American Mustache Instute

Protecting the rights of American Mustaches

AMI

You’ve certainly heard of the Dollar Shave Club. You know them because, in theory, they stand against the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle — although in reality they do, in fact, support the Mustached American community. More relevant, however, have you ever heard of the Dollar Shave Club? Their mission entails, “Giving your beard the nutrients that it needs will have a noticeable and immediate impact on the look and feel of your facial hair.” And as the global center of the free facial hair movement and womb of laser cocksmanship, we at your American Mustache Institute give DBC our hearty endorsement.

A Million Ways To Die In The West - Featurette | (HD)

History: The Mustached American Movement

Mustached Americans first came to the United States in chains to serve as gunsmiths, shoemakers, midget impersonators, and cattle ejaculators. But in the early 1800s, a sea change of acceptance and stature began for people of Mustached American heritage which would last until 1944, and during that period, the U.S. embraced the sexually adventuresome, round-house kick to the face, Panda bear steak eating Mustached American way of life.

President Taft

Indeed, from Civil War generals like Lew Wallace to the presidencies of Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft (the last Mustached American President), people of Mustached American descent were chainsaw wielding men of power, good looks, martial arts abilities, and long-lasting virility.

One of President Taft’s last acts in the Oval Office, in fact, was to provide Mustached Americans with complimentary in-home prostitution visits and allow the slaughter of felines by people bearing lower nose accoutrements.

'Stache Bash2k14

Saturday, March 28th, 12pm

San Diego, CA, United States

San Diego, CA

In Spring 2007, an innovative crowd of funky friends envisioned a celebration, a bash no less, in ode to the one thing that separates the boys from the men. It started in the backyard as the best house party in history. It is now an internationally recognized festival, and a monumental San Diego extravaganza. It is the Mustache Bash, and you're invited.

Come March, we'll have ballrooms, bartenders and bands. Bells will ring. Bass will thump. Chicks will flock. Men will migrate. The mustache, the platforms, the bellbottom will reign once more. So break out your fro picks, dust off the snake skin pants, stock up on funkadelics and soak your peach fuzz with Rogaine. Summon your inner 70's porn star - it’s got business to tend to.