Baseball Bonerland!

Weeks 7 & 8: NOLA Hangover and Giants Suck Ass


Seriously, I question my life decisions after New Orleans. I thought I was prepared. I told myself, "Hey, I've done houseboats twice. I've partied in Vegas super hard. I've been on days long benders before. I can hang with New Orleans, no doubt." Well, I was wrong. I couldn't. Like a struggling-ass marathon runner who crosses the finish lining with bowed and wobbly legs, I returned to Sacramento last Monday night with heartburn, slight delirium, and this inevitable feeling that when I fell asleep I might never wake back up.

I did.


Not to mention the slight heatstroke I suffered that Tuesday morning in Ged's bed, since then life has been a rich pageant of playoff hockey, gym time, and shunning booze. Funny how good I feel when I'm not hungover every day ;)

Well, now that the Sharks have been eliminated my attention returns back to fantasy baseball. OMG my team sucks. I've got a lot of work to do here.

FUCK THE KINGS by the way. They are all pussy faced pieces of dogshit.

News and Notes From Around The World!

The Giants Are Dogshit-

Many of you probably do not care, and I am not quite sure that I do either, but the Giants are bad right now. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Their starting pitching is even worse than the **GASP** Rockies right now! THE ROCKIES! I don't know how long this slump will last and thankfully for them they aren't far out of first place but even Bochy said that they had hit rock bottom last night. I bet Dan thinks of all of this while he pecks at his dick in the shower early every morning. BTW, I recently took a piss in Dan's bathroom. It smells like 100% cat shit. You need to clean Lola's litter box, holmes. Wheeeew.

Warriors Did Something, Entire Bay Area Turned Out To Be Dubs Fans-

This was disgusting. Even after the bandwagon hysteria of the Giants in 2010 and 2012, I have never seen mass-bandwagon hysteria like the Warriors frenzy of 2013. Every where you would go there were 100 people wearing freshly purchased yellow Warriors shirts, jerseys, and hats. Some of them would even attempt to demonstrate their "OG" status by wearing a *gasp* We Believe shirt from all the way back in 2007!!! WOW. You fucking pussies weren't there when they sucked ass all through the 1990's-2000's. You don't know who Todd Fuller, Andrew Declerq, Victor Alexander, Donyell Marshall, and Tom Gugliotta are. So stop fronting like you give a fucking shit, stop acting the fool, stop fronting like you've been there all along silently waiting. You are all bandwagon pieces of shit. ALL OF YOU. It was a truly pathetic bandwagon performance by all of the idiots in the Bay Area.

Curtis Granderson: Cursed by Allah-

Ugh. You've gotta be shitting me. As if my team could not be any fucking worse (it could be, give me a week longer), Granderson comes back, goes 2-40, then breaks his hand. SMITE ME NOW ALMIGHTY SMITER.

I was going to go see After Earth one night but then I took 30 second to check out if it was a heaping pile of shit...

I'm glad I did.

Week Seven Matchups!

Week Seven featured a lot of very good performances from several teams. Most of the winning teams featured some iteration of 30/10/30 and the only hard luck loser was Ged (wah!). It isn't always the case but this was a good week for determining who was on top and who was on the bottom of the league standings. There is a growing divide between the have's and the have-not's in this league.


Big image Bodow, you must feel great shame. Correct me if I am wrong, boys, but I think this is the first skunking we've ever had in bonerland. Well, Matt, you silly stupid looking half-person who nobody likes and we all sort of tolerate only so we can cut you down and make fun of you behind your back....take a bow. This is all yours. Now shut the fuck up and make me some pasta.

Well, Paul Goldschmidt continued his winning ways this week dropping 6/3/5/.500/1583. Likewise, Adrian Beltre and Shin-Soo Choo (still a commish fave even though he is on the least-favored team in the league) combined for 12/3/7/~.350/~1100. All in all, it was a team gangrape on offense, and Bodow didn't even put up a fight. As Ged would say, "I guess you can't rape the willing?" Bodow's offense wasn't even anemic, it was just straight impotent. I would even make the argument that this is an example of whiskey dick offense (I would know, OK?).

The pitching staffs werent totally a smishmorshion, Bodow put up some decent numbers. But Matt's faggotry continued GOD I FUCKING HATE MATT, and he even started his pitchers. Darvish, Bucholz, and Mujica were dope. Mujica (yes, that same fat fuck who was featured on Showtime's The Franchise last year as a career journeyman who was never THAT great) had four saves last week for the MLB best Cards. I wish Matt hadn't paid his dues yet so I could freeze his team.

