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Trump Takes Dump on American Flag, Wipes Ass with Constitution

In the middle of a press conference held at the National Archives in Washington, D.C., Republican presidential front runner Donald Trump farted to the tune of the National Anthem before dropping his pants and doing his business on an American flag that had been presented to him just seconds earlier by the Daughters of the American Revolution.

"This is going to smell terrific," Trump assured the stunned room of reporters. "It's going to smell so good, you won't even believe it. It will be such an improvement. Trust me."

After evacuating his colon on our most cherished symbol of American democracy, he used the original copy of the U.S. Constitution as toilet paper.

"It's surprisingly soft for such an old document," he commented. "I hope it holds."

The big deuce came in response to one reporter's aggressive questioning of the New York billionaire's plan to ban all Muslims from entering the United States. After appearing agitated by the question, Trump let loose a barrage of flagellation roughly resembling the melody of the National Anthem, and then began to grunt one out.

Trump's poll numbers skyrocketed upon news of his flag defecation, leaving journalists and establishment Republicans wondering what in God's name they had created.

Rank-and-file Republicans saw it differently.

"He's doing what we've all wanted to do but couldn't because of the liberal P.C. police," said Steve Salinger, an accountant and loyal Trump supporter.

Asked why he would want to soil something he loved, Salinger said he's into all kinds of kinky stuff.