Cummin in HAWT!

You know you want it

Week 1 marks a new beginning for all of us. 10 of us are probably very happy and 10 very sad. But only winners can be happy so SFTU you stupid losers. On a similar note, thanks to Ged's vision of Late Night family unity with rainbows, hand-holding and Kumbaya I now have to include you feeble Tier II trolls in my weekly musings. Fine, you can read it but THEN YOU'RE GOING BACK UNDER THE BRIDGE WHERE YOU CAME FROM. #ClassWarfare.

On a similar note this marks the first time I will be writing a dish TO my wife. I can't tell if I'm excited, nervous she'll judge, or just disappointed she only finished with the second best score in Tier II. Be better babe.

Before we get into this I'd like to point out that Greg Hinton scored EIGHTY FUCKING POINTS. As in his team could have done twice as well and still lost by a large margin to most other teams. Dez Bryant's injury doesn't account for enough to make this OK. Is there a Late Night remedial league?!

On the other side of pretend pretend football Spencer 'Night Stick' Mountain led all scorers with 216 points, which is pretty fucking impressive.

In pretend football this really kewl d00d I know (it was meeeeeeeee) is way out in front with a 183 spot this week. The low...errr..womyn(?) on the totem pole is Lacey with 112 anemic points. Not far behind was Ugh, and they shared the honor of biggest blowout.

But don't lose heart if you're in relegation! You'd totally do well where they have failed so epically.

Relegation League page: football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/f1/97114

I kicked around the idea of using this Smore nonsense, but was really sold when I saw I could use the world's largest Sybian as the background. Thanks Ged for the idea of using Smore to create weekly dishes, never heard of that before.

News and Notes

All I can do is burst out laughing when I saw the Eli whine gif (that your goddamn savior website isn't able to host inside the text but I digress)

I sat here for a solid 48 seconds deciding which line would best capture the awesomeness of this clip, but I couldn't pick just one...

"Oh H-E double hockey sticks, now I'll never be Peyton"

"SHOOT. DARN. DANG. That's hecka laaaame"

"Aaaw shucks mom the mac n cheese is gone?!"

"Now we'll NEVER make it to regionals"

"It's all because they didn't get the youth medium shoulder pads I asked for"

Seriously how does he get younger and skinnier every year? That kid needs a popsicle pronto.

In tragic or Darwinian news depending on how much of an asshole you are (I'm looking at you Jon), a fan died at Candlestick after drunkenly taking a fall. No reports on the whereabouts of Josh Hamilton or Espen Knutsen around the time of the incident.

This Week in TBS

No way DeSean Jackson makes the list this week?! DeSean has proved in one week that he is the current, defending, and future champion of TBS. Jackson just couldn't resist engaging in a DeBattle with DeAngelo Hall. Seriously guys one capital letter per first name. SO HE THREW UP A GANG SIGN.

Shockingly a DeFight ensued.

Face In the Crowd

Faces in the Crowd

..mmmm fucken LOVE that song..what, what? Let's get some awards going already amirite?!

WILD CARD: Leonard Hankerson and Julian 'I'm a real boy' Edelman. They led all unowned players in scoring dropping a 20 spot on the Eagles and Bills respectively. Just more bad news for Garcon and Ridley owners everywhere.

ANTI-NIRVANA: Top WR Anquan Boldin (31) was benched by O-town. So was Hartline (17). More on this later. Ugh had Cook (24) on the bench like a stupid newb (thank you).

DIRK DIGGLER: Peyton Manning. What can be said about Peyton that can't be said by his throbbing 50 point performance. And that his first name is NOT Eli. Although Eli came in second in scoring with a 35 spot. Note to self: marry a Manning. NOTE TO SELF: DELETE LAST NOTE

THE REAL DAVID AND GOLIATH: None of these newbz puny ass rocks were gonna thwart these Tier I goliath penises. We ran freight trains this week on Dan and Lacey. Goliath crushes tiny dude, Hattmunz slaughters Cobb; Saksen penetrates Ugh. Thanks for playing. Next time we'll spot you 58 (and still win)

PERFECTION: 371 points possible this week.

qbs Peyton (50) and Eli (35)

wrs Boldin (31) Cruz (29) Green (28) Thomas (28)...JC approves.

rbs Peterson (28) McCoy (26) and Bush (25)

te Cook (24)

flex J Thomas (TE, 23) L Fitz (WR, 20) Bell (RB, 20)

k Zuerlein (14)

d KC (30)

Flex Usage

I though it might be interesting to see the effect of the flex on scoring/winning. Flex scores are parenthetical and winners are in bold.

