WEEK 4 DI$H
Hittin switchez on bitchez
FANTASY FOOTBALL IS A TOTAL PIECE OF SHIT
But I still love it. I struggle with the fact that when Captain Commish loses the di$h quality is decidedly lacking. Here's hoping I step up my game. If not, blow me I don't work for you. I work for VetCare...in fact I'm at work right now taking what's mine and choppin up some fine china di$h.
I am sick and fucking tired of being bested by the subhuman relegates, they not only beat us in average (as ged's bare bones "dish" noted) their top scorer also destroyed us as Boy Shane Nelson dropped a steaming 205 on Austin's face and butt. Austin was capered ruthlessly for the second week in a row, losing despite having the second highest points. Be better Austin. Pete bested tier I with 184.
Even worse dear old Commish won the golf competition finishing with 111, the worst across both leagues. Mosunic and Mrs. Commish weren't far behind with 116 and 118 respectively. That's what I get for starting Flynn over Schaub. Ewpz. At least I'm hanging onto .500 by a thread.
Ka7bo1 flew way too close to the sun this weekend gloating about some not-football championship no one gives a shit about and was thus smoted by the fantasy gods. Eat my dick fuckface. Your day of reckoning is coming...in week 7.
Lacey keeps losing waaaay out in front of the relegatoin race with ugh nipping at her heels. Matt starting to join the conversation as well.
I am sick and fucking tired of being bested by the subhuman relegates, they not only beat us in average (as ged's bare bones "dish" noted) their top scorer also destroyed us as Boy Shane Nelson dropped a steaming 205 on Austin's face and butt. Austin was capered ruthlessly for the second week in a row, losing despite having the second highest points. Be better Austin. Pete bested tier I with 184.
Even worse dear old Commish won the golf competition finishing with 111, the worst across both leagues. Mosunic and Mrs. Commish weren't far behind with 116 and 118 respectively. That's what I get for starting Flynn over Schaub. Ewpz. At least I'm hanging onto .500 by a thread.
Ka7bo1 flew way too close to the sun this weekend gloating about some not-football championship no one gives a shit about and was thus smoted by the fantasy gods. Eat my dick fuckface. Your day of reckoning is coming...in week 7.
Lacey keeps losing waaaay out in front of the relegatoin race with ugh nipping at her heels. Matt starting to join the conversation as well.
NEWS AND NOTES
You KNOW you want more Eli face. Speaking of which the 'Book of Manning' on ESPN is really fucking interesting, check it out, Commish tested, Commish approved.
Josh Freeman really perfecting his Ricky Williams impression this week. Apparently in addition to quitting and being awful someone tipped the media off that he is in the league's Drug treatment program which would be a huge infraction of confidentiality. Pretty unlikely the team would though as that would make trading him even harder. Either way I dropped him from my team (yes you can laugh at me now).
Darren McFadden at home right now celebrating three plus healthy weeks as an NFL running back. CONGRATS RunDMC!!!
Josh Freeman really perfecting his Ricky Williams impression this week. Apparently in addition to quitting and being awful someone tipped the media off that he is in the league's Drug treatment program which would be a huge infraction of confidentiality. Pretty unlikely the team would though as that would make trading him even harder. Either way I dropped him from my team (yes you can laugh at me now).
Darren McFadden at home right now celebrating three plus healthy weeks as an NFL running back. CONGRATS RunDMC!!!
FACES IN THE CROWD
It's hard to be around Matt on Sundays cuz he's too intense #fundaysleeps
WILD CARD: Jake Locker tops the list again with 18. The former Catfish bench product really made an impact before going down as if his pelvis had shattered.
ANTI-NIRVANA: Flynn for Schaub was decidedly stupid but made no difference. Ugh on the other hand benched Alex Smith's for Eli Manning (?!) and lost because of it. Even relegate Jed made the right call on that one. Across the aisle tho Greg benched Fleener (13) Hunter (10) and Thompkins (18), missing out on 28 points. Nate Washington's 22 on the Jiz bench would have gotten him a win too. Jon's bench would have made a solid team with Rivers (31) Jennings (21) Woods (15) and Clay (10)
DIRK DIGGLER: Drew Brees took his rightful spot on the throne on GBs bye week with 39 inches of fury (which is also his nickname...because he's short...fuck you I'm tired). New Catfish Rivers wasn't far behind with 31.
SHOCKING: Lacey finds herself on the wrong end of fantasy football bukkake, earning another biggest blowout. I believed in you Lacey! You should have had Joe draft better for you.
