Week 12 Di$h
The Wreckoning
TODAY WE SAY GOODBYE
After 12 weeks of sweat and blood it's time for the tears. 5 teams have been eliminated from playoffs between the tiers, and there's nothing to do but stick your dick (or pussy) in peanut butter and cry.
The Catz Meow and Dirty Cobb Salad can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye, and both are overwhelming favorites for relegation. The couple that never was waived their opportunity to voice their last words, and will receive their eulogies tonight.
Current relegates Juggernaut, Eskimo Brothers and former Tier I champion in disgrace Chinpokemon woke up Tuesday knowing the rest of their season is a cruel and futile exercise as their playoff hopes have been murdered by their horrible management.
In happier news, it was a good week to be a commish. Mrs. Commish the Vaginal Hubris herself was second in the late night universe in scoring while upending Tier II overlord Sandusky and keeping playoff hopes alive. Dr. Commish and the Catfish earned the coveted star while moving into second place with an unimpressive but decisive dub over the freefalling Burst.
JC's 139 was disappointing but both first place KKK (102) and third place TDS (122) had worse weeks. Joey furthermore watched The Riddler fumble his way onto the Pats practice squad, NOT a good sign for RB production going forward.
The Catz Meow and Dirty Cobb Salad can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye, and both are overwhelming favorites for relegation. The couple that never was waived their opportunity to voice their last words, and will receive their eulogies tonight.
Current relegates Juggernaut, Eskimo Brothers and former Tier I champion in disgrace Chinpokemon woke up Tuesday knowing the rest of their season is a cruel and futile exercise as their playoff hopes have been murdered by their horrible management.
In happier news, it was a good week to be a commish. Mrs. Commish the Vaginal Hubris herself was second in the late night universe in scoring while upending Tier II overlord Sandusky and keeping playoff hopes alive. Dr. Commish and the Catfish earned the coveted star while moving into second place with an unimpressive but decisive dub over the freefalling Burst.
JC's 139 was disappointing but both first place KKK (102) and third place TDS (122) had worse weeks. Joey furthermore watched The Riddler fumble his way onto the Pats practice squad, NOT a good sign for RB production going forward.
LaceFace we hardly knew ye
Poor little Lacey, made the jump up to Tier I with a full head of steam following last year's 2nd place relegation finish and a strong NCAA bracket with the big boys. You problem came this August when you let Joe draft for you. In the first round Joe selected Arian Foster in the first of many blunders. Setting the tone of selecting players that would have been awesome 5 years ago, Joe continued by selecting Brady in the third round. OUCH. 4th round pick Roddy White and and 5th rounder RGIII can both be labeled almost complete busts.
Here's some other of my favorites:
Lamar Miller. BJGE. Stevie Johnson. Vincent Brown. Isaac Redman. THREE TEs?! And two by the 12th round? MADNESS.
Honestly looking at the draft results it's amazing you even got one win. Thanks be to Megatron.
Lacey didn't completely shit the bed on her two trades. Or maybe she did, you be the judge. Maybe Joe OK'ed the trades?
After a dogshit season Lacey traded Roddy White for new lead back Mike James who promptly burned his knee. Max capers. Luckily Roddy hasn't been worth much since then.
The following week Lacey moved Greg Olsen form Tim Wright and DeAngelo Williams. You know what they say it's always good to give up a good player for two replacement-level ones. How has Olsen been doing btw? Def wouldn't have been helping your team, I mean TDs are overrated amirite??!?!
Throughout the season Lacey has made great pickups, then sat them. Rainey, Tavon Austin and Jacoby Jones were all wise acquisitions. Unfortunately she followed it up with disgusting management and sat their points, facilitating one of the worst seasons in Late Night history.
Where Lacey did excel was in the shittalk department. Her (always drunken) volleys on the text chain stank of Pete Shankin - "I just woke up what happened" at 2pm, or "fuck you guys I'm in Vegas with hot chicks." What Lacey failed to understand is we would rather be farting onto our laptops, stattracking and peepin redzone than hanging out with hot chicks OR being in Vegas. Champions pay the price Cobb.
