WEEK 6 DI$H
Startin the week off right - insomnia and scotch
NICE HUSTLE JON!!!
It's strange to see Jon wear 746, he's usually 22, which a lot of people don't know because he spends most of his time on the bench. Jonten makey bad dlesizions, disglace famiry!!
I genuinely thought about scrapping the entire di$h so I could spend 4-5 hours making fun of the atomic dogshit abortion that is Jon's team. But then I found out something even more interesting....
I genuinely thought about scrapping the entire di$h so I could spend 4-5 hours making fun of the atomic dogshit abortion that is Jon's team. But then I found out something even more interesting....
GOOGLE IS A FUCKING RACIST
When looking for a picture to start off this di$h, and freshly after crunching Jon's stats (which I will save for a time when I need a laugh), I naturally google image searched for "retarded kid." Got mostly the expected including that gem upstairs, but more importantly look to the right in the category section up top.
Thats right boys and girls, Google thinks Black is a kind of retarded.
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Statistical Anomalies
Perfection is unattainable. Thank you, KKK, for dealing TDS their first loss, and in impressive fashion. No more zeros on the records, but Jon had a lot of them this weekend; it's like the zero point goblin tied Bush to the radiator and forcibly bukkaked on him for decades and decades. At least Amendola and Shorts have an excuse. Woods and Graham are just dripping with the gooey mess for no reason. If only Jon had started Michael Bush, Christine Michael and David Wilson who...wait they all had 0 too?! Holy shit Jon you officially have the lowest score and team score in the history of late night. And that includes a league where Matt won!!!!1111!!12@@3123$$$!!
3 teams this week scored 113 and none of them lost. That is remarkable. I mean...it's horrible, but remarkable. Aaaaaand stat correction, nevermind. The cat came back.
Jon's WRs scored 4 points, not 4 points each. FOUR. In combination. This is also a league record. Dan's scored 49 for comparison. Bush also set the cellar in TE points with, you guessed it, zero. Lacey gets an honorable mention for 2 + 1 from her TE and TE flex (dipshit).
Oren's top QB was on his bench, which is amazing because it was Flacco and he started Manning and Rodgers.
Late Night Scoring Average: 128.7. Probably a new record low. Fuck Beans.
Tier II Scoring Average: 127.3. Shortest-lived record ever. Beat it you rocks, you dolts, you less than senseless things.
3 teams this week scored 113 and none of them lost. That is remarkable. I mean...it's horrible, but remarkable. Aaaaaand stat correction, nevermind. The cat came back.
Jon's WRs scored 4 points, not 4 points each. FOUR. In combination. This is also a league record. Dan's scored 49 for comparison. Bush also set the cellar in TE points with, you guessed it, zero. Lacey gets an honorable mention for 2 + 1 from her TE and TE flex (dipshit).
Oren's top QB was on his bench, which is amazing because it was Flacco and he started Manning and Rodgers.
Late Night Scoring Average: 128.7. Probably a new record low. Fuck Beans.
Tier II Scoring Average: 127.3. Shortest-lived record ever. Beat it you rocks, you dolts, you less than senseless things.
Faces in the Crowd
WILD CARD: Thaddeus Lewis and Joseph Fauria both left 21 on the waiver wire. Fuaria had 3tds on 3 catches...what?! Thad Lewis looks to be the next cat up. GL with that Matt.
ANTI-NIRVANA: Dear old commish started Henne over Foles...disglace famiry. Joey sat 22 from Jacobs and 15 from Rudolph in a win. Lacey really takes the cake, sleeping in, starting an injured player whose replacement dropped 15. Lace you think that would have made a difference in your 2p loss? Maybe yeah.
DIRK DIGGLER: 32 from VD?! god DAMN joe rogan. I'm sure he won't drop off of fantasy earth after this like always. 32p from the unowned StL D as well, playing Houston seems like a good thing.
MR. CELLOPHANE: Jon scored a bunch of 0s and was unable to break the 80p barrier. The afternoon games were SO SO unkind.
PERFECTION: 321 is all it takes to be perfect. In a strange twist there are FOUR unowned players on the list this week.
qbs Cam 30 Foles 29
wrs VJax 23 Blackmon 21Marshall 20 KKKooper/DeSean 18
rbs Moreno 28 Lynch 26 JChar 24
te VD 32
flex: wr KKKooper/DeSean 18 rb Ridley/Jacobs 22 te Fauria 21
k Crosby 16
dst StL 32
ANTI-NIRVANA: Dear old commish started Henne over Foles...disglace famiry. Joey sat 22 from Jacobs and 15 from Rudolph in a win. Lacey really takes the cake, sleeping in, starting an injured player whose replacement dropped 15. Lace you think that would have made a difference in your 2p loss? Maybe yeah.
