Week 18 Fantasy Baseball recap

Dealin' with the dog days

The intro...

Welp, it happened. Suspend-ageddon came and went on Monday, and took with it Oscar's guy Nelson Cruz (a top 40 guy at the time), my guy Everth Cabrera (top 70 and #1 in the Fist Pigs' hearts -- see Week 12's recap) and Eliot's Jhonny "no that's not a typo" Peralta (top 100). Add Braunie to the list, and that's four top guys gone for the year for cheating, pretty crazy. If anyone is looking for a replacement, I hear this A-Rod guy is pretty good.

Besides the PED drama, this week was fairly uninteresting. Feels like we're kind of in a holding pattern in this league until the playoffs start since the first-round byes and the rest of the postseason spots are pretty much spoken for barring a big run by Oscar (though he pretty much already said he's giving up). I lost (but am having a hard time giving a shit), while Jesse, Eliot and Pete won *yawwwwns*

Given these boring matchups, and that I've been rocking with my cock out at Outside Lands the past three days, I'm changing up the format a bit this week to save time. Just gonna point out some winners and losers in each recap, with no picture or video summarizing the matchups either. Wah.

OK, let's get started...

Jesse vs. Sean

Gropers give it up, Tacos take it

Winners: -Matt Harvey was a stud as usual with a complete game shutout start. Wowza.
-After a sluggish start to the week, Jesse had himself a damn day on Friday, putting up a .441 average for the day to pull past Sean in some hitting stats.
-Jose "Joey Bats" Bautista had homers both Friday and Saturday against the A's. What a dick.
-Brandon Belt was so shitty that last week the Giants straight-up benched his ass on account of suckitude. So of course the dude goes 5/2/5/.400 for Sean a week later. Baseball is weird.

Losers: -Marco Scutaro. Sean, didn't I tell you to kick his ass to the curb? Sweet .176 average this week.
-Pablo, Posey and Zito too. Besides Belt, Sean's whole Giants contingent was hilariously bad, which you know I love. Why is Zito still on your team???? You claimed you got rid of him, but clearly you don't know how to work the complicated technology that is the "drop" button.
-Hanley Ramirez was in the lineup for Jesse pretty much all week despite being out with a bum shoulder. Didn't hurt the Tacos much though...Jesse was able to kind of coast to a win this week, just like I predicted he would.

Dan vs. Niko

Did Niko beat me, or did I beat myself?

Winners: *spot purposefully left empty*

Losers: -My hitters were god-awful. A 1-for-21 outing on Thursday made for a solid .048 average, making my .172 mark on Monday look positively Ruthian in comparison. I somewhat got my shit together over the weekend, but still was embarrassing...
-...But my pitchers were even worse. Jeff Samardzija and Bartolo Colon put on clinics for how to suck ass. And my guys that did have good starts had rotten luck to not get wins. David Price had his bullpen give up six damn runs to blow a lead, while Alex Wood threw six scoreless but got zero run support, preventing a dub there. Oh well.
-Pig necks: I lost Jason Heyward AND Bobby Parnell to neck injuries this week (though Heyward only missed a game). What the hell? I can't ever remember someone being out with a bum neck, now my team has two right in a row?
-Niko also had some poopy playing this week (look at all those double digit ERAs and sub-.200 averages on his side too). Zack Greinke and Jose Reyes were pretty much the saving graces for the Nancies to help him beat my bitch ass. But honestly, the less said about this matchup the better. We ain't got no alibi, we ugly.

Aaron vs. Eliot

Puigs power past Poops

Winners: -Both of these guys' offense on Friday. Aaron thought he had himself a nice little day, hitting .333 with 11 runs, but Eliot owned his ass with an 11/4/13/1/.390 line for the day. Well fucking done dude.
-Hell, both of these guys' offenses in general. Aaron snuck ahead in average with a stellar Sunday, but both of them were well above .300 for the week. Eliot had the much better offense overall though, with double-digit bombz and 40+ runs and RBI.
-Miguel Cabrera is pretty unbelievable. Check out this at-bat that ended up being a game-tying homer, against that bum Mariano Rivera. Cabrera was out injured most of last week but apparently is just fine, putting up a ridonkulous 7/4/11/.429.
-Justin Upton also continued a filthy run for the Puigs with a 4/3/5/1/.391 line. Honestly, if these guys, plus others like Mr. Fist Puig himself, are going on all cylinders like they did this week, Eliot's team could be pretty damn scary come playoff time.
-Aaron's two trade recipients from Niko -- Beltre and Jones -- continued to have awesome seasons for their new team.

Losers: -Shelby Miller, one of Aaron's top pitchers who left after a single batter on Wednesday after taking a liner to the elbow. No bueno...apparently he's not going on the DL but that's worth keeping an eye on.
-Francisco Liriano, another one of Aaron's pitchers, finally showed he's mortal after a ridiculous run this year. Is this 10-run fiasco a bump in the road or the beginning of the end?
-Eliot's closer Fernando Rodney has been inconsistent as shit this year. Had a horrible start to the year and looked lost, then had a nice couple months, and is now sucking again. He came in for a save with a three-run lead against the Dodgers on Friday and fell apart, quickly giving up the lead, then throwing it away for the loss. Yuck.
-As mentioned above, Rivera blew a save by giving up a bomb to his fellow Bay teammate Cabrera. It was his second blown save in a row...the dude clearly sucks, so I demand that you trade him to me for pennies on the dollar.

Oscar vs. Pete

Pete eeks out a win, no one cares

Winners: -Mike fucking Trout. This article provides a good summary of Trout's obscene sophomore season. A 5/2/6/3/.350 line this week wasn't too bad...FOR A GIRL.
-Chris Davis rudely hit this bomb against my Padres on Wednesday...was measured as one of the top 5 ever hit in Petco. Again...not suspicious at all!
-Pete had four different guys hit multiple homers this week. Glad to see Davis isn't being greedy with his PEDs for the Show-Me's.
-Lincecum had a good start on Thursday and Pete actually had him in his lineup. Impressive!

Losers: -Desmond Jennings is on the DL but was still in Pete's lineup early in the week. Typical.
-Pete also picked up Sonny Gray, but left him on the bench for a decent start Saturday.
-But whatever Pete did wrong in this league recently pales in comparison to his boner moves in our other league this week. He left Josh Reddick on the bench while he hit three homers on Friday, then learned NOTHING from his idiocy and left him on the bench AGAIN Saturday as he hit two more. Just awesome.
-Oscar's guy Cole Hamels has the worst damn luck. He had another good start this week but again no win. He has a 3.81 ERA...not stellar but not bad by any means, yet has an awful 4-13 record because for whatever reason, the Phillies are comically bad on offense whenever he pitches (fourth-lowest average run support in the bigs this year).
-Despite these guys' track records, there wasn't as much bumbling as I had hoped in this matchup...in fact, this might have been the most well-played of the four this week. Well that's no fun.


JESSE VS. NIKO (season series: 2-0 Jesse)
Jesse has treated his friend Niko very poorly thus far this year, dispatching him 8-2 in Week 5, then 8-1 in Week 12. The Taco offense led the way in Week 5 with double-digit homers and steals and a .300+ average to sweep all five hitting stats, then had the pitchers carry him in Week 12 to sweep all five of THOSE stats. Damn Jesse and his well-balanced team. I think the Tacos reign supreme again this week. Mmm, taco supreme... Prediction: Jesse, 7-3.

OSCAR VS. SEAN (season series: 2-0 Sean)
Sean has really enjoyed playing Oscar in this battle of the cellar dwellers...the Gropers have a mere four wins this year, and two are against the Mongers of Roid. Sean's sorry squad won 6-4 in the Week 5 battle, then 5-4 in the Week 12 rematch...he has won with decent to good pitching in the matchups (3.40 ERA in Week 5 and 2.54 in Week 12), and will likely have to win those stats again to counteract the usual roiding going on in Oscar's offense. I don't think he'll do it though, and Oscar will stay alive for that last playoff spot. Prediction: Oscar, 7-3.

DAN VS. ELIOT (season series: 2-0 Dan)

I've barely gotten by with 6-4 wins both times against Eliot, but am coming into this matchup scuffling the last couple of weeks. I would take my offensive output from Week 5 (10 jacks, .311 avg) or my pitching from Week 12 (10 saves and good ERA and WHIP)...or both? But I'm not greedy. I just need to get back on the right track. For Eliot, Week 12 was the dawning of the Puig era, when Mr. Yasiel hit his first homers of the year and began a run that touched America's hearts and, if we're being honest, our crotches. I've got to hope he misses some more games this week while recovering from some other ridiculous catch he's bound to make. If not, this will likely be another close one, so let's just give me another narrow win by the same score as our last two battles. Prediction: Dan, 6-4.

AARON VS. PETE (season series: 1-0-1 Pete)

These two dweebs are on the lower end of the playoff bracket right now and are both looking to strengthen their hold on a postseason spot (though Pete's likely barely even looking at this league because he's dumb and can derelict my balls). The Show-Mes flexed their veiny Yoenys in Week 5 with double-digit bombs and a solid WHIP of 1.00 on their way to a 7-3 win, then had a jaw-dropping 16 homers in the rematch but stumbled and bumbled their way to a tie thanks to a 5.27 ERA and a blown save by Frieri late Sunday that would've given Pete the close victory. Aaron likes to play hot potato with his pitchers and stream one after the other, and I have a hunch that he might hit a jackpot on a few this week and help the Shits get a sorely needed win and boost in the standings. Prediction: Aaron, 7-2.

Were last week's predictions right? 3-1 (37-24-7 for the year, only got tripped up by cheatin' Pete this week)

Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time

I just got back from spending the last three days and evenings out in Golden Gate Park at the ol' Outside Lands music festival. We hung out with Sean, who for some reason was hanging by the medical tent trying to grope unconscious women on gurneys (I think he's had that team name for too long). It was fun, although I don't know if I'm getting to be a grandpa or what, but it was just too damn crowded this year. I also was only really excited to see a few of the bands, which may have led to my feeling of meh. Sean is WAY more of a grandpa though, based on his Facebook status updates (HALL AND OATES AND WILLIE NELSON GOOD! YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS BAD!) Anyways, here's a slideshow of pics.