Week 11: Hey Saksen


Baguette-style ones.

Our first changing of the guard in....I'd say 10 weeks came this past week with Joan leap frogging the ELBOWs in the standings and taking first place. The Commish Fave isn't going anywhere though, don't you worry. I'll be harvesting my Chilean salt mines to fuel my Norwegian Sybian, and I will be back for those bewbz.

Lines of the Night

Monday: Zamboners: 2g, 3a, -1, 7pim, 15sog, 22fw, 9hit, 3blk, 1.88gaa, 30sv, .938sv%

Tuesday: Joan Smoothers: 2g, 6a, 9pim, 4ppp, 28sog, 21fw, 16hit, 16blk, 1.44gaa, 56sv, .949sv%

Wednesday: Fiber Frenzy: 2g, 2a, +3, 1ppp, 5sog, 2fw, 7hit, 1blk

Thursday: CatPasey: 2g, 5a, -1, 10pim, 1ppp, 27sog, 37fw, 10hit, 9blk, 1.00gaa, 31sv, .969sv%

Friday: The Malkin-g Dead: 3g, 2a, +1, 6pim, 3ppp, 20sog, 7fw, 10hit, 10blk, 2.89gaa, 21sv, .875sv%

Saturday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 7g, 5a, +9, 4pim, 2ppp, 37sog, 54fw, 11hit, 10blk, 1.64gaa, 69sv, .958sv%

Sunday: The Malkin-g Dead: 2a, 2ppp, 10sog, 4fw, 4hit, 15blk

Week 11 Matchups

Saksen is coming (Beast 9, ELBOWs 3):

Saksen took his greatsword Bonereater and really carved up my butt hole to the tune of 9-3. But you know what they say - "what is dead can never die, but comes back harder and stronger. Especially harder. And hornier. Like a Greek porn star. All day. #winston".

Mike took advantage of having a seemingly neverending arsenal of players each day, including five fucking goalies to my one. And with my unbelievable anti-lineup nirvana surrounding Alfie and Wayne Simmonds, there was no catching him. When you find yourself fishing for a Bryzgalov streamed shutout, you know you're in a bad place. Until next time, Dr. Muffintop.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum punch each other silly with no result (Droplets 6, Pasey 6):

In a shocking turn of events, neither Pat nor Ryan could finish each other off in the Battle of the Bongs. Right now they're in Tahoe sipping on Johnnie Walker Blue Label and smoking only the stickiest of icky, so good for them :D

Hey Ryan....maybe you should take a peek at what's in the closet in the double-bed room ;) Or maybe up on that little table in Club Loft, under the blankets ;) Or ANYWHERE

How to Skin a Cat: Part 7

The cat was on the hot tin roof this week against powerhouse Addison and his army of whitewalker erections. Brian took all the goalie stats, secondaries except for face offs, and nearly all primary offense. Brown's silver lining is taking PIMs from Bad Boi Brian, but being the victim of the Desk Pop is nothing to brag about. We can all relish in Brown's current misfortunes, but we should also keep in mind that we should never wake a sleeping cat. Because as the age-old axiom* goes:

"Give a cat a beer, he will ruin your night. Teach a cat to drink, and he will haunt you for the rest of your life."

One step forward, five steps back for Charlie's playoff run ;p (Dead 7, Bonerz 4):

Lolz ;) Austin took it to Charlie's naspy face this week with a gritty, multi-pronged victory. I would dare say that Cubicle Captain had something to do with it, and if you're snap chat phrenz with Austin you know what I'm talking about. The unfortunate side of the victory is that it came at the cost of Hertl, who got kneed by that fucking mouth-breathing troglodyte Dustin Brown last Thursday.

