The News Kingdom
New News for the New Kingdom
I am desperate for help finding my lost cow because I need it for milk, cheese, and meat. If I don't find this cow, I will not be able to put food on the table for my beautiful wife and daughter. Bless you and please look for my cow. I live in a small house in Memphis and I am willing to give 500 bushels of wheat to whoever finds my cow. I am quite aware of the new app Find My Cow but I am not wealthy enough to buy it. If any of you have the app, you are looking at 500 bushels of wheat right in front of you.
New Place of Worship
The new Tarp Temple is the place to be... when you pray to our AMAZING gods. It will be open tomorrow on Rameses Boulevard. The temple is the largest in all of Thebes and has 6 rooms for services. We are having many events scheduled all year such as death anniversary parties of past gods, worshipping services, and education sessions. Switch today to the Tarp Temple!
Today marks the 304th anniversary of the death of Ahmose I. The priests decided to hold a party for Ahmose I, who defeated the Hyksos and gave us freedom, starting the New Kingdom where we live today. The party will start when the sun sets at the Tarp temple. Please bring food to offer to Ahmose I and the gods because we want them to be happy. See you there!
Best Jokes of the Nineteenth Dynasty (So Far)
Q: How do you use an Egyptian door bell?
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of coffee?
Rameses Minor Wife Pregnant
This morning we have just received word that one of Rameses' minor wives has become pregnant. Please bring flowers and congratulate Sabrina on Rameses' 94th kid. The baby shower will be held at the restaurant called, Asian's.
Calling All Gifted!
We have seven open spots for our school in Thebes. You must pass the test and pay 500 silver coins for your SON to be admitted to our fabulous education. We teach literature, writing, and arithmetic. Your child will be working from dawn to dusk. We have been commended for our teaching for 127 long years. Rameses said, "This is the best teaching I've ever seen; the scribes are amazing."
Moses Denied by the Great Rameses
The day before yesterday, Moses came back to the kingdom. He had converted to Judaism! He made a ridiculous request; he requested that Rameses free the Jews! He even threatened Rameses with Moses' god's fury! Moses has been exiled from the kingdom because of his traitorous acts, and I am sure that Rameses will be protected by our almighty Egyptian gods.
GameStop coming to Thebes!
Visit the new Egyptian game store that everybody is talking about. Our new arrivals feature board games such as Senet, Mehen, and the twenty-five squares game. We are located on Stop Boulevard in Thebes. It is very unlikely to miss this store while walking around the city. So "stop" by and buy a game for you and the people you love. GameStop brings the power to the Egyptians.
Incoming Intermediate Period?
We have had a few skirmishes with the Nubians. There have also been some disagreements between upper and lower Egypt. Although these "easy-to-fix" problems are being occurred, I am sure our LEGENDARY pharaoh, Rameses has everything under control. Here's what he had to say."I can fix this and I will! All I need is an army that actually fights for me!" We hope that we can get things back on track. Don't panic because nothing bad has happened ... yet.
We have had small sandstorms all over Memphis and it looks like it will be spreading south toward Thebes. The sandstorms have shown no signs of mercy as they get larger and larger and we all cower in fear. Nefertari has some comforting words though. She said that we just had to believe in Darude. We will keep you posted on sandstorm news. Darude!!!