Baseball Bonerland Post-Draft Dish

Shut The Fuck Up and Come Down on This Yoenis, pt 2

Since we last met, these guys got fucking paid

"It's about that money, it's about that bullshit. If I'm not making money, I'm cutting checks. If I'm not making records, I'm having sex." - Too $hort

Also, welcome to the wide world of 'Dufner-ing'

Yes, that's PGA tour winner Jason Dufner going full retard in a classroom yesterday in Dallas. Too funny. You'll be seeing this a lot over the next week.
And, for those of you who haven't realized that I snag most of my content from the sports blog Deadspin, here is a nice little dandy by the folks at baseball prospectus about your favorite team and/or sleeper.

pre-season predictions from spreadsheet-land

Fuck You Mel Kiper, pt 2: The Todd McShay Files

Pick Number Five

Pauly D's Stixx: Grenade City :(

I don't really know what to say about my draft. You know when you were taking an exam and you were totally rocking it?
And then realized you weren't? That's how I feel about my draft.


Pauly D's Stixxx

1.(5)Prince Fielder(Det - 1B)

2.(20)Jose Reyes(Tor - SS)

3.(29)Edwin Encarnacion(Tor - 1B)

4.(44)R.A. Dickey(Tor - SP)

5.(53)Ben Zobrist(TB - 2B,SS,RF)

6.(68)Max Scherzer(Det - SP)

7.(77)Mat Latos(Cin - SP)

8.(92)Alex Gordon(KC - LF)

9.(101)Curtis Granderson(NYY - CF)

10.(116)Jim Johnson(Bal - RP)

11.(125)John Axford(Mil - RP)

12.(140)Carl Crawford(LAD - LF)

13.(149)Josh Reddick(Oak - CF,RF)

14.(164)Todd Frazier(Cin - 1B,3B,LF)

15.(173)A.J. Pierzynski(Tex - C)

16.(188)Hiroki Kuroda(NYY - SP)

17.(197)Kevin Youkilis(NYY - 1B,3B)

18.(212)Carlos Ruiz(Phi - C)

19.(221)Corey Hart(Mil - 1B,RF)

20.(236)Rajai Davis(Tor - LF,CF,RF)

21.(245)Jeff Keppinger

So, let me explain myself about what I have done here. I think it's really important that your first round pick be a reliable, healthy, consistent player whom you can build the rest of your team around. I know the fifth pick is where Matt Kemp is supposed to be picked and, yes, I looked at drafting him. Yet, when I look at Matt Kemp I do not see the 2011 superhuman MVP who put up just unfuckinbelievable numbers. I see a dude who cannot stay healthy for an entire season no matter his production when he is healthy. If you recall, Bodow started out just smoking bitches for the first month of the season but then wasn't really heard from again when both Kemp and Hamilton cooled and got hurt. So, then my eye turned to Votto (tepid interest), Cargo (similarly tepid), Cano (intrigued) and Tulo (intrigued). Among them all, I was swayed by Prince's stable numbers: 162 games played three of the last four years (the other year was 161 games played), 30+ homers, 100+ rbis 3 of four years, and he is only 28 years old through the prime of his career with Miguel Cabrera batting behind him and Victor Martinez back in the lineup, I'm really hoping this fat fuck has a monster year.


My second and third picks are a little questionable. I have to admit I suffered from fantasy blindness when I drafted Jose Reyes. He was the best player in fantasy sports hands down for two years. He had a good year last year despite playing for a shitty team in a cavernous park with flying dolphins distracting outfielders. Edwin put up some super bombs last year for the McMena-Dan Harry Sewards (worst team name ever, btw) but his numbers last season doubled his previous career highs. A spike in numbers like that usually SCREAMS fluke season but, hey, he's in the prime of his career so maybe he finally just figured it out. And, he has the potential to improve those numbers with Melk-dog, Reyes, and Joey Bats in the same lineup with him. Fingers crossed.


I am always weary of closers, so it is no surprise that I am deeply suspicious of Jim Johnson and John Axford. It doesn't help that both were mentioned on the ESPN experts list of potential 2013 busts. You know what? Most of my team was on that list. Pretty fucking weak. The same weariness came over me when I was on the clock in the 4th round and nobody had selected RA Dickface yet. I thought he was likely a flash in the pan who couldnt sustain his numbers from last year but Eric Carabell swears up and down that he drafts him every time he has the opportunity to pick him up. I figure if the dude who makes his living with this shit picks him up, maybe I should too. What the hell, welcome back, kid. If he performs as he did last year then my Scherzer, Latos, Kuroda, Dickey, Dempster rotation has some depth to it.


To answer your questions: No, I had forgotten Carlos Ruiz was suspended for 50 games. Frankly, I don't even know why I drafted him. I had some dogshit bench options in my face and I decided to pick up a solid backup solely for his BA. He won't be missed. No, I forgot Corey Hart was injured and out for a while. Ugh. And, YES, I knew Grand-dog was hurt but I value his early summer return to my lineup.


I really hope Carl Crawford does something sooper nast33 this season. I have always really liked him and his game. Certainly, he was good value at #140.


Likewise, I have similarly irrational hopes for Todd Frazier and Josh Reddick. At the very least, Reddick will give me some good reasons to root when I'm O.co.


