Baseball Bonerland!

Draft Review: The Sacramento and Davis Penis Light Bridgade

Season Preview Part Deux

Look at these gals, strutting their stuff, walking around wearing jean shorts, all dolled up in their heels, holding a chelada like they DON'T want to get railed later in the john.


They do. They always do.


Or sleep on the john. That's what I prefer.


Also, because S'More has changed their billing policies it looks as if I will no longer be using it. I DO have some sexy alternatives up my sleeve but it looks like that will show itself for parts 3 and 4 of the season preview, and the week 2 dish.


The Week 1 dish is below.

Bunjamming Peenhaven: Joe Arpaio's Finest

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Turns out Ricky Martin's husband is also named Carlos Gonzalez...so this is pretty much the most embarrassing photo I could find. Classic metaphor for Ben, though.

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I think Ben's roster is really easy to attack for being stupid. (1) CarGo is soooo fucking notorious for pulling up lame and battling little baseball-player-only injuries, and then missing a month. Also, the Rockies perennially suck balls so you can usually count him and Tulo out of September playoff baseball for your fantasy club. (2) Then his second pick was Scherzer who, yes, was dominant, but was so outrageously lucky in his win/loss record that it is likely impossible to repeat. Further, he was showing signs of fallibility at the end of last season. Like all hard throwing winning pitchers, the end is near! Then, (3) comes along in the "no way he did it a-fucking-gain category of GianCarMike Stanton. I don't need to review this for all of you because we all thought the same fucking thing. When Yahoo! said "Field of Wet Dreamz selects Giancarlo Stanton" I swear to god I think the other eleven of us all slapped our foreheads and said "not again!" Then at (4) theres little pussy bitch Greinke, and (5) Adrian "Only getting older and more grizzled mexican" Gonzalez. Like I said, there's a lot to make fun of here. FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLDDDDDDD.


For some reason, I like CarGo this season. I bet he and Mike Stanton do a lot of damage for Ben. Yet, as we aaaallll know neither of these dudes cracked 500 at bats last season. So, there is a very real chance they could put up almost identical numbers from last season. That probably won't get Ben into the playoffs alone.


But I like the angles Ben came at from later in the draft. I like Uehara at #78, Latos at #91,Hardy at #102, and Shields at #115. Plus, he already has solid starting pitching from Schzerer and Greinke at the top of his draft order.


That being said he has a few turds on this roster like Dexter Fowler, Daniel Murphy, Corey Kluber, and, yeah, Ben Zobrist. I don't get why people freak out about the guy. He didnt do a lot for me last year as the Rays have become a team reliant on their defense to generate run differential.


I think Ben has a decent roster, I think he's another contender for the playoffs but he sinks and swims with CarGo and Stanton.


Prediction: One of the CarGo Stanton duo survives to play the majority of the season and Ben treads water. Playoffs or not will depend on his ability to work the waiver wire. I think he sucks at that aspect of fantasy still, and nay: CONSOLATION BRACKET FOR YOU.


I'm still down for giving your hot peen a pull or two, though.

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Players with 20+ bombs:

80+ RBIS:

80+ Runs:

15+ Steals:

.280+ Average:

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"Hitting: I only like two things about Ben's offense, Stanton and CarGo. Gattis won't survive a full season at catcher. Fowler wont hit outside of Coors (check the splits, dog), and daniel murphy will be on waivers by week 2. I suppose Zobrist is also a minor bright spot provided Ben keeps him at 2b or SS.
Pitching. Rock solid SP. Latos just got hurt, so that might set Ben's staff back a bit, but otherwise this is a really good group of starting pitchers that won't have trouble competing in the pitching categories each week. RP, fairly good, but don't expect Soriano to finish the season as the Nat's closer."


"Ben will be dropping prodigious kawk in steals, and with twin veiny towers of power in Miami and Colorado Ben will compete across the counting stats. May not dominate with average, probably middle of the pack. 3 strong starters and a deep bench bode well for pitching stats, but I'm not sure Soriano is gonna get Ben where he needs to be for saves."


