dodgers. Likewise, Tom Wilhemsen should have better numbers this year being the full-fledged closer and the M's being more competitive. Like Pat below, you have a lot of starting pitchers on your roster, far more than you might need. What the fuck are you going to do with SIX starting pitchers? Maybe make a deal? Hollllerrrattchhhhha BOOIIIIIIIII.


Players to watch: Carlos Beltran, Josh Hamilton

If Beltran takes a step down you are going to find yourself lacking the power of other teams and you might struggle to compete, particularly when Hamilton goes through one of his prolonged skoal bandit or redbull induced slumps. If Hamilton stays healthy and slump-free your team is going to super smash the fuck out of people. Bodow did that last year for a few weeks. It was not pretty what happened after that.


I saw a pitcher on your roster named Shelby Miller?

Sweep The Leg

Pick Number Two

Miguel's Scotch Club: Who the fuck is Josh and who are these panfaces on his roster?


Miguel's scotch club

1.(2)Miguel Cabrera(Det - 3B)

2.(23)David Price(TB - SP)

3.(26)Ian Kinsler(Tex - 2B)

4.(47)Craig Kimbrel(Atl - RP)

5.(50)B.J. Upton(Atl - CF)

6.(71)Johnny Cueto(Cin - SP)

7.(74)Jimmy Rollins(Phi - SS)

8.(95)Jason Motte(StL - RP)

9.(98)Paul Konerko(CWS - 1B)

10.(119)Melky Cabrera(Tor - LF,RF)

11.(122)Mike Napoli(Bos - C,1B)

12.(143)Doug Fister(Det - SP)

13.(146)Ichiro Suzuki(NYY - LF,CF,RF)

14.(167)Mark Teixeira(NYY - 1B)

15.(170)Jarrod Parker(Oak - SP)

16.(191)Josh Beckett(LAD - SP)

17.(194)Emilio Bonifacio(Tor - 2B,CF)

18.(215)Tim Hudson(Atl - SP)

19.(218)Torii Hunter(Det - RF)

20.(239)Alexei Ramirez(CWS - SS)

21.(242)Justin Smoak

Hey Josh, welcome to the league. Did you by any chance go back to last years championship game and try your best to emulate the second place roster? Listen, if you want to beat the beat with me we can just fucking get naked, pound corona lights until we're dizzy, and penguin feed eachother late night grilled cheeses. Seriously though, holdovers from my roster last year now on yours: Price, Kinsler, J-Roll, Beckett, Parker, Hudson. Do people in Denver use the term "mark-ass trick," or "trick-ass mark," because if not then you are certainly a scallywag.


Josh has some decent talent on his roster. Obviously, you scored Miggy who is worth his weight in fantasy gold. From there you've got three guys with 100+runs scored, 8 guys with 19 home runs or more, six guys with 20 or more stolen bags, 4 guys hitting at or near .300, and six guys with an ops over 800. I really don't think Torii Hunter repeats btw. Clearly you value speedsters on your roster and were looking for overall offensive depth with picks like Melky and Bonerfacio. It's like you mind-melded my roster with Bungfields from last year.


You have a pretty nice pitching staff as well. Price is no punk bitch, Hudson is good for wins and whip, Beckett is a dogshit abortion (no way he's on your roster past June), and I'm very curious what Jarrod Parker brings to the table again this season.


People to watch: Kinsler, Rollins, Parker

Two old fantasy stars are slowing down in a big way. Last year they both took major steps backward in value. Ian Kinsler is fending off trade rumors and Jurickson Profar for his job in Texas, while J Roll just got paiiiiiiddddd. You ahve to be a little curious which J Roll is going to show up this year. Is he going to keep swinging for the fences like Willie Mays Hayes or is he going to put the ball on the ground and make them get down (batter uppp)? As for Parker, what is the rookie going to bring to the table? The AL West is watching. Very curious.


Might the n008 be another competitor to the throne? His roster is impressive. Note, however, he did not go fishing for s0093r s73393r5. Either way, DENVER SUCKS ASS.

Denver sucks ass

Pick Number Three: Are you looking for a man to poop while you shower in the same bathroom? Look no further.

Pterodactyl Ptweenis: coming up in dat rap gayme

Pterodactyl Ptweenis

1.(3)Andrew McCutchen(Pit - CF)

2.(22)Buster Posey(SF - C,1B)

3.(27)David Wright(NYM - 3B)

4.(46)CC Sabathia(NYY - SP)

5.(51)Aroldis Chapman(Cin - RP)

6.(70)Carlos Santana(Cle - C,1B)

7.(75)Jason Kipnis(Cle - 2B)

8.(94)Asdrubal Cabrera(Cle - SS)

9.(99)Ryan Vogelsong(SF - SP)

10.(118)Shane Victorino(Bos - LF,CF)

11.(123)Sergio Romo(SF - RP)

12.(142)Nick Swisher(Cle - 1B,RF)

13.(147)Eric Hosmer(KC - 1B)

