Baseball Bonerland Post-Draft Dish

Shut the fuck up and come down on this yoenis, pt 5

opening day 2013

bob costas is amazing

Bob Costas Quotes Rapper Ludacris

pick number 10

Field of wet dreamz: suspect is armed and h0rn33, proceed with extreme hard-on

Field of Wet Dreamz

1.(10)Giancarlo Stanton(Mia - RF)2.(15)Jose Bautista(Tor - RF)3.(34)Jason Heyward(Atl - RF)4.(39)Madison Bumgarner(SF - SP)5.(58)Zack Greinke(LAD - SP)6.(63)Aramis Ramirez(Mil - 3B)7.(82)Jordan Zimmermann(Was - SP)8.(87)Ike Davis(NYM - 1B)9.(106)Ian Kennedy(Ari - SP)10.(111)Salvador Perez(KC - C)11.(130)Rickie Weeks(Mil - 2B)12.(135)Greg Holland(KC - RP)13.(154)J.J. Hardy(Bal - SS)14.(159)Alejandro De Aza(CWS - LF,CF)15.(178)Dexter Fowler(Col - CF)16.(183)Neil Walker(Pit - 2B)17.(202)Justin Morneau(Min - 1B)18.(207)Jonathon Niese(NYM - SP)19.(226)Jonathan Broxton(Cin - RP)20.(231)Lorenzo Cain(KC - CF,RF)21.(250)Jonathan Lucroy(Mil - C)
Since then: Traded Joey Bats to Charlie in return for Mark Trumbo and Lance Lynn

The first thing that pops off the stat sheet for Ben is that he only has two players on his roster with less than 10 home runs, 8 with 19 or more, and 3 with 30 or more. Built around first round pick Giancarlo (just call yourself Mike again you penis) Stanton, the Wet Dreamz have some pop in their lineup.

Stanton figures to be the most important player for the Wet Dreamz, with his slash line of 75/37/86/.290/969. Stanton may improve with another year of experience, yet we all know that he is now surrounded by AAA dog shit and he may figure to have a career-worst year simply because of a lack of pitches to hit. Yet, FanGraphs disagrees:

(games/at bats/homers/runs/rbi's/sb/blah/blah/blah/blah/average)

I really do NOT see how his numbers get any better with the cast around him. But, what the fuck do I know?

The second most important hitter in the Field Of Wet Dreamz is third baseman Aramis Ramirez. How long has Aramis been around, jesus. Well, he had a beast of a year last season with a slash line of 92/27/105/.300/900. That's impressive for a 34 year-old dude who was originally drafted when I was in 4th grade (1994). Regardless of age, Ramirez figures to contribute so long as he is in the same lineup with Ryan Braun. His numbers may falter early while the Brew Crew miss Corey Hart's giant bat in the lineup.

The third pillar of offensive strength on this team is the recently acquired Mark Trumbo. Trumbo has a very misleading slash line from last season of 66/32/95/.268/808. While all looks nice and good on the slash line, it masks that Trumbo was basically the single worst hitter the second half of last season. He hit .185 over August and September last season with 5hr, 25 rbi, and 67 strikeouts in 179 at-bats. The numbers also mask that he was benched 1/3 of September when the Angels needed him the most. So, I have my questions here. I told Charlie this was a laughable pick during the draft and I was completely unsurprised that he moved Trumbo to Ben.

Ben has some offensive depth to his roster.

A little more than a depth player, Jason Heyward looks to improve on his third year in the show, showing the promise he held when he was a rookie. He rebounded from a sophomore slump last year to post a slash line of 93/27/82/21/.269/814. Heyward may never be the perennial MVP candidate he was foretold to be, but with the Upton Brothers (not Uptown, Dan) around him in the lineup Heyward may have enough depth to increase all his numbers. He probably has one MVP season in him as he gets older and matures both mentally and physically. It's probably not this year because he's just 24 years-old and would join the ranks of Jose Canseco, Don Mattingly, Hank Aaron, Roger Clemens, and Willie Mays as players to win the MVP before their 25th birthday in the modern era. I doubt Heyward is THAT good. And, by the way, Buster Posey is 25.

