The New Kingdom Times

New News for the New Kingdom by Isabella Roventini

New Way For News!

We're proud to present... the New Kingdom Times! Brought to you by scribes all over Egypt. Be sure to subscribe (see what I did there?) for new articles every week and we'll work until it's at your doorstep, you greedy, lazy, Egyptian!!

Hatshepsut's Tomb: Grafiti

Just take a look at the rude writing on the picture to the right of this! How rude! Just because she was a woman, there is no need to write such rude messages. I mean seriously, we have bananas now. Maybe she was a little weird... she wore a fake beard... (oh, look, that rhymed). But there is no need to disrespect your former pharoah like this.

"Hear ye, all persons! Ye people as many as ye are! I have done things according to the design of my heart!"

Remembering Ahmose

Many years ago today, Ahmose founded the New Kingdom. We thank him for voluntarily taking on his deceased father and brother's role as the Pharoah, who would lead us into battle against our enemies, the Hyksos and Nubians, even after his the tragic deaths of his father and older brother.

Ramses II: The Gods Must Love Him

As we know, our pharoah, Ramses II, has outlived many of us Egyptians, and is far older than 50, our age expectancy. Our theory is that the Gods are fond of him, and since he is a God himself, he must be very powerful, maybe even more powerful than any other pharoahs. Our beloved pharoah has been one of the most celebrated pharoahs. We asked the opinion of one of his sons, one who he hasn't outlived him, the next in line for his throne, not that we're sure he'll live until them, Merneptah.

Yea, I mean, my dad has lived pretty long *cough* he's outlived most of us *cough*. He's a great pha*cough*-roah, but will he ever die? Seriously. I-I *cough* I mean, I may not *cough* have much longer, and I want to go to the afterlife a pharoah. You *cough* get what i'm saying. Don't tell him I said that. What what you recorded thi-

-Merneptah, prince, 50

God Food

Once again, our kind neighbors in Assyria have been generous enough to *cough* lend us some cool stuff! They have alerted us of strange new Gods, and we believe that we've found a way to please them. Of course, with sugary food inside of small containers. We still have yet to learn about these Gods, but must make them happy.

Cool New and Stylish Sandals for Sale!

The best type of sandal!

Wow! For sale right now for just 2 pieces of copper, SUPER STYLISH sandals stolen from our neighbors in Assyria! There are so many ways to get made fun of by wearing these awesome sandals, and over 10 reasons to hate them, but you'll be happy with this sturdy footwear either way! That's right folks, get 'em while you can in colors from light grey to dark white!

Ramses II is hiring servants!

Wednesday, Jan. 24th 300 at 9pm

The Palace

Like the title states, Ramses II is in desperate need of extra help! Be sure to come and think about how terrible your life has been, and how it could be so much better if you had someone to make you work for him against your will. That's right, you have no choice. See you at the meeting, peasant.