Royal Pains

By Leslie Carroll

Who and What

Who? All the gruesomest, foulest royals of ancient times to the eighteen hundereds.

What? Twelve stories of the "brats, brutes, and bad seeds" that used their power for evil.


King John- He ruled England 1199-1216. John, born into a willful, genius group of strategists was, from the very start, a jealous sort of man. After a alliance was formed between John and his brother Henry to kill their father, the king, and take over the throne, John became angry that his father had bestowed Henry with the crown. John spent the rest of his life trying to usurp his brother from the throne.

Vlad the Impaler ruled Romania in 1448, 1456-1462, and 1476. He is responsible for the death of up to a hundred thousand people. The main way in which he slaughtered them is presented in his sobriquet, Vlad the Impaler.

George, Duke of Clarence and Richard, Duke of Gloucester- George and Richard were brothers who needed to work on their sharing skills. Richard, a ruthless judicial murderer, was conspired against four times by his next- eldest brother, George.

Ivan the Terrible- Ivan ruled Russia from 1533- 1583. Following along the lines of a classic psychopath, at a young age Ivan enjoyed watching animals die and had a severe case of paranoia. He was like Vlad in the way he enjoyed a good old torture session.

Lettice Knollys- Lettice, born in 1543 and died in 1634 was her cousin's, Queen Elizabeth of England, doppelganger. More than just looking alike, Lettice wanted to be Elizabeth. And since that was impossible, she settled on stealing her man.


Ezrebeth- Ezrebeth, also known as The Blood Countess, was by far the rottenest egg that has ever hatched. Born into a family of insanity, Ezrebeth surpassed even Ivan and Vlad in her taste for human blood. From cannibalism to literally bathing in the blood of virgins, some of her deeds are to disgusting to recall.

Pauline Bonaparte- This saucy sister of Napoleon was involved in too many scandalous love affairs to count.

Archduke Rudolf- Rudolf was a suicidal alcoholic who lived from 1858-1889. He and his lover, Mary Vetsera, killed themselves in an "act of love" after he gave up his dream of remodeling the Church's power.

Prince Albert Victor- Albert's reputation is soiled because he was believed to be involved in homosexual affairs and was wrongly thought to have a connection to Jack the Ripper of the early 1800s.

Princess Margaret- Countess of Snowdon from 1930-2002. The beautiful Margaret was a believer in true love, but could never find it. Spoiled and vain, Margaret was a heavy drinker and smoker, dying in 2002 after her third stroke.

Bolded words

Royal- relation to a king, queen or other sovereign

Strategist- someone who is capable of planning others next moves esp. in warfare

Alliance- agreement to a truce, usually temporary between two nations

Usurp- to take over thrown by force

Cannibalism- the act of a species eating flesh of it's own kind

Affairs- a married person with a boy/girlfriend

Writen by Clare Gillman