"Honestly, I like this team a lot. Good hitting, good pitching. Playoff team for sure."

Dawktor Frankenpinch McPoopestad: Viciously Attacking Rear Ends

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Chilling on Vacation, much like Ged. Can't wait to see how Hinton manages his team for May.

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Not included in this draft lineup is the aforementioned Greg "Touch of Playoffs" Hinton, who so famously filled in for the honeymooning Saksen late last season and reignited his run to the bridesmaid. Ged will likely do the same thing for the entire month of May when he is off frolicking around Europe by himself and the rest of his swing-dancing Hitler Youth troupe. No, seriously, he likes Italy because of the coffee and not because he feels a proclivity towards countries that pay attention to things like scooters, cafes, and huge plates of pasta and less attention to things like feelings, cardiac health, and racial issues. Also, Ged is def not traveling to Europe as an excuse to read GoT on a train all day.


Ged's best pick obviously came at #123 overall when he drafted the salt of his earth Coco Crisp. Praise be Coco, praise be 20 bombs from the leadoff, praise be Oakland, praise be Crogans, praise be praising.


Seriously though, Puig at #22? I owned this dude last year and he was meh. Yes, he has all the excitement of a Cuban baseball version of DeSean Jackson (yes, I went there), but he has several issues about him. His makeup, his willingness to listen, his pitch selection, and his health are all in question for him. Like Yoenis Cespedes, I don't see these things getting better, though Puig has a MUCH better average and likely always will. I still don't see Puig contributing for the entirety of a season and I don't see him hitting more than 25 honrun's. A 25 bomb center fielder with a .300 average is good and all but you just drafted Andrew McCutchen in the first round and then you drafted Coco later. So, estoy confusado sobre esto. Then, because you didn't pick a power hitter in the first seven rounds you had to draft UGH Pedro Alvarez in the 9th. Dislike your strategery.


Yeah, the more I look at every one of your picks I grow to strongly dislike your roster and can't believe you did it again. Phone a friend! Matt Cain should have a near-rebound year with all the rest he got last season and he's a good player. David Price is an ace but had a down last year, AJ Burnett is gonna be done playing for a shitty Phillies team, and Verlander is Verlander except for last year when he wasn't.


I like your Reddick pick, he should hit 30 bombs again so long as his wrist stays healthy post-surgery and he stops having horrible pull-heavy at-bats. Like Ben, you need to pick up some help on the waiver wire. I am officially starting the "Mike Napoli for Adam Dunn" waiver move clock. I give 3 days, TOPS.


Prediction: Conso bracket, bottom of the standings...WHOA HINTON comes along and totally redoes Geds roster for him all May giving Ged four extra wins and a way more balanced roster. Mystery wildcard, I think Ged eeks out losses in the last few weeks when he has started medschool and is DMSD'ing (that's shorthand for "Dog, Med School, Dog") his way around our conversations. Back to the conso bracket, but it's closer now.


Odds Ged fires himself as manager, removes the "interim" label from Greg's position title, and moves to upper-management midseason?: no bet, 100%.

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Players with 20+ bombs:

80+ RBIS:

80+ Runs:

15+ Steals:

.280+ Average:

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"Starting pitching Justin Verlander and David Price, Studs, period. If Verlander can do what he did the last two months of the 2013 season batters are in trouble Price on the other hand has not had the extreme ups and downs the the Tigers ace has had. Then there is Wacha interesting to see if he will be the ace that he is made out to be. Then there is Yady, Cutchen and Napoli, who is currently on the bench says alot about the strength of his team."


