PREVIEW DI$H
And Goodbye to Smore
FREEEEDDDOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM
It feels so fucking good to be back boiz, although my di$h-writing chops haven't officially revved up yet. I thought a little preview di$h may be just the thing to get our dicks (and...idk clitorisses...that's a thing right?) even harder post-draft.
Looking forward we will likely be moving over to the late night website, just have some password-protection issues to work through. I was born in America and I'LL BE DAMNED if someone's gonna take MY freedom of speech. And also my ability to hide that speech so that no one judges me for it.
To start the preview I asked some managers for their assessment of the teams. Here's what I got:
Jiz: several "garbage, bro," 1 "clear champion"
JC: several "garbage, bro," 1 "clear champion"
TDS: several "garbage, bro," 1 "clear champion"
I think you guys are getting the picture...we all only like our own teams, I get it. But seriously Jon your team is garbage, bro.
HURRICANE DITKA
Draft Highlights: Loved the top of Pete’s draft, in a lot of mocks my 1-2 looked the same. Decker is only gonna turn a profit, and picking up Hill gives you a solid handcuff. Which you’re gonna need because MJD is another candidate for worst pick of the draft, and it’s a close race. Go look at the RBs available there and tell me different. Sanders probably best example of a hyped player getting overdrafted – he’s pure profit in 11+, but at 8 he’s a bust.
QBs: Dominant, again in the running for QBs best trophy
WRs: This is a problem. Keenan Allen is a weak 1 and Sanders is a 4 in a 3 slot. Cruz and Maclin are average at 2 and 4. WRs a weakness.
RBs: I’m starting to see what happens when you get 2 good QBs. I love Ball, but the wrong side of a timeshare at 2 and MJD at 3…eeeee. Need help.
TE: Great choice, good value.
Flex: Decker will serve, but I’d move him up and wait and see on Sanders. OH BUT WAIT then you wouldn’t have a flex. Evans and Hill are all about that upside action boss but it’ll be a while. Bortles a solid stash. WR the fliest of fliers.
Name: solid
Last year’s finish: 6…yes he got screwed (last time I say it)
Projected Finish: 10…sorry gotta have strength through the middle, beat it hobo
MIDDLE NAME DANGER
Draft highlights: I would have gone RB first, but Manning’s OK I guess. Rivers, Gore and Kenbrell all great values. I don’t know how Gore fell that far, he’s gonna be the same guy he was last year, ie high-end RB2, Hyde’s not close. Some big problems here tho…Benjamin and Greene way too high. Crosby in the 15th?! He’s a mediocre kicker who will be in snow during playoffs, wasted pick. Baldwin has no upside, in 17 you want some of that. But let’s address THREE DEFENSES…WTF????!?!!! That can’t be an autopick thing.
QBs: Manning’s OK, Rivers always solid, Top 2 qb corps
WR: Let’s hope Jones keeps his footbones together, cuz VJax is nowhere near a wr1. Harvin is nice as a 3, Benjamin could be good. Average WR
RB: Morris is an RB2, with likely a smaller role this year. Gore solid, Greene not going to be a starter long, RBs are gonna need some help if you want to contend, def a weakness.
TE: No problems
Flex: Woodhead a serviceable flex, gotta monitor usage, he may get stuck in the TD or bust category. Love the double-dippin dots tho.
Bench: THREE. FUCKING. DEFENSES. THREE. FUCKING. TIGHT ENDS. This is not the way of the Jedi.
Name: Awful. Putrid. Be better.
Last year’s finish: It’s beneath us even to discuss
Projected Finish: 9, back to the cellar meat
FUCK YOU REGGIE BUSH
Draft highlights: Another consistent performer losing his touch. I think Jon made good decisions at the end of the draft and questionable ones up front – Mathews, Patterson and Rudolph all went too high, and hitching 2 starters to Cassel is never a great thing. Jon even over-payed for sexy handcuff Freeman, probably will work out long-term…just like it did for jacquizz last year…I loved the Floyd pick (GO IRISH!!) especially because your soul bleeds when you realize how awesome he’s gonna be this year. Manziel is a good stash at a decent price. DMC was a steal, I’m jell, and Kelce is classic late-round flier. So…good job picking your bench? The starters…
QBs: Ryan is a 1 for sure, Tanny – 1/5 stars, would not recommend. Below average up top.