PERFECTION:
qbs Brees (36) and Rivers (31)
wrs Cruz/Smith/Washington (22) Jennings (21)
rbs Sproles (27) Peterson (26) Bush/Foster (22)
te Gonzalez (22)
flex te Graham (22) wr Dez/Demaryius/Jeffrey (20) rb bush/Foster (20)
def Indy (26)
k Akers (18)
I'm getting really fucking tired of Graham srsly. I have him in one league where I played Brees this week fml.
WILD CARD: Jake Locker tops the list again with 18. The former Catfish bench product really made an impact before going down as if his pelvis had shattered.
ANTI-NIRVANA: Flynn for Schaub was decidedly stupid but made no difference. Ugh on the other hand benched Alex Smith's for Eli Manning (?!) and lost because of it. Even relegate Jed made the right call on that one. Across the aisle tho Greg benched Fleener (13) Hunter (10) and Thompkins (18), missing out on 28 points. Nate Washington's 22 on the Jiz bench would have gotten him a win too. Jon's bench would have made a solid team with Rivers (31) Jennings (21) Woods (15) and Clay (10)
DIRK DIGGLER: Drew Brees took his rightful spot on the throne on GBs bye week with 39 inches of fury (which is also his nickname...because he's short...fuck you I'm tired). New Catfish Rivers wasn't far behind with 31.
SHOCKING: Lacey finds herself on the wrong end of fantasy football bukkake, earning another biggest blowout. I believed in you Lacey! You should have had Joe draft better for you.
PERFECTION:
qbs Brees (36) and Rivers (31)
wrs Cruz/Smith/Washington (22) Jennings (21)
rbs Sproles (27) Peterson (26) Bush/Foster (22)
te Gonzalez (22)
flex te Graham (22) wr Dez/Demaryius/Jeffrey (20) rb bush/Foster (20)
def Indy (26)
k Akers (18)
I'm getting really fucking tired of Graham srsly. I have him in one league where I played Brees this week fml.
FLEX USAGE
RB JC (1) KKK (14) Red (3) TDS (1) FYRB (0) k4t (6)
12-7
WR Ugh (0) Jiz (3) HD (9) DCS (1)
7-10
no TE this week. Praise be.
1-4
12-7
WR Ugh (0) Jiz (3) HD (9) DCS (1)
7-10
no TE this week. Praise be.
1-4
TO THE MATCHUPS...
PENIS VIPER STRONG: KKK dishes out Commish savage victory 164-111: Shizer I felt so good on Thursday, but Frank Gore would be the only bright spot for the Catfish. Joey found the bottom of JC early, often and fiercely this week. When he was done there were no walls left to work. Gates, FJax and Demaryius combined with strong QB play to put Joey way out in front. Other than Gore my only position player to meet projections was Daniels...who beat it by 1. May be time to fry some catfish. WR4 is a problem for everyone and Mohammud Sanu is no exception. Wishful bold prediction epic fail.
CHUCK SENDS JIZ FLYING: TDS kept the pimp hand strong sending a clump of Jiz down the toilet. Very strong play from ALL his rbs and ALL his wrs got TDS over slightly disappointing QB stats and into the win column. Jiz had unsurprising dominance from the QB position and equally unsurprising turds through the rest of his roster. Torrey Smith had a huge week and Boldin was good but it was not enough to make up for Otown's lack of depth. DRich can suck it, told you Charlie :-* BEST BOLD PREDICTION EEEVVVAAAARRRRR
HD POUNDS LACUGH: This one was never close. Both teams had surprise boners from Woodhead and Jeffery, but Pete had the additional throbbing phalusses of KC, Akers and Gonzo share their cheese with DCS. Pete's WRs continue to be truly awful while Bush had a monstrous game and totally will stay healthy and productive all year. Foster finally got back on track for Lace, but BJGE ain't doing shit. As a former Dalton owner I commiserate. Austin did not have a return TD...or any points.
JON FLEXES AND SQUINTS AWAY CAT: Oh wait he's not squinting he's just a wretched slanty. I think the yahoo projections people don't really know who AP is, and same could be said for Mike Wallace. Both performed as expected varying considerably from the projection. Darren Sproles and Dex got real loose for the catz but CJ2K and Ray Rice really prevented a shot at a dub. Cameron was neat but not nearly as neat as Graham, who is seemingly superhuman. Bold prediction...NAILED IT...;(
COMMISH FAVE SQUEAKS BY FUTURE RELEGATE: Thank God red vanquished ugh this week. Both teams left a lot to be desired in the lineup nirvana area. Early season monsters DeSean and Joique really fell flat and the rest of red's RBs got hurt/sucked. Luckily for him a huge day from Cruz (yw) and good outings for the rest of his roster were enough. Ugh's boners were soft for the most part but Knowshon got pretty tumescent. VJax came with his usual turd, I'm sure he'll drop 20 as soon as Dan trades him. Maybe Tebow goes to Tampa and throws 25 slants a game to him? Missed a bold pick but pretty close on the score.