Fuck you, Matt. Nobody likes you.

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Winning is On The Ol' Agenda-

Dan must be feeling pretty good about himself for finally getting a dub under his belt. Dan launched a clean sweep on offense and the pitching categories weren't much better for Brian.

On offense, Dan's band of merry mouthbreathers were led by Adam Laroche who dropped a pretty line of 4/4/10/.304/1186. That's very cute :) Also, Dan's love Joey Votto dropped a 7/2/5/.583/1572, maybe finally matching some of CarGo's stats (PSYCH!). But all of Dan's offense proved too much for Brian to compete against with only Tulo posting respectable numbers 5/0/6/.375/844.

Brian threw down all Dan could handle with his pitching but in the end the pitching split wasn't enough to salvage a win. Chris Sale posted a 1w/12k's this week with no earned runs and Matt Harvey also whiffed six with a win. But that was all of Brian's pitching stats minus a few closers stats. Dan had far more firepower than Brian did, and was able to attack back with more force. Homer Bailey had 13k's and win, Matt Moore had two wins and 11k's, and though Rodney had a loss and an era above 16, Parnell and Bell each had 2 saves.

Hey. Brian. Gamesies.

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My Team Sucks Giant Donkey Dicks; Austin Prevails-

I really made this fucking easy for Cobra Kai. Like seriously, you could have started buffet platter of waiver wire rejectamente and still whipped my ass.

Willin Rosario and Mike Trout had a big hand in slapping my ass. Rosario, a mexican, posted 5/2/7/.318/939 while Trout buttblasted me 6/2/4/2/.238/1005. I don't like either of these people. Also, token black middle infielder Howie Kendrick had a 6/1/6/1/.500/1270. Bastards.

I give nobody on my team love. You all suck, why did I draft you?!?!

Max Scherzer and RA Dickey are to be thanked for preventing me from being the second sweep this week. Dickey had 10 k's and a win, while Scherzer had 7 k's and win. With those wins and Austin's extraordinarily high loss total, I was able to sidestep being swept. Thank god. I also want to thank Jim Johnson for his ERA of 45+. That's really stellar work there, bub.

For Austin, King Felix called and said, "LIGHTS OUT, Shhhhhhhh go to sleep." And that was it. 16k's aint nothing to fuxx with. But seriously, this matchup was over on Monday when Austin flexed his power vein. Ugh. Fuck you.

Also, hey, Austin FUCKING PAY ME.

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You Dared Him To Eat My Keys-

Another week and another taco-burger-taco win for Steggall. Ben, your team didn't suck boners this week but your inability to take a couple stats on offense prevented you from making a serious run at a win.

The Jack In The Box late night all-stars were lead by Red Sox nation as Papi and Pedo were the locomotives driving this train. Papi had a real Papi-sized week dropping 5/3/12/.458/1352, while Pedo had 9/1/5/.375/1089 at second base. The good news for the rest of us is that Papi is literally on his last achilles and who knows how long he will remain healthy. Baseball is kind of an easy sport so he might be able to make it through the rest of the year but also he is totally collapsing and his body is falling apart so he may not even make it past the all-star break. Lap it up while it lasts Patty, it can't last forever.

JJ Hardy and Aramis Ramirez had suitable weeks for Ben and deserve a pat on the head or maybe some belly rubs and a dog treat. Other than that, there wasn't a whole lot to support the rest of the offense. If you had taken a couple stats this would have been much more competitive but, alas, you didn't and it wasn't.

The Dreamz had six wins and 44 k's this week, which were plenty to take those categories. But a few inflated ERA's by Bens pitching staff prevented him from scoring the clean sweep he needed to win this matchup. Also, no saves hurt your chances big time. You really need a closer, dude.

For Jumbaco, jesus christ you have so many pitchers. You started them, it was appreciated, I'm not going to even bother getting into it.

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Saksen Gives Ged Gasolina-

This was close until the last day when Saksen's two bombs tied him up with Ged and gave himself the 1 point win. Congrats, u want gasolina? AND BALLS.

A study slugfest all week, this matchup came down to Ged's horrible ERA and his inability to squeeze one more bomb out of his lineup.