In true Dirty Cobb fashion Lacey promised some last words copy. Instead, at the deadline, I got this text "Ugh I was gonna write one, and then I got drunk. So typical. Be gentle."
CLASSIC tammy. IDK wtf she was thinking about...me gentle?! Child please.
At the end of the day the failed experiment that was Women's Late Night Suffrage has come to an end. A tragic, deflating and embarrassing end. But fret not Lace, there's always next year. In relegation.
Here's some other of my favorites:
Lamar Miller. BJGE. Stevie Johnson. Vincent Brown. Isaac Redman. THREE TEs?! And two by the 12th round? MADNESS.
Honestly looking at the draft results it's amazing you even got one win. Thanks be to Megatron.
Lacey didn't completely shit the bed on her two trades. Or maybe she did, you be the judge. Maybe Joe OK'ed the trades?
After a dogshit season Lacey traded Roddy White for new lead back Mike James who promptly burned his knee. Max capers. Luckily Roddy hasn't been worth much since then.
The following week Lacey moved Greg Olsen form Tim Wright and DeAngelo Williams. You know what they say it's always good to give up a good player for two replacement-level ones. How has Olsen been doing btw? Def wouldn't have been helping your team, I mean TDs are overrated amirite??!?!
Throughout the season Lacey has made great pickups, then sat them. Rainey, Tavon Austin and Jacoby Jones were all wise acquisitions. Unfortunately she followed it up with disgusting management and sat their points, facilitating one of the worst seasons in Late Night history.
Where Lacey did excel was in the shittalk department. Her (always drunken) volleys on the text chain stank of Pete Shankin - "I just woke up what happened" at 2pm, or "fuck you guys I'm in Vegas with hot chicks." What Lacey failed to understand is we would rather be farting onto our laptops, stattracking and peepin redzone than hanging out with hot chicks OR being in Vegas. Champions pay the price Cobb.
In true Dirty Cobb fashion Lacey promised some last words copy. Instead, at the deadline, I got this text "Ugh I was gonna write one, and then I got drunk. So typical. Be gentle."
CLASSIC tammy. IDK wtf she was thinking about...me gentle?! Child please.
At the end of the day the failed experiment that was Women's Late Night Suffrage has come to an end. A tragic, deflating and embarrassing end. But fret not Lace, there's always next year. In relegation.
Catz Meow: Be better
Tonight we mourn the death of a legend of Late Night. A member from Late Night's inception 5 years ago, Matt is finally paying the price for season after season of over-analysis, luck and mismanagement. While Matt has been eliminated from playoffs, his biggest fight is ahead of him, Vegas has his odds of avoiding relegation at 30-1, and there is not a lot of action. Matt sits in dead last, trailing Lacey by 1 game and 29 points, and Red by 1 game and 113 points. He must jump both to have any chance of staying upstairs.
How did this come to be? Matt is funemployed, so he should have plenty of time to obsess over his roster and make adjustments. But sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing, just like with beer and golf. Matt made some baffling decisions on draft day and followed it up by offering hundreds of trades, finally settling on some that mangled his roster.
As we all know Matt has had a fair amount of fantasy success lately, but with his success has come hubris. If any of you know your greek classics (I'm sure you don't), you'll know hubris leads to failure and pain. Or as Jesus said pride comes before a fall. Or maybe it was Paul? Whatever I've never read the bible. The point is right now is Matt's fall, his wax wings tasted the sun, evaporated and sent him plummeting to the bottom of Late Night and likely into relegation. Matt is 3-9 AND has the lowest points for by a wide margin. OUCH.
Let's begin where the Catz did this year, draft day. Matt had gameplanned for weeks running mocks on mocks. When the day came, he...well...took Ray Rice with the third pick. How's that working out Matty?
Some other highlights:
Chris Johnson in the 3rd followed by Fitz and even worse COLSTON IN THE FIFTH!!!
Matt went with an anti-QB strategy, starting his season with Palmer and Freeman uuuuuuuuuu I just threw up in my mouth. On the bright side he got EJ and Pryor in late rounds, which was foreboding of his choices later in the season. Shane Vereen, Kenny Britt, Broyles and Helu were all draft day deals for the Cat. SOOO not fantastic.
