Baseball Bonerland!

Week 3: The Lost Dish!

Hey there you bonerz,

What? You didn't get last week's dish in your email??? ;-)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am a a big sloppy pussy. (My full apology will appear at the bottom of the next dish).

I know you don't give a shit about why The Dish didn't come out but here's my full explanation: I was so balls deep in beating Ged at Fantasy Hockey the week before to pre-write any shit and then I partied my fucking ass off (thanks to my friend Tim and our friend Ged) for about eleventeen days straight. So, yeah, no dish last week. I am sorry, seriously. None of you bitches would have written a dish either if you were single and in my position. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAN, SAKSEN, and BRIAN. But I come back to you bearing gifts. (see TWIM)

Also: Hey. Brown. I don't see you ever volunteering to commish a league? Instead, I see you volunteering to cherry-pick a dish once a year to show off what you could purportedly put out once a week if you had a dish. Yet, we all know that you'd AIR IT OUT to try to show off that you can write (dog, sports journalism, dog) so as to ante-up the quality of the dish and making my already 5-hour weekly commitment even harder. So, no, I didn't ask you for a guest dish because this shit is hard enough already. Not like you'd know. ;)

Well, I will give you a rocket dish for two weeks ago, complete with a TWIM (This Week in Match) with Part Two coming in the dish from this past week. God, I am such a slut. Don't you fucking love it? I love your style that you were blacked out when you made the name change...I just don't understand it. Well, alcohol needs no logic sometimes.

A tight matchup gave Josh his first Bonerland win. Congratulations. Josh nearly swept all the offensive categories if it weren't for those pesky steals! Two words: Mike. Napoli. Holy batman, he had 10 rbi's in a week. While five different players accounted for each home run in the Scotch Club, Melky was being super Melky adding 5 rbi's.

Bodow had a rough week on offense but you may have been helped by putting Yoenis on the DL and not starting him each day. oopz.

Bodow, you can't like what you're seeing from Strasburg. First, he keeps losing games and failing to strike out as many hitters, now there is talk that he has forearm tightness? RUHHHH ROOHHHHHH.

The pitching here was fairly run of the mill but Doug Fister has 10 k's and a win for Miguel. It probably didn't help Bodow that his two Nat workhorses got smoked (Strasburg and Gio).

God you guys are wet blankets on this league. Especially you, cat-eater. I miissss youuuuuuuuuuu.

Six stolen bags apiece? Nice.

Jesus Christ, Austin. Your entire roster was basically picked up by Mauer and Trout in this matchup. Mauer 3/1/6/.588/1490 on the week and Trouty had 4/1/9/2/.391/1052. The rest of your pussies were meh but Altuve had two steals and hit .455.

Ben, I'd like to introduce you to the waiver wire. It's this thing when you can take a player if you leave a player. It's cool and all. Maybe check it out. You might want to leave some players there.

You did have a sexy week full of doublestarts in the bullpen but unfortch Austin had the double-starts as well. There are a bevy of roster fouls occuring on Ben's roster right now. Ged, you might want to text him through cleaning that shit out.

Yes, I lost to Ged. Why? Because I barely checked my roster at all this week (and still had a nice little week) and if it weren't for Ged's Sunday steal I would have won or tied.

But why did I not check my roster at all?


Dan your team fucking sucked this week you silly slut. Well, not really. Votto and Harper had pretty good weeks hitting a combined 9/4/8/~.400/~1250. The rest of your Cocks were severely U-Locked. Martin Prado hit .160, Andre Ethier and Nori Aoki both hit .095. Yummmerz.

Pat, nice fucking week. Ryan Braun had great counting stats, fat fucking Panda went Panda Express on people's nasty, silly faces and then you KNOW HE STOPPED FOR A SNACK ON THE WAY HOME.

Dude, seriously, Pat? You are such a sugar-filled pussy. I'm not going to even give you the pleasure of a review for your pitching, I'm just going to post a picture of it so we can all form our own opinions of what you're doing.

It's kind of a tragedy that Dan's pitching (below) lost to that feeble bitch-ass handiwork above. Look at Homer Bailey...shaking my head, man. We need to ramp up the innings pitched requirement. This was exactly my intent. You guys should have to have at least three or four pitchers start in a week. Otherwise it's all bitch moves and cheats.
I know Dan is going to say well, which is it? Are you happy that Pat beat the fuck out of me or are you pissed that he used bitch moves to do it? Both.
I realllllllly hope there were some stakez on this matchup. Of course, Matt's fantasy hubris has been brimming as he has gone undefeated so far in Bonerland. Remember last season, guys? Remember when admittedly quit 70% through the season? Don't forget to bring that up every time Matt tries to launch into some self-fellating tirade about how good his team is. Quit. Quit. Quit. Quit. :)

Both you guys had decent hitting weeks but Matt swiped it 4-2. Nothing really jumps off the page for either of you guys. Congrats on a solid week for both of you. Moving on.

Matt was up to Steggall-like faggotry and as such shall get the cold-ish shoulder by me only mentioning that he DID start Yu Darvish and Clay Bucholz.

Mike's pitching was a toilet-residing canine this week. That is just not going to win any games for you unless you're facing off against Austin. Tough luck that Kershaw and Lee both got losses with high era's. That shouldn't happen often.

