The Puffington Post

The World's Fakest News Source | Ed.8 | January 25, 2016

I'm Me

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SNOWMAGEDDON
This weekend it didn't snow at all anywhere on the East Coast. No one was snowed in, no cars got stuck, and zero cases of frostbite in unsexy places were reported. Operations carried on as usual; delivery times actually decreased by 5-7 minutes across all five cities!

...Thank you to everyone who stepped up and made it happen this weekend. The customers notice! #rally

I GOT 99 PROBLEMS
...and all of them are solutions.
We are all smart, and not just because DJ Khaled said so. When faced with an issue, find a solution before relaying the problem. #wethebest

Operations

HAPPY DRIVER = HAPPY CUSTOMER
Drivers are the face of goPuff! They should take their work seriously, but be sure to create an environment they enjoy and want to be a part of. The happier our drivers are, the happier our customers are.

YOU'RE HIRED!
Our team must constantly be growing to keep up with our operational growth. Always be looking for familial connections when hiring new people (friends, friends of friends, etc)!

TIME IS NEVER WASTED, WHEN YOU'RE...HELPING OUT IN THE WAREHOUSE
Don't think about working in the warehouse as a chore. Think of it as clerical therapy*:
  1. Crushing/stomping boxes helps relieve built-up tension and anxiety.
  2. Restocking shelves instills peace of mind - an organized space is an organized mind.
  3. Swift activity boosts your metabolism and increases immunity.

*These tips have not been approved by the NHA.


CONGRATS! YOU LIVE RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO OUR WAREHOUSE!

Customers with addresses in very close proximity/right next to our warehouse should always take priority. Blow their minds and take advantage of the fact that they can receive their order in 5 minutes!

Meet Your Coworkers!

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Last week's poll revealed interesting results about the goPuff team. Here they are:

  • goPuff's male to female ratio is 6:1. Interestingly enough, 6% of us are Caitlyn Jenner.
  • We are not dry people, & therefore don't like dry sandwiches. Among our favorite condiments are ketchup and sriracha (hence the abundance of ketchup bottles lying around the office).
  • 50% of us would prefer sudden death than have to confront the world with our Google search history.
  • Two of our co-founders (I won't name names) would want Marky Mark and Vinny Chase to play them in the movie version of their lives. Coincidence?
  • 55% percent of us would rather give up cheese than oral sex, 18% would rather give up oral sex than cheese, and 27% find my lewd behavior via Google Forms unacceptable #sorrynotsorry.
  • If we weren't working at goPuff, we'd be: surfing in South Africa, still in high school, bartending, sleeping (finally), playing flamenco guitar, crying ourselves to sleep at night, still applying for jobs, ordering goPuff, touring the world, or...working for goPuff. Go figure.
  • Our biggest pet peeves are: 1. customers who fall asleep before their delivery and 2. when we're asked about our pet peeves. Noted.
  • We're currently binging on: Parks & Rec, Red Road, New Girl, Ya Gotta Try This: goPuff on Fox 29, The Jinx, Chopped, The Girls Next Door (you know who you are) and this season's hottest new show: The goPuff Backoffice.
  • We all love our jobs, but if we could give someone else's a try, we'd choose: Daniel Eller (#RIP), Jorida, Philly drivers Denzel Hamilton and Dave Bell on a Saturday ($$$), Orkhan, Simon (because sweatsuits), Raf, and me (but don't be fooled - writing jokes about your coworkers all day long is really exhausting).

Marketing

GOPUFFNATION
We just signed a deal with Livenation, the music & live events monster that owns Ticketmaster. We'll be partnering up with them to be at concerts in all of our cities' major venues!

GASSED UP
Two full-wrapped buses (one for goPuff, one for goBeer) will be cruising in Center City and seven others with goPuff backs around the rest of the city.

PROMOTIN' IS A HABIT
The beer mugs killed it. Always be brainstorming new giveaways! Ee. whoopie cushions for April Fools Day, color-changing spoons are coming in for every city.

I guess Fox News is good for one thing. Didn't catch our segment? Watch it here.

Squad News

WELCOME OUR NEW MANAGERS - AHMED, MATT, & TAYLOR!
  1. Ahmed has jetset from Philly to LA and now to Denver, the whole time in the suavest shoes the goPuff office has ever seen. #finesse
  2. Matt's "first day of training was on the busiest day we've ever had - classic goPuff move." - Simon. Ya did well, kid.
  3. Taylor is our newest manager in Austin! Get to know her below.

Spotlight: Taylor Cochran

From: Houston, TX.
Age: 21
Position: Austin Manager

What's your favorite part about your job?
The feeling of potential. I've worked a lot of jobs where you can just tell that it's a dead end.

F*ck, marry, kill: pizza, Netflix, alcohol?
F*ck pizza, because why not? Marry Netflix, because I can always count on it. Kill alcohol - I'm not a big drinker.

If you weren't working at goPuff, what would you be doing?
Probably traveling across the country in a van with my girl and my dog, selling knick-knacks on the street!

What's your motto?
"Shit happens." And I say it in all variations.

What's a turnoff?
Pessimism. I'm a glass half-full type of person.

What's your ideal sandwich?
Large turkey on wheat with lettuce, tomato, onion, american & provolone cheese, mayo & spicy mustard, and top it off with extra pepper. BOOM! Perfect sandwich.

goPuff goal?
To be comfortable and confident in my job, and the work I do.