PERSONAL MSDS ( Johnson, 0 hour)

(Alternatively titled: A Gross Overuse of Parentheses)

ELEMENT: NIKOLAIJ GABRIEL OPRYSK

Atomic mass 174 kg

Discovered by ZENON OPRYSK and STEPHANIE DANCER (10/30/1999)

Naturally occurs in southern territories, very low quantities above the Mason-Dixon line. Rare deposits in Port Isabel and Matamoros.

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Surface properties: Blond, Blue-eyed, 5'9", obnoxiously curly hair if untreated, copious amounts of small scars.

Boils when lied to.

Melts if kept in the (figurative) dark.

May cause havoc if left unattended in strange environments.

Loses plasticity if exposed for too long.

Apparently tastes bitter.

Specimens may be found in following states:


  • Despondent if kept in forced isolation
  • Manic if exposed to new environments
  • Unruly if ignored
Big image

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Repelled by bright light and petty duplicity.

Attracted to dark, secure places. (there's actually some extremely cool psychology behind that but this is a chemistry project so)

Flammable when exposed to unresolved conflict(s).

Requires copious amounts of attention and patience.

Is inert if left alone.

Will (often accidentally) repel anyone and anything regardless of intention

Is impervious to literally nothing everything hurts and I'm not sure what I'm doing here. (Other sources disagree, and claim element is impervious to most forms of physical and emotional damage but really.)