Week 13 Fantasy Baseball recap

Rivalry week again, bitchesssssss

The intro...

That's right, it was rivalry week between friends once more, and these matchups didn't disappoint...two bitter battles that ended in ties after going down to the last game on Sunday, while the third was a back-and-forth battle that also was decided on the final day. The fourth matchup, the one between strangers? Eh, Sean got his ass kicked again, ho-hum.

We also had another trade, this time between Jesse and Niko. It seems pretty fair to me...Mujica has improbably been one of the best closers in the league so far this year but is unproven (he was the Padres' scrubby 6th inning guy just a few years ago), while Greinke has the talent to be a top pitcher but gets injured a lot and can't really be counted on to be an ace for the rest of the year. I don't see this being too much of a trade rape either way, but we'll see. And offering trades to multiple teams isn't shady, you imbeciles, it's just good managing. And Eliot, another name change??? Pick one and stick with it dude!

OK, onto the recaps...



Dan vs. Pete

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Chris Davis is a cheating ass bitch

This was a true battle of the Icaruses. Our bet for this week was the winner got to choose a pic to put on the loser's Facebook profile, and Pete thought he had me dead to rights on Saturday and was texting our friends trying to collect incriminating photos of me to choose from. But then I made suuuuch a spicy comeback on Sunday and took the lead and subsequently did THE SAME THING and asked our friends for pics. That also angered the fantasy gods, who allowed fucking Chris Davis to homer in the night game to banish us to a monumentally unsatisfying tie. We both flew too close to the sun, and paid for our insolence.

But seriously, fuck Chris Davis. Is it any coincidence that Davis and Biogenesis both end in -is? The dude already has THIRTY-ONE HRs (only the eighth guy EVER to hit 30 before the end of June) and is on track for 150+ RBI...I cannot WAIT for him to get suspended for PEDs. Besides Davis' 4 homers and 10 RBI this week, Pete's Yoenises were a heaping pile of dogshit with only one guy hitting above .300. I dominated Pete in average and usually that correlates to having more runs and RBI too, but inevitably all my hits came with no one on, and the boners behind them couldn't ever hit my guys in. Of course, all but one of my HRs were solo shots, allowing Pete to squeak by in RBI. Fuck. You're so goddamn lucky.

On the mound, the crucial move was my Saturday night pickup of Cubs closer Kevin Gregg since I knew I likely needed to beat Pete in saves to have a chance. Sure enough, it came down to Gregg with a one-run lead on Sunday afternoon and he got me that save to put me briefly ahead 5-4 before the cheating Davis HR tied it. Pete sat a bunch of pitchers throughout the week like a noob...congrats on winning ERA and WHIP I guess? Lost the other three stats, so beat it hobo. I might have competed in ERA and WHIP if my closer Addison Reed didn't shit the bed and give up 4 runs in a save opportunity. Goddammit. All things considered, it could've been worse since I could've had a horrible picture of me up on FB all next week, but nevertheless it's a sad end to my 12-week winning streak (though it's still a 13-week unbeaten streak). Just means it's time to start a new one.

Aaron vs. Oscar

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Dummies duel to draw

It was funny when it happened the first time, hilarious when it happened the second time, but now it's just sad. Oscar left Cliff Lee on the bench AGAIN this week for two more starts, which has become a regular occurrence, and wouldn't be a big deal except he traded for him! He is clearly beyond shame, and hopefully keeps it up next week since I'm playing him. Oscar's dereliction helped Aaron eek out a tie, and he only got it because the Shits' newly picked up closer, Boston's Koji Uehara, blew a save Sunday but got a vulture win when his team scored in the bottom of the ninth. Uehara did help the Shits pile up the saves, contributing three to the team's impressive total of nine (Ernesto Frieri added four). Aaron's dude Max Scherzer also did something no one else has done in 27 years, starting the season 12-0. Must be nice pitching with that Detroit offense supporting you.

Oscar salvaged the tie by mongering some more roids, as he is wont to do. Eight different guys got homers, which was plenty to top Aaron's light-hitting squad in that stat. However, all those roids slowed down the Mongers on the basepaths, allowing Aaron to pull out the SB category with an unimpressive three (Mike Trout was the only Roider with steals, picking up 2 along with a homer and a .435 average). Ian Desmond had the clinching steal on Sunday and the only impressive week for Aaron, picking up 3 HRs although had only a .227 average. Aaron was narrowly ahead 5-4 going into the Sunday night game, but the teams were tied in runs and each had Orioles playing. Oscar's dude Matt Wieters was the lone guy of that bunch to score, breaking the tie in runs while tying up the overall matchup at 5-5. Another unsatisfying tie this week..bleh.