Anyways, phuck yew Kat801.

Brian's pre-season prediction of doing what Saksen did, "but better, with more offense," came true during this week. Brian won all four pitching stats he aimed to win and had an offense capable of competing with Charlie. Indeed, like I said, any offensive week of 30/10/30 is a good counting stats week.

This matchup was a nail biter, with one RBI from Charlie making this a tie or, for the glass-half-empty among us, two less Runs from Charlie and Brian wins even bigger.

Carlos Gonzalez is still good: 7/1/6/2/.417/1214. Also, Charlie streamed 3 losses (oops), 1 win, and 25 strikeouts. It's that time of year folks, prepare yourself. Also, Charlie picked up Jean Seguera for this week and....he's fast. If you think you're paying attention to the sleepers and waiver wire more than Charlie, you're fucking tripping. Every person who appears in the "sleeper possibility" category pops up, Charlie snaps him up. For better or for worse, this seems to work every year. If you are a shitty team (DAN?) you might want to consider being better in this category of our league. He is the returning champion for a reason, he picked up Mike Trout. So, be better at this y'all.

Evan Longoria is making moves 6/4/6/.250/1026. Troy Tulowitzki is alright, I guess: 5/3/6/.333/1242. And Matt Harvey is still making hella sm00v3 m00v35.

Close win, Brian. Nice job.

this week in match fucking dot com

Seriously, I don't even know where to fucking start it's been a parade out here.

First, I'll start with the BJ I got from the very mediocre looking chick with the enormous tatas queso (cheese tits, for the english-only speakers). Long, annoying story short, I showed up my first night back to Hawaii and went to my watering hole Mulligans (this will be a constant theme here). I showed up and it was me, my buddy Kieran the bartender and two chicks across the bar. One is really cute, the other is like, kinda alright with huge tits. Yup.

So, they started dancing on the bar, cute chick comes over, says a few words for like 10 minutes and then bounces out. Lesser cute chick, her sister as it turns out comes over to talk to me. She explains that her sister is in some on-again/off-again relationship with some dude and that he started calling both of them when she left. Alright fine, I don't care. So then, this chick chats me up but I really didn't give a shit what she was saying the whole time. Finally, last call, okay, I'm outta here peace bitches. "Oh wait, can you walk me back to my hotel?? " "Where are you staying?" "The Kea Lani" "Alright, that's across the street. I guess so."

I walk her down the street and she says, "so, let's go to the beach." "Um. I don't think so, I'm really tired." "If you come to the beach I promise you will leave with a permanent smile." (30 seconds of time pass) "Okay, fine, fuck it, let's go to the beach." The beach is like 1 minute away.

Uggghhhhh long story she wants to skinny dip repeatedly, "I'm not going to do it." She gets naked. "Still not getting in the water, dude." "What if I fuck you?" "I don't have a condom, still not fucking you and still not getting in the water." "Well, I've never given a blow job before but I could do that if you tell me what to do?"

HAHAHA fucking perfect, a fully instructional blowjob. No to this, yes to that...ahahghaghafhldsafhjlajhlfdsakf. Said goodbye at the hotel. Never saw her again.

But if you're ever in Everett, Washington, go to the state college there and ask for Sarah. She's got great potential at beej's.


So, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Tim.
Yes, that's him rocking the undercut, the mullet, two stars on each side of his head (1980's Detroit Pistons-style), and a nice bong.

Look, dudes. I've partied with almost all of you. You guys are all my equals or far, far my bitch. To those of you whom think you can party: you can't. This guy can fucking party. You are inferior. Accept this. What is that bong he is holding? Well, that is his FUCKING PROTOTYPE plastic travel bong that he has spent like 9 months developing. It's all clippable plastic. It's genius.

For an example, here's what Tim sent me after he went home at 6am, had to be at the airport (a 40 min drive away) by 10:30am after the story in the Week 4 dish. He had a flight to Oakland at 12:30pm....

So, Tim came over the first night clutching a bottle of Haleakela distilleries' Platinum Rum.
As you can see, it looks an awful lot like Kimo. YOU KNOW WHY? Because it is the exact same fucking thing with half of the alcohol content. Oh my god. Gentleman, I present to you what we call "Kimstone Light" (pronounced: Keem-stone).

This grew to be a them of Tim showing up at my place each night with a new bottle of booze, us drinking it and then heading to Mulligans to be social.

Tim is basically a party in a fucking bottle. I don't know if I can describe it really, he is just 100% extroverted. It seems like no matter how much he drinks he's never stops moving and meeting people. You can make fun of him, you can make fun of his haircut, you can mock him for being 5 feet tall, it will never shut him up.

One night at Mulligans, there were a couple girls sitting across from us and they were actually kind of cute. On the way out of the bar, Tim said, "heeyyyyy want to give us a ride home!?!?" Keep in mind, my house is LITERALLY 150 yards away from this bar. Well, the girl said okay but you have to sit in my baby seat. God bless his heart, he actually tried to sit in the baby seat haha.

Well, they came down to my house. Shenanigans girl, Lisa, asked for my number and said she wanted to come back and "go swimming." Awesome.

Let's pick this up in the next dissshhhh...