ELA 1 Introduction to Me

By Evan Morris


*WARNING THE PLOT OF THE FOLLOWING STORY IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS*


Introductions are always awkward, like seriously starting off breaking the fourth wall is probably not a good idea, but I wouldn’t know. So here I am, Hello, I’m Evan Morris, MCSE, AWE, SOME, ASP, GWS, GASW, TYR, GADF, JRE, ETG, SWI, KICwSOLDiG, QWERTY, PLM, WERG, WADS. This is the story of my life. Let’s see, where should we start, hmm….. Ah! I know I’ll trust the dice. One sec… getting out the 20-sided die… aaaaannnnndddddd 18.


2018, now that was a year I remember vividly, that was the year we first made contact with extraterrestrials. It was mid-November, when we heard reports from NASA, the ESA, and the RKA that a large object had entered low-earth-orbit and wasn't leaving. After 3 days the ISS was perfectly positioned to view the object, and those poor astronauts were really freaked out when they discovered that it was a spacecraft and not an asteroid like we had first thought. We had just made contact with the Orionites (so called because they were from the constellation Orion). The Orionites were much like us Humans, save for the third nostril, long legs, slightly blue skin, and eerily large eyes.


The story of the Orionites is a sad one, they just as we were set to, had polluted their planet to beyond the point of livability. They sent out large colony ships with their entire population on board to go settle a few new, livable planets. The journey to these planets would be a long one, but they had the invention of the warp drive. We had theorized this was possible via the alcubierre drive, but due to the required exotic matter that would make the drive work, we were never able to try it. The Orionites had discovered exotic matter, only because they were very lucky and their particle accelerators had produced a containable amount of it early on. From there their scientists were able to devise methods to produce more of it for use in new warp drives.


When Orionites diplomats arrived at earth, we hammered out a deal: we would hand over earth for them to strip bare of its materials with advanced mining techniques, in exchange they would transport all life on earth to an equally habitable planet, and give us all of their advanced technology. The Orionites prepared a large transport, and we gathered up all life on earth and boarded the massive vessel to Vena, our new home.


Now back to me, the ship-board life was boring, at that point, most of humanity, including me, had never been on board a spacecraft before. Headed towards Vena at warp 6 took about a month, although it would have taken closer to a millennium without the warp-drive. When we made it to Vena, I went with the first wave of colonists to establish new settlements and utilities that would sustain the colonists to come down afterwards. After about a year of laboring and engineering with the F.C.D. (Federal Colonization Department) I went to resume the education I left behind on Earth.


On Earth I was going to study Electrical Engineering, but excited by the new possibilities brought to the table by Orionite universities, I went to study the growing new field of Starship Systems Engineering. After a grueling 4 years of education with the Orionites, I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Starship Systems Engineering. Not satisfied with just a bachelor's degree I went back to the university for another 2 years working in the university, I got my Master’s Degree in Starship engineering.


I was primed and ready for success, I joined up with the newly formed F.S.S.N. (Federal StarShip Navy), where I was assigned on board the newly built F.S.S. Odin, a Thor-class Battleship. The Odin was the first ship built with materials mined from another planet in the system. After working 2 years aboard the Odin, working my way up the chain of command, I was assigned to the Odin’s main weapon, a Mjölnir railgun. However on board the Odin the railgun was renamed Gungnir, to keep things accurate with the Norse myth which the names were based upon. Anyway, the Gungnir was a large railgun that spanned the length of the ship, with the supercapacitors (positioned directly above the railgun) taking up %25 of the total tonnage of the ship. Another %10 was taken up by the ammo store for the gun (positioned directly below).