PS- trivia question, who is the youngest person to win MVP in the modern era? Hint: He played in the Bay Area.

Ike Davis can be relied on to bring power numbers but his dogshit average can really tank a roster's weekly performance. JJ Hardy posted above-average power and 85 runs last season, but like Ike Davis, he swings too hard to get on-base as much as an owner would like. Likewise, Justin Morneau has never really recovered from his injuries after his MVP season in 2007, Lorenzo Cain has never materialized much from his sleeper breakout-player status a year or two ago, and Rickie Weeks' numbers have declined the last three years.

Ben has good enough pitching not to get blown out and he may steal some of the secondary categories from a more talented opponent.

I think Greinke will be a sub-elite pitcher and probably was not worth the 58th pick in the draft. Then again with a likely performance approaching 200k's, 12-15 wins, 1.20 WHIP and 3.4-3.7 ERA it's not such a bad pick. Combine him with MadBum and you've got a respectable 1-2 punch to rely on each week. Johnathan Niese is a groundball pitcher, so he wont get many more strikeouts than his total of 155 last season. He looks to improve his ERA and WHIP but with a shitty defense behind him, that may not happen. Throw in Jordan Zimmerman and you get another guy who will get a lot of groundballs, keep a low ERA and WHIP, and should get a lot of wins on the Nats.

You've only got one closer, Ben, and he had 16 saves last season. Even if he is the chosen one in KC you're going to need to deal for a closer or you're probably going to find yourself playing for your $40 back in the conso bracket.

Ben, I can see you in the post-season but not as a high seed. You should look into acquiring a closer or just say fuck it with the whole thing and getting another 200 strikeout pitcher to boost your stats.

Answer to question above: Vida Blue. He won the MVP when he was 21/22 for the season while a member of the Oakland A's.

HUGE NOTE: My dad purchased a skybox for 1/4 of the season in Oakland. I'll post the dates we have the tickets and, as always, you and a guest are invited.

Super Troopers - Delicious Farva

pick eleven

WhereFistPigsFly: so...uh...what's on the ol' agenda...for the fantasyyyyyy shenanigansss....who all is on your roster?.....Ello? Ello?......well..ummm I guess I'll roll on byyy check it all outttt for a yearrr


1.(11)Carlos González(Col - LF)

2.(14)Bryce Harper(Was - LF,CF,RF)

3.(35)Cole Hamels(Phi - SP)

4.(38)Starlin Castro(ChC - SS)

5.(59)Freddie Freeman(Atl - 1B)

6.(62)Matt Moore(TB - SP)

7.(83)Martín Prado(Ari - 2B,3B,SS,LF)

8.(86)Víctor Martínez(Det - C)

9.(107)Jeff Samardzija(ChC - SP)

10.(110)Fernando Rodney(TB - RP)

11.(131)Josh Johnson(Tor - SP)

12.(134)Norichika Aoki(Mil - LF,CF,RF)

13.(155)Adam LaRoche(Was - 1B)

14.(158)Kyle Seager(Sea - 2B,3B)

15.(179)Homer Bailey(Cin - SP)

16.(182)Brandon League(LAD - RP)

17.(203)Bobby Parnell(NYM - RP)

18.(206)Ryan Doumit(Min - C,LF,RF)

19.(227)Brandon McCarthy(Ari - SP)

20.(230)Jedd Gyorko(SD - 3B)

21.(251)Oscar Taveras(StL - RF)

ugh. This fucking guy. God, I hate writing about Dan. I particularly hate writing about anything positive regarding Dan. FUCK this sucks. I legitimately contemplated screwing over Dan and doing another one of my "yeah, yeah, nothing to see here" tricks. But, that's kind of gh3y. Alas, here I am, writing some fucking horseshit about McMenaUgh.