14.(166)A.J. Burnett(Pit - SP)

15.(171)C.J. Wilson(LAA - SP)

16.(190)Adam Dunn(CWS - 1B,LF)

17.(195)Coco Crisp(Oak - LF,CF)

18.(214)Alfonso Soriano(ChC - LF)

19.(219)Erick Aybar(LAA - SS)

20.(238)Cameron Maybin(SD - CF)

21.(243)Juan Pierre



I think Eric Carabell and Matthew Berry would agree that Ged did things uncharacteristically in the early rounds of this draft. Surely, taking Andrew McCutchen in the THREE SPOT and then Buster Posey in the second round were questionable from a fantasy standpoint. They are obviously very talented players but you have to wonder if both of them are going to regress a little bit from last years form. In Posey's case, its clear he will return to earth a little bit as his second-half form last year was just un-fucking-sustainable. Either way, you could build your program around worse players for a year.


Throw David Wright in with the two dudes mentioned above and you've got a team that is going to compete like bastards for the averages category each and every week. Ged has power depth with 6 players having 20 or more bombs and depth speed with 5 players having 20 or more stolen bags. I wish you many lucks dealing with Adam Dunn. Nobody can make your top three hitters totally irrelevant better than Adam Dunn. Can you handle a 3/40 week with 3 runs and 3 bombs?? Can you??


What depth you have in offense you clearly lack in pitching. CC and Chapman are big players but that's basically it. I don't trust Romo to put up big numbers (I owned him last year) in the Giants bullpen. Also, you drafted and released AJ Burnett last year. I don't really trust him either. You're going to lose Saves probably every week, as well as strikeouts and ERA unless you flip these bitchessssss. I find your WHIP sexually arousing, however.


Players to watch: Romo, Wright

I openly question Romo's ability to withstand a season on the bump as a closer. I don't think he does it. Likewise, I dont think David Wright can stay healthy for an entire season and he already has an intercostal injury. How long these two dudes can stay in your lineup will determine your ability to compete for the 'ship.

"Apologize" One Republic Music Video

Pick Number Four

Melkwasabadchoice: The Oracle of Ken's Bike and Ski returns, wants to play more pong

Roster:

Melk wasa bad choice1.(4)Ryan Braun(Mil - LF)2.(21)Dustin Pedroia(Bos - 2B)3.(28)Justin Upton(Atl - RF)4.(45)Jacoby Ellsbury(Bos - CF)5.(52)Jay Bruce(Cin - RF)6.(69)Pablo Sandoval(SF - 3B)7.(76)Ian Desmond(Was - SS)8.(93)James Shields(KC - SP)9.(100)Carlos Gomez(Mil - CF)10.(117)David Ortiz(Bos - 1B)11.(124)Jake Peavy(CWS - SP)12.(141)Huston Street(SD - RP)13.(148)Rafael Betancourt(Col - RP)14.(165)Chris Perez(Cle - RP)15.(172)Grant Balfour(Oak - RP)16.(189)Mike Minor(Atl - SP)17.(196)Alex Cobb(TB - SP)18.(213)Everth Cabrera(SD - 2B,SS)19.(220)Trevor Cahill(Ari - SP)20.(237)Wade Miley(Ari - SP)21.(244)J.P. Arencibia(Tor - C)

I like Ryan Braun a lot, he's a boss, and Pedobear is always a reliable dude (particularly when you're looking for a plumbing sponsor for your local hockey rink!). From there, I have some questions about some dudes on your roster: namely, Fat Panda, Big Papi, Upton the Younger, Grant Balfour, and Grant Balfour.


Pat, I gotta be real with you. I don't like your roster. You're lacking a lot of depth across the board for every offensive category. You have brightspots in each category but there are no secondary producers who can contribute for the win in that category. You're going to struggle unless you change your roster.


Likewise, you've got roster depth in your pen but the players there are of questionable worth and reliability. Alex Cobb, Trevor Cahill, and Wade Miley are all questionable (Miley because the Astros might be the worst team of all time evar evar evar evar). Grant Balfour is my favorite but I question his health as well as his ability to remain the closer for the entire season. I love them A's but I really don't know how they are going to be this season in Oakland. Are you just trying to rack up the strikeouts each week? Didn't you do this last season? Didn't you get smoked in the first round? Some people never learn. Don't worry, I wont make the playoffs so I'll shut the fuck up.


Players to watch: David Ortiz, Pablo Sandoval

Health questions surround both former teammates on the Stixxxxx. Both Papi and Panda are questionable for opening day and neither has demonstrated an ability to remain healthy for the past several seasons. When healthy both players can make the difference between winning and losing for the Melk-men. Also, while Panda flashed his powerstroke during Game One of the world series WHERE THE FUCK WAS THAT THE REST OF THE YEAR YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. In sum, he should have more power but strangely lacks it. I predict Papi is on the DL for 1/3 the season at minimum and Panda is a free agent by early July.