WRs: Dez will somehow get even better this year, I can’t believe how young he is. Cordarelle…just no, not at that price even a little. With Crab and Floyd you corps as a whole is strong but Patterson is def not a 2.
RBs: A solid group, but some questions linger – I don’t believe the negative Lynch hype, if they don’t ride him til the wheels fall off they’re retarded. Martin has RBBC risk, and that’s ignoring the abortion that was last year ( I hear he’s good to trade for tho :-*). Mathews is giving up too much passing down (Woodhead) and goalline (Brown) work, but will carry the load til his body explodes..week 4. I think these RBs are gonna be solid but will fall apart at some point. FJax, Freeman and Ivory are ready to jump in, so I’m calling it a strength.
TE: Sure
Flex: FJax? Who knows haha, we’ll see who wins the CJ-FJax battle. Either RB2 or waiver wire production.
Bench: 3 strong handcuffs/timeshares, still need an injury to be starter material but lots of potential. I like Manziel, Lee and Kelce…Kearse looks like waiver fodder.
Name: Really needs a re-vamp
Last year’s finish: 8th
Projected finish: 8th ;/ fighting for your life again
Vaginal Hubris
Draft highlights: Trying to tune out Matt’s feeble meowing and scratching at my screen (he wouldn’t stop no matter how many times I hit him with the newspaper…he still doesn’t get tier I drafts). Jess went with a very upside-centric theory. The CJs have the opportunity to be great and the price seems reasonable, maybe a little high for Spiller. The Welker caper was pretty savage, but that’s why there’s the quick and the dead…and the queue. Rookie mistake. BJGE cost nothing and may have goal-line work and CSIII was a great value. Carlos Hyde *fart noises*
QB: Despite getting a late start Jess landed Luck, possible top 5, and Dalton who is...also a QB. Luck is gonna need those rushing TDs to stay relevant. Everyone is hitting Dalton alarm bells, but he went low enough I think that’s irrelevant. Overall average QBs.
WRs: With the two best WR at the top, the 3 and 4 don’t really matter. Wayne is not a 3, who knows how much he has left. If Welker comes back Jess’ will have crazy dominant WR, if he doesn’t…probly still will.
RBs: Too much risk. I think Foster is gonna bounce back, but is still a huge injury risk. CJ Spiller could be a top 5 rb if he got the solo work, which he won’t. CJ2K is a couple negative runs from a backup spot. Both CJs could pay huge dividends or crash and burn, the Vagazzlers will likely follow either way.
TE: Sure
Flex: That’s not the business, but a couple people look good there.
Bench: DeAngelo likely a capable bye week fill-in/flex. CSIII too. Stills looks like Colston lite with the frustrating variability. Khiry is one of my favorite fliers, but I’m glad someone else rostered him, fuck the Saints backfield. Decent depth overall.
Last year’s finish: thhhhpppptttt
Projected Finish: 7th, one too many injuries.
THE JIZ DYNASTY
Draft highlights: No holocaust jokes for the first time (praise be). I get the impression Oren had a list of players to draft and was gonna take them no matter what, good players but maybe a little too early – Thomas, Cobb, Boykin. Ridley is a no thank you sir for the NE backfield + fumbles = no handz on d. Got a good price on Andre Johnson, Moreno may have a shot at the Miami backfield and Amendola is gonna be a monster if healthy.
QBs: Clearly Best.
WRs: Clearly worst. Cobb can’t smell WR1 even with dubble dipz, Kendall Wright and Cooper are barely-above replacement level.
RBs: I like this backfield a lot if it can stay healthy. It never has and SJax already has a hamstring issue, and very few years left to live. Healthy this will be an above average crew, but all three are near the top of risk.
TE: Strong
Flex: Ridley may be worthwhile as a flex or not see a snap. SPIN THE WHEEEEEL
Bench: Moreno is a decent investment long-term, Steve Smith is a low ceiling high floor guy, nice reserve player (esp with abortion wideouts…#bandname). Amendola probably overtakes ¾ of you starters. Ginn is gonna surrender all da bye week return munz, great stuff. Decent bench for the Jiztator.
