Saturday Morning Usual

Editor in chief: Mike McGee

Death on sale! Today only!

With the recent publishing of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle, the United states of America was finally revealed to a huge meat scandal that has been happening for, who knows how long! For those who haven't read the book, we will describe the setting: Close your eyes and imagine: A dank, disgusting room filled with fog and steam, an intolerable odor that would send almost any man insane, the sound of grotesque chopping and painful squealing, very rare cases of the workers still have all five fingers on each hand, rats scurrying every corner, and everything left on the floor is placed into the grinder, rancid meat, rat poison, and all. As a result of this, a huge uproar of the falsely labeled meats has occurred, consumers have almost completely stopped buying meat all together, and the government has begun receiving a monumental amount of letters asking for a meat industry reform. The President has called Upton Sinclair to the White House to discuss the matter of the reform.

Ironically, Sinclair meant to write the novel to reveal the horrible working conditions of the working man, rather than a major meat reform. (However many are happy with this conclusion regardless) As we quote Sinclair: "I aimed for the public's heart, but hit its stomach by accident" he clearly wanted a completely different reform.

-Washington DC

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Theodore Roosevelt, United State's newest patrol officer

For over 2 decades now, the country has been swallowed by huge, monopolizing trust monsters. However, recently, we were lucky enough to have our newest president, Theodore Roosevelt, take office. Unlike several presidents before, Roosevelt is brave enough to use the presidential position to actually resolve problems instead of simply keeping things from getting worse. (And several people haven't even gotten that right)

Recently, another labor strike has occurred threatening a coal famine if they do not get higher wages, fewer hours, and a recognition to the union. And, recently, for the first time in history, the government defended the side of workers over the company. Roosevelt took action to provide what he calls a "square deal" and make sure every side walks out satisfied, in order to make sure that the strike ends quick and peaceful, as we quote: "I ask that there be an immediate resumption of operations in the coal mines in some such way as will . . . meet the crying needs of the people." -Theodore Roosevelt, quoted from US department of labor

Roosevelt also is now taking the liberty to also be the first president to properly use the Sherman Antitrust Act to start eliminating major corporations and end massive monopolizing. The best example of which being the Northern Securities Company, a bonding of 3 previous railroads owned by James J. Hill, Edward H. Harriman, and J. P. Morgan. President Roosevelt considered this a direct violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act. The Supreme Court ruled in favor of this proposal, and as a result of this the business was compromised.

-Washington DC

Shielding Cuba

The United States has promised not to annex Cuba. It has since found a way to not only keep it's promise, but keep Cuba in our safe, cozy arms. We have introduced them to a new amendment that allows us to prevent certain decisions in international affairs, because some countries may attempt to apply less than beneficial deals to Cuba. We are also given full permission to support Cuban affairs, as it helps t maintain, as stated in the amendment: “A government adequate for the protection of life, property, and individual liberty.” It also makes them a protectorate, or a country that is under another nation's father protection. As a result of this, we also have received a fair plot of land for a naval base to protect their lands.

The amendment presented to the Cubans was very straightforward, and we all have hopes that they will follow through to let us help them.


We are at WAR, people! Never forget!

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Buy victory bonds to help support our boys across the blue!

Doubling the Votes

After 133 years of women's hardships, they finally have been given the full right to vote.

2 years ago, president Woodrow Wilson finally began to support the suffrage act, with the main motivation being the suffrage hunger strike that was held by several women that had been jailed. The women had been jailed for obstructing traffic, but many speculate this is just something said to cover up the blatant violation of their first amendment rights. The main evidence to support this is that their picketing was considered by several to be rash and offensive to the US Government.

After Wilson had agreed to support the suffrage movement, the idea was prepared to become a constitutional amendment. Luckily, a few states have already passed it as a state law, such as New York for instance, so there was already an early jump start. But despite this, the amendment was passed just by the skin of their teeth. Just passing with the 36 state minimum.

Shortly after the amendment was ratified, it gave many women a boost of confidence, after centuries of physical and emotional hardships. And many people find this as the final step into the next generation of American history.

-Washington DC

On the road

There's nothing that any lazy man hates more than getting off the couch walking to work. Well, now you just have to walk 20 feet before you can sit back down on that couch again. And go to work with it! Henry Ford has recently debuted his new automobile, the Model T, to the world, which it has delightfully taken by storm. Half of all the cars on the road are a Model T, and now they have recently began pursuing the brilliant idea of installment buying, which allowed even the lower class families to buy a ford by paying the whole price over time.

Thanks to the new innovation, the automobile has finally become an item for the common man, at the low price of 256 dollars. And as Henry Ford himself says: "You can get it in any color you want, as long as it's black"


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Bobby Jones

Bobby Jones publicizes his trophy collection in this photograph during a recent golf tournament and with our permission.

-New York City