"Lots of boom or bust risk potential, like the gambles though. Ged's rocking a ton of power, no speed, and a quality, albeit bare bones pitching staff. Price looks good but if Verlander/Wacha/Burnett regress, that's gonna cause some major depth problems. "


"Got some decent power in that lineup, it seems like a lot of secondary hitting- no monsters but plenty to go around. On offense, one of those teams that can get some bounces and actually do some damage, or not get them and be an afterthought. The pitching is also kind of a wildcard, at first glance you see a lot of bigger names, but there are question marks around all of them. Is Cain going to bounce back? Is Verlander done dominating? Is Wacha the real deal? What will Santana end up doing? Will Ged ever beat a single person in saves?"

Cuddly McTooCutes: The Matt Brown Draft Bungle Phenomenon

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DANCING BABY TIME

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Sit down children, and let me tell you a tale. A tale of a young child who once won a few trophies and (depending on your definition of going 2-10 and then winning a bullshit championship in a 6 team league) reached the top in three fantasy sports*. And what did this child do? He started looking the mirror and loving the curve of his own smile, the crumbs in his own teeth, the dandruff on his own eyebrows, and the plaid on his Old Navy leisure suit. And that child, loving his own love for himself right back with even more love, took his self-satisfaction to new heights. And then, sadly, he got way too fucking cute. He started waiting until the 10th round of fantasy football drafts to select washed-up shitty quarterbacks. He started drafting back to back goalies in the first and second round of the hockey draft. While he may have loved Ray Rice, Chris Johnson, Terrelle Pryor, Pekka Rinne, and Henrik Lundqvist, and himself, his teams were absolutely terrible and last place losers, embarrassing even the most self-loving of selfs.


So it is, that I wish this one to be as well.


Well, we all know Mike Trout is pretty fucking good. UGH. Course he gets him with the #2 overall pick. Lucky piece of shit. Can his numbers get any better? We will find out but he doesn't have the natural agility of Rickey Henderson (white dudes from New Jersey tend to lack that natural athleticism of black dudes from Oakland who were once heralded as 'the running back of the decade' in High School, compared to fuckin Walter Payton) so I am betting the stolen bases decline and he starts hitting more bombs. But he's like 5'11" so he better not get too power happy, cuz Dan Uggla called and he said shit doesn't look good when you start swinging for da fences foreverzzzz.


Freddie Freeman is a power hitting first baseman, and as a second round pick thats some stability that you need (ugh) and this draft is plenty rich with pitching. Strasburg is a good first pitcher to take as matt perpetually chases the donkey of greatness around hoping to catch the point on a craps table between trips to the bathroom. Likewise Alex Rios looks to benefit from hitting in a stacked ass lineup in hitter-friendly Texas. Anybody else notice that Matt is gunning for steals? Course. Eric Young Jr was a nice pickup though. I should have drafted him, I was gunning for him on the wires when I realized he was the NL steals leader last season. I can see the mock drafts helped out there.


Also, I would like to commend Matt for letting his inner gambler take a roll of the dice on Big Papi. Each year he keeps producing, but it keeps getting worse in those knees, and he keeps getting fatter, and probably getting moar stupider n stufz, and one day his big ass is going to take a spill going around first base....and that's all she wrote until the Hall of Fame. SIX, THE POINT IS SIX.....place your bets!


HOWEVER, Matt can't help himself and he has overdosed completely on closers. He doesn't care who they are, what team they play for, black, white, asian, tall, short, skinny, fat, who the fuck cares. The Cat's Meow is the Statue of Liberty of cast away closers. I'm sure that wont catch you in the ass....no, I'm sure it will. Can't wait. Proud of ya, bud.


Also, I am 100% sure George Springer will light it up (relatively speaking, it is the 'Stros we are talking about) for Austin or Brian when he comes up to the Majors.


Prediction: Matt makes the playoffs. No repeat, but this is a good team. And he has a stupid face with a brown plaid hat, but great flo.

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Players with 20+ bombs: 4

80+ RBIS: 5

80+ Runs: 5

15+ Steals: 4 (all with 30+, better not get injured or you're fucked)

.280+ Average: 6

Pricks involved in the procedure: 1. There is definitely one prick involved in this procedure.