After opening the season with a 1 point victory Matt reeled off 4 straight losses before his SECOND 1-point win. Matt's three wins have come with a COMBINED 14 point margin. Not exactly blowing them away.
As we all know Matt was very active in the trade game, and as everyone who traded with him knows he's not good at it. Maybe it was the thrill of arranging 7-team deals more than the actual benefit Matt sought. Let's recap:
Vereen and Andre Brown for Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory - Thomas up to this point is the best player, but Vereen and Andre Brown are going to be paying HUGE late season dividends. We'll call it a wash.
Pierre Thomas and Durham for Nate Washington and Reuben Randle. Pierre Thomas is a starting running back, which is irreplaceable. Randle is a WR3/4 of which there are 10 on the waiver wire. Beat it you fat titty milkshake.
Giving up Ben Tate and Golden Tate for Ray Rice? How's that working out? penetraded.
Sproles and DHB for TY. See the relative value of RBs and WRs above. Even missing a week Sproles looks to outscore TY by a mile. Suck me beautiful.
Matt was fairly active on the wire and moving free agents, but not worth going through. Long story short - when you draft a shitty roster and make terrible moves you lose. And get relegated. #truthhurts.
Matt's frenzy for trades, analysis and shit-talk will be sorely missed as he passes into the great beyond. We will miss you. And your trades.
How did this come to be? Matt is funemployed, so he should have plenty of time to obsess over his roster and make adjustments. But sometimes too much of a good thing is a bad thing, just like with beer and golf. Matt made some baffling decisions on draft day and followed it up by offering hundreds of trades, finally settling on some that mangled his roster.
As we all know Matt has had a fair amount of fantasy success lately, but with his success has come hubris. If any of you know your greek classics (I'm sure you don't), you'll know hubris leads to failure and pain. Or as Jesus said pride comes before a fall. Or maybe it was Paul? Whatever I've never read the bible. The point is right now is Matt's fall, his wax wings tasted the sun, evaporated and sent him plummeting to the bottom of Late Night and likely into relegation. Matt is 3-9 AND has the lowest points for by a wide margin. OUCH.
Let's begin where the Catz did this year, draft day. Matt had gameplanned for weeks running mocks on mocks. When the day came, he...well...took Ray Rice with the third pick. How's that working out Matty?
Some other highlights:
Chris Johnson in the 3rd followed by Fitz and even worse COLSTON IN THE FIFTH!!!
Matt went with an anti-QB strategy, starting his season with Palmer and Freeman uuuuuuuuuu I just threw up in my mouth. On the bright side he got EJ and Pryor in late rounds, which was foreboding of his choices later in the season. Shane Vereen, Kenny Britt, Broyles and Helu were all draft day deals for the Cat. SOOO not fantastic.
After opening the season with a 1 point victory Matt reeled off 4 straight losses before his SECOND 1-point win. Matt's three wins have come with a COMBINED 14 point margin. Not exactly blowing them away.
As we all know Matt was very active in the trade game, and as everyone who traded with him knows he's not good at it. Maybe it was the thrill of arranging 7-team deals more than the actual benefit Matt sought. Let's recap:
Vereen and Andre Brown for Pierre Thomas and Chris Ivory - Thomas up to this point is the best player, but Vereen and Andre Brown are going to be paying HUGE late season dividends. We'll call it a wash.
Pierre Thomas and Durham for Nate Washington and Reuben Randle. Pierre Thomas is a starting running back, which is irreplaceable. Randle is a WR3/4 of which there are 10 on the waiver wire. Beat it you fat titty milkshake.
Giving up Ben Tate and Golden Tate for Ray Rice? How's that working out? penetraded.
Sproles and DHB for TY. See the relative value of RBs and WRs above. Even missing a week Sproles looks to outscore TY by a mile. Suck me beautiful.
Matt was fairly active on the wire and moving free agents, but not worth going through. Long story short - when you draft a shitty roster and make terrible moves you lose. And get relegated. #truthhurts.
Matt's frenzy for trades, analysis and shit-talk will be sorely missed as he passes into the great beyond. We will miss you. And your trades.