Welp, here we go.

FUCK YOU BRYCE HARRRPPPERRRRRRR! Actually, it's funny that Dan's roster doesn't look that imposing on paper. Bryce Harper looks like he might be one of those MVP before age 24 types mentioned above. What kind of gene do he and Pujols (and most black dudes in college basketball) have that makes them look 12 years older than they are? This fucking guy looks like he is 29 years old, he looks older than me for christs sake, and he's just fucking 20 years-old!! Well, we all saw his dong show the other afternoon and it looks like there may be a lot of those to follow. The good news is that it gives us a GREAT reason to root against the Nats all season.

Since the draft, Dan has acquired budding superstar and 2010 NL MVP Joey Votto from Charlie for Freddie Freeman and CarGo. It would give me a lot of pleasure to know that Freeman and CarGo have combined for 3 bombs over the past two days EXCEPT for the fact that (1) it's charlie we're talking about and (2) I'm playing against fucking Charlie. Caperz.

Like Brian's team, Dan's team has a lot of players trending upwards. Martin Prado, Kyle Seager, Starlin Castro, and, supposedly, Andre Ethier, are all players on the way up. For more on Andre Ethier please read the most excellent column by Keith Olbermann linked below.

All of Dan's players have multiple tools, and that makes him particularly dangerous. Norichika Aoki, for example, has a slash lines of 81/10/50/30/.288/788. Likewise, Starlin Castro has a slash line of 78/14/78/25/.283/.753. And fucking Harper had similar numbers last season with 98/22/59/18/.270/817. That's three everyday starters, 258 runs/46hr/190runs/73 steals/~.280/~780. That's quality you can win around.

If you wanted to say Dan had two other big boppers around which he has built his squad it would have be to Adam LaRoche and Victor Martinez. Fucking Dan swiped LaRoche from me when he was #1 on my big board. It was strange that Brian released LaRoche last season, he had a very good year, 76/33/100/.271/853, and finished the year playing first base for yours truly. And, I don't know what to expect out of Victor Martinez. His last full season played was 2011 in which he posted 76/12/103/.330/850. That's pretty good and it was, obviously, during the Pre-Prince Fielder days.

Predictably, Dan went sleeper hunting with the last few picks JUST IN CASE and picked up some dudes who may or may not do a damn thing. Jedd Gyorko, you're a Padre, and you're filling in for Chase Headley for a couple fortnights. Cool. Moving on we have Jackie Bradley from Boston making the roster. His spring numbers, while not as impressive as Puig's, were still impressive (.441/2hr/12rbi/2sb). He may play some but, as Yahoo! notes he probably will only stick around until Big Papi returns. I think it's worth considering if Papi is done, btw. He may return from this injury but unless he fucking drops his big one on the plate this may be the move that ends it all.

Moving on down to the McMena-Pen we encounter some talented guys but they are all tainted by the same poison: they are belong to Dan. :(

Led by Cole Hammels' 17 wins, 216k's, 3.05 Era, and 1.12 WHIP, the Fist Pigs have five starting pitchers. Hammels dodged the trade rumors last year and is back for another five years in Philadelphia. We all know he fucking deals.

Backing him up is last years wunderkind Matt Moore who, despite his .500 record, had 175 k's in 177 innings. It's a little concerning that his ERA and WHIP are a little higher than ideal but Moore is too young and unpolished to be considered an elite pitcher. He does throw the ball 98 mph as easily as he takes a piss after 5 beers and that, my friends, makes me SUPER fucking horny. One day this dude is going to develop in to a near-elite pitcher but I don't think it's happening this year.

Further along than Matt Moore is Jeff Samardzija. Remember when this dude was catching passes at Notre Dame? Weird.

