Week 3: Live from my bat hole

It's Hot Ice

News & Notes

We have our first name change of the year, ladies and gentlemen. After a long and at times heartbreaking run for the Pauly D franchise, Pete is now hanging up the airbrushed trucker hat and CKs to look for greener (and probably drunker) pastures. In spite of my best advice, he has opted for NeonDion PewpMachine. Normally I don't go for the player-inspired team names (cough Austin), but hey, I'm just the dumbass Commissioner. So far things are going....just as poorly for Pete, who will be calling up the C squad or trawling the wire for a weekly full-team turnover.

Matt Moulson + draft pixxxx for Vanek = Capers on NYI bitchez. Two goals for Moulson last night probably makes Pete hella jelluzzzz. Too bad Moulson's drowning on Charlie's fantasy dinghy amirite.

Below I've attached some Halloween flava. Saw will always remind me of seeing the original movie in the theaters with most of you fuckers during one of our road tournaments. It will also always remind me of cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn tub and wishing Brown would eat faster.

Living With Jigsaw

Line of the Night

Monday: NeonDion PewpMachine: 3g, +1, 6pim, 1ppp, 7sog, 9fw, 5hit, 2 blk

Tuesday: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW: 4g, 6a, +6, 4pim, 3ppp, 25sog, 33fw, 14hit, 9blk

Wednesday: Cat Pasey: 2g, 3a, +7, 2pim, 11sog, 6fw, 1hit

Cat Pasey: 3g, 6a, +10, 6pim, 27sog, 35fw, 22hit, 7blk, 4.00gaa, 24sv, .857sv%

Friday: Fiber Frenzy: 2g, 9a, +7, 2pim, 3ppp, 15sog, 26fw, 8hit, 5blk, 2.00gaa, 28sv, .933sv%

Saturday: Dangleberry Droplets: 5g, 10a, -2, 10ppp, 30sog, 19fw, 18hit, 7blk, .92gaa, 37sv, .974sv%

**Holy SHIT, 10ppp?!?!**

Sunday: The Malkin-g Dead: 4g, 3a, +6, 6pim, 26sog, 17fw, 9hit, 4 blk, 3.53gaa, 62sv, .899sv%

SUIT UP BITCHES, it's time for Matchups!

Get a job Matt. (Meow 6, ELBOWs 5):

Fuck my butt with a shovel, Caturday came on a Sunday. After starting Sunday 9-3 against Hot Ice's favorite Mr. Mom, I had the privilege of watching my lead dwindle by the blocked shot, face off win, and shot on goal right down to the waning moments of Sunday night's final game. I don't regret any of my adds, but can assuredly say that Alexander Edler is a bonified piece of shit (12blk). What is more surprising is that the Kat also beat me in face offs (so I guess Kopitar can do one thing).

Long story short, dong on titties. Remember that time I sat the Howard shutout on Monday because I fear the fin? Yea, that still makes me sad downstairs.

Mike disgrace famiry; still somehow allowed near people's pets (Dangleberry 9, Hot 4):

It's times like these that I reflect fondly on one of Jon Tu's best quotes:

"So do they just give out DVMs to anybody now?"

This could not be more apt, as Mike failed to

  1. Read the instructions
  2. Know the rules
  3. Plan ahead
  4. Get 3 goalie starts

Shocker. It's really not that difficult, Mike. All twelve of your fantasy football teams won this week. Cool. Does that mean we should also cut you some slack for chasing your chain-smoking wife around downtown Davis all weekend? Should we praise you for overcoming the debilitating childhood disease known as 'dumbface'? CHAMPIONS PAY THE PRICE. EXCEPT FOR RYAN. FOR HIM IT WAS FREE.

I'm not sure what upsets me more - Mike being a complete and total n008, or Ryan being gifted a victory. Be better Mike, fuckin a.

Bewbz roughed up by those Oriental spicez (Malkin-g 7, Joan 6):

Dud week for BriChi + penis-poppin' week for A-Shway = a new lone leader in the Hot Ice Standings. Either Austin hasn't been hitting the happy hour fancy sauce lately, or he's incredibly lucky. Based on the Hertl draft....I'll go with lucky.

Brian eked out 3/4 goalie stats thank to a Harding shutout, but didn't get close to meeting his offensive stats from the past few weeks (CORRY PERRY IS NOT THE ANSWER). Austin was led by Stam Bam Thank You Ma'am, St. Louis, and Blake Wheeler. Austin has a tough matchup this week against the rebounding ELBOWs, who are looking to stuff a couple Norwegian egg rolls in his wonton. Brian has an even tougher week against the Frenzy, who haven't taken a normal-person shit in five or six weeks and are lookin to pop that rectal water balloon. On top of that, Raisin Bran, who normally caters the pregame skate for the Frenzy, was replaced by a bottle cap catering service at the last second.

Frenzy rains butt bukkake all over da Bonurz (Fiber 8, Zamz 3):

Charlie pay me

Pasey puts the pewps on Pete's pussy (Cat P. 9, Neon 3):

Pete now has three players on IR, one DTD, and one NA. I think it's time to call it quits Pete :-/

Despite the crippled team, though, Pete actually hung in with Pat offensively, as he was only 3g and 1a away from tying those categories. A +29 for Pat though?! Holy shitcicles. Pete couldn't make it work in the goalie department, and insult to injury came in the form of Pat taking the sv% tiebreaker 0.90291262 - 0.90259740. Lulz.

Jokes aside, there is still plenty of time for Pete to achieve a resurrection. It will probably be a very tiny resurrection, but at least it will be hard and straight. Where is he gonna put this resurrection? Well he's gonna fight tooth and nail to get it as close to his own mouth as possible, but if that's being occupied by my resurrection, then around Matt's mouth.

Week 3 Awards

Goalies Best: Hot Ice Beast

Psych: Hot Ice Beast

Actual Goalies Best: Dangleberry Droplets, Fiber Frenzy

Bieber Fever: The Cat's Meow

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW

Dumbface: Hot Ice Beast

Tight Butthole: The Cat's Meow

Waiver Wire Wizard: The Cat's Meow

Week 4 Predictions

Malkin-g ELBOW: I will get gay porn hard and bring down this terrorist Godzirra. I hate Godzirra. He destroys cities. ELBOWs 7, Dead 5

Dangle Meowz: Well, Ryan's black magic is at it again, somehow he's duped Matt into already sitting 1g, 1a, 4sog, 4fw, and 1blk. This will be remembered. SKIN THE CAT. Droplets 8, Meows 5

Hot Pasey: Big start for Saksy, but I think Pat will pull of the cum from the front victory while still maintaining eye contact. Pasey 7, Beast 5

Smoother Frenzy: It's the Showdown in Flavor Country, and as predicted it's neck-and-neck. Chris's goalies have been crushing peens as of late, but how long will it last?? Brian's revolving door probably won't cut it, but Brian has the bottle required for the lightning and the snarky butt face required to shut up. Fiber 7, Joan 5

Zamboner PewpMachine: MMMM IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT SISSY FIGHTS!! Team Cripple vs. Team Autopilot. Charlie won't pay, and Pete can't play, let's get it on. NeonDion 8, Zamz 5