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"Daem that's a sick ass logo. But srsly, Mike Trout better get hurt or we're all fucked. Pitching may be a problem? Eh what the fuck do I know."

Chest Hair Ensalada: Wookin Pa Nub In All Da Wong Bawpawks

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"You squeeze the nipples like this..."

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The best part of Saksen's draft is that after he gave himself ample reason to holler "LESSSS GOOO DOYYEERRRSSS" all season long, he was immediately smites by the Karma Police of The Britannia Arms (sore subject, let's move along). We all have seen sports center a hundred times by now, and we all are wondering how bad his back really is. Anything with the back is inherently bad, IMO, but I think this is bad enough that he sits out 6-8 weeks, and waits for it to burst again. They will do everything they can not to open his back up because once they do that it is never the same. Sweet first round pick, tho.


Then, I hate Hanley Ramirez. Brian called me on this week that I hate players with authority problems. It's more than that, though, I hate quitters and people who don't play the game with any respect. HanRam shows signs of maturing as he grows older and less ADHD. Still, this dude throws away at-bats during the summer and is a major health risk. I still can't believe Saksen chose two Doyers in a row. It's cool though because you took Lincecum and Morse in the last few rounds? PSHT. You will not appease your inner fandom. And, even still, Lincecum in the 19th round is retahded. He was even shitty three years ago when Charlie drafted him in like the 5th round!


Saksen did draft himself a duo of sluggers worth noting. Trumbo can rock the cock, even if his average is notoriously horrid, and playing indoors in Phoenix will probably only help his numbers long term. Likewise, Cuddyer in Colorado can fucking hit. He's getting older so there are always durability questions but I snapped him up in another league of mine and I was trying to score him in this league when vulture-ass Ender swiped him.


Looking to return to 2012 form are Aaron Hill and Jason Heyward, both of whom would just as soon forget last season. You can throw Angel Pagan in there, as well. All three of these guys could be huge for Ender if they flash their 2012 form. All three can stick it and Mike has a lot depending on them to do just that. Heyward bothers me the most of the three. He really declined in 2013 even before he got hit in the face, and that's already accounting that he declined in 2012 from 2011. Something isn't right with him, his career seems to be tanking.


Speaking of forgetting, I don't like your pick of Middlebrooks or Morneau. I think you forgot that Morneau was a stinky cheese abortion machine in Pittsburgh at the end of last season.


Likewise, I turn my attention to your pitching staff. After Kershaw, things really tumble down hill, don't they? Cliff Lee is a solid starter but he is still on a complete dogshit squad being coached by the irrationally hard-assed Ryne Sandberg. (Ps, for a complete look at what a turd Ryno is check out his hard-nosed buffoonery with the former MVP J Roll. Apparently, Ryno didn't realize that the Phillies could not just simply deal Rollins and had to play nice once it was kindly pointed out to him. And you wonder why he was denied an MLB job for like five consecutive years LOL). You had a SWEET late round pickup in Soria who was handed the Rangers gig two days after our draft (son of a bitch). And I like Jim Henderson as a strikeout closer. Kenley Jansen- dodgers closer, Glen Perkins, closer on the twins. OHhhhhhhhhh I SEE what you did here again.....playing the ol' Saksen lots of closers roulette. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm, so you draft Lincecum to keep your strikeouts high per week figuring the era of the closer committee and the few starters you have will wash out to be competitive. Typical Ender mcbitchtits. It worked for you last season, and that is the only time in the history of bonerland that it has ever worked. I wish you well.


Prediction: Playoff team, depends on Kershaw and the health of his closer staxxx. If he loses a closer and the ensuing handcuff goes to like Charlie...fucked. I think this is a second round team. Depends on what the Bloomberg App says to do though.

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Players with 20+ bombs:

80+ RBIS:

80+ Runs:

15+ Steals:

.280+ Average:

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But What Do The Scouts Say?