2006: ND vs. UCLA - Quinn to Samardzija
Anyways, he throws gas too and has demonstrated a strong knack for getting bitches out (180k's/174innings). His ERA is almost exactly the same but his WHIP is .13 lower than Moore's. I kind of wish I had him on my team but fuck Dan, he's a gigantic consumer of erections.

Josh Johnson is another Florida cast-off who had his best time in 2010 (didn't he have a no-hitter?) and looks to get his act together in Toronto. Funny enough, his ERA is 3.81-- the exact same as Moore and Samardzija. Also featured is Homer Bailey whose cool and all.

Dan has four relief pitchers: Brandon League, Mitchell Boggs, Bobby Parnell, and, my man, Fernando Rodney. Rodney is clearly the stalwart of this corps. Coming off 48 saves, his ERA of 0.60 and WHIP of .78 are superlative. The rest of this band of pussies can go fuck themselves. That includes you, Danimal.

Well, I have to be honest, Dan's roster doesn't impress me a ton. Yet, given his rosterbating and bragging, I am going to assume that it's just because I am a retard and Dan knows more than me. BUT, and that's a big but, I reserve the right to feel satisfied and knowledgeable later on this year when your team kinda sucks and I will come back to read this and just feel soooooo smarmy and smart.

Well, Dan, another year. I hope I can have the satisfaction of knocking you out in the playoffs this year. And if it isn't me who gets to have the satisfaction of knocking you out of the playoffs, then I hope it's anybody but Charlie.


E:60 Bryce Harper

pick twelve: praise god this is almost fucking over

toilet dogs: mike employs autodraft, does way better than he would have

Toilet Dogs

1.(12)Albert Pujols(LAA - 1B)2.(13)Clayton Kershaw(LAD - SP)3.(36)Ryan Zimmerman(Was - 3B)4.(37)Cliff Lee(Phi - SP)5.(60)Paul Goldschmidt(Ari - 1B)6.(61)Matt Holliday(StL - LF)7.(84)Aaron Hill(Ari - 2B)8.(85)Elvis Andrus(Tex - SS)9.(108)Austin Jackson(Det - CF)10.(109)Nelson Cruz(Tex - RF)11.(132)Jon Lester(Bos - SP)12.(133)Mariano Rivera(NYY - RP)13.(156)Anibal Sanchez(Det - SP)14.(157)Brian McCann(Atl - C)15.(180)Marco Estrada(Mil - SP,RP)16.(181)Mike Moustakas(KC - 3B)17.(204)Nick Markakis(Bal - RF)18.(205)Angel Pagan(SF - CF)19.(228)Carlos Marmol(ChC - RP)20.(229)Jayson Werth(Was - CF,RF)21.(252)Kendrys Morales(Sea - 1B)

Mike, you should probably only autodraft from now on. Given that you are a cellar dweller in every fantasy league, maybe giving the reins over to Yahoo! for a bit is the way to go. This is clearly your best draft in any sport this year. I guess congratulations are in order.

I think it would be safe to expect Albert to produce similar numbers this year if not mildly better given Josh Hamilton's presence in the lineup. Last year he was decidedly down for the first half of the year (sorry, Pat) but still ended up with a decent 85/30/105/.285/859 slash line. Even more incredibly, after his awful start he finished the year with the exact same amount of hits from the y ear previous, 21 more doubles, 6 more rbi's, and only seven less home runs. He's a consistent anchor to build around -- we all know this. FanGraphs projections agree with common sense that he should stay about as productive as last year or improve his number 5-10%. That's good shit, mang.

Backing up Pujols is Saksen's legion of similar players playing different positions.

Aaron Hill, Ryan Zimmerman, and Matt Holliday are basically the same player.

See? They are basically the same player. Key differences: Aaron Hill has 14 stolen bags, Zimmerman has a slightly lower batting average, Holliday had more RBI's last season.