DIRK DIGGLER: 32 from VD?! god DAMN joe rogan. I'm sure he won't drop off of fantasy earth after this like always. 32p from the unowned StL D as well, playing Houston seems like a good thing.
MR. CELLOPHANE: Jon scored a bunch of 0s and was unable to break the 80p barrier. The afternoon games were SO SO unkind.
PERFECTION: 321 is all it takes to be perfect. In a strange twist there are FOUR unowned players on the list this week.
qbs Cam 30 Foles 29
wrs VJax 23 Blackmon 21Marshall 20 KKKooper/DeSean 18
rbs Moreno 28 Lynch 26 JChar 24
te VD 32
flex: wr KKKooper/DeSean 18 rb Ridley/Jacobs 22 te Fauria 21
k Crosby 16
dst StL 32
Flex Usage
Eli so crazy. Where is he in court?!
RB: TDS (3) KKK (22) Ugh (11) Cat (15)
17-10
WR: HD (13) JC (10) Bush (3) Red (10) Jiz (1)
11-14
TE: DCS (2)
2-7
I think the pattern is established, I'm not gonna bother keeping track anymore. If anyone wants me to I will but trying to cut stuff out. Same can be said for position analysis, but I may keep that one another week.
RB: TDS (3) KKK (22) Ugh (11) Cat (15)
17-10
WR: HD (13) JC (10) Bush (3) Red (10) Jiz (1)
11-14
TE: DCS (2)
2-7
I think the pattern is established, I'm not gonna bother keeping track anymore. If anyone wants me to I will but trying to cut stuff out. Same can be said for position analysis, but I may keep that one another week.
TO THE MATCHUPS.....
Finally Solved 154-147: Ding-dong the little bitch is dead. Thank God I sent my Tier II commish assassin out to Menver this weekend to give Chuck so much alcohol he didn't go to be until 11pm. Disappointing days from Chuck's QBs (that makes 6 straight) while Joey got an unexpectedly good day from Stafford. Marshawn and Ridley are both deserving of felation for their performances. The difference is Marshawn has a chance to do it again. Bold prediction not far off.
Bye week win for commish 113-79: Who needs Foles?! Jon sucks amirite? I'm too embarrassed to actually take much credit for this week, but that's me alone in 3rd. Jon I just wish I could have seen your face Sunday night when you checked your lineup. Your tears would have slaked a thirst so deep in me I would've exploded my magma on your forehead. SSSSIIIIIMMMMBBBAAAAAAA.
Jiz runs Red 150-107: When Rodgers and Manning combine for only 31 Oren's toast. 1s from Torrey and Washington aren't helping but everyone else did pretty much as expected, no one stepped up with a big week for O-town. Commish fave however asserted his dominance and crushed some skulls. VD Allen and DeSean all flexed throbbing power veins on Jiz' nostrils. Not starting the Dallas D was a huge mistake, then Greg could have claimed top score going away.
Devastating Monday night KO 156-153: Pete must have been fucking dying Monday night as his chances of victory slowly slipped away. My predictions about this matchup were pretty impressive, Teedle Mancakes even sat Jennings. Of course if he had started Bennett over Garrett he'd have won, but oh well, Pete sucks. Dan got tremendous penis power Blackmon VJax Moreno and Charles to slap Pete's silly ass to the cellar.
I refuse to break down this matchup: The kickers were the most remarkable players on each team. Should be expected of a cat and a pussy. Relegation watch for both of you.
Bye week win for commish 113-79: Who needs Foles?! Jon sucks amirite? I'm too embarrassed to actually take much credit for this week, but that's me alone in 3rd. Jon I just wish I could have seen your face Sunday night when you checked your lineup. Your tears would have slaked a thirst so deep in me I would've exploded my magma on your forehead. SSSSIIIIIMMMMBBBAAAAAAA.
Jiz runs Red 150-107: When Rodgers and Manning combine for only 31 Oren's toast. 1s from Torrey and Washington aren't helping but everyone else did pretty much as expected, no one stepped up with a big week for O-town. Commish fave however asserted his dominance and crushed some skulls. VD Allen and DeSean all flexed throbbing power veins on Jiz' nostrils. Not starting the Dallas D was a huge mistake, then Greg could have claimed top score going away.
Devastating Monday night KO 156-153: Pete must have been fucking dying Monday night as his chances of victory slowly slipped away. My predictions about this matchup were pretty impressive, Teedle Mancakes even sat Jennings. Of course if he had started Bennett over Garrett he'd have won, but oh well, Pete sucks. Dan got tremendous penis power Blackmon VJax Moreno and Charles to slap Pete's silly ass to the cellar.
I refuse to break down this matchup: The kickers were the most remarkable players on each team. Should be expected of a cat and a pussy. Relegation watch for both of you.