The 4-RB set: Ugh(5), JC (6), DCS (8), Kat (15), Jiz (1)

The 5-wide set: TDS (2), Red (2), FYRB (8), KKK (10), HD (3)

No 2-TE sets this week. Of course all this time I've been making fun of them and Tight Ends absolutely dropped dick all over the NFL this weekend. Maybe this will be one of those trends that comes out of nowhere like 4000 and 5000yd passers in every backwoods hole a few years ago. I'll still take 4 RBs but what do I know (please don't answer that).

There were twice as many TEs (6) to score 16+ points than there were RBs (3)...this stat is shocking to me.

To the Matchups....

JC ground Pigs 183-134: This was not fair, this was good old-fashioned country hardball assrape. TBS lifetime achievement winner Vincent Jackson dropped prodigious p33n all over some silly Jet faces. Of course he traversed the field over 1.5 times and still couldn't find the end zone, but did manage to outscore his brother Steven in the JCPig JaksonBowl. Praise be Victor Cruz. From dan "I get the feeling Cruz is gonna salsa all up in my butthole tonight" YUP. He wasn't the first, and definitely won't be the last. AJ Green and Owen Daniels were also really neat #dubbledippinnnn

Dan your face still needs to get slapped. Crazy hard. Especially for pre-refusing to agree to a slapbet for this matchup. Like before the draft pre-refusing. In his defense the only deal I'll make is double slap/mutual slap. Slaps can only be created, never destroyed.

Salad touched? Nay Salad Downed 161-112: This matchup was so gross and such a non-starter. That was a dirty fucking trick Roddy White pulled playing with no intention of doing anything. Capers. Redman's performance was almost as good as David Wilson's. Jason Witten didn't destroy your hopes and dreams I guess. FUCK COLIN KAEPERNICK. Chuckie may have some problems going forward if he keeps hitting those Nirvana exploders. Sudfeld over Thomas won't get it done next week WWHHAASSSUOPPPPP. Injury to Jacoby Jones hurts a lot, he looked to be the focus of their passing and return munz.

...I'm starting to rethink this relegation thing...

Bush Fucked by Nazi 160-150: I cannot tell you hoe much fun I had watching KKK slowly build towards that victory climax all Monday night. It was like watching Joey in every strip club he's ever been in ever. You knew what was happening by the end of the night but it was so much fun watching the vapid bitch (in this case FYRB) twitch with Joey's every move. WELL DONE SUUUHH. LeSean McCoy looks like he may just reach that Chip Kelly RB ceiling I had an erection for. Jon AP is good, but Wilson and all your WRs have some question marks, and before you respond yes I know my team is horrible and I didn't deserve to win. No one hears you from down in the cellar.

Photo Finish, Cat Bursts Red 146-145 (for now): I'm not gonna call this one until the stat corrections come in, but holy shit that was a hell of a Monday night. This was almost as much fun as stattracking Joeys quivering member on the warpath to Jons asshole. I can't imagine the meltdown I would have had if I were Red as I realized the garbage time rules eliminated DeSean and Morris from any points..but WAIT! I have Pierre Garcon! RGIIIs favorite targ....SHIT. Oh well one sack from JJ Watt should do it...it is rivers after all!!...Overtime?!!/!??!!. FUCKSHITASSDICK. Anywho Greg has to e disappointed with his QB numbers, especially because they weren't better than Brown's. Red had without question the most consistently solid team but had ZERO heroes. Brown got a big day from L-Fitz with the double dipz. So maybe O was wrong about Jordan Cameron :/. What's the threat level on the Dez injury? Fucking magenta.

Jizlam in your Ditka 141-135: I stopped watching this matchup Thursday praise be Peyton Manning. I said Decker would get the third most receptions in Denver this year and I was wrong. So far he's tied for fifth. That may be a problem going forward for O-Town; ther than the massive QB dog Oren has a pretty low-scoring team and those WR spots may need some upgrades, although there's no way James Jones goes back to the 4th WR he was 2 years ago :/. Second to last in every stat except QB might need improvement. HD made a valiant comeback attempt especially with the Kardashian-stained Bush p33n he unleashed. Bradshaw was a disappointment against a supposedly weak D. Randall Cobb may be worth the incredibly high price Pete payed for him if he keeps this up. But no I'll never shutup about how crappy your roster is. You ranked in the bottom half of every stat except RB. I love you, but I don't love your roster.

