Hot Ice Best 2014: A Year in Review

Nothing to see here

It's obviously been a while since my last Hot Ice dish. I like to let the gaping vag wounds of my annual semifinal loss fester for a good two or three months before revisiting them with a pint of Knob Creek. Since my Week 24 Dish, let's get up to speed on what's been going on in our group:

- I went to Europe

- Pete got drunk

- Charlie didn't party

- Claude Giroux showed his NeonDion colors

- The Sharks won the Stanley Cup

I should also mention that Mike and I won a gigantic shiny first place trophy in a South Lake Tahoe tournament. I was of course the tournament leader in goals, assists, points, and sportsmanship. Mike took hella shots because of this. I was sober the whole time and felt great afterward.

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1st Place - NeonDion PewpMachine

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Not pictured: Mike shutting up

2nd Place - Hot Ice Beast

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For all you other losers:

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Championship week matchups

The Bridesmaid: There Can Only Be One (NeonDion 9, Beast 4):

The prospect of a guaranteed uber-bridesmaid before this matchup even began gave me something to live for after my collapse to the PewpMachine. Fantasy sports for the Saksen franchise, while lucrative, has been fraught with shame, embarrassment, and disgrace (famiry). But I guess that's what you get when a) you let your heart win, and b) you have a stupid team name based on a stupid pun from a stupid fantasy hockey league. For those who don't understand the gravity of Mike's accomplishment:

2013: Baseball Bonerland (Baseball) - 2nd Place

2014: Late Night (Football) - 2nd Place

2014: Hot Ice Best (Hockey) - 2nd Place

That is three consecutive second place finishes, spanning every major fantasy sport. Please donate to my Kickstarter so I may commission a second place trophy in the likeness of Mike. Yes he will be naked. Mike may be laughing all the way to the bank, but when he gets there the teller is going to inform him that his winnings are actually joint-owned by him and Jess, and that "their" money is being syphoned off into a slush fund dedicated to remodeling the kitchen, which Mike will obviously do all by himself while Jess shuffles boxes around in the living room CANASSAAAAAAAA.

Anyway, back to the matchup. I forget how most of it went down, but I can tell you that Pete caught Mike on his moon blood, and if there's one thing Pete has nailed down, it's sniffing out late nite prey. Jeff Carter? Average to above-average all season, then Dr. Dunkles when it counts? Sure! That could be said for a couple of Pete's unsuspecting players, but to his credit he wins the Bob Seger award for Night Moves. Pete put in the man-hours to study the science of what he wanted to do, and made pretty much all the right moves at calculated times. Fuck your spreadsheets nerd. Mike, much like I, was all but dead in the water starting early in the week. He's also a bridesmaid.

Blah Blah Blah (ELBOWS 11, 'NADOs 1):

Austin was asleep at the wheel, as is tradition. Maybe he didn't know he could win his $40 back? I was playing to stay in my comfort zone of 3rd place, and coasted to an easy 11-1 dub. It was obvi another disappointing season for the ELBOWs. ELBOW faves Hartnell and Ribeiro slowed down significantly, and I couldn't get myself to drop them. Newly acquired ELBOW superstars Cooch, Toews, and Koivu all panned out quite well overall but capered my butt hole with injuries when I needed them most.

Summer with Ziggly

Pete and Matt are similar in that they both have excellent dick faces, but different in that Pete has actually submitted Summer with Ziggly pixxxx. For those who are curious (no one), Lord Ziggly is happily collecting dust atop Pete's refigerator and awaiting some crack head to break into his Oakland apartment and abscond with it.

Pete's got a real jam-packed schedule for the summer, so don't hold your breath on any further ZIggly pix. What he should've done, if he weren't such a dumb idiot, is bring it on our roady (which we are currently on) to Iowa. But if he's not interested in the American Tour de Zigglois, so be it. Take a shot pussy. Then fire a bottle rocket up my ass.


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**Other notable news**

The Cat's Meow: A Cat Story

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Our defending champion finished a disappointing 7th place this year, but with each new season comes another way for Matt's fantasy hubris to rise from the ashes. This past season we may have finally discovered what really fuels Matt's fantasy hockey momentum, and that is fantasy football. In Tier 2, could Matt rediscover the confidence that propels him to Cat Fancy Stardom? Or will he be demoted to wastelands of the unformed Tier 3? Will he give Saksen trAIDS before the season even starts? All of these questions could be answered starting when Matt drinks four 40s in 20 minutes to win the first draft choice. In the meantime, Matt will be trolling HF Boards and to plunder the useless treasure trove of information that is found there.

Autodrafting Charlie huffed and puffed and then fell asleep at 830pm

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He's so cute ;p Despite Charlie's fradey cat draft this year (wherein he somehow got Malkin at #9), he did remarkably well for going 0-7 to start the season. But sure enough, Mark Messier made sure to let me know that a) I am a ******, and b) he was going to make playoffs. Alas, those dreams were snuffed out like a Joe Finegan trail mix inferno mere weeks before playoffs began. Better luck next year you seksi fanamee boi ;p


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(Yes, I've been holding onto this one for a while)

Pasey, Luzum

I have nothing to say because you apparently don't exist. Especially Pat.


This year's DC has yet to be determined, but I am toying around with new / seksi ideas. The alcohol / power eating has been a success, but I am open to other avenues. So, if you have any ideas, email them to me. Please keep in mind that I will be living in Iowa when this happens, so pretty much everything will have to be done via Skype.
That does it for me. I shall be sending out another dish regarding the Draft Challenge somewhat soon. This will also be the last S'more dish. Saksen, Pete, and I have hive-minded our respective dish-writing responsibilities into one website:

You'll notice that Pete's section is the shortest.

Alright bonerboiz, I'm out.

Fuckin taste me,