Last Week Before Playoffs You Jezebels; PS- Join Snapchat
LET US ALL GATHER NAKED IN A CIRCLE, HE WHO JIZZ FIRST SHALL BE EXCOMMUNICATED
Well, here we are after all of these months. All of these waiver moves, shitty draft picks, floppy trades, and shit talk have led up to this:
Fighting for the sixth seed are Miguel De La Detroit and shockingly Miguel De La Total Request Live. I can't believe Ged is still in the running for this shit but there he is. Like a total dickface with his greasy one-eyed snake leaving a greasemark across our computer screens, he's battling Joshy-poo for the right TO COMPETE to be in the playoffs. Let's look at their path to the second season.
Motherfucker Josh needs to play against UGH DAN this week to cement his spot in next weeks playoffs. And really, what an accomplishment that would be after chugging penises the entire first half of the season. I don't know whether to credit your abilities or Miguel Cabrera for being BEASTMODE all year long.
Mr Little Peen Gedestad, if he's not too busy either (1) destroying his penis or (2) sending me snap chats of his recently destroyed penis, might find time to compete this week against The Recently Paid Michael Bodow. Ged has a tough draw with Bodow and simultaneously needing McMenaUGH to troll out a win this week.
Prediction?: I think Josh makes both Dan and Ged choke on a giant penis-shaped cocktail and rides his Tiger stallions into the flames of Samsara holding peens made of light, and smoking wooden pipes made of peens, as well.
Matchups with playoff implications!
Strangely, Ged's pitching carried his dogshit team over Austin, taking 4 to 1 categories.
Leading Ged's charge were Julio "No Nukes" Teheran (1w, 8k, 1.42 ERA/1.11WHIP), Ervin "The Royals should have traded me at the waiver deadline" Santana 6k, 2.57era/.86 WHIP, and AJ "Much missed by the Stixxx" Burnett who has had his second very good season in Pittsburgh with a win, 6k's, 1.29 era/0.71whip. Also two saves from Romo no homo were nice. "That's whats up" as Sergio would say.
On the flip side, Austin had some super seksi numbers notably from the Bay Area's own Tyson ROSS. What the fuck?!? I guess now you see why he was (yes) Oakland's opening day starter last year. Also, his dickface should show you why he was relegated to the Padres. Good for him, though, to find his form. He had 10 fucking K's against the Dodgers the other day and made Yasiel Puig and Mark Ellis looking fucking stupid on a couple breaking balls. TO THAT SIR I SAY GOOD JOB. Also, who the fuck is Brett Oberholtzer and is he challenging Keith Olbermann for a job on Fox Sports One?
I will say this, to whomever faces Austin in the conso you better load up on pitchers and try to smoke his chink ass out of the bullpen because he's gonna bring it in the counting stats.
Austin did measure up accordingly in the hitting stats, taking 3 to 2. His rarely used, hungover, dragon puking peen was given a boost (Austin gets that reference) by Stephen Drew, Brett Lawrie, Mike MOTHERFUCKA Trout, and the king of the American-Mexicans who played for Team Mexico, Adrian Gonzalez. Nothing says I want to be an American like playing for your ancestral home. I'm LOOKING AT YOU MIKE PIAZZA.
For Ged, it is really sweet irony that Coco Crisp is his best player (playa?). You all remember last year's Coco story involving Ged doing his best "Bublé" at Crogans. If you make the playoffs you should consider changing your team name to the "Piping Hawt Cocos" or some shit. I wish you luck going forward. Also, you're a sloppy dick face.
I am sure after Mike clinched his playoff birth he turned all of his attention to the world of Fantasy Football...I mean...didn't we all do that? Holy fucking shit I had four drafts last week and ALL OF THEM were fucking mediocre. I flew WAY too high to the sun after I took off my "ESPN Cheat Sheet" training wheels this year. Fucking fuck. I really do not want to get relegated FUCKKKKKKKKKKK MY FACEEEEEE.
Anyway, Josh, by the way, IS THE FUCKING MAN for hooking us up at the Ritz Muddafucking Carlton for my 30th birthday. We had a great fucking time and it could not have been better. Y'all some mark ass bitches needa ask homeboi for da hook, son.
He face blasted Saksen on the chin, lower nose, and eyebrows on both offense and the bump. Leading Josh's second half resurgence is CLEARLY Alfonso "I was on the waiver wire and clearly hated playing in Chicago again" Soriano who is still on a tear (4/3/7/2/217/916). Also, new Pirate Marlon "I'm a Peacock Ya Gotta Let Me Fly" Byrd started playing better after his waiver wire trade (4/1/5/368/1000). Also, Torii Hunter, that motherfucker, had 3/2/5/304/913 and also had a huge mega bomb walk off homer keeping the A's from a four game sweep (FUCK! that was a huge walk off). Also, Miggy got kinda hurt in that same game, you had to have accidentally swallowed your tongue when that happened. All of this work and that fat fuck gets hurt falling over his belly? Ugh, that would have been a high crime of fantasy baseball.
