Week 3: Live from my bat hole
It's Hot Ice
News & Notes
Matt Moulson + draft pixxxx for Vanek = Capers on NYI bitchez. Two goals for Moulson last night probably makes Pete hella jelluzzzz. Too bad Moulson's drowning on Charlie's fantasy dinghy amirite.
Below I've attached some Halloween flava. Saw will always remind me of seeing the original movie in the theaters with most of you fuckers during one of our road tournaments. It will also always remind me of cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn tub and wishing Brown would eat faster.
Line of the Night
Tuesday: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW: 4g, 6a, +6, 4pim, 3ppp, 25sog, 33fw, 14hit, 9blk
Wednesday: Cat Pasey: 2g, 3a, +7, 2pim, 11sog, 6fw, 1hit
Thursday: Cat Pasey: 3g, 6a, +10, 6pim, 27sog, 35fw, 22hit, 7blk, 4.00gaa, 24sv, .857sv%
Friday: Fiber Frenzy: 2g, 9a, +7, 2pim, 3ppp, 15sog, 26fw, 8hit, 5blk, 2.00gaa, 28sv, .933sv%
Saturday: Dangleberry Droplets: 5g, 10a, -2, 10ppp, 30sog, 19fw, 18hit, 7blk, .92gaa, 37sv, .974sv%
**Holy SHIT, 10ppp?!?!**
Sunday: The Malkin-g Dead: 4g, 3a, +6, 6pim, 26sog, 17fw, 9hit, 4 blk, 3.53gaa, 62sv, .899sv%
SUIT UP BITCHES, it's time for Matchups!
Get a job Matt. (Meow 6, ELBOWs 5):
Long story short, dong on titties. Remember that time I sat the Howard shutout on Monday because I fear the fin? Yea, that still makes me sad downstairs.
Mike disgrace famiry; still somehow allowed near people's pets (Dangleberry 9, Hot 4):
"So do they just give out DVMs to anybody now?"
This could not be more apt, as Mike failed to
- Read the instructions
- Know the rules
- Plan ahead
- Get 3 goalie starts
Shocker. It's really not that difficult, Mike. All twelve of your fantasy football teams won this week. Cool. Does that mean we should also cut you some slack for chasing your chain-smoking wife around downtown Davis all weekend? Should we praise you for overcoming the debilitating childhood disease known as 'dumbface'? CHAMPIONS PAY THE PRICE. EXCEPT FOR RYAN. FOR HIM IT WAS FREE.
I'm not sure what upsets me more - Mike being a complete and total n008, or Ryan being gifted a victory. Be better Mike, fuckin a.
Bewbz roughed up by those Oriental spicez (Malkin-g 7, Joan 6):
Brian eked out 3/4 goalie stats thank to a Harding shutout, but didn't get close to meeting his offensive stats from the past few weeks (CORRY PERRY IS NOT THE ANSWER). Austin was led by Stam Bam Thank You Ma'am, St. Louis, and Blake Wheeler. Austin has a tough matchup this week against the rebounding ELBOWs, who are looking to stuff a couple Norwegian egg rolls in his wonton. Brian has an even tougher week against the Frenzy, who haven't taken a normal-person shit in five or six weeks and are lookin to pop that rectal water balloon. On top of that, Raisin Bran, who normally caters the pregame skate for the Frenzy, was replaced by a bottle cap catering service at the last second.
Frenzy rains butt bukkake all over da Bonurz (Fiber 8, Zamz 3):
Pasey puts the pewps on Pete's pussy (Cat P. 9, Neon 3):
Despite the crippled team, though, Pete actually hung in with Pat offensively, as he was only 3g and 1a away from tying those categories. A +29 for Pat though?! Holy shitcicles. Pete couldn't make it work in the goalie department, and insult to injury came in the form of Pat taking the sv% tiebreaker 0.90291262 - 0.90259740. Lulz.
Jokes aside, there is still plenty of time for Pete to achieve a resurrection. It will probably be a very tiny resurrection, but at least it will be hard and straight. Where is he gonna put this resurrection? Well he's gonna fight tooth and nail to get it as close to his own mouth as possible, but if that's being occupied by my resurrection, then around Matt's mouth.
Week 3 Awards
Psych: Hot Ice Beast
Actual Goalies Best: Dangleberry Droplets, Fiber Frenzy
Bieber Fever: The Cat's Meow
Horseshoes and Hand Grenades: THAT IS NOT AN ELBOW
Dumbface: Hot Ice Beast
Tight Butthole: The Cat's Meow
Waiver Wire Wizard: The Cat's Meow
Week 4 Predictions
Dangle Meowz: Well, Ryan's black magic is at it again, somehow he's duped Matt into already sitting 1g, 1a, 4sog, 4fw, and 1blk. This will be remembered. SKIN THE CAT. Droplets 8, Meows 5
Hot Pasey: Big start for Saksy, but I think Pat will pull of the cum from the front victory while still maintaining eye contact. Pasey 7, Beast 5
Smoother Frenzy: It's the Showdown in Flavor Country, and as predicted it's neck-and-neck. Chris's goalies have been crushing peens as of late, but how long will it last?? Brian's revolving door probably won't cut it, but Brian has the bottle required for the lightning and the snarky butt face required to shut up. Fiber 7, Joan 5
Zamboner PewpMachine: MMMM IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT SISSY FIGHTS!! Team Cripple vs. Team Autopilot. Charlie won't pay, and Pete can't play, let's get it on. NeonDion 8, Zamz 5
SUCK A DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK