It's fun being a kid, but it's hard growing up. I said this to my wife yesterday when she told me about our kindergartner's first story of friendship drama. Friend A and Friend B don't like each other. Friend A reiterated this fact to our daughter, our daughter said, "I'm not even friends with her," Friend B heard and gasped, our daughter came home full of guilt, sat down at the table, and chose to write Friend B a letter of apology. My wife asked her why she was writing an apology, and our daughter tearfully told the whole story. My wife then texted me, and that's when I responded, "It's fun being a kid, but it's hard growing up."
A question you may be wondering: "Is this bullying?" When we examine an interaction for bullying, we look for four elements: intentional cruelty, repetition, an imbalance of power, and the impact the behavior is having on the target. In this case, what was said by my daughter and her friend was unkind, but not intentionally so. The immediate remorse and desire to make it right would be one indicator of that. In addition to a lack of intentionality, there is also the fact that the girls are six and don't have a lot of life experience to guide them through a moment like this.
When we analyze a child's poor behavioral choice, we seek to find if it is the result of a skill deficit (i.e., they need to learn the skill) or a performance deficit (they know the skill, but chose not to use it). In most cases with elementary students, it is the result of a skill deficit. Going back to our daughter's story, kindergartners are known for speaking without a filter, and our daughter said what she said because she didn't know what else to say. After she finished her letter, we coached her to say, "I can be friends with both of you." She felt she needed to make a choice of friends and was worried what Friend A would say. So often in cases with children, they don't know what to do, they feel they need to do something, so they make a choice that isn't helpful.
It's fun being a kid, but it's hard growing up. The story I just told you, I'm sure you've had this happen in your own home too. It stinks. It comes with growing up because in growth there must be mistakes made and lessons learned from them. It's the hard part about growing up, but it sure does lead to stronger kids. Next week, we'll talk a bit about Restorative Practices - a way to make things right after a poor choice that focuses on repairing harm more than punishment.
Have a wonderful weekend making memories with your favorite people!