Poor Ged was competently led on offense by motherfuckin JASON KIPNIS who went beastmode (it never sleeps) 7/3/8/2/417/1398. I said GOD DAMN Joe Rogan. Not bad for a little jewish dude, AMIRITE? Backing him up was Andrew McCutchen who dropped an 8/2/3/2/308/1033. Ged probably would have won this matchup if Coco Crisp or Carlos Santana posted anything other than zeroes this week. It's always too bad to waste such good player performances. Ged still took 4 offensive categories and tied one. Not bad.

The toilet canines were led by Ryan Zimmerman 4/2/9/1/.385/1102, Matt Holliday 6/1/5/.280, and Saksen's favorite, Elvis Andrus who had three steals on the week. Impressively, Saksen had seven players with homers this week. Mike was able to steal away the RBI's category from Ged and that, my friends was all she wrote.

Pitching was pretty close but Saksen took the four categories he didn't tie.

Clayton Kershaw threw up 11k's with no earned runs and a sub-1 whip taking the victory, while Anibal Sanchez threw up 10k's on the week with a win and a loss. Backing them up, Mariano Rivera had a single save...which was enough to tie Ged. For Shame, Winston!

AJ Burnett and CC Sabathia had promising performances this week throwing up 10 and 13k's each with ERA below 3. Yet, neither of them took a win home to the bank and Ged's attempts at streaming were....bad. Phil Hughes posted a loss and an ERA of 94.5. Wow. That might be the highest one we've ever seen in Bonerland. Simply the best! Also, things are trending down for Ged in Giants land with Vogelsong bounced to the DL and Romo looking verrrrryyyyy hittable lately.

Beat it, nerds. Now buy me a Skinny Grenade and shut the fuck up.

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McMenaCharlie Conquers the Battle of Men...ver-

Charlie's clean sweep on offense is impressive. Josh, your offense was abysmal this week and deserved to be swept. Charlie doubled your RBIs! Amazing. And his 10 swipes are clearly the best of the week. Things got a little more even on the mound where Charlie did not enjoy nearly as much success as he did at the plate. Alas, lacking the strikeouts and wins, Josh was not able to eke out the tie.

Charlie's stupendous week on offense was made possible by the efforts of CarGo (8/3/8/3/375/1365), Jean Segura (5/1/5/4/387/955), and Brandon Phillips (4/1/5/.308). Charlie's depth this week was just far, far better than anything Josh threw up.

Speaking of vomit, let's look at Josh's offense. Well, its was completely Miguel Cabrera (7/4/7/.429) and even that was looking bleak until he posted a 4/3/5 on sunday! Talking about padding your stats Marleau-style.

Charlie's pitching was running like a river with him burning a pitcher every day. Chris Tillman did surrender 11 k's for you and the rest were of the 'who-gives-a-party' variety. AJ Griffin did have 13k's for you on the week and not to mention a sweet perm.

Josh's pitching was a little more seasoned than Charlies with Doug Fister throwing up 10k's in a win. Strangely, David Price got knocked around SUPER hard, throwing a single strikeout in the loss. Bad starts by Tim Hudson and the two streamers for Josh made his numbers susceptible to Charlie's smartbomb of streamers. Too bad. Would have liked the upset.

Well, we all know a land war on North America goes through the Rockies. Where Charlie stands firm, rock hard ready to blast in everybody's faces to show us how hard he is.

Also, Charlie, pay me.

Week 8 Matchups!

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Cocks! Cocks! Cocks! Fuck you, Bodow! COCKKKKKKSSSSSSS-

This was so close....PSYCH! Fuckin' A, I am terrible. I was a pile of smelly poop and Bodow was a firm, erect, pillar of fantasy baseball masculinity. Still, this sucks ass to be on the losing end of a skunking. At least I have my upset of Dan last year to prop up my fantasy baseball ego.

Dan Uggla had a nice week off the waiver wire (2/2/4/.300/1317), Josh Willingham had a solid week (4/3/5/.280/1040), and pretty much anybody on Bodow's roster was better than the pile of dog shit I cobbled together. Just to point out how shitty my team was, I think most of the teams in the league would have beaten me in at least 4 of the categories on offense.

Meanwhile, Bodow's pitching staff just went unconscious against my pithy penis paupers. Derek "Matt Brown" Holland had 10k's and a win, while Stephen Strasburg put it all together for an hour or two a couple times and had 16k's and a win. Those two were literally all he needed to take 5 of 6 pitching categories from me. Unreal. That's how bad my team was. GAyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I have no excuse. These aren't the penises I ordered...but they are the penises I deserve. I'll eat them in silence. :'-(

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The Cat Came Back, Again. The Countdown to Matt's Playoff Collapse Begins-

Poor Pat. You had it allllllll lined up up until the end. I gotta tell you we are all disappointed it. We wanted you to win this matchup. Not so much because we care about you but clearly because if there was one wish I could would be for Matt to find himself nose deep in the butthole of another person.