Positional Scoring

My least favorite section to compile, but the most interesting (to me). If you don't care about this at all let me know and I'll wrap it around a Canasa and shove it up my ass.
1) Jiz 75 2) FYRB 55 3) Ugh 49 4) TDS 48 5) JC 41 6) Kat 39 7) DCS 37 8) red 34 9) HD 33 10)KKK 32

Wide Receivers excluding flex

1) KKK 68 2) JC 67 3) TDS 59 4) red 37 5) Cat 35 6) HD 29 7) Ugh 27 8) DCS 24 9) Jiz 23 10)FYRB 18

Running Backs excluding flex1) HD 38 2) JC 34 3)Ugh 33 4) FYRB 31 5) Cat 30 6) KKK 29 7) TDS 28 8) Red 23 9) Jiz 17 10)DCS 6

Tight Ends

1) Red 21 2) DCS 19 3) JC 18 4) Kat 16 5) Ugh 11 6) FYRB 10 7) HD 9 8) KKK 4 9) Jiz 2 10) TDS 0

I'm not here to service your K and Def. I'm here to service these young boys.


What will week 2 bring us? Who will be this week's Manning brother? Who will be baby-man Julian Edelman? Who will leave 20 points on the bench? Just make sure you guys don't overly obsess over which players to start. Sure there are several hundred analysts who get paid solely to give fantasy advice, but I'm sure just listening to one will do. Keep your composure, keep your head down. RELAX.

Touch JC Down there: I started shitting bricks when I looked at my QB matchups, then I looked at Charlie's and smiled. The advantage he has in talent will probably be swallowed up by those defenses, Beast Mode could still get his tho. I am pretty fucking excited to watch SJax run all over his old team, hopefully Richardson doesn't return the favor. Forte will have a big day and TDS' WRs look ready to invade JCs bergina. My plan is for Lacy to go all McCoy on the Redskins, totes likely. Do I miss my double dipz and send Charlie to 2-0? Does Charlie go to the 2TE set with J Thomas thus automatically giving me the win? The winner of this matchup may get to claim first place...I project a tie 151-151.

Pig Jiz: Did you know pigs have corkscrew penises? On a more relevant note Pigs also have a corkscrew vagina which Oren will have no problem straightening with his rock-hard schmekel. He needs to revise the WR and RB spots in that lineup, but if so O-town will have plenty of firepower to shoot down swine. If Romo dissected the Giants D I'm crazy excited to watch Peyton do it. Some porous defenses for RBs will help Dan but I got O in front by a mile 150-132

Dirty Red Salad: New recruit finally starts carrying her weight a little bit. My inner fan wants to say that RGIII won't pick up where Kaep left off, but my heart wouldn't be in it. Thompkins may get to break-out this week, he had 14 targets last week, just needs some stick'um. Spiller should be back to form and spreading cheeks. Lacey will likely be going to the 5-wide set but an injured White is no help, still some work to do for LaceFace. Red 150-144.

Cat Nazi: Matt's gonna have a tough decision with which crappy QB to start, Freeman against a surprisingly stout NO def may be out. Could he possibly start the 2 most recent Raider QBs?! Nonsense. KKK has some defense problems for his QBs, and unfortunately a shootout in Ari doesn't help him. Shady McCoy should tread over the Chargers to the tune of 30 points (you heard it here first), but Joey has some huge problems at QB. The Catz should outscore the KKK at QB WR and RB. Cat8oi 155-121.

Fuck You Ditka: Cam gets a Bills D that stifled Brady while Brees gets the Bucs who couldn't stop a guy that looks like APs lovechild with a retarded dinosaur.

Then we have Bush and the flaccid RB boners versus AP and the flaccid RB boners. Can Wilson rebound? If not DMac against Jax may be the third best RB in the matchup (?!!?). Amendola's only been hurt once so he'll be fine. The WR stats will be underwhelming on both sides. I wish I could make you both tie and explode, but I'll take Jonny222 145-138.

LMK what you prefer: email or Smore. In fact lmk whatever you think about the re-envisioned di$h. Every year it takes longer to write so anything you don't care about I'll remove.

Paz Bitches