Sexy Coworker?

Crush his libido fast with this new music mix!

How it Works

As the great citizens of Pawnee have taught us, humor is all about timing. You'll notice that the songs are listed by number, not title.

As you listen to each new song, scroll down through this website to find out the title and a little bit more about its special mix of cock-blocking notes. But don't scroll too far! That would ruin the humor.

There is also a section of unsexy conversation topics for you to browse through while listening to the songs.

Unsexy Topics

Pick and choose from the list below, and don't be afraid to create your own topics! There is a whole unsexy world out there! It's yours to discover!

  • Raccoon infestations
  • Kristen Stewart
  • Stamps, probably
  • Phone bills
  • Rare coins
  • Traffic jams
  • Naked portraits of Nick Sweetums
  • Your nephew's daily activities
  • Game of Thrones (arguments against)
  • How to format a #10 envelope
  • Latvian celebrity gossip
  • Your mother's butt
  • Human disfigurement
  • Detailed plot description of the movie Babe
  • Possums

Song List

Song 1

Tom Waits – Good Old World (Waltz)

There's nothing less sexy than a creepy old man mumble-singing in a gravelly voice about the world that once was. A good, off-putting start to any mood-killing mix.

Song 2

Harue Momoyama – Imayo

Traditional joruri music comes from ancient Japanese culture. It's probably wonderfully complex and beautiful, but to western ears it sounds like an out-of-tune banjo being played over the sounds of a cat in heat.

Song 3

Matt Seamer – Quickbooks Tutorial Part 1

Quickbooks is very useful, and this will "give you a taste of what this great program can do for you and your company."

Song 4

Kidz Bop – Thrift Shop

Children singing is the number one worst thing in the world, and it is guaranteed to eliminate any good feelings immediately.

Song 5

Tuvan Throat Singing

Another mystery from the Orient: throat singing. Your sexy partner will be too confused to act on any feelings for the length of the song, and probably for some time afterward.

Song 6

Eduard Khil – I Am So Happy to Finally Be Back Home

The pure novelty of this tune is sure to mess up your game. Insist on singing along, though not too enthusiastically, and your coworker is sure to be ill at ease.

Song 7

Whales – Isochronic Tones

Whale song has long been used to calm nerves, but don't worry—it's also clinically proven to make one sterile.

Important: If your coworker finds the whales too scary, this could be a bad move: he will want to cuddle to feel safe. Watch for the signs!

Song 8

Ginuwine – Pony

Ann, you beautiful tropical fish, what were you thinking putting the world's sexiest song on here!

Song 9

Various – Compilation of Evil Laughter

If something goes wrong, this track is sure to help you recover. Just listen to the laughter while yelling, "I'll wave your mom's decapitated head on a stick!"

Song 10

Marine Corps – Slow Dirge on Bagpipes

The bagpipe really is an amazing instrument.... But I didn't know it could be so loud.

Song 11

Ben Wyatt – Calc You Later

Classic Ben.

Good luck, and keep it platonic!