Quaint Town, Big Troubles Arise
by: Mekiy'El Wright & Ethan Burfield
Hello North Shore. Today we have found a surplus of residents in the town of Wilmette are finding life harder and harder. We sent out multiple reporters to find out what all the whining is about. First, we interviewed young Snoodbort Crumplesnout. He seemed ready to jump out of his shoes because of all the issues with his lifestyle. “Last week I bought the new iPhone. Sounds great right? What I found out when I got home was it wouldn’t fit in my skinny jeans!” Snoodbort exclaimed while sipping from his triple, double, caramel, peppermint, decaf, kids temperature, mocha frappa latte. “The people at Starbucks even forgot to put a third pump of caramel in my drink!”
Shrek Donkeyatrocious also put his say into the matter. “It is really hard,” Donkeyatrocious said. “Yesterday I was going into my kitchen to get some lunch. It was a normal trip to my fridge. When I opened the fridge, I almost dropped dead.” Donkeyatrocious had to take a minute before he could finish. He was crying like a baby while saying “There were only leftovers.” He couldn’t be asked anymore questions because his mom came to pick him up in her Tesla S.
Chuck Fil-A is a teenager going to school at New Trier High School. He was having some problems between him and his mom. “Yesterday I was doing my homework when I asked my mom for a delicious sandwich. She told me I would have to make it myself. It’s so unbelievable! Why would she ask me to make a sandwich? What am I, a maid?”
We then scoured the streets but gave up for the day. All of the residents were at home watching Netflix.
The next day we restarted our search for residents. The first we came upon was Hingle McCringleberry. “Last week the Apple Watch was released for pre-order. My parents thought it would be nice to get me the silver one. I wanted the gold one!”
The “North Shore Problems” gained the attention of Sarah McLachlan from the ASPCA ads. She started to film commercials of the youth of the area. We have an excerpt from the script to share with you: “Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. I am currently helping these North Shore kids and you can too. All you need to do is call 1-282-555-8113 and donate one Grande Frap from Starbucks a day.”
One parent came to us about their daughter Potato Salad. “I haven't seen her in weeks,” Mr. Salad explained, “She hasn’t left her room since Zayn left that band, One Direction. I tried to console her by buying her tickets to One Direction. She turned them down after I told her they were ‘only second row’ tickets.”
This town has made many of our reporters stopped coming to work due to their loss in hope for humanity. I frankly feel the same and resign from this job. This is my last report for this paper. These North Shore residents are just whiny. These aren’t real problems but the reactions to them have made me leave this field. A fitting end for a writer of my calibre.