Week 15 Fantasy Baseball recap

Give me a break!

The intro...

Hello all,

I hope you all had a nice All-Star break, a needed respite from the daily fantasy baseball grind. I'm rocking the NYC skyline as the background this week in honor of the Big Apple, which hosted the festivities this year.

Unfortunately the All-Star break led to this funky two-week matchup that seemed to go on forever, but maybe that's just because I got my ass handed to me the whole time by Aaron. At least the two-week slog did have a bright spot when Pete pulled the boner move of the year in sitting Lincecum during his no-hitter. Meanwhile, Jesse padded his first-place lead and reverted back to the Taco name that has brought him such success, while Sean also changed his name in honor of a Giants pitcher who just loves to grab the titties of women unconscious on hospital gurneys. That is my favorite story ever, so much so that I changed my team name in my other league in honor of it like Sean did here.

Ok, let's get this started...

Dan vs. Aaron

pay that man his money
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He byeat me, straight up. Pay that myan his myoney.

I can't even front and claim Aaron got lucky...he dominated me in a lot of categories, so the Shits deserved this win. Hell, I knew I was in for a rough week on the first damn day when my guy Joey Votto had a go-ahead homer stolen at the wall by another one of my guys, Carlos Gomez. You've got to be shitting me...come on guys, you gotta work together for the Fist Pigs! Things got out of hand fast on the first Wednesday. Four homers and a .400+ average for Aaron's dudes that day? Just RUDE. They kept it going the whole time, finishing with well above a .300 average, led by a ridic 9/4/8/.342 line from Adam Jones, a 6/4/9/.350 line from Adrian Beltre and 3 jacks from Andrew McCutchen. But really, even average hitting stats would've beaten me, my team was terrible this week. My lone offensive category win was steals thanks to three each from Everth Cabrera and Carlos Gonzalez.

Aaron's biggest stat was easily saves...he had already tied the league record on Friday of the first week and easily set a new mark even without the extra few days of a second week. EIGHTEEN saves? You gotta be kidding me! Jim Johnson had a ridiculous FIVE while Uehara and Betancourt had four each...Betancourt just went on the DL with appendicitis though, so no more saves for him for a while. Meanwhile, I had easily more saves than every other team this week besides Aaron but couldn't come close to keeping up...my guy Huston Street on the Padres didn't even have a save CHANCE for 29 days! Par for the course lately for my Padres AND my Piggies. The Shits also had impressive ERA and WHIP numbers, especially considering the number of innings pitched. A couple of your stalwarts like Scherzer and Shelby Miller were actually the weak links, while dopes like Teheran, Corbin and Liriano gave good contributions. I was able to salvage the WHIP stat on Sunday to make the final margin a little closer, but still, all in all just a major reaming of the Piggies...well done sir.

Jesse vs. Oscar

Matt Harvey Asks New Yorkers About Matt Harvey
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Delta Ducks dominate, Oscar obeys

Busy week for Matt Harvey. First he said "Hey, check out my love glove" but no one was really impressed. In fact, people didn't even know who he was when he was talking to them (see video above). Then as the All-Star Game starter, he tried to commit Taco-on-Taco violence by beaning Cano in the knee. Luckily, no serious injuries resulted, but it gave Jesse quite a scare. Jesse sat Harvey for some reason on Sunday, but didn't really need his stellar (as usual) performance as he easily won 4 of the 5 pitching stats. Justin Masterson (who almost threw a no-no Sunday) and Gio Gonzalez led the way with sub-2.00 ERAs and double digit K's. Oscar had too many shitty starts to keep up and was missing his top ace, Darvish, who was on the DL. Oh well.

In the home run derby, Cespedes finally got a national stage to show everyone his Yoenis and put on a damn show...it's too bad none of those counted though for the Tacos. In fact, he even apparently tweaked his wrist during the derby and missed the rest of the week. That's unfortunate. Jesse didn't particularly need him though, since Hanley Ramirez continued laying waste to human life with a 7/3/11/1/.350 line this week. He had seven other guys hit homers to win that stat, while Oscar edged him in runs despite only two from Brandon Phillips, who put up a bizarre stat line this week. Just those two runs, no homers and a .275 average, but FOURTEEN RBI?? That's nearly half the Roiders' total for the whole two weeks. Weird. Anyways, Jesse easily dispatched Oscar, and remains the cream of the crop in the league.

