Fantasy Baseball final recap
Pigs raise their Fists in victory!
The intro...
Dan vs. Niko
Day-by-day recap
Highlights: The Nancies got off to a solid start on offense thanks to a two-run Jayson Werth homer and two steals and a walkoff hit from Shin Soo Choo. What a bag of douche. I only had a solo bomb from Carlos Gomez at the plate, but my pitchers came through with two wins, two saves and a 1.38 ERA to get the week going. Atta way fellas!
Lowlights: The rest of my offense was a shmashmortion as usual with another day around .200.
TUESDAY (Lots of pitching action leaves it tied 4-4)
Highlights: Niko got back into it in the pitching stats with wins from Doug the Fister and Gerrit Cole. Could have had a third win but Zach Miner only lasted four innings, sucka.
Lowlights: Our closers traded blown saves in the Indians/White Sox game, with Chris Perez shitting the bed, then my dude Reed coming in and giving it right back via a walkoff homer to admitted Roid Monger Jason Giambi. I also had an absolutely horrible streaming start from Mike Leake that blew up my ERA and WHIP. Luckily, Niko matched with an ill-advised streaming start of John Lackey in Coors Field, where he got knocked around. Also, just another .200 day for the Piggies' offense with jack and shit in the power and SB stats. Ho hum.
WEDNESDAY (Piggies get offensive, go up 7-2)
Highlights: After weeks of limp boners on offense, my FIst Pigs finally exploded. Four homers, nine runs and a .324 average on the day. THIS IS HOW WE DO IT. Evan Longoria was the big bopper with two homers, while Carlos Gomez flew a liiiiiiiiittle too close to the sun after hitting his homer and ended up getting tossed for pissing off the Braves and the greater Atlanta region. My fellas also got a couple wins and 8 K's each from D-Price and Perez (loves me some streamers against the Astros). Niko responded with a shutout win from his Mariner boyfriend Iwakuma and a homer from my Padre boyfriend Jedd Gyorko.
Lowlights: The Nancies only hit .206 on the day, allowing the Pigs to take over the lead in average. They also had Ervin Santana, Iwakuma's opponent who kinda shit the bed for four runs in six innings. Niko also, in a HIGHLY questionable move, emptied his clip already just three days into the matchup, using ALL six of his roster moves for the week. He wrote on the trash talk board: "Ummm....guess who wasn't paying attention to how many players they'd added this week.." It's alright, it's not like there was $280 on the line or anything. *slaps forehead*
THURSDAY (My lead slims to 6-4)
Highlights: Niko had hits from all of his batters on the day to put himself back ahead in average and runs and added a couple RBI from waiver wire pickup Michael Brantley. I had a 3-RBI game from Longoria to help me keep pace in offense despite having only three guys start.
Lowlights: Of course, I only had three guys starting because my boner Gomez got suspended a game for his Wednesday shenanigans. Oh well. My Padres denied a win to Niko's other waiver pickup Trevor Cahill, but didn't knock him around as much as I might like. Oh well again, because Chris Perez fully melted down, giving up FOUR runs in a non-save situation. Dude, I am SO mailing more weed to your dog as a thank you gift, Mr. Perez.
FRIDAY (Niko has himself a day on offense, cuts my lead more to 5-4)
Highlights: I thought I had a pretty good day on offense...a .300+ average and 8 runs? Not bad...but then I looked at Niko's guys. Fuuuuuuuuh. A .395 average? 3 homers? 15 fucking RBI??? God damn. At least I put some distance between us in the pitching stats thanks to wins from both starters, including BFBC (Big Fat Bartolo Colon) outdueling King Felix for a cruuuucial win.
Lowlights: Not much to make fun of among our guys except that Felix couldn't beat a fat old man. That's right BOYEEEEEE. So it came down to the weekend, with me just needing to hold on in the five pitching stats (just like in my semis match against Pete) to take down the title.
SATURDAY (I go back up 7-3, start to see the light at the end of the tunnel)
Highlights: Carlos Gomez, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Gomey hit a homer (his third of the week) AND had two steals, Carlos Santana also hit a bomb cuz he's sooo smooth. But what I needed to clinch the win was good pitching, and got it with wins from Wainwright and Pettitte and no big blowups from my other guys. The end was near...
Lowlights: For Niko, Zack Greinke had a nice start but got boned out of a win by a lack of offensive support. By this point, the writing was pretty much on the wall about who was gonna be the champ.
SUNDAY (The title is MINE, Piggies win 6-3)
Highlights: Gomez got his third SB of the week to go with his three homers for the Pigs. He's neat. Niko's Dres dude Jedd Gyorko hit his third jack of the week and had 10 RBI overall, but it didn't matter much because he needed to win or tie at least one pitching stat to have a chance.
Lowlights: However, I was far enough ahead in all the pitching stats, so I was able to sit all my guys to avoid a pitching meltdown that could fuck me in ERA or WHIP. Right on cue, SD's own Huston Street fell apart in the 9th against the Giants and gave up a season-ending walkoff. Doesn't matter, I won, bitchesssssssssssss.
Other matchups
JESSE beats PETE for third place, SEAN beats OSCAR for seventh place.
As Mr. Beane eloquently put it, you can do all you can to build a juggernaut in the regular season, but it can all be screwed over by the small sample size of the playoffs and a few unfortunate breaks. Such was Jesse's fate, as this week proved that his typically well-rounded team was championship material but fell to the fickle fancies of the fantasy gods in the semis.
Exhibit A of the fantasy fickleness was Sean randomly having a crazy good week in the sad seventh place battle of bozos who didn't come particularly close to the playoffs and weren't even paying attention at this point. In fact, the Gropers would have beaten my bitchass 6-4 if we faced off this week. Just goes to show how random this all is, so I feel very very lucky to have finished as the king of the castle.
Obituaries
Nancy Swansons (Niko)
Niko had a curious playoff run. He was asleep at the wheel for much of his first-round matchup with Aaron but somehow won anyways, then was on point all week as he upset top-seeded Jesse in the semis. The Nancies lost their cool in the finals though and got too trigger-happy, using up all six of their roster moves by Wednesday. Just poor, poor planning that led in part to Niko's defeat. That, and the fact that his pitching (the best in the league this year) got tripped up at the worst possible time and got swept in all five stats. Oh well, Niko at least gets his $40 back, so no harm no foul, and good luck next year (assuming we run this back for a second year). I never learned what the fuck a Nancy Swanson is, by the way. Want to fill us in before we head to the offseason?
Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time
Signing off as your recap writer
Also, as if I haven't been busy enough rosterbating in these playoffs and dealing with baby stuff, we bought a house! We were in escrow this past month and finally got the keys this weekend. My $280 winnings have pretty much all been spent already toward buying a lawn mower and vacuum cleaner. Anyways, y'all are invited to our housewarming party, tentatively planned for November...I'll make sure to save some of my winnings for some burgers and brews.
Peace,
Dan
P.S. Go A's!