"My ballSAckSon always fun to see a giants fan jump on the dodger bandwagon. Not only does Michael have the number one pitcher in baseball but he has the dodgers closer and their shortstop well played sir. Sucks for him that Manny Machado is on the dl to start the season, which sucks cause hes a stud and will have an amazing sophomore season. The greatest aspects to Mike's team is his player eligibility, well drafted, sir "


"Lol Jason Kipnis. Kershaw + hands on d will get Saksen far (again). But don't worry, Cliff Lee is there to caper his butt hole."


"Overall an underwhelming mix of players, exacerbated by injuries. Very unimpressive starting pitching past Kershaw- I can't see the Dogs winning any pitching matchups until he returns. The comical part is Mr. Dog's insistence that Kipnis and Ramirez are the best fantasy middle infield possible- they are a combined 2/20 with no counting stats to speak of. Oopz. If you made the LaHair-Lee trade again this year you might actually come out on top..."

WEEK 1: These will be shorter while I am still pumping out previews

Charlie Beats Me Yet Again, Sticks go limp

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While the Sticks limped along with the general philosophy of "eh, its week one and I am busy crushing Ged in the fantasy hockey playoffs, Charlies squad narrowly eked by my bitchass.


Really, all the work was done by Charlies pitching staff. Johnny Lester, Adam Wainwright, and Jose "I'm here for political asylum, BITCH" Fernandez dropped major hot peens on my face. As Charlie did his major damage in the pitching categories, that was really all she fucking wrote. Props to MadBum and TimHud for showing up this week.


On offense, I was carried almost entirely by Brandon Belt (YUP) and Brandon Moss (much more tepid yup!). The rest of my team is still on it's way over from Arizona and Florida (243 average? YIKES.). I would like to congratulate prince on his first RBI in over 20 major league games though. I'm starting to worry about him being over the hill.


Charlie had some sweet numbers from Cespedes, Hamilton (see week 2 dish lol), and Matt Carpenter.


It's week 1 so I'll tip my cap, sir. And I'll see you in week 12. HORNY, and looking for more. Also, please pay me dude.

Saksen Finally Blows Himself, Tells Story to All Caged Pets Who Will Listen

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Jesus christ Mike I know you were excited for opening day but save some for the rest of the season. I love the poetic justice in that Mike hit .306 and had 7 steals but Pat did better than that! Haha be better Mike. But you praise Mark Trumbo, you praise his holy name.


In reality, Mike was lucky to escape with a win this week thanks to his enormous luck with wins and losses. 6 wins with your starters and streamers is amazing, not to mention zero losses to Pat's SINGLE loss.


It bothers me that Mike's strategy worked, even for one measly fucking week. I love that Pat got two stolen bases from Goldy, and that Mikes SEVEN stolen bags were only enough if he doubled it.


Finally, I think this is the second year out of three that Pat has gone back to the Chris Sale bandwagon. Mock Pat all you want for never making the finals but dude has always been interested in good pitching.

Ged and Austin Slug It Out Unaware Baseball Already Started (Austin Won)

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Like me and charlie, Geds offense took it slow going this week. Like Ged, Austin's offense too kit slow going this week. Like Ged's offense, his pitching took it slow this week. Unike Austin's offense, his pitchers said "OKAY FINE" but not in an enthusiastic manner, more in like a "Well, I cooked the fucking dinner, prepared the fucking dinner, bought the fucking wine, maaaaaaaybe you could, i don't know, suck my balls tonight?" OKAY FINE FINE FINE.

We've all been there. These things happen. #roommates #bros


Ged kind of got what he drafted this week, some decent production numbers--not stellar--but a terrible batting average. Pedro Alvarez, right? Yaddy and Puigy will provide more for you, and Reddick is so fucking terrible right now he's about to head to triple A. Things will be better for you. David Price, still got that ass though, right? Nothing to panic about yet.


Fucking.Christ.Felix.Bombz. Those are some fat ass numbers boyyyyyyy. After that I almost have nothing worthwhile to write about on your team except that you somehow captured the elusive Jed Lowrie 4rbi week in Week 1! Nice. Somehow your team won, but I feel like this was kind of handed to you. You're going to need to be better to compete.