Name: Its…a..nice…name *forcibly unclenches teeth*
Last year’s finish: 2nd straight title
Projected finish: Too many injuries…6th
TOUCHDOWN SYNDROME
Draft highlights: In a shocking change of pace Charlie hit those sleepurz HUARD, drafted the first defense, and didn’t pay on time. My favorite pick is Asiata obvi, since he broke your soul in December. 3 good WR values with Edelman, Tate and Nicks. Jeffery was a reach, he’s still the number 3 option in that offense. Bush is a timeshare, and you can’t pay rb2 prices for that. Boldin’s a bum. TWO DEFENSES?! Charlie is probably the most consistent ffber here, but a lot of these decisions baffle me, maybe I’m the idiot. #asiata #neverforget.
QBs: Brady had a down year last year – luck or age? Charlie’s betting on luck, I kinda agree. Smith had one serviceable year – luck or skill? I am definitely slamming the regression button. QB weakness.
WR: Jeffery is a questionable 1, Fitz fine at 2. Edelman meh at 3 and Boldin does not belong on a roster, unless you’re watching some 9ers practices that KNBR isn’t. Switch him for Tate and I’d call it average, deficient as is.
RBs: I love Lacy (obvi), but Bush is not a 2 and Richardson arguably lowest floor of any RB, probably lowest ceiling too. RB is gonna be a problem sorry Charlie, you also have no other rbs touching the ball…I’m always ready to trade ;~p
TE: OK I guess
Flex: Tate is a great flex, but your roster looks better with him as a wr3 and …shit where’s your bench?
Bench: Michael may be the handcuff to own for Lynch, but pretty sparse at RB, WR decent depth. Love the Vick stash. Too many defenses.
Name: Classic, never change sweetcheeks
Last year’s finish: 3rd
Projected finish: 5th …and I hate betting against Charlie :/
JERRUD CATFISH
Draft highlights: If I had known how late QBs would go would I have drafted Stafford in rd2? Prob not. But due to a fuckshit ass trade last year I needed both qb by rd 5, so fuck it, probably overpaid. I can’t believe Stacy fell to me, that’s a big win. I love the Wheaton and Green upside, pure profit there. Sankey will likely not turn a profit. I’m getting scarededer and scarededer about my RGIII situation :/
QBs: Stafford is a top-5 QB no problem, if RGIII-14 = RGIII-12 more than RGIII-13 I will threaten for QBs best, if not I am in the deepest of the doodoo. I actually would be fine with Cousins too.
WRs: Brown mid-1, Garcon and Hilton are mid-low 2s, plus dubble dippin. Haven’t seen a better 4 yet. Love my WRs.
RBs: uuuuuuuuu BEST. Miller has been trending down but will be carrying the load short-term at least. No one can step to my 1-2. Come see me.
TE: weak
Flex: I reeeeeaaallllyyy hope Tavon Austin pays off this year. Plenty of fliers and timeshares down there to fiddle with. Green is a TD machine waiting for a spot, if Gates goes down watch out world. Could probably use some reliable backup WRs
Name: Awesome obvi. Send a pix
Last year’s finish: ERR RORE ERR RORE
Projected finish: 4, sneak into the playoffs to get crushed #sfgiants?
CB'S D
Draft highlights: The top half of Dan’s draft is strong, came through a reachy middle – particularly on Terrance Williams and Roddy White. Roddy fits that undervalued all preseason then overcorrection overdraft to a tee. The Pitta pick helped prevent any Gronk capers, and you know they’re coming.
QBs: Romo’s an underrated qb1. Palmer won't have the garbage time all-star setup to prop him up this year. Maybe more munz from Ellington dumpoffs? QBs a weakness, may need the dreaded Locker start (see JC 2012-2013).
WRs: Roddy went way too high, and is a stretch at WR2, with Williams and Cooks back end is average at best. Overall average WR production.
RBs: Decided strength. Forte is a boss and Jennings will be too. We’ll see how much Gio will actually tote the rock, Hill’s pounding this week did not help, RBBC coming.
