That Missouri Malarkey

June 20th, 1845

From the journalists who brought you That Treegap crap, we bring you...

St. Petersburg's one and only new source... That Missouri Malarkey!


In This Issue:

  • Three Boys Probably Drowning Somewhere in the Mississippi, Officials Say-Page 1
  • Interview With Mark Twain About His Book That, Technically, Shouldn't Come Out For Another 31 Years-Page 1
  • Dave The Steamboat Cap'n: My Life-Page 2
  • Studies Show Cats That Eat Are More Likely To Become Fat-Page 3

Three Boys Probably Drowning Somewhere in the Mississippi, Officials Say.

By Vivian Jiang, editor.

Early this Thursday, Tom Sawyer, Joe Harper, and Huckleberry Finn went missing. Now, of course, they could be out there having fun or something, like boys do, but them "officials" believe they "Done went and drowned right in that there middle of the channel there," according to Matthew Brown, a steamboat captain on the Mississippi. Several people figured that the kids had sailed off on a raft, but near noon the raft was found on the Missouri shore around five or six miles from the village. I say if they didn't drown, they would be home by now, being hungry. Tom Sawyer's aunt and Joe Harper's mother both report scolding their little boys, and them getting angry. It seems that these boys just went, got a friend, and drowned in the Mississippi when "swimming". Good for them! That's peaceful protest right there, I say! Anyways, if you find them, if they're drowning, save them, if they're walking around, take them in and call the police dept.

Interview With Samuel Clemens/Mark Twain About His Book That, Technically, Shouldn't Come Out For Another 31 Years

By Vivian Jiang, reporter

Three must-know questions about your new book that technically speaking, won't come out for another 31 years, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.


VJ: Mr. Twain, in your new book, I enjoyed your allusion to Robin Hood when the boys were playing games on the island. Why did you choose that particular allusion?


MT: Well, I loved Robin Hood as a kid, and you know my books are based off of me. Right? You know that? It's like reliving my childhood. -stares off into space-


VJ: ... Mr. Twain?


MT: ... Uh, right... so, well it seems like something a kid like Tom would play, and I'm sure everyone's heard of Robin Hood. (Especially with that Disney movie coming out in the future)


VJ: Right, so, um, why did you decide to make this particular story how it is, with the murder, then he forgets about that, fights with Becky, then goes off on an island?


MT: I guess that's just how life is. That's how mine was anyways-


VJ: Mr. Twain? Please, no more staring.


MT: Ugh, fine. Anyways, like life, they'll all kind of either resolve themselves, or, later, they [all the little mini-conflicts/stories] will end up popping back up, and resolving.


VJ: Alright. One last question. Overall, what do you want readers to get from your story?


MT: A moral? Nah, it more just shows the joy and innocence of children and the fun kids have... -silence-


VJ: Mr. Twain? You were saying?


MT: -shakes head- Oh, yes. I guess to kids in the future... have fun being a kid.


VJ: Okay, then, we are done! Bye, Mr. Twain. Hope your book does well in 31 years.


MT: Me too.

Mark Twain: Background For His Works (clip)