Jesse vs. Eliot

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Bays' bunglers fold, Fuckyouselves further in first

"Fuck CJ." A message an annoyed Eliot posted earlier this week after a shitty start by C.J. Wilson proved portentous after Wilson ended up riding the pine on Sunday with multiple pitching stats at stake, and OF COURSE he threw a gem with 10 K's that would've helped the Bays tie K's and maybe win ERA. Of course. Was the benching on purpose or not? Doesn't matter...CHEDDAR BOB STRIKES AGAIN. Eliot's dudes did pile up the wins on the mound, and could have had even more with a little more luck with Strasburg, Weaver and the aforementioned CJ boner. Cueto's back on the DL though...how'd that pickup go for you? Told you so. We've covered this before, but Jesse's dude Matt Harvey had another ridiculous start but got screwed out of a win by the Mets' shitty offense. It really is a problem for you, although not the worst problem I suppose. Jesse's dudes came up clutch on the mound on Sunday though, taking over the ERA stat thanks to scoreless starts from both Gio Gonzalez and Masterson. He also wisely sat Kuroda for the Sunday night game with nothing to gain from starting him. That's a veteran move right there, take heed all you rooksters.

On the offensive side, I have to start off by repeating again that Miguel Cabrera really is ridiculously good at hitting. It's worth bringing up since Jesse could've taken him with the top pick in the draft but went with Cano instead. Ol' Robbie acquitted himself nicely this week with a HR and a .429 average, but Miggy went 7/5/7/.417 to top him and on the season, Cabrera is light years beyond Cano. Seriously, look at the stats for one vs. the other. I shudder to think what Jesse's already top-ranked squad could've done with those extra numbers. The FuckYourselves got a monster week from the finally healthy Hanley Ramirez (5/2/8/3/.455) and 2 jacks and a .400 average from Starling Marte, who is picking it up again after a big slump following his hot start. For Eliot, I was going to make fun of his team's namesake Puig for ONLY hitting in the high .300s this week, then the fucker went 4-for-5 on Sunday to end up .464 for the week. Unbelievable. However, Jesse added homers from Cano and Machado in the Sunday night game to win the HR and average stats, and is now pulling away from me in the top spot :(

Sean vs. Niko

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Sean squeaks out of skunking again

Before we get to this matchup, please just watch that Panda-cake GIF at least 10 more times. It's so dumb but so, so great.

Anyways, Sean really deserved another skunking here if the Nancies had gotten more than a mere two steals, but alas, it was not to be. Niko's guys did work on offense this week though, hitting a dozen homers and coming just one RBI short of the league record of 48. Jason Kipnis had himself a damn day on Friday in a doubleheader shitshow (the Indians scored 28 runs over the two games). Kipnis had 5 runs, 4 RBI and a SB in that single day, and had a 9/3/10/2/.478 line overall this week. Well done. Josh Donaldson added three jacks and a .500 average for the Swansons, he definitely deserves to be an All-Star this year. Sean didn't have a horrible week, nine homers and a .278 average ain't nothing to sniff at after all. In the middle of an awesome, awesome Giants losing streak this week, at least Posey had four dingers. Cold comfort for a fourth-place Giants team though...CAWWWWW.

Both these guys had pretty poopy pitching...Niko swept all five categories despite fairly mediocre stats. Only two wins? One was a bullshit one too when the crappy Marlins cheated and hit a walkoff grand slam against my Padres today :( Luckily for the Nancies, Sean got exactly zero wins, with a 5.50 ERA to boot. Yuck. Sean, you really should consider adding some more pitchers to your staff and maybe dump Pagan (is he even coming back by the end of the year?). Your pitching is definitely weighing you down. In any event, the win helped fourth-place Niko put some major distance between himself and the bottom half of the league, while poor Sean's Hammerheads continued their descent into the dark depths of the sea.

Poetry Predictions

AARON VS. SEAN
Sean just lost again
Aaron slowly catching up
Both trends continue
Prediction: Aaron, 7-3

DAN VS. OSCAR

Time to start another win streak
Oscar's chances will look bleak
When my guys unleash after such a lame tie
The Piggies are hungry, Mongers gonna fry
Prediction: Me, 7-2

JESSE VS. PETE

Yoenises vs. Yoenis, who will prevail?
The one with the real thing, Pete's fakers will fail
Also, Chris Davis can eat a dick
Don't have a rhyme, just wanted to say that
Prediction: Jesse, 6-4

NIKO VS. ELIOT
Battle of Jesse's friends
Who knows how this one ends?
I say Eliot ends his Cheddar Bob ways
Thanks to his guy Yasiel, who'll continue to amaze
Prediction: Eliot, 5-4

Were last week's predictions right? 3-0-1 (25-18-5 for the year, I was a goddamn Chris Davis homer away from a perfect week of picks. Did I mention yet that I hate him?)

Last Harbinger of Your Wasted Time

Where Fist Pigs Pride

With the landmark Supreme Court rulings this week striking down the Defense of Marriage Act and Prop 8, San Francisco was a proper shitshow on Sunday for the Pride Parade. Unlike the Bay to Breakers race, which was a sea of naked dudes' dicks, I spotted several pairs of bare breasts at this gathering and not a single dongle. Hurray for equality! I also walked by the place that begat my team name...THE FETISH ZONE. We didn't go in this time (go back to the Week 3 recap for last year's saga), but I snapped a picture to prove it exists not just in my dreams (or nightmares?).
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Right next to UC Hastings College of the Law...Pete, Eliot, et al, you lawyers are some sick bastards.

Alright, on that note, I bid another recap adieu,

-Dan

P.S. Pete, let's just save our incriminating photos for the next time our teams meet :-*