And yet, here we are. Fucking Matt did it again. Ugh, there is nothing in the world that gives me more displeasure than the thought of smarmy dogfaced annoying Matt being undefeated. Have you ever noticed that when you try to trade with Matt he always conditions his first offer with some shit statement like "How about xxx for yyy? I know you need shortstops." See what he's doing there? He's not trying to trade with you, he is just trying to tell you that he pays more attention to the league than you and that he knows everything about the teams in the league. Matt doesn't give a shit about trades, he just wants to get the credit for geeking out on the league.

I have thought several times about putting a bounty on Matt's head for $20. Yet, I have decided not to because I know Matt is so poor from supplying Brit with sufficient Kix and US Weeklys that he could really use the $10 from a split.

Pat's offense took 4 of 6 categories and was led by Fat Boy Evan Gattis (2/2/7/.375/1569). Could there be a more clearly country farmboy than Evan Gattis? His Bunyan-esque hands have fingers thick enough to clog my colon for...hours. Big Papi continued his pedestrian production (6/1/5/.250/796) as the Red Sox continue to be really annoying in their winning ways. Also, I want to point out that DAVID ORTIZ had two stolen bags this week. WOW.

I continue to wish I had taken Matt up on his trade offer of Chris Davis for Ben Zobrist before the season started. He became the first player to hit 20 bombs this season and during week 8 he had 7/4/6/.480/1661. This ties in with the general theme of week 8 for me: "COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS."

Matt was able to tie Pat with his win of 4 pitching categories. Surprisingly, Matt took wins even though he is a fat pussy who has like eventeen closers. Fuckkkk youuuuuu!

Trivia Question: Which piece of shit on Matt's roster was once the main piece traded by the Giants to the Marlins for Robb Nen? Yep, you got it. Forever a journeyman and boner for several teams, Jason Grilli has now found his niche being maybe the top closer in the league this year for the 13-over Pirates. He had 3 saves this week. Matt Cain had a decent start this week for once. Matt was lucky to

Pat had more impressive starters this week than Matt but still lost 4 categories. WEAK. Shaun Marcum had 12k's and no decision while Mike Minor had 10k's and a win. Big Game James also had a good start but took the loss for the backsliding Royales With Cheese.

I don't want to talk about Matt anymore. He makes me angry. FUCK YOU KAT8011111111111.

Steve Martin Christmas Wish
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A clean sweep on offense made it prettay prettay easy for Josh to claim this week for his second win on the year. Brian really made it easy with what scientists are calling a "putrid" offensive performance.

Did you know?: Brian STILL has Wil Myers on his roster. I don't see any reason for him to release him but I am not sure if TB will ever call him up. Looks like they might after this article below appeared....

Still, this was a thumping across the board. Brian took 4 categories in the pitching stats via closer-only bull(shit?)pen work. Remember when Brian predicted that he would "be like Saksen, only with better offense?" I guess we haven't really seen that yet.

The Scotch club was led by (of course) Miguel Cabrera's 7/3/10/.364/1300 and Torii Hunter's 5/1/2/.316/988. He also had 4 player score 4 or more runs on the week. It wasn't an overwhelming victory but it was there.

Bungfield had a bevy of mediocre poos poos this week. Yadier Molina had 3/0/3/381/916. That's nice, right?

On the bump, Joe Nathan had 3 saves for Brian while Papshmire and Glen Perkins had one save and 3 k's each. Kewl. Surprisingly, Brian won 4 of the categories after Matt Harvey was knocked around a bit. Why? Because Josh's pitching was....worse! Ryan Dempster (no way!) got knocked around, posting an era of 12. Hishahi Iwakuma had 14k's with no decisions and an era of 4.5. I'm not even going to get into strikeouts here because this was a bloodbath and Brian wasnt even trying to win K's. God, this bitchwork is so stupid. David Price being on the DL may have prevented you from pitching an 11-1 stomping but if there was a good time to have your ace on the dole, it might be now.

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Alright, Charlie. You know what's fucking unacceptable? I haven't sent you the trophy from last year. I promise to get it done ASAP and I am throwing a bottle of whiskey in there. It's just not fucking acceptable. BUT, when I do send it I'm going to start asking you to pay me :-*

Austin, you too, fishmonster.