Also, Mike you had a nice pre-playoff season week, and look to be in good shape heading into next week. You dont have any players mega slumping except maybe AJ Ellis and Aaron Hill. You could be okay.
Cliff Lee. Total redemption (1w/11k/2.08era). Kershaw. He good too. Soriano, he finally pull his juevos with save x3. Everybody else? No cares people.
Josh, too many pitchers. Iwakuma he good, me like KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK's.
Price he do better, your pitching stacked it may be? Fister he poop, stumble down stretch he do. Parker best pitcher last 3 weeks in AL. Perez who he? Griffin? enjoy homer dome experience every time. He no good. Self-schadenfreude i have you beat me with him. Schadenfreude in you I have you stink he no good. Joe Kelly look like 15 year old bad at math acne just clear up he no get laid. Pitch good tho, win lots Cards good Yadi Molina face look like pizza from Dominos.
Saksen wipe eyes, semen in hands, towel too far, shower now he must.
HEY BRIAN: CHECK THIS OUT
Vice-chancellor of dereliction (me being the Chancellor in all things) spoke from high atop his own acropolis of dereliction and decreed "NOT A FUCKING CHANCE YOU GET PAST ME, HAHVAHD!!!"
Bodows super sooth erections were led to the sparrow king by his viagra/cialis/horny goat weed trio of Hanley Ramirez/ Chris Carter/and Hunter Pence. We really should be paying more attention to Hunter Pence's Bondsian numbers as soon as the giants were knocked out of contention. Ged, I mean, Hunter Pence, has hit 13/3/18/308/840 since the Giants were entirely and totally fucking out of it. Somewhere Scott Boras is sticking his dick in a grapefruit screaming "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THIS FEELS? OOOOHMMMMAIIIGOODDDD THIS FEELS GOOOOOOD" as he pulls out and jizzes all over a picture of hunter pence. It feels that good.
Brians feeble offense was led by the supremely fertile and vital Billy Butler who, frankly, wishes he were on a more competitive team (7/2/6/250/787) and HOLY FUCKING SHIT Shane "Maui in the Majors" Victorino popping his P's and flexing his BC's dropping some hot steamy coconut load all over the NL East (9/3/10/1/435/1388). If only you were in the second season, Brian, maybe it would matter. As of now, good luck getting your money back. Maybe if you gaze deep into your spreadsheets you will see between the spreadsheets, the Sparrow King will appear and lead you right to Toilet Dog's Smooth Boob Lair for a fresh serving of hot salt.
Brian's pitching was sexy, though. Chris Sale is still hot tits, Matt Harvey is PEACE WE OUTTA HERE Deion Style:
Dan lost offense 2-3, but smoked Ben's usually ultra-strong pitching 5-1. Amazing. What happened here???
Well, Dan streamed a bit, got a lucky ass vulture win from Ziegler, a streamer win from Dumpsterbunz, and Cole Hammels pitched like himself. Also, Garza stayed off twitter and kept himself looking straight forward against a fucking pathetic Seattle team (OOOOMG Will they ever be good again???).
Well, if Ben wants to blame anybody it sure is shit izznt Zack Greinke. two wins, 16k's, kthxbai. Perhaps it was Lance Lynn who was too busy shooting Dr Pepper commercials to focus on pitching properly (1l, 4k,15.78era/3.25whip). Also, Bud Norris was a dope stream, why did you cut him??? :(
Salvador Perez was super nast33 on offense 5/3/8/391/1314, while Mike "Fuck you I am not going to call you Giancarlo you beaner" Stanton pulled an ultra mike stanton 3/2/2/200/910. If I am him, I claim a sprained penis and take my toys and go home.
For Dan, Kyle Seager something something Victor Martinez something something Bryce Harper something something CHASE HEADLEY REUNITED AND IT FEEEELLL SOOOO BADDDD something something.....meh fuck a beat I go acapella:
Matchups where ALL I DO IS TALK MAD SHIT
Ps I am watching SportsCenter right now has anybody seen Team USA Women's 7-0 victory over Mexico? You know I am really not impressed because the Mexican goalkeeper is 10x worse than Brown was on the Middle School JV team. She is a fat fat fat piece of shit who couldn't catch a snickers at a gas station convenience store. Like the balls shooting by her at 4 mph, she sure could chase after them though :)
Pat, nice win. You and your mormon style pitching roster (it's funny because I have one too) really helped Operation: PoopDrop all over suburban Denver (don't go to the movies there).
I look forward to having semi-consensual non-consensual sex with your poopchutes and maybe giving (or getting?) a foot job from one of you while I flip HELLA PITCHURZZZZZZZZZ behind my back.
Beat it, bitch.