Niko vs. Pete

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Pete pulls best boner, Lincecum languishes

Pete has pulled some boner moves this season, but this takes BONER OF THE YEAR award, hands down. What good reason is there to bench Tim Lincecum against my shitty Padres except that you're a goddamn derelict that can't spend five seconds out of your busy day of doing jackshit in Maui to look at your lineup?? There is no excuse. Timmy sat on the Show-Me's bench while he threw a no-hitter, and Pete should be ashamed of his idiocy. With those types of brains behind the Yoenises, they were no match for Niko, who had a ridiculous amount of wins, including three over the two weeks from King Felix. Zack Greinke is also KILLING it since being traded to the Nancies...his complete game shutout on the first Saturday actually featured less baserunners (and therefore a better WHIP) than stupid Lincecum's no-no on the same day.

Chris Davis continued roiding at a ridiculous pace, adding four more jacks this week, but had a shitty average (same with Edwin's 3 jacks and .200 average). That allowed the Nancies to squeak by with a .002 margin for the matchup. Shin Soo Choo was a top performer for Niko with a ridiculous 11 runs, two steals and a .439 average. Giancarlo Stanton added two homers and also flexed some muscles in this hilarious picture that features a torrent of liquid spraying from his crotch. The ESPN Body Issue never disappoints for awkward pics of naked athletes. Speaking of comedy, Jose Reyes had a pretty good week with a .333 average and 4 steals, but also got hit in the dick on a pickoff attempt today. That can't feel good. Niko will take the win though no matter how many nutshots his guys take, and is now thiiiiiis close to getting above .500. We'll see if he can do it next week.

Eliot vs. Sean

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Heavy hitting helps Gropers grab tie

Every now and then, Sean's Giants will all have a crazy good week and he'll briefly look like a genius for taking all those losers. This was one of those weeks. The Gropers swept all five hitting stats thanks to a lot of the SF guys, including a 7/2/11/.425 stat line for Posey and good contributions from the others. Kyle Seager was the MVP for his squad though, putting up 11 runs and 3 jacks. The lone bright spot for Eliot was Miggy Cabrera being all-world as usual with three homers. Unfortunately for him, Puig actually did have some lingering effects from that crash into the wall two weeks ago and didn't really do shit this week while missing some games too. Not ideal if the Bays want to be competitive.

This matchup ended in a tie because Sean's pitchers were god-awful. Matt Cain also sucked majorly, lasting just 2/3 of an inning in one start (he did get a win in a middling start this Saturday). Cain's ERA is exactly 5.00, which is very pleasing to me as a Giant hater. You should have picked up your team's namesake, Chad Gaudin, who actually has pitched really well since news broke about his...unfortunate incident. For Eliot, Strasburg got absolutely rocked (7 runs in 2 innings) in the first week of the matchup and it was by the MARLINS. They're a glorified AAA team, so that's no good. Luckily for the Puigs, they picked up their game by the end of the matchup to sweep all five pitching stats. CJ Wilson had 2 wins and a 0.59 ERA. Both these teams have a lot of work to do to get back into contention though...Eliot is hanging on by a thread to the last playoff spot, while Sean is probably too far gone to get into the postseason. So far gone you might as well just lie down and pass out on a gurney and let Gaudin have his way with you. That's the way he likes it.


DAN VS. SEAN (season series: 2-0 Dan)
12 straight wins, then three weeks in a row without a dub? Come on! But then, like a starving man wandering through the desert, I have come to the oasis that is another matchup with Sean, whose ass I skunked the last time around. But will the oasis be a mirage? My 10-0 slapfest in Week 9 came despite some seriously shitty hitting (.249 avg, less than 30 runs and RBI)...I have a feeling this one will be more like our Week 2 battle, where I needed a big weekend to pull out a narrow 5-3 win. If I lose to the hapless Hammerheads, it might be time for some serious self-reflection, but I don't think that'll happen. Prediction: Me, 6-3.

