MATT FUCKING K
Do you remember...
The Inebriation Station Redeux
Monday, Dec. 28th, 9:30pm
9459 Watchlight Court
9:35 PM - As Vic drives towards the party, he realizes he neglected to invite his longtime girlfriend. He regrets this. Suddenly, as he looks back over the years he's spent avoiding her feelings and complaints, he recognizes his shortcomings. The tears begin to flow. He grips at his wheel and screams, spinning it as fast as he can into the oncoming traffic. He'd show her what she meant to him. He'd show us all. He was 25.
9:45 PM - Chelsea(s) arrive with random jacked dudes with shaved heads.
9:45:01 PM - Chelsea's purse is stolen after she leaves it unattended in a strange place.
9:46 PM - Random jacked dudes with shaved heads that Chelsea(s) brought begin making bizarre, racially charged statements. Refuse to locate missing bag.
9:55 PM - James is found unconscious in housemate's bed. Nude.
10:15 PM - The Bode arrives and, as per his super-bodeinous abilities, begins to turn every liquid his majestic fingers touch into pure, unrefined isopropyl alcohol.
10:30 PM - Steve Fucking Witschey arrives with a brigade of Victoria's Secret supermodels, all slathered in mayonnaise that was purchased in bulk and on sale. They are overcome with lust at Steve Fucking Witschey's manly face, and tear the house apart in search of him. But he's been airlifted by Heff and Hoff to the Playboy Mansion, just in time for the party at the Grotto, where he is the Guest of Honor and Keynote Speaker. His ex-girlfriends weep in agony as they realize the fools they are for having walked away from such a sexual maverick. His male friends realize this as well, along with David Hasselhoff. God damn mother fucking Steve Fucking Witschey.
11:30 PM - Derek arrives as he had to work late that evening, and they needed him to headwait. Chump move, Derek. You'll never get anywhere with that attitude.