Changing the Question
Shifting From Power Struggles To Powerful Connection
The Big Question
The age old question. Parents are overwhelmed, overworked, and probably still sleep deprived from the newborn stage, even if that was 5 years ago. The last thing we want to do is battle our child over meal time, or bed time, or transition times. So let's look at unpacking this essential question to better understand it.
How do we GET her to listen?
Well, the real answer here is, we can't. Getting someone to do something is generally done through coercion, threats, or force. Which is not what parents are really looking to do when we are asking this question.
How do we get her to LISTEN?
Let us ask ourselves this: is it about listening or obeying?
Chances are, our children are listening to us. They can hear us. They simply are choosing to do something else.
So what is the question parents are really asking?
Why does my child push back on what I say?
If that sounds more like what you are actually wondering, congratulations! You are probably raising a strong-willed child.
Strong-Willed Children
- Outspoken
- Determined
- Persistent
- Spirited
- Courageous
- Experiential
These children do not take instruction at face value, but question everything. They want to learn things for themselves rather than by being told by someone else. They test limits over and over and over again, just to make sure. These children can be...let's just say it: frustrating.
Some light at the end of the tunnel for any parents that are currently raising a strong willed child: research has shown that children with these personality traits grow up to be higher earners, often heading into adulthood as CEO's, world leaders, and entrepreneurs. They are also less likely to succumb to peer pressure in their teens, as "doing it because everyone else is doing it" just doesn't appeal to them.
Rooted in Temperament
Strong-willed children generally display high reactivity, meaning they react more strongly to external factors than others.
This belief that adults somehow have the power to control children's behavior is filled with unattainable expectations and power struggles. Remember, we can't GET our children to do anything. What we can do, is connect with them.
Let's ask a different question instead: what is preventing my child from following my lead?
Check out the resource below from Conscious Discipline, the social and emotional learning framework we use as a school to guide our practice. It highlights the ideas of Free Will and Choices as the basis for coaching children through situations while avoiding power struggles.
A Day At The Park
Let's say you are at the park with your child and it is time to go home. You know your child tends to push back when you have to leave. What do you do?
First, always try to give your child a warning for a transition. Let them know it is coming before it needs to happen. "Charlie, you have have 5 more minutes to play before we are going to go home for lunch"
When it is time to leave:
- Call your child over in a calm, cool voice.
- Get down on their level and look them in the eyes.
- State your directions.
- Validate their feelings.
- Offer 2 acceptable choices.
"Charlie, come here. I can see you are having so much fun at the park today! It is time to go home to eat lunch. I know, you wish we could stay longer to play. We can play trucks or build with Legos after lunch. Which would you rather do?"
If there is more pushback "I know, you wish we could stay longer to play. It feels frustrating when we have to stop doing something fun. We can come back to the park tomorrow. Would you like to hold my hand and walk to the car or would you like to race to the car?"
Now, will this work the first time or even the 20th time? Will it work tomorrow because it worked today? Maybe. Maybe not. It is a tool to build trust in the relationship. With consistent boundaries, your strong-willed child will know what to expect from you (this is actually true of ALL children). Children behave most agreeably when they feel connected to the adults in their lives. When children can feel safe that they are loved, seen, and accepted by their adults, they experience the world differently.