Week 2: penis. and poop.

yea I'm 28

Q: What's more annoying than playing fantasy sports with Dan?

A: Being a part of the 10-way, 100+ message per day Late Night text thread........with Dan.

Who signed off on that? Because it wasn't me. That fucking relentless gang bang called a group message was a worse idea than sitting me and Cheese Tits next to each other on a Hawaiian Airlines flight. But thank you all for the play-by-play of every Thursday, Sunday, and MNF game. The next time you sign me up unwillingly for something, at least make sure that I haven't had a percocet and a cyclobenzaprine first.

Week 2 franchise-wide stats:

  1. Tier 1 average: 137.3
  2. Tier 2 average: 141.2

Weird ;p

To be honest, the only football I was able to watch this week was the second half of the 69ers game on account of being out of town, so pardon me if I'm not well caught up and my football knowledge is even less impressive than usual. When I checked the league page today, though, I was pleasantly surprised to find that a) I won, and b) there were some wily antics over the weekend.

Nothing is safe in Tier 2. Especially the sex.


Ged finds the Horn of Winter and puts it right in Jess's butt; finds Mike's tongue (Manginas 134, Vag Attack 132)

Jess is so cute. Oh what five hours and twelve minutes can do.
Each of us had some pretty unforgiveable performances, but none was worse than Kaep'n Krunch going all anti-beast mode against the Seacocks. And whew, at least Richard Sherman didn't squeeze in his 15 minutes of TBS, amirite? That would've just put me over the edge. Luckily I had the Denver defense making up for Eli's fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, and Ahmad Bradshaw stepping up as number one back WASSSSUUUUPPPP!!!! Jess, needed Andy Dalton to get at least 18 points on Monday night, and he obviously failed to do that. Because he sucks. Just like your wide receivers, Jess. I beat you with two goose eggs, and no, I am not proud of that. What I AM proud of, however, is the fact that I've completed more vet school classes than you (that's right - Gen Path nerd). WOOOO!!!! #Manginas>RealVaginas

Steve joins me in the search for that elusive bar of soap (Sandusky 187, Juggs 135)

Zack continues to terrorize the showers with his veiny weenis by putting up the league-high score this week. He also proved the Yahoo! projection morons wrong in this lopsided effort, thanks to Michael fucking Vick (course) and Jordy Nelson. He also showed some flex appeal with Stevie Johnson (17 pts) so good for him ;) Steve was saddled by basically a player at each position, and the Arizona defense failed him miserably. Rodgers put up a very seksi 39 points, but Zack was dipping into that with Nelson. I feel your pain with Gore, Steve; anyone who had a 9er was sorely disappointed. But hey, if Gore used his Wonderlic score instead of his fantasy performance, he'd have double the points.

Does not compute (Chz 170, Kibblz 123)

I find all of this very humorous. The Robin Hood Award this week goes to Gregory Hinton, everyone (*applause*). I take back everything I said about both your teams last week. Spencer worst. Greg best.

Peyton only met projection with 20 points?!?! WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW SPENCER?? Clearly he favors Sam Bradford, but he might also be a big-time TBS fan - DeSean more than tripled up on those projection munz. I was actually in a Philadelphia airport while this game was on, and thank God I was surrounded by white people. I'm sure everyone outside the airport was up to no good, trying to make some trouble in my neighborhood.

Le Sigh (Eskimo 99, A-Shway 134)

Kyle I really thought you had a good thing going, then you become the second sub-100 team of the year. With only four players to reach double digits this was pretty easy for Austin. Best performances for the E-Bros came from Matt Ryan and LeSean; RG3, Chicago, and Beast Mode for Austin. With this loss Kyle drops down to 6th below me thanks to the point differential. Austin heads to third place and is still Asian.

The Silent Professional claims another victim (Hate 171, Schme's 127)

Omar is quietly creep, creepin into 'elite' territory with his second straight win and respectable points tally. But ruh roh, don't look now; Vernon is right on track for another season like last year. I tried to warn you, VD is playing with fire. I learned it the hard way, and look at me now - I'm stuck in the seventh circle of Tier 2 for eternity. I hobbled through with 1s and 2s from Vernon last year, but hopefully you don't make the same mistake. Shane had a less than enthusiastic week from Easy Breezy / Powder Puff McGee QB tandem, and his WRs didn't do anything. Knowshon was Shane's best player with 22, and couldn't get anything going otherwise.

Week 3 Projections

Mangina Cheese: I like my odds this week; I think my upswing will meet with your downswing and they will make sweet sweet Enyaweh beneath the Home Tree. Mangina 142, Tatas 130

Vaginal Sandusky: Zack your reign of terror must come to an end. Jess will bounce back from the bitterest of defeats to reclaim her position as alpha bergina. Hubris 155, Jerry 144

Kibbles and Eskimos: I really don't know what to say about this one. Kyle I think you can bounce back, and the underdog will prevail. Bros 136, Vick 133

Pokemon Hate: This will be a sassy matchup, ninja vs. ninja. Vernon's got the hammie injury, and Redman got his bell rung. Could this mark an early downfall for Omar? Pikachus 160, Don't 149

Schmeggernaut: We have our first clash of the cellar dwellers. Coin toss sayssss....Shane. Sorry Steve. Schme's 148, Juggernaut 139