DAN HAD A KID...and then he got beat down again. Fist Pig year two? mmmmmm

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It gives me SUCH great pleasure to watch Dan's offense resemble a middle school JV layup line. And, it gives me great pleasure to watch Zack's meager offense squeak out a great week against dear old Dad.


Dan, your entire offense produced the bare minimum. Honestly, it was pretty shitty and you don't deserve to be mocked mercilessly for your pathetic roster. I am going to wait until week three or four to really spread it on for how shitty your team is. Francisco Liriano had a sweet week though, I hope your baby boner loves those two starts.


Zack, you had some stuff to write home about. The dueling Blue Jays were impressive. I was kind of pissed you had Melky on your roster the other day when I was looking him up. Joey Bats pulled a typical Joey Bats (6/3/4). Enjoy that through August. It wont continue past that :-* Ditto Matt Kemp. Jordan Zimmerman had a sweet opening week start but I don't think its going to be like that all season. Questions about your roster. Many abound. Like Jim Johnson. Yikes.

Jesus Ben. Just Jesus.

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Paging Dawktor Hot Cock, Paging Dawktor Hot Cock, you are needed back in your squad car for immediate baby wipe detail. I guess I need to drink a glass of horse jizz and shut the fuck up. GianCarMike Stanton dropped just huge penis on my face with 7/2/12/2/345/1061. Backing him up was OF COURSE CarGo. Well, like I said, as they go, so will Ben. Yet, Ben you really need to release some of those hitter and pick up some pitchers. Maybe you and I can mayke sum traydezzz.


Brian? You already saw my Bonerland FB meme about CC. holy shit he looked terrible. He still had 12k's last week and another win. Maybe all is not lost with CC. Saksen Brown and I went dumb at Nation's burgers this weekend, btw, a CC Sabathia favorite. It was pretty good. Speaking of pretty good, Johnny Cueto. He's pretty good. Andrew Cashner, he could be pretty good if he could ever control what he was doing. I still am not sold on him being a permanent roster guy for you. Nice pickup of Nate Jones, though. He was hella good for you in that one appearance before he went on the DL for the foreseeable future. Sweet Toy Story ERA on that guy. Spreadsheetttt errrrorrrrrr.

The Most Snapchatted and ChitChatted Week One Matchup of All Time

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OMG MATT, I know you quit on hockey months ago (because matt quits in last place, everybody!) but JESUS CHRIST I can only handle daily updates from baseball stats from one person at a time. I was getting double teamed Belle Knox (are YOU up on your pop culture porn stars??) style with inane baseball factoids by Dan and Brown. Between ESPN ScoreCenter for every hockey game being played, Dan, Brown, and Clash of Clans I was going to fucking die.


It's not like brown had anything worth going nuts for. Some good numbers for Freeman, Trout, and Rios but it wasn't super bonkerlishuzzz like Ben was. Weak story that you had 60k's but nearly all losses. That should turn around over time. Like I've said, its the first week. Sweet 313 average though. Its very nice.


Oh my darling Josh whom I've never actually met. Can you explain Jonny Peralta's line to me? 3/2/4/.095. WTF. There is Evan Longoria, backing him up dropping hot white cock. I can't mention Miggy every week but he was present and accounted for, paid his bar tab, and will be back to do heavier pounding later on in the season.


Way to win the pitching stats 5-1. A .500 WL normally shouldn't win but against Matts unlucky staff that was enough. Nice stream of Commish Fave Steve Delabar. Tough luck about Matt Moore. I wonder what Masterson will do this season. He was the best pitcher last season for 6-10 weeks and then he totally ran out of gas. Anyways, nice win over Brown. I hope you do that every single time.

Alright, it's late as shit, and I am going to bed. Week 2 will have the next round of previews in it. And it will be a special surprise :):):)