Paul Stastny was the top scorer for the Zamz (2g, 3a, 36fw), and eight goalie starts later Charlie still couldn't find that shutout. You keep chuggin along on that playoff run Charlie, you keep chuggin along ;)

Frenzy all out of fiber fuel; PewpMachine oiled up and ready to fuck, been ready to fuck (NeonDion 7, Frenzy 5):

This has been deemed Commish Ged's Matchup of the Week, and was notable for Pete's Sunday heroics. Normally we know Pete as the manager who can't quite wake up in time to set his lineup for the east coast games. However, in a shocking turn of events, Pete displayed some expert lineup-setting skills on Sunday: heading into Sunday's matchup, Pete basically just needed to overtake Chris in saves in order to win. To ensure this, Pete picked up Eddie Lack, knowing full well that Luongo would get lit up by Winnipeg. Sure enough, Luongo gets pulled after 6 shots, and Lack comes in to get another 15 and secure the victory.

Pete has now earned the first ever "Michael Planningaheadstad" award for finding sassy and inventive ways to plan ahead. Congratulations to Pete on his Nordic organization!!!!

Week 11 Awards

Waiver Wire Wizard: NeonDion PewpMachine

Michael Planningaheadstad: NeonDion PewpMachine

Goalies Best
: Hot Ice Beast, Joan Smoothers,

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades: CatPasey, Dangleberry Droplets, Fiber Frenzy

Tight BuTThole: NeonDion PewpMachine

Bieber Fever: NeonDion PewpMachine

Desk Pop: Joan Smoothers

Sherriff of Nottingham: Joan Smoothers

Domesticated: Everyone knows that the holidays are a prime time for domestication time, and boy have the domestication elves been busy hammering away at this week's award!! We have our first ever shared Domestication Award this week, with four managers taking home the Golden Apron:

1st place: Zamboners: No surprises here! Charlie and his better half stole away to Breckenridge for a Couple's Retreat this past weekend, and if you got the snap chat videos, you could tell that this trip was chock-o-bock full of domestication. Not pictured: a) Charlie rubbing Melissa's feet by the fire, b) Hot cocoa in bed while watching reruns of One Tree Hill

2nd place: The Cat's Meow: Not to be outdone, Matt followed closely behind Charlie this week with his own brand of better home and gardening. Where Charlie is more avant-garde in his domestication, Matt likes to keep it traditional (note the tasteful, expert wrapping!). Not pictured: Joey in an elf costume.

3rd place: Hot Ice Beast: Mike and Jess got a dog - classic domestication, but this drops to 3rd place because they're actually married (not fake married, like Charlie and Melissa). I was going to give this 4th place, but when I heard that they named the dog 'Lyra' per Jess's insistence, as opposed to Bonestorm (the name Mike has been planning for his first dog since his undergrad days), I had to shed a tear. Also, the origin of the name 'Lyra' is mysterious and hotly debated. Not pictured: open-palm slaps

4th place: CatPasey: And Patty Cakes is on the board!! Sorry Pat, but an instagram pic will always get you an award. Too adorable, and #happyholidays indeed ;D. Not pictured: Shutting up

Week 12 Predictions

THAT IS NOT A Cat: I've already carried over my epic Simmonds - Alfredsson anti-nirvana from last week into this week, so once again I have a bad feeling about this. Fuck my butt. Meows 7, ELBOWs 5

Dangleberry Beast: Hmmm, Ryan bunkered up in Tahoe with his garrison of cannabis + hand stuff in Club Loft with the Commish vs. Saksen at work rosterbating? I'll take Saksen by a peen. Beast 7, Droplets 6

Malkin-g Smoothers: Austin is on a bit of a roll, but too hobbled by injuries. The BriChi Train cannot be stopped..yet. Joan 8, Dead 4

Frenzy of Bonerz: Chris in Tahoe is even worse than Ryan in Tahoe. Zamz 8, Fiber 4

NeonPasey: I guess I'll go with the clean sweep of the current Tahoe crew. Pewp 7, Pasey 5

Haz a happy noo yeer, haz phun n b safe,


*copyright Pete Shenkin