CHUCK SENDS JIZ FLYING: TDS kept the pimp hand strong sending a clump of Jiz down the toilet. Very strong play from ALL his rbs and ALL his wrs got TDS over slightly disappointing QB stats and into the win column. Jiz had unsurprising dominance from the QB position and equally unsurprising turds through the rest of his roster. Torrey Smith had a huge week and Boldin was good but it was not enough to make up for Otown's lack of depth. DRich can suck it, told you Charlie :-* BEST BOLD PREDICTION EEEVVVAAAARRRRR
HD POUNDS LACUGH: This one was never close. Both teams had surprise boners from Woodhead and Jeffery, but Pete had the additional throbbing phalusses of KC, Akers and Gonzo share their cheese with DCS. Pete's WRs continue to be truly awful while Bush had a monstrous game and totally will stay healthy and productive all year. Foster finally got back on track for Lace, but BJGE ain't doing shit. As a former Dalton owner I commiserate. Austin did not have a return TD...or any points.
JON FLEXES AND SQUINTS AWAY CAT: Oh wait he's not squinting he's just a wretched slanty. I think the yahoo projections people don't really know who AP is, and same could be said for Mike Wallace. Both performed as expected varying considerably from the projection. Darren Sproles and Dex got real loose for the catz but CJ2K and Ray Rice really prevented a shot at a dub. Cameron was neat but not nearly as neat as Graham, who is seemingly superhuman. Bold prediction...NAILED IT...;(
COMMISH FAVE SQUEAKS BY FUTURE RELEGATE: Thank God red vanquished ugh this week. Both teams left a lot to be desired in the lineup nirvana area. Early season monsters DeSean and Joique really fell flat and the rest of red's RBs got hurt/sucked. Luckily for him a huge day from Cruz (yw) and good outings for the rest of his roster were enough. Ugh's boners were soft for the most part but Knowshon got pretty tumescent. VJax came with his usual turd, I'm sure he'll drop 20 as soon as Dan trades him. Maybe Tebow goes to Tampa and throws 25 slants a game to him? Missed a bold pick but pretty close on the score.
POSITIONS
Brought to you this week by the eiffer tower...so Joey...how was it?
QB
1) Jiz 207
2) HD 180
3) FYRB 169
4) Ugh 147
5) KKK 140
6) DCS 134
7) Red 124
8) TDS 117
9) JC 105
10) K4t 100
WR
1) RED 187
2) JC and TDS 173
4) KKK 162
5) cat 140
6) DCS 134
7) JIZ 129
8) HD 123
9) UGH 108
10) Bush 99
RB - Strangely enough 4 teams this week scored exactly 44 points from the RB position...weird.
1) HD 150
2) TDS 144
3) ugh 142
4) bush 121
5) kkk 116
6) jc 105
7) cat 102
8) red 94
9) jiz 91
10) dcs 92
TE
1)fyrb 92
2) kat 64
3) kkk 44
4) hd 40
5) jc 35
6) dcs and red 30
8) tds 23
9) ugh 20
10) jiz 5
QB
1) Jiz 207
2) HD 180
3) FYRB 169
4) Ugh 147
5) KKK 140
6) DCS 134
7) Red 124
8) TDS 117
9) JC 105
10) K4t 100
WR
1) RED 187
2) JC and TDS 173
4) KKK 162
5) cat 140
6) DCS 134
7) JIZ 129
8) HD 123
9) UGH 108
10) Bush 99
RB - Strangely enough 4 teams this week scored exactly 44 points from the RB position...weird.
1) HD 150
2) TDS 144
3) ugh 142
4) bush 121
5) kkk 116
6) jc 105
7) cat 102
8) red 94
9) jiz 91
10) dcs 92
TE
1)fyrb 92
2) kat 64
3) kkk 44
4) hd 40
5) jc 35
6) dcs and red 30
8) tds 23
9) ugh 20
10) jiz 5
PREDIXXXXX
KKK meets his match 128-132: I can't believe I'm predicting a win for a man afraid to pay up on his slapbets, but I have Dan taking advantage of some really awkward KKK byes and injuries. Stafford has a dream matchup but injured RBs and Hoyer do not a champion make. Dan will probably be retarded and sit Smith but Blackmon's return will energize his lineup and he'll get enough to get by our leader and eiffel tower enthusiast. Bold prediction: Stafford leads all QBs.