Moving up so quickly, I had more than my fair share of enemies, but eventually one went too far, my rival: Sigurbjorn Bergsveinsson. Sigurbjorn was a contender for my position, but instead was put in charge of Moggin, the Odin’s missile system. He decided that he was ready to take my position, so he snuck into the charging corridor of the Gungnir, and after hours of work turning off all of the systems involved with the charging cable, then after hours with hacksaws and circular saws, he cut the cable. which doesn't sound so bad until you realize that this cable is 40 feet thick, made of insulated superconducting material that has to be supercooled with liquid nitrogen. The captain of the Odin was furious, but after a bit of explaining I convinced him that it was in fact Sigurbjorn who cut the cable. Because the captain was such a nice guy (and I repaired the cable much much faster than expected), he promoted me to head engineer.


With my new-found power of Head Engineer, I finally had some time to myself, during my years in the position of head engineer, I made new advances into the field of Starship weaponry. Such as new more efficient ways of wiring up supercapacitors for railguns. During this time, our species was not idle, we discovered new alien empires far and wide, and formed the I.G.C. (Intergalactic Council). There were wars (some of which I was in), but overall, there was mostly peace.


After 5 years passed, I was promoted to captain of the Odin III, a larger and improved version of the Odin II (which itself was a larger and improved version of my ship, the Odin). As they say, all power corrupts, and I was not immune. I said "I’m done being orderly and obeying what ever little thing Starship command says!" I hatched an evil plot to make myself remembered until the Heat Death of the Universe. I invited 14 captains of large and powerful vessels to a simple party on the Odin III. Once there, I excused myself to the latrine, while the engineer let in tranquilizer gas into the room the party was in. While the captains were knocked out, I implanted chips in their brain that allowed me to kill them at the flick of a switch.


With the 14 captains under my control, the 2nd phase of my plan began. I ordered them (under threat of death) to go the small alien empire of the Volbonorgs, and wait for me there. When nobody expected it, I announced to the crew of the Odin III that I was performing a coup with 14 other captains, if they wanted glory, follow me, if not, get off now. Being a very popular captain, I lost only a few dozen of my two thousand man crew. I changed their recruitment records to make them look crazy, so nobody would believe them when they said I mutinied. While out charting deep space, we fed false radio messages and data to starship command, to make it look like the Odin was destroyed by an unknown force. Once this was done, we charted a course to the Volbonorg empire, carefully avoiding any area where Federal scanners could find us.


Upon arriving on at the Volbongorg empire, the rest of the captains and I went to the home planet of the Volbonorgs, destroying the few small ships that resisted, we entered a low orbit to show off our ships before coming down to the surface. The Volbonorgs are the type of people who would rather surrender than fight, so negotiating their unconditional surrender was easy. I ordered them to start building exact replicas of Federal ships and to start implanting their entire population with the death-chips I used on the captains. I also ordered them to start designing a massive planet sized fortress-monument dedicated to me.


It took them a while, but after a few years, they had a navy comparable to humanity, they had also completed the plans for the fortress-monument. At this point I removed the death-chips from the captains and set them free to go back to humanity and tell them of the fate of the Odin III. I also ordered the Volbonorgs to begin converting their home planet to the fortress they had designed.


After a few years of laboring, the fortress-monument to me was complete. I christened it Asgård, it is grand, the size of a planet, bristling with guns to protect me and my dynasty, it contains everything I will ever need, and most importantly it has a giant statue of me on the top. Luckily for me I had been merciful to the Volbonorg’s allowing them to keep most of their freedoms, and be mostly safe from the activation of their death-chips. They agreed to serve me for the rest of my life, and my dynasty afterwards, and keep me safe from human prosecution by keeping their navy larger than humanity’s.


So here I am, sitting on my throne, dictating my story to my Volbonorg scribe, enjoying the rest of my (hopefully) long life. I have decided that when I die that the empire will be inherited by my dog Dixie, and the empire will be renamed to the Volbonorg-Dog empire.


Just like introductions, endings are also weird, I’m not really sure how to end this story without being too abrupt. But it looks like that’s where this is going, so this was the story of me, and the founding of the Volbonorg-Dog empire.

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The F.S.S. Odin