FACES IN THE CROWD
DIRK DIGGLER: Josh Gordon was a machine for the Ditkas this week dropping 34
WILD CARD: Julian Edelmunz lived up to his name and made Amendola obsolete to the tune of 24.
ANTI-NIRVANA: This award, as it has so often, goes to Lacey for benching Jacoby Jones 23 and Austin's 16. Had she played them she would have won and climbed to 8th place, making a strong case to avoid relegation. Relegation bride-to-be Brown finally sat Fitz so that he could go for 17.
BEAT IT NERDS: Catz Meow and Dirty Cobb Salad.
PERFECTION: 320 points available this week if you guys didn't suck so much,
qbs Rivers (praise be JC) 28, Brady 23
wrs Gordon 34, Edel 24, Jacoby 23, Tiquan 22
rbs Moreno 33, JChar 27 (both uuuuughs :/), Woodhead 24
te Graham 16
flx WR boldin 21 RB Lacy (praise) 21, Gronk/Witten 15
k Feely 19
dst Pitt 26
WILD CARD: Julian Edelmunz lived up to his name and made Amendola obsolete to the tune of 24.
ANTI-NIRVANA: This award, as it has so often, goes to Lacey for benching Jacoby Jones 23 and Austin's 16. Had she played them she would have won and climbed to 8th place, making a strong case to avoid relegation. Relegation bride-to-be Brown finally sat Fitz so that he could go for 17.
BEAT IT NERDS: Catz Meow and Dirty Cobb Salad.
PERFECTION: 320 points available this week if you guys didn't suck so much,
qbs Rivers (praise be JC) 28, Brady 23
wrs Gordon 34, Edel 24, Jacoby 23, Tiquan 22
rbs Moreno 33, JChar 27 (both uuuuughs :/), Woodhead 24
te Graham 16
flx WR boldin 21 RB Lacy (praise) 21, Gronk/Witten 15
k Feely 19
dst Pitt 26
TO THE MATCHUPS...
To speed up di$h and thus semen release, prepare for turbomatchups. If I get done before 930 I can peep some Eddie Lacy munz before falling asleep.
MEAN: Joey regressed to it, underscoring for the first time in an eon. Peace Ridley. 9>1.
STAR POWER: JC, for the munz. Two TE set shockingly doesn't work. Back in 2nd for the tihrd time, like the previous 2 it will only be 1 week.
CHINKS: In Charlie's armor. Maybe now he'll use his waiver priority. No? OK no he won't.
UNFAIR: Are we seriously going to let Dan in the playoffs?!?!
LOL: Matt. Just unbelievably horrible. Peter Dong Shenkin, Attorney at Law.
MEAN: Joey regressed to it, underscoring for the first time in an eon. Peace Ridley. 9>1.
STAR POWER: JC, for the munz. Two TE set shockingly doesn't work. Back in 2nd for the tihrd time, like the previous 2 it will only be 1 week.
CHINKS: In Charlie's armor. Maybe now he'll use his waiver priority. No? OK no he won't.
UNFAIR: Are we seriously going to let Dan in the playoffs?!?!
LOL: Matt. Just unbelievably horrible. Peter Dong Shenkin, Attorney at Law.
Posishunzzz
Brought to you this week by autoerotic asphyxiation. Go fuck yourselves, then die.
