The Hopeless Potato

By Sara Segal

I am a potato. I woke up this morning. I went to eat breakfast. When I walked into the room, everyone left. I got some scrambled eggs. The eggs jumped off the plate and died. Then I remembered that scrambled eggs were already dead. I went back to my room. I surfed the internet. I have a Facebook. Nobody accepted my friend requests. I posted videos on Youtube. They have no views. I made a Twitter. I have no followers. I went to watch TV. I grabbed the remote. The remote punched me in the face. I didn't know remotes could do that. Then it jumped out of my hand and died. I went to get pizza at a local pizza restaurant. I walked into the restaurant. The chef through a bag of dough at me. I fell. It hurt. I went to a different restaurant. I went to Subway. The manager threw a loaf of bread on my face. My face hurts. Then I went home. I took a nap. I woke up in jail. I escaped the jail cell. The cops found me. They put me back in my cell. Apparently they don't like it when you escape prison. I was in prison for a few days. They let me out of my cell. I went home. I went to eat some pasta. The pasta punched me in the face. I don't know how the pasta punched me in the face. My face is starting to become deformed. Then I looked at the clock. The clocked looked back at me. Then it jumped off the wall and died. I looked outside to see if it was nighttime. The sky screamed and then exploded. I was sad. I went to my room. I went to brush my teeth. Then I remembered I don't have teeth. I am only a potato. Then I remembered I can't eat food. I am only a potato. Potatoes don't have mouths. Then I remembered I can't walk. I am only a potato. Then I remembered I didn't look at the clock. I don't have eyes. I am only a potato. Then I remembered I can't move. I am only a potato. I have been doing nothing my whole life. I have been living a lie. I jumped off a bridge that night. Then I remembered I can't jump off a bridge. I am only a potato. INCEPTION. That is all. The end.