Warner Update
Making a difference, one person at a time
November 23 - December 1
Supporting the Most Frustrating Kids
On my best day as a teacher, I will talk passionately about progressive pedagogy, empathy as the core of a classroom and diverse student needs. I will say I care about every child, the whole child, and am committed to their growth.
And then there are those bad days. The days where within the first two hours of my morning, I’m called a b*** three times. The ones where my perfectly planned learning activity falls flat because my brilliant student just refuses to pick her head up off the desk. The days when the differentiated lesson I designed just for that one student goes on perfectly but that one student’s chair is empty, missing school again. These are the days that push on my best intentions and idealistic visions. These are the days when reality and philosophy collide, and it feels like my challenging students are behind the steering wheel and I’m just along for the ride.
WHAT'S THE ACTUAL CHALLENGE HERE?
Challenging students aren’t that way because they are inherently bad kids or intentionally creating difficulties in the classroom. To borrow a phrase from Ross Greene, “kids do well if they can,” and if they aren’t doing well, it’s because there’s something getting in the way. When I step back and consider the obstacles in my students’ lives -- poverty, trauma, chronic stress -- it makes total sense that they are struggling to communicate, regulate their emotions and make progress on learning.
To me, the challenge about challenging kids is the way that I feel working with them. Interacting with these students can bring up all kinds of emotions: sadness because of their pain, defensiveness if a student is criticizing or attacking me, protectiveness over the other students being disrupted, and even annoyance that my day didn’t go as I planned. All this is made more challenging by the fast pace of the day, and the fact that even on a good day it can be hard to find time to take care of my own needs. But I know that how I react to students, and my ability to manage my emotions, colors every interaction I have. Left unexamined, these strong emotions can lead to burnout.
How do we really feel about our most challenging students? Most of us will say “frustrated” as a first reaction. But after we dig a little bit under the layer of frustration, what’s the next emotion, the truer emotion? I asked a room of educators this question at the Educon conference earlier this year. I heard: Worried. Hopeless. Lost. Powerless. Stuck. Many of us feel a deep sense of responsibility and care for “our kids.” When we see a student struggling and believe that we can’t help, the powerlessness can feel overwhelming. If we don’t do the work to transform that emotion in a healthy way, it can instead become frustration and irritation, and begin to chip away at our empathy.
This frustration infuses all our interactions with and about that student, which in turn communicates a lack of care to the student and family, heightening what may have already felt like an insurmountable wall. We say we believe in every child, care for every child, support every child -- but when we let our challenging emotions fester, we struggle to communicate that to others -- or even believe it ourselves.
I’ve gotten stuck in this trap more than once. It was my student who jolted me out of this cycle when she said, “You don’t really care about kids, you’re just here for the money.” My instinct was to laugh, but I quickly realized that what my student was trying to tell me was that she didn’t feel like I cared about her. I was able to use that moment to let her know that I did indeed care, and we were able to have a great conversation about how teachers can feel frustrated sometimes and how we’re all human. That conversation ended up strengthening our relationship and my work with her.
My most challenging student is not inherently challenging as a human being -- but I need to own that it’s challenging for me to work with them. Once I take responsibility for my own emotions, I am now in a position to transform them.
WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS?
It’s not about not feeling hopeless, defeated and powerless in the face of challenging student behaviors. These are normal responses we can expect to have as humans in relationship with other humans who are struggling. Instead, we need to own the emotions and work to make meaning of them. This means taking the time to dig into questions like:
- Why am I feeling this way?
- Could this feeling give me insight into how my student is feeling?
- What does it mean about me that I feel so frustrated, lost or hopeless? Does it change my conception of myself as a teacher, as a person?
- What do my students’ challenges bring up for me? How does my own history influence my responses?
WHAT'S NEXT?
We will never lose the need for meaning-making, because working with humans will always be inherently complex and bring up emotions. However, there are some proactive things we can do to smooth the path for ourselves.
- Expect that the work will be challenging and that sometimes you will feel awful, and accept that this is a normal part of a human-centered job.
- Find the people, groups or strategies that will proactively support you and will respond to you with kindness and understanding when the going gets rough. This might be nurturing your personal friendships or relationships, strengthening connections with co-workers, my supervisor or other folks at work, or going to my own counselor or therapist.
- Develop understanding. We can better make meaning when we better understand the underlying issues at stake.
- Forgive Yourself: Self-Forgiveness reminds us that we must be gentle with students, offer fresh starts and repair and rebuild relationships.
We all have challenging students. I hope you'll take time on Monday, November 26th to join Mrs. Erin Kreger in our after-school Mindfulness session. It is vital that we take care of ourselves as adults so we can be our best for kids!
NEXT WEEK AT A GLANCE:
Suzanne Gibbs on Nov. 23rd
Laura Smith on Nov. 27th
Cindy Hicks on Nov. 27th
Monday, November 26th: Holiday Musical Practice 9am in the Community Arts Center
Monday, November 26th: MARK your calendars 3:45-4:15ish Mindfulness for Staff with Erin Kreger in the Warner Library
Monday, November 26th: Holiday Musical 7pm
Tuesday, November 27th: 8am SPED Admin Meeting
Tuesday, November 27th: 9am Admin Meeting
Wednesday, November 28th: County Principal Meeting at the ISD 7:30am
Wednesday, November 28th: 8:45 Assembly with grades K-2
Wednesday, November 28th: PLC
- Refocus: Question 1 (What do we want our students to learn?)
- Refocus: Question 2 (How will we know they are learning it?)
- Refocus: Question 3 (How will we respond when they don't?)
This is a great time to slow down and refocus on the essential target(s) for right now.
Thursday, November 29th: Warner Team Meeting 9am
Friday, November 30th: 8am Staff Meeting in Mrs. Smith's room (Please read chapter 2, I'll be sharing a reflection sheet on Monday for everyone to bring with them on Friday.)
* Teachers, please schedule me for an observation before winter break. My only bad days are: Nov. 27th AM
Nov. 28th AM
Nov. 29th AM
Dec. 5 out all day at MEMSPA conference
Dec. 6 out all day at MEMSPA conference
Dec. 7 out all day at MEMSPA conference
All other days are available to schedule me for observations.
Thanks!