QB
1) HD 505 2) Jiz 498 3) FYRB 453 4) KKK 450 5) JC 391 6) TDS 385 7) Red 368 8) DCS 349 9) Ugh 340 10) K4t 331
WR
1) JC 498 2) KKK 480 3) RED 446 4) TDS 443 5) DCS 442 6) HD 421 7) Ugh 381 8) Jiz 366 9) cat 359 10) Bush 285
RB
1) TDS 446 2) ugh 436 3) jc 412 4) HD 401 5) kkk 333 6) cat 294 7) bush 271 8) Red 264 9) Jiz 263 10) DCS 223
TE
1) fyrb 174 2) red 133 3) kat 104 4) tds 101 5) JC 94 6) dcs 89 7) kkk 85 8) hd 76 9) jiz 65 10) Ugh 59
QB
1) HD 505 2) Jiz 498 3) FYRB 453 4) KKK 450 5) JC 391 6) TDS 385 7) Red 368 8) DCS 349 9) Ugh 340 10) K4t 331
WR
1) JC 498 2) KKK 480 3) RED 446 4) TDS 443 5) DCS 442 6) HD 421 7) Ugh 381 8) Jiz 366 9) cat 359 10) Bush 285
RB
1) TDS 446 2) ugh 436 3) jc 412 4) HD 401 5) kkk 333 6) cat 294 7) bush 271 8) Red 264 9) Jiz 263 10) DCS 223
TE
1) fyrb 174 2) red 133 3) kat 104 4) tds 101 5) JC 94 6) dcs 89 7) kkk 85 8) hd 76 9) jiz 65 10) Ugh 59
PREDICKS
FO;IWrg'lkjenb'lkenb'p
etnbp
etgn
FUCKCUCIU SO APPARENTLY ACCIDENTALLY HITTING CTRL-W CLOSES DOWN YOUR WINDOW WITHOUT SAVING WORK
Fucking internet when will it just die?!
I'M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT JOEY: Lack of sassy headlines notwithstanding, AP and Lacy are ready to make Joey Durso feel like a stripper around Joey Durso. Hint: they're gonna find the bottom. Durso's WRs to make my pants fit tighter but I think we're heading in opposite directions. Catfish 154-138
ROOFIES: When you absolutely gotta have it but in no way deserve it. Oren's is gonna be using some roofies on Charlie this week. In a must-win week Orens a decided underdog but KCs D is looking porous and Decker is due for sum dubble dippinnn. With Charlie starting the walking wounded at RB I like O-town in the upset 141-138
FALL FROM GRACE COMPLETE: Or at least nearing completion on Greg's grundel. Former commish fave is a Sorority girl at a mixer (choose your own adventure:
A) Is definitely going down
B) Will never report the upcoming abuse
c) uuuuuuuu YYYYYYAAAAAAA WE'RE DEEEGEEEEEEEEES). Greg has considerable firecrotch power at WR, but is starting Kendall Hunter at RB, like, NOT as a joke. I think Dan is gonna dominate the QB stats as well, shockingly. Pigs 132-112
HEY LACEY, ANDREA BOCELLI CALLED: And it's time tooooo saaay goooodddbbbyyyeeeeeee. Ditka 153-123
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU SMASH TOGETHER TWO ABORTIONS OF DIFFERENT RACES?: We're about to find out. First one to 100 wins. I like Jon 101-100. On a stat correction.
etnbp
etgn
FUCKCUCIU SO APPARENTLY ACCIDENTALLY HITTING CTRL-W CLOSES DOWN YOUR WINDOW WITHOUT SAVING WORK
Fucking internet when will it just die?!
I'M GOING TO FUCKING BEAT JOEY: Lack of sassy headlines notwithstanding, AP and Lacy are ready to make Joey Durso feel like a stripper around Joey Durso. Hint: they're gonna find the bottom. Durso's WRs to make my pants fit tighter but I think we're heading in opposite directions. Catfish 154-138
ROOFIES: When you absolutely gotta have it but in no way deserve it. Oren's is gonna be using some roofies on Charlie this week. In a must-win week Orens a decided underdog but KCs D is looking porous and Decker is due for sum dubble dippinnn. With Charlie starting the walking wounded at RB I like O-town in the upset 141-138
FALL FROM GRACE COMPLETE: Or at least nearing completion on Greg's grundel. Former commish fave is a Sorority girl at a mixer (choose your own adventure:
A) Is definitely going down
B) Will never report the upcoming abuse
c) uuuuuuuu YYYYYYAAAAAAA WE'RE DEEEGEEEEEEEEES). Greg has considerable firecrotch power at WR, but is starting Kendall Hunter at RB, like, NOT as a joke. I think Dan is gonna dominate the QB stats as well, shockingly. Pigs 132-112
HEY LACEY, ANDREA BOCELLI CALLED: And it's time tooooo saaay goooodddbbbyyyeeeeeee. Ditka 153-123
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU SMASH TOGETHER TWO ABORTIONS OF DIFFERENT RACES?: We're about to find out. First one to 100 wins. I like Jon 101-100. On a stat correction.