Relationship with a narcissist

Relationship with a narcissist

Relationship with a narcissist


Relationship with a narcissist

In a way that you often can't exactly identify clearly you can feel:

Very disappointed and disillusioned about who he/she seems to be now, compared with who he/she was in the beginning stages of the relationship

Confused because of the lies and half truths he/she continually feeds you

Hurt and shell shocked because of the myriad of ways he/she belittles, criticises and blames you

The relationship feels unrewarding because it never feels that he/she is really there, and it is not possible to share any real intimacy with him/her

Unhappy because he/she always tries to undermine the happiness you create for yourself

Untrusting of yourself because you don't know what to trust anymore, wanting a real and happy relationship but always feeling that it is not available to you

Intensely frustrating when he/she can't be reasonable or honour agreements or work with you for a win-win solution

Utter perplexity at how he/she can be so sweet and nice one minute, and so mean and callous the next

Despair at the dawning realisation that he/she doesn't really care about you or how you feel

How did you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist?

You may be wondering why anyone would be masochistic enough to ever get themselves into a relationship with such a person; one that leaves you feeling so dreadful?

But the truth is that things start off very differently. The narcissist is an absolute perfect delight right from the first day you start dating: wining, dining and gifts, nothing is too much trouble for him/her; your every whim is his/her desire; he/she is truly the perfect and charming partner.

Finding yourself in a "whirlwind romance", he/she will appear to be all you have ever wanted in a partner and in a relationship, so much so that it all seems almost "too good to be true", which of course it is.

At this stage you are his/her "prey", and he/she is an expert at contriving his/her behaviour to impress you, and being sensitive to what you are wanting, until he/she has snared you. He/she has you in his/her sights as his/her next source of Narcissistic supply, so all his/her energies, shows of love, affection and fake empathy are committed to lure you.

The transition

However this "impress the socks off" stage doesn't last, and once he/she now feels secure in the relationship (this happens most commonly at the 3 major transitions: when you move in together, when you get married, or when you start having children) there is now no longer a need for making an effort.

Without realizing it, you are now owned by him/her; you have crossed over into his/her self definition boundary. With this transition comes the expectation that you now are an extension of him/her.

This dumbfounding change can be made almost overnight, or at a more gradual pace, but change it does.

The "Bubble"

One man described that for him it felt like he and his wife were in a big bubble that he had created as his reality. His wife had freedom, and all was happy, as long as she stayed in the bubble. "There was room to move about so the illusion of freedom seemed real to her. But when she expressed an idea of her own, or any feelings, it was like she was stepping out of his bubble and stepping into her own. But he did not want her out there. He feared being alone with himself. He feared being with his feelings. So he tried to pull her back into his bubble, or worse, injure her so she could never leave, or worse yet, disorient her so she can never find her way out." Whatever control measure or verbal abuse it took, getting her back inside the bubble where he could feel safe again was his primary objective.

The Narcissist usually feels a great and strong love for his/her partner, but this is in essence a control connection rather than real love. There is no regard for his/her individuality, no empathy or understanding, and usually an angry assault or the silent treatment, every time he/she shows any signs of separateness.

This leaves you feeling shunned, negated, unseen, unheard, trivialised, and, as a result, also very confused, sad, and often outraged that you have been so invaded or negated, every time you express your individuality.

All the while he/she denies any wrongdoing, not being willing to recognise the devastating effects on you.

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