JESSE VS. AARON (season series: 2-0 Jesse)
Similar to the previous two matchups between these two, as well as the heated cornhole games they played while tailgating last weekend, I expect this battle to be back-and-forth but ultimately going Jesse's way. Aaron brought the wood on offense both weeks, but somehow lost runs, HR and RBI in Week 2 despite going 36/11/34. He also lost SB's by a single steal each time, so might try to shore that up on the waiver wire this time around. The Shits can't possibly match their save output from this week, but still should hold on in that stat against Jesse. Nevertheless, I think the Tacos will edge out the ratio stats and maintain their firm grip on the top spot. Prediction: Jesse, 6-4.

NIKO VS. OSCAR (season series: 1-0-1 Oscar)
The usually rambunctious Roids offense has actually been pretty quiet in the previous two matchups with the Swansons. However, after dropping the hammer on me in Week 14, I have nothing but respek for Oscar's PED power and think he'll bring it this week. However, Niko could take advantage of the Roids' shall we say...lackadaisical supervision of his roster and overtake him in other counting stats, especially on the pitching side, where Oscar's bunch only managed three wins COMBINED in these guys' previous two matchups. That is no good. This one could end up tied like the Week 9 matchup, but I think Niko's bunch of Nancies squeak it out. Prediction: Niko, 5-4.

(season series: 1-0-1 Pete)
Pete somehow has managed to have ERAs above 6 against Eliot in both Week 2 and Week 9, which is really hard to do unless you suck badly at fantasy baseball. Somehow this boner managed to win one of those weeks and tie the other because Eliot's middling squad couldn't step up. The Puigs (or whatever the hell their name was back then) couldn't manage even one damn pitching win in Week 9. The Show-Mes did show their stuff on offense that week with 39 runs, 10 jacks and a .339 average, but probably won't match those heights this time around. Though the Puigs' namesake has cooled off somewhat lately, I think he'll get back in the swing of things and lead Eliot's squad to a win. Plus, Pete's playing me in our other league this week, so he'll probably hardly look at this one while rosterbating himself into a frenzy over there. Prediction: Eliot, 7-2.

Were last week's predictions right? 1-2-1 (28-22-6 for the year, not my best week picking, oh well)

Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time

So last weekend we had our little tailgating hootenanny before Saturday's A's/Red Sox game. Jesse was in rare form, smoking a cigar and refusing fancy microbrews in favor of Negro Modelos. Aaron, my wife and I made up the rest of our small gang. Many a game of cornhole was played and I was on fucking fire, rolling off six straight wins against these losers, prompting me to rename myself the Juggernaut and refer to myself in the third-person as such for an hour or so. Of course, my hubris was my downfall and Jesse beat me a couple of times including the last game before we closed up shop to go into the stadium. Son of a bitch. The game was pretty good...I had Lester starting but wasn't too distraught he lost since I like the A's and Aaron had pretty much destroyed the Piggies' morale already by that point. The only downer was getting a flood of texts from my asshole Giants fan friends at the end of the game about Lincecum no-hitting the Padres. I hope his stupid arm falls off after throwing all those pitches.

Also, Jesse and I have played some tennis in Golden Gate Park these past couple of weeks. While he has the upper hand right now in fantasy baseball, I definitely am keeping my pimp hand strong on the tennis courts. Jesse has never won a set off of me in the handful of times we've played and didn't come particularly close when we played 10 days or so ago, when I won 6-4, 6-2. Then this week he lost an absolute heartbreaker...he was up 5-2 with a set point and blew it, then had TWO set points up 5-3 and blew those too, and I ended up coming all the way back to win 7-5, then won 7-5 the next set too. He's getting better though, so it's only a matter of time before the Juggernaut falls once again after flying too close to the sun.

On that note, I'll be out of town most of this upcoming week since my sister is getting married next weekend, so if anyone else wants to take over recap writing duties, they are more than welcome. Otherwise it might be a little late next week.

Toodles bitches,