Austin took 3 offensive categories but Charlie's pitching was better, taking the pitching categories 4-1, sealing the win.

Charlie's pitching was led to the promised land in a very uncharacteristic fashion. His three wins from Verlander, Griffin, and Liriano were from two shaky starts by Verlander and Griffin, and just a SHUT DOWN 9k, 0runs start by Liriano. Likewise, Charlie was able to stream a save from Mark Melancon.

Meanwhile, across the diamond Austin got 9k's from King Felix and Kris Medlen but neither of them took home a win, and Felix took a loss with an era of 8 and a whip of 2. Similarly, Dan Haren's 10 k's helped Austin win the strikeout war but his 4.5 ERA and helped Charlie take the majority of the pitching categories.

Charlie's offense was most impressive in the runs category where he had five players score six or more runs on the week. Adam Jones was the most impressive MunzyBaller on the week scoring a 7/4/4/1/323/1097 while CarGo wasn't far behind with his 6/3/5/1/296/103, and Joey Bats was trying hard to keep up with his 6/2/5/1/500/1236.

Mike trout finally had a pretty great week, posting 10/2/7/4/.462/1385 and Dr. Dickface Hamilton had a 4/3/6/273 week, which wasn't as crappy as he's been lately. Austin's shiny little jewel were his 38 RBI's. He had 4 guys with at least 6 rbi's, and Adrian Gonzalez and Trout each had 7. That's impressive stuff.

This was a very solid slapfight between two dirty streetwalkers. In reminds me of this gold...

that's the full version, but for a quick run through of the craziness, here's this..
Pregnant Hoes Fighting at Burger King in Oakland
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TWELVE stolen bases? Fuuuuuuck. Well, you know who was CLEARLY the best player on the Ptero Ptweens, Coco Crisp. Coco is a big fan of Coco's work, Coco thinks you should keep Coco on your roster, Coco thinks you should trade Coco to a better team like the Stixx so Coco can play Coco's game for a winner. Coco had 7/0/3/2/400/1038 and thinks you acting the fool. Andrew McCutchen, Ged's first round pick #3 overall right?, posted a 4/1/3/3/.400/1000 for the previously mentioned surging Pirates. Not to be outdone, Nick Swisher is enjoying a nice renaissance in Cleveland, posting a 3/1/3/.400/1145 with his old buddies Terry Francona and Jason Giambi. I think I've told you my Swisher stories before, he's a cool ass dude.

But, as much as I like Ged winning, I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with Dan being in last place. Dan, you think it has anything to do with this email I sent out?

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either way, you suck ASSSSsssss. Joey Votto had a nice week (8/2/3/.381/1185) but I liked that you are finally admitting in public that Charlie trade-raped you. O, how the mighty doth touch the sun and descend so quickly. I would write more about Dan's team but I just loooove wrapping myself in his last-placeness and warming myself with the thought of him trying so, so, so, so hard and just being dogshit in last place. Love it.

Dan did have a nice pitching week, winning a solid two categories with Cole Hammels notching 16k's in two losses. Yep, it's been that kind of season for Dan. I love every little text he sends me griping about his team being cursed, some break going against him, some quality start that turned into a loss. Wah? At what point does it cease being a curse and start accepting the fact that your team jusssst sucksssss?

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And for a dessert, we have the AutoDraft All-Stars taking down the Sheriff' Department Dirt in the Skirts. Well, at least he won one category.

The autodrafts were lead by the chosen Greek, Nick Markakis (5/2/5/.421/1311). And backing him up was....fuck, Saksen has quality depth across the board. This was a team win. Saksen has 10 players with at least 2 runs and 7 players with 2 RBI's or more. UGH. I root for you to fail all the time and you are starting to let me down with more frequency.

Ben, I say this every week don't I? Ben had a good pitching week and still lost his matchup. It's just not fair that you had an ERA of 2.6 and a 1.16 WHIP and you still lost. But you did. :( Ben had really cute weeks from Lance Lynn and Jonathan Niese but he still got out done by Anibal Sanchez and the shutout marauders. Saksen just beat you Ben. Across the board :(

Mark Trumbo though, he's having a great season. Wonder if he will shit the bed again this season. I'm betting.....yes.

New Orleans: The Dumbest Thing We've Ever Done. A Photo Essay.

I don't know why half of these photos keep reformatting sideways but it is what it is :(
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And, with that, you can all go blow yourselves.