Players to Watch: Kevin Youkilis, Josh Reddick

Additional offensive depth could push the Stixx in the the post-season. We'll see.

Usher - Scream (Goat Edition)

pick number six

It's amazing what you can find on google these days. Check out the tits behind you. Does she have a Che Guevara tatted on her arm?

LILPEEN: Operation CockDrop


LILPEEN

1.(6)Matt Kemp(LAD - CF)

2.(19)Stephen Strasburg(Was - SP)

3.(30)Yoenis Cespedes(Oak - LF,CF)

4.(43)Adam Wainwright(StL - SP)

5.(54)Gio Gonzalez(Was - SP)

6.(67)Ryan Howard(Phi - 1B)

7.(78)Alex Rios(CWS - RF)

8.(91)Matt Wieters(Bal - C)

9.(102)Chase Utley(Phi - 2B)

10.(115)Josh Willingham(Min - LF)

11.(126)Will Middlebrooks(Bos - 3B)

12.(139)Hanley Ramirez(LAD - 3B,SS)

13.(150)Hunter Pence(SF - RF)

14.(163)Ernesto Frieri(LAA - RP)

15.(174)Addison Reed(CWS - RP)

16.(187)Steve Cishek(Mia - RP)

17.(198)Casey Janssen(Tor - RP)

18.(211)Derek Holland(Tex - SP)

19.(222)Jason Kubel(Ari - LF)

20.(235)Matt Carpenter(StL - 1B,3B,RF)

21.(246)Zack Cozart

Players with 20+ bombs: eight

Players with 80+ RBI's: seven

Number of Closers: four

Number of Breasts Fondled on Megan Moyle: at least one, maybe two.

Number of Weeks Bodow will check out of the league: Actually, given that he isn't moving this year I'd be willing to bet maybe only one week?


Once again, Mr Bodow is reunited with his favorite steed, Matt Kemp. I need not mention again what he did for you last year until he pulled his groin inside some random bitch on the road. Needless to say, it was impressive. Things could be looking up in LaLaLand with the added depth and dollars in the lineup. Hopefully for you Kemp will stay healthy all year and will benefit from HanRam, AGon, and CC in the everyday lineup. It's a tad risky but it could be worse. I think we all agree taking Matt Kemp in the six hole is a very, very solid pickup.


And I think we can all expect Yoenis and Kemp to improve on both of their numbers if they can both remain healthy but that's a big IF. Indeed, Bodows army has a lot of 'ifs' in his lineup. He has a high ceiling if Kemp can find his 2011 form and Yoenis can prove the critics correct with his adjustment to The Show and having his family safely in Oakland (as safe as they can be, I guess). Another question mark for Bodow will be Hunter Pence. He clearly needs to shorten his swing and stop trying to pull the ball every time, and he needs to adjust his swing to the confines of AT&T Park. He may take a hit in the season-long counting stats but I think you can expect him to produce at an above-replacement level, so long as he shortens that swing. Great pickup of Josh Willingham, he dropped cock for the Twins last year. And very solid sleeper pickup in Matt Carpenter. I have to admit I was researching sleepers yesterday and I came across an article about Carpenter. I was kind of pissed to find that you had picked him up. FUCKING PREPARED ASSHOLE.


I'm also curious to see what Will Middlebrooks does with 500 at-bats and getting rid of sweet ol' Bobby V from the dugout. And eventually you will get Hanley Ramirez back, for better or worse. All the potential in the world and that guy is still just a huge question mark. I have no idea what he is going to do this year. I can envision a scenario in which he hits 40 home runs, has 130+rbis, and 30 stolen bags. I can also envision a scenario in which he pisses off Don Mattingly so badly that he benches him for a month at a time. He'll probably eek by with 90/25/100 which would be a great season for most people but for Hanley itsallgoodbraddahthatsjustdawaywedooooman.


I think Strasburg is going to be a fucking flamethrower this season and I wouldn't be shocked if he struck out every single batter he faced all season FOREVER TO INFINITY AND BEEYOOOONNNDDDDD. Seriously, I wouldnt be shocked if he pushes it to 300 strikeouts this year. I really wanted him and I was a sad little panda when you took him one pick ahead of me. I guess why you're team name is Lilpeen. You fucking little penis. :) Frieri was a great pickup on last years waiver wire and I wouldnt be surprised if he lodges 30+ saves this season. Ditto Addison Reed. Steve Cishek won't do shit because Miami is going to be a dogshit abortion incapable of scoring runs or keeping the opponents below six runs. Hey, what team did Heath Bell go to, anyways? Oh, the D-Bags? Interesting. Anybody watch The Franchise last season? He did not inspire confidence. Anyways, adding Janssen into the mix here and you've got a lot of closer depth. Likewise, the rest of your starters (Wainwright and Gio) inspire confidence but I laugh out loud at Derek Holland. He is not good. Sorry, but he dragged my ass down last season. Seriously, he went to fucking Wallace State Community College. $10 bucks to anybody who can figure out where THAT is. (It's in Hanceville, Alabama. $20 bucks to anybody who can figure out where THAT IS, too.)


Bodow was in it to the end last season and I fully expect his roster this season to compete as well. Just stop taking those weird breaks and you'll make it to the postseason.

Derek Holland, Logan Couture, and their retarded cousin Enrique Fibbonacci.

Until tomorrow, my little pretties.