TE: No way Gronk fucks you PSYYYYCHE
Pierre Thomas as the flex, I’ve made that mistake 2 years running, god speed. NO is the new Washington backfield, rivals NE in unknowable committee usage.
Bench: Sweet Grimes pick. If Foster goes down look for Blue over Grimes mostly because he’s 2nd on the depth chart, more versatile, and a bawss (GEAUX TIGERS).
Nothing better on the bench than low floor low ceiling Brian Hartline. If you need 5-58-0 every week he’s your guy. Pitta is a great insurance plan/trade bait. FUCK YOU DEANDRE give me my 6th round pick back you knob.
Name: We get it, you have a kid, congrats on making sperm
Last season’s finish: 7
Projected finish: 3…fuck my life
RED HEADED BURST
The above is a hairstyle burn #choir #preach
Draft highlights: McCoy is the right pick (would have been at #1 in my book). But HOLY SHIT Ellington is in the running for worst pick of the draft. I won’t bore you with how many RB1s were ahead of him, but I had 6 backs ahead of him when he was picked. Ellington almost certainly would have been there in the 3rd (only 4 picks between). I had a bunch more to talk about good and bad, but fuck that pick just angers me WHY RED WHYYYY
QBs: Cutler way underrated will be a low-end QB1, Wilson a middling QB2, putting Greg in the average category. Both will struggle come playoffs with weather.
WRs: Jordy is a decent 1, I LOVE Wallace as a comeback this year, and I thought you drafted him in a perfect spot, but as a 2 there’s room to fail. I have always hated Colston for his boom or bust-ness but the 1 week he goes off will undoubtedly be against me, so fuck shit. Kenny Britt have anything left? Idk. Average WRs.
RBs: Obvi McCoy is the alpha and the omega, Ellington likely solid as an rb2 (not in the 2nd round tho). Vereen yuck, nothing in NE is worth a starting spot at the moment, certainly not rb3. Overall RB still a strength.
TE: Great stuff
Flex: Pierce is a great flex for 2 weeks (better than Vereen) but Ray will likely take over after that. Either way look for an eagle pass-catcher to see time.
Bench: Ertz is a good player who will waste away on your bench, JStew is garbage, you know that. LOVED the Bowe and Bradshaw pixx, at that cost nothing but profit for those guys. I like Mike Williams hiding down there too. Despite Ellington I actually really like your team, particularly the depth. If Pierce grabs the reins watch out for Red
Name: Still perfect
Last year’s finish: 5th
Projected finish: 2th, keep climbing that ladder Greggy.
DUNKEN BONGOS
Draft highlights: Great value on Gerhart and Sproles, Sproles will be rb3-flex worthy every week without McCoy injury. Watkins is not going to pay off, and injured, again. Taking Carolina’s defense in the 13th is braindead (they play Brees and Ryan twice, come on). Sweet job drafting Starks and Cunningham, as neither is the backup for their team.
QB: Joey’s QBs will without question lead the league.
In sexual assaults. Aging date rapist and young date rapist, no stripper’s walls are going to be safe anywhere near the Bongos this year. How will they play? Probably not very well, QBs a weakness.
WRs: DeSean will likely be solid 2, Torrey fine as a 3, Watkins is gonna be a disappointment, but still useful as a 4, I still predict Hunter in your rotation early and often. WRs a strength.
RBs: I think at the end of the season you’ll regret taking Charles over Brees/Rodgers, but for now that RB corps looks stacked. Top 3 easy.
TE: No problems. Except age.
Flex: Sproles should hold down that spot all year, and that’s just fine.
Bench: Some bad choices in handcuffs, because you probably didn’t need to draft 3rd stringers. EJ Manuel probably wouldn’t have been drafted. Other than Hunter and maaaybe Ingram, this bench is a wasteland. Hit that wire kid, cause you’re an injury away (ahem, Charles) from struggle city.
Name: Outstanding, and sooooo necessary. If you need the back-story stop missing bachelor parties (VH you can keep missing them). Also buy some hats.
Last Season Finish: 4th
Projected Finish: 1st It’s gonna be white boy dances all year
Maybe
eatmybutt