Counseling Gazette
News from your Elementary Counselors
October
National Bullying Prevention Month
The month of October is nationally recognized as Bullying Prevention month. This affords us an opportunity to talk about what bullying is and what it is not, when it might be taking place and how to handle it when it does happen. It is important to distinguish bullying from other unkind, mean and harmful behavior. Kids will occasionally do or say something that is hurtful. And while it is important to address the behavior, as we do at school, it is inappropriate to label them a bully. Instead, we try to distinguish between hurtful or unkind behavior, and bullying behavior.
PACER's National Bullying Prevention Center defines bullying as "an intentional behavior that hurts, harms, or humiliates a student either physically or emotionally. Those bullying usually have more physical or social power while those targeted have difficulty stopping the behavior." October is a great month to start a dialog with your child about bullying.
Unity Day - WEAR ORANGE
Students all over the U.S. will be wearing orange on Wednesday, October 19th to send one giant message of hope and support to show that we believe no child should be bullied. This strong show of solidarity will help students feel less alone and empower them to speak up, seek help, come to someone’s defense or to reach out and befriend someone in need of support.
Times When It Is Not Bullying
It can be easy to label unkind things kids do as bullying, but that is not always the case. When we talk about bullying, we want people to take it seriously. Here are some of the most common unkind behaviors that get labeled as bullying when they should not. The take-away is learning the difference between bullying and mean behavior, but addressing them both when they happen.
Expressing Negative Thoughts of Feelings
When we are on the receiving end of unkind remarks, it is important to communicate our feelings about it. It is healthy to say, “I felt hurt when...,” or “I don’t like it when...”. These sentence frames can help students express how they are feeling which empowers them to own their feelings and learn how to be assertive when someone is unkind.
Being Left Out
Although children should be friendly and kind toward everyone, it’s unrealistic to expect them to be close friends with every child they know. This is mostly in regards to invitations students may get for events taking place outside of the school day. At school, we work on including each other during play and class time.
Experiencing Conflict
Kids bicker and fight, and learning to deal with conflict is a normal part of growing up. (We talked about it in last month's newsletter). The key is for children to learn how to solve their problems peacefully and respectfully. Just as a fight or disagreement with a friend is not bullying, neither is a spat or disagreement with a classmate.
Teasing
Teasing is something that happens, sometimes without us realizing it, often during the school day. Sometimes it is ignorable or we are able to brush it off, but other times it can become mean and repetitive. When that happens, it has crossed the line into bullying behavior.
Not Playing Fair
When a game on the playground does not go our way, it is easy to get upset about it and claim that someone else is not playing fair on purpose. If this happens often, have your student practice saying to their classmate, “Let’s play your way the first time. Then, let’s try my way.”
Bullying V. Conflict
Bullying
Aggression is one sided
No disagreement
Imbalance of power
One side enjoys interaction and the other does not
Not angry at the person
Both sides are aggressive
There is a disagreement
No obvious imbalance of power
Neither side usually enjoys the interaction
Often angry or frustrated at the person
Three Different Points of View
By understanding the three different points of view in a bullying situation, we can better understand how someone might feel and what we can do to help. Those three points of view are Bystander, Victim, and Bully. The book series WEIRD by Erin Frankel is helpful in showing us the same story from all three perspectives.
The Bystander
Bystanders have a powerful role in bully prevention. Studies have shown that bullying incidents were stopped 57% of the time when a bystander intervened in some way. Bystanders were more likely to intervene when they felt empowered to do so. You can empower your child to intervene by role playing different bully situations. An intervention can be as simple as saying, “that’s mean” or “not cool.” You can also empower your child to support the target of bullying by befriending them, offering a kind word, or letting the target know that what is happening is not right. Targets of bullying experience much less negative effects when they felt supported in some way. Your child can also be a big help by reporting the incident in a way they feel comfortable with. Explain that “tattling” is when they are trying to get someone in trouble, “telling” is when they are trying to help someone or stop something bad from happening. Many students report being afraid that the bully will turn on them if they intervene. You can talk over the steps they can take if this does occur. Students who witness bullying and do not do anything often feel bad about it for years. Ask your child directly if they have witnessed bullying and help guide them to do what is right.
The Target or Victim
Because most bullying goes unreported it is especially important to watch for changes in behavior that might signal your child is being bullied. If your child abruptly starts not wanting to come to school, develops suspicious stomach aches Monday morning, cries more easily, becomes more grumpy or starts to keep to themselves more, it is time to investigate. Ask your child directly if there is someone at school that makes them feel bad or hurts them. Be prepared to listen and reserve jumping in until you feel your child has gotten it all out. This can be very difficult for them to share and they often feel a great deal of shame and fear around it. Let your child know that you understand and that together you will work to find a solution. If your child does not share that they were bullied, but you still have doubts, contact your child’s teacher and express your concerns. Our school district takes these situations very seriously.
The Bully
It is very difficult to find out that your child is bullying other children. Sometimes our initial reaction is denial or blaming someone or something else. It is important not to miss out on an opportunity to help your child through a difficult situation. Children who bully are found to have negative outcomes later in life. Helping your child develop alternative coping skills when young will help them be more successful. Ask your child’s teacher, counselor, or principal for helpful advice.