Another unbeaten falls 149-121: Chuck has some tough QB matchups this week while Romo and Cutler should be dropping munz in shootouts. With Gronk possibly coming back Greg has a chance at a huge week. Despite losing Morris to a bye Blount is a serviceable fill-in and Greg rides the Cruz-DeSean touchdown machine to victory. Richardson makes amends for Thursday's blasphemy at Jax but it's not enough. Bold prediction: Gronk sees 17+ targets in his return.
Fantasy god still Jewish 162-158: I was hoping to say I could drop hot fantasy magma all over Petes' face this week but I can't. With my luck all my passing TDs will be to DeAndre and Woodhead. Breesy will easily bore me out with 25+ straight up my asshole and Reggie will make me pay for my unkind words. This game will be decided late as we have 10 players playing in the Sunday night double-headed monster or Monday night. I think Gonzo catches a garbage time TD that sinks me. Bold prediction: Danny Woodhead is the highest scorer on both teams. FML.
Short AP, Jon squeaks past Lacey 122-118: Fitzpatrick against KC's D? That is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Jon's QB matchups don't inspire a ton of confidence either, at least Seattle is on the road. David Wilson has a breakout week which is good because the rest of Jon's RBs are total turd munchers. Lacey's best player will act like it this week as Megatron should get megahard against GB. Her second best player, Foster, will lay a turd a week after finally showing up. Stevie Johnson will see Joe Haden, bu-bye. Bold prediction: Amendola has 5 yards after the catch on 10 receptions. Bold prediction: Amendola has a modest 8 points in his return, outscoring the rest of Jon's WR combined.
Cat scratch fever soothed by Jiz 124-109: Right now Oren doesn't have a starting D. He doesn't need one, Manning at Dallas and Rodgers off a bye week home against Detroit. That seems unfair. Even with the Finley trade debacle Oren's unimpressive lineup will limp to victory behind his torch-bearing QBs. Terrelle Pryor off a concussion isn't gonna get the cats to the promised land. Dez should get his but that's the only matchup that looks good for k4t80i. Bold prediction: Pryor plus Palmer less than Rodgers or Manning.
GO PACK GO!
Another unbeaten falls 149-121: Chuck has some tough QB matchups this week while Romo and Cutler should be dropping munz in shootouts. With Gronk possibly coming back Greg has a chance at a huge week. Despite losing Morris to a bye Blount is a serviceable fill-in and Greg rides the Cruz-DeSean touchdown machine to victory. Richardson makes amends for Thursday's blasphemy at Jax but it's not enough. Bold prediction: Gronk sees 17+ targets in his return.
Fantasy god still Jewish 162-158: I was hoping to say I could drop hot fantasy magma all over Petes' face this week but I can't. With my luck all my passing TDs will be to DeAndre and Woodhead. Breesy will easily bore me out with 25+ straight up my asshole and Reggie will make me pay for my unkind words. This game will be decided late as we have 10 players playing in the Sunday night double-headed monster or Monday night. I think Gonzo catches a garbage time TD that sinks me. Bold prediction: Danny Woodhead is the highest scorer on both teams. FML.
Short AP, Jon squeaks past Lacey 122-118: Fitzpatrick against KC's D? That is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Jon's QB matchups don't inspire a ton of confidence either, at least Seattle is on the road. David Wilson has a breakout week which is good because the rest of Jon's RBs are total turd munchers. Lacey's best player will act like it this week as Megatron should get megahard against GB. Her second best player, Foster, will lay a turd a week after finally showing up. Stevie Johnson will see Joe Haden, bu-bye. Bold prediction: Amendola has 5 yards after the catch on 10 receptions. Bold prediction: Amendola has a modest 8 points in his return, outscoring the rest of Jon's WR combined.
Cat scratch fever soothed by Jiz 124-109: Right now Oren doesn't have a starting D. He doesn't need one, Manning at Dallas and Rodgers off a bye week home against Detroit. That seems unfair. Even with the Finley trade debacle Oren's unimpressive lineup will limp to victory behind his torch-bearing QBs. Terrelle Pryor off a concussion isn't gonna get the cats to the promised land. Dez should get his but that's the only matchup that looks good for k4t80i. Bold prediction: Pryor plus Palmer less than Rodgers or Manning.
GO PACK GO!