Posishunzzzz
This week's positions brought to you by Bukkake. I don't understand why that lady looks upset...maybe there weren't enough guys?
QB
1) Jiz 293 2) HD 255 3) FYRB 237 4) Red 221 5) KKK 195 6) Ugh 193 7) DCS 189 8) TDS 178 9) K4t 159 10) JC 156
WR
1) JC 270 2) RED 266 3) TDS 256 4) KKK 238 5) UGH 202 6) JIZ 199 7) DCS 194 8) cat 193 9) HD 164 10) Bush 138
RB
1) ugh 241 2) HD 205 3) TDS 209 4) jc 166 5) cat 156 6) Jiz 153 7) bush 152 8) kkk 151 9) Red 135 10) dcs 133
TE
1) fyrb 105 2) red 76 3) kat 73 4) tds 55 5) kkk 53 6) hd 51 7) dcs 50 8) JC 46 9) ugh 26 10) jiz 15
Predixxxxxx
Movin on up: After one week at #1 Penis Viper gets smoted by Commish Fave Red 146-134. Greg has some DREAM qb matchups which is the complete opposite of KKK. I'm excited to see Spiller vs FJax but I'm worried Fred will win that battle. Greg should hope Reggie Bush gets injured this week cuz his RB3 is real weak. Bold prediction: McCoy <10p in a shootout.
Ditka Syndrome: I actually think this one will come down to the wire, but Chucky takes it 136-130. Pete has a good bye-week fill in with Tannehill at home against Buffalo. Having 9 RBs from Oakland who is on a bye is not helping tho. I'm interested to see what Pete's waiver/trade moves look like as he only has 2 active RBs. Forte will go bananas against Wash in the screen game. Bold prediction: Defenses both score >20.
Commish skates to 2 straight: Matt your team is decimated and you're starting Palmer against Seattle. I'm sure the change for Freeman will change the fact that he's a knuckle-dragging pothead. Just hand the ball to AP and collect your paycheck. Dez Bryant will feed me my own shit but I'm hoping it's not enough. Your RB matchups are truly dogshit. Foles against Dallas and Rivers at Jax? OH YEAH. JC 169-131 Bold prediction: Josh Freeman scores less than Henne.
What will Jonny do? Jon is in line to be what we call a buyer. His walking wounded are going to get smashed unless he gets some help. Luck and Dalton have good matchups but the WR corps is truly wretched. Peterson may have a good game but your RBs are no better than this week. Blackmon and VJax will repeat their shenanigans from this weekend, burning sum buuusshheezzzz Ugh 132-121. Bold prediction: Jon get low score in the league. Again.
Oren walks proud once again: Manning and Rodgers get back in stride to the tune of 65, everyone else on Oren's roster does nothing. Lacey has a promising day from Griffin and Brady but it's not quite enough. Lacey's WRs really could use some help, a hobbled Megatron is no Megatron at all. Lacey may start activating the trade mill. Oren 129-120. Bold prediction: Nicks pouts about being traded, blows.
God I'm so fucking tired of doing this.
Ditka Syndrome: I actually think this one will come down to the wire, but Chucky takes it 136-130. Pete has a good bye-week fill in with Tannehill at home against Buffalo. Having 9 RBs from Oakland who is on a bye is not helping tho. I'm interested to see what Pete's waiver/trade moves look like as he only has 2 active RBs. Forte will go bananas against Wash in the screen game. Bold prediction: Defenses both score >20.
Commish skates to 2 straight: Matt your team is decimated and you're starting Palmer against Seattle. I'm sure the change for Freeman will change the fact that he's a knuckle-dragging pothead. Just hand the ball to AP and collect your paycheck. Dez Bryant will feed me my own shit but I'm hoping it's not enough. Your RB matchups are truly dogshit. Foles against Dallas and Rivers at Jax? OH YEAH. JC 169-131 Bold prediction: Josh Freeman scores less than Henne.
What will Jonny do? Jon is in line to be what we call a buyer. His walking wounded are going to get smashed unless he gets some help. Luck and Dalton have good matchups but the WR corps is truly wretched. Peterson may have a good game but your RBs are no better than this week. Blackmon and VJax will repeat their shenanigans from this weekend, burning sum buuusshheezzzz Ugh 132-121. Bold prediction: Jon get low score in the league. Again.
Oren walks proud once again: Manning and Rodgers get back in stride to the tune of 65, everyone else on Oren's roster does nothing. Lacey has a promising day from Griffin and Brady but it's not quite enough. Lacey's WRs really could use some help, a hobbled Megatron is no Megatron at all. Lacey may start activating the trade mill. Oren 129-120. Bold prediction: Nicks pouts about being traded, blows.
God I'm so fucking tired of doing this.