So, that's three dudes with nearly 30 bombs, 85+ rbis, 93+runs, and an average ~.290. Those are three solid lieutenants to keep Saksens little ship chugging along every day of the week. Though, Saksen should be warned that both Zimmerman and Holliday have a past of missing large amounts of time during the season. Playing with injury risks is like shaking your dick in front of the caper viper: it always bites you eventually. So, good luck with these guys all year. I'm sure one of the two will miss at least 3 weeks of the year.

Then, we have these fucking guys who are identical as well:

That gives Mike seven players on Mike's roster with 20+ bombs, 5 with 80+ rbis, 8 guys with 80+runs scored, and 3 with 20+ stolen bags (including the superb bag stealer Sir Michael Bourn).

Mike's percentage stats are healthy, as well.

For batting average, Aaron Hill, Matt Holliday, and Nick Markakis all flirt with .300, and there are four other players on Mikes roster who hit somewhere in the .280's. Pretty much every Toilet Dog except four (Mcann, Avila, Moustakas, and Cruz) bats between .275 and .290. That's definitely a crank zone, no?

Mikes OPS isn't bad, it isn't great, but it's competitive. Five of his starters have an OPS between 700-800, which is on the lower end of the league but it's still competitive. If I had to chose a category that Mike might lose on a consistent basis it would be between OPS and steals. I'd probably lean towards OPS because its just a little bit lower than most other teams but he should have a consistent average somewhere 825-850.

Alex Avila is pretty shitty across the board, you have to think he won't last on Mikes roster for very long.

Saksens pitching staff is pretty nice as well. Clayton Kershaw is a fucking boss and is clearly one of the elite pitchers in the game. His slash line is a joke 14-9/229/2.53/1.02. Wowzerz. If you can get him to start twice in a playoff round you're going to kick somebody to the curb.

Backing him up is Cliff Lee, who we all know Saksen traded for two chalupas and a soda last year. Lee had a good year on the bump last year just not in the win column- 6-9/207/3.16/1.11. He should probably rebound in the win-loss column to at least a .500 clip, and he hasn't shown any signs of slowing down at all, YET.

His depth pitchers (Jon Lester, Anibal Sanchez, Morrow, Marco Estrada) are alright. Lester is questionable. He brings strikeouts but he detracts every other pitching stat, and he figures to rack up the losses pitching for the Red Sawx who look to be the second worst team in the AL East. If anything, these are good options to start the season with. Anibal Sanchez and Brandon Morrow, in particular, look to win 10-12 games on the Tigers and Jays.

At the back of Saksen's bullpen are some real heaters. Soriano figures to have 40-50 saves for the Nats, as I covered before. Mariano Rivera = ????? He totally fucked me last year when he capered the tits out of his knee in Kansas City. I don't see any reason why he can't save 30 games this year, assuming the Yankees win enough games. He's already pretty old and for some reason I have a feeling that not all is going to go well for Mariano this year. That's scientific, btw. As it looks on paper though, Saksen did well to score two closers and he is in good position for later in the year when all the contenders start loading up on third closers.

In all, I think the Toilet Dogs are in a much better position for Saksen to ruin his team than last year. I am 100% sure Mike will find some trade or roster move that will completely fuck himself over but, from the looks of things, he can withstand one or two tinker-fails or traderapes. He might even actually make the playoffs! As is tradition, Mike will suffer some huge injury in mid-May and I expect to hear a lot more about fantasy football around then. Also, he's getting married this summer and I think one of two things will happen: (1) he will completely ignore his team for 3 weeks, or (2) he's going to be updating his lineup 20 minutes before he gets married and taking shots in the name of Ryan Zimmerman at his reception.

So, good luck this season Dr Toilet Dog.

maybe you can trade cliff lee for vlad?

Toilet Dog
E:60 - Pujols' Bats

and for good measure

E:60 - Green Men

another tasty treat to